


Morphine Lovers

by Idea Turnstile (jatty)



Category: Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - High School, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Drug Dealing, M/M, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-05-27 15:40:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 22
Words: 114,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6290266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jatty/pseuds/Idea%20Turnstile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kellin knew things weren't going well with his boyfriend, but the loneliness after he was dumped hurt almost more than the punches. Todd made it clear that things between them were over, so why did he have to intervene when Kellin tried to get closer to the new boy at their high school? Vic seemed so kind and laidback, a much better friend than Todd had ever been. Once the rumors started though, Kellin was sure Vic would have nothing to do with him. But maybe Vic had secrets of his own—secrets which made the lies Todd spread about Kellin seem tame.</p>
<p>As for Vic... Vic just wanted to start over. His family had finally made enough money for him and Mike to enroll in a high school in a better district, and things were finally looking up. Until he laid eyes on Kellin anyway. Smiling at Kellin in the hallway seemed to be all it took to turn his world upside down—because Kellin belonged to Todd, and you couldn't steal from Todd without suffering the consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He probably should’ve told his mother after the first time, and after the second time he knew it was too late to get sympathy. 

Todd had seemed so kind at the start, but things changed—and changed fast. Kissing became slapping, hugging became shoving, and the protective arm Todd used to throw around his shoulders when they walked together down the hallway at school had become possessive—restrictive. Kellin had been shy at the start, not wanting any negative attention from his classmates or teachers, but Todd had managed to convince him that gazes fixed on them should be perceived as flattering. Anyone who scoffed at them was just jealous of their love, Todd said. 

But even that had changed, too. Kellin wasn’t allowed to look at the people who watched them. One day, out of nowhere, Todd had pushed him to the floor in the hallway—causing his books and papers to scatter everywhere—then started yelling at him for checking out some kid named Tony that Kellin didn’t even _know._ He was in Todd’s grade, not Kellin’s. He only knew Tony by sight and he wasn’t even Kellin’s type… 

Kellin told Todd so, but it didn’t change anything. Todd yelled at him until everyone was watching them and a teacher came and told him to stop it. Todd had been escorted to his classroom by the teacher and Kellin was left to pick up his books on his own, cheeks burning with embarrassment as he felt the eyes on his back. 

That was the first time Todd had hurt him. Kellin had been so caught off guard and wounded that he’d spent the rest of the school day on the verge of tears, trying hard not to think about it but unable to keep the thoughts at bay. 

Todd was such a nice guy, he’d thought. How could he have done something to make him so angry and jealous? But he _hadn’t_ done anything. He didn’t even _like_ Tony. He wasn’t going to check him out… He had been happy with Todd. There was no reason for him to look at someone.

That was what he told Todd that night on the phone. Their relationship probably should’ve ended then. If Kellin had been smart, he knew he would’ve ended it that night. People who loved you didn’t push you onto the floor and scream at you in front of all your peers. A little jealousy was healthy in a relationship, Todd had argued. It was because he loved Kellin _so much_ that it pushed him into a rage when he thought of someone else taking him away. 

Stupid Kellin… Stupid, stupid Kellin had taken that as a compliment and he hated himself for it now. If he’d just broken up with Todd then—if he’d stood up for himself at least—it never would’ve gotten this far. 

But no, Kellin had accepted the lies Todd told and then began believing them. After the day he was pushed to the ground, he found himself unable to look up from the floor as Todd walked him to class. He didn’t want pushed again or to cause a scene. 

Then, after a few more weeks, he learned he didn’t have to do much of anything to earn Todd’s animosity. He was smacked the first time when they’d been eating together in the cafeteria—because he “wasted” a French fry by refusing to eat it after it fell from his tray onto the greasy table. 

The other students turned to look but none of the teachers had seen. Kellin held his cheek and stared at Todd in shock, then got to his feet and ran to the bathroom to hide. It really hadn’t hurt that much, but it surprised him. Physically, the pain dissipated in a few minutes, but emotionally he’d been cut so deep by the action. 

He felt at war with himself as he hid in the bathroom stall. He saw that this was wrong. He _knew_ you weren’t supposed to hit the people you love. But he saw Todd’s side of things as well. Todd had grown up very poor. There were nights he’d had to go hungry and would _cry_ from it as a child. Of course he would be upset by Kellin refusing to eat perfectly good, safe food. He wished Todd could just say that, though, instead of smacking him and causing a scene.

Kellin had gone from loving attention to hating it. He wanted to be invisible. 

By their three month anniversary, Kellin was doing everything he possibly could to disappear into the crowd. He stopped wearing anything with too much color, made sure to keep his head down even when he walked alone in the hallways, and never under any circumstances talked to another student. He didn’t even talk to his friends so long as they were in the high school. He met them for band practice and Todd _always_ supervised. 

Gabe and Justin tried so hard to get him to break up with Todd, but it was too late. He wanted to be with Todd and he wanted to make Todd happy—he just wished he could be good enough for him, good enough to stop making him mad all the time. But he wasn’t. He wasn’t good enough to make Todd happy; he couldn’t make anyone happy. Todd was the best he was ever going to get…

Even after the rape.

No… The “sex.” He wasn’t allowed to call it a rape because he’d said yes when they’d started. 

He should’ve told his mother. He should’ve told _somebody._ He wanted out of this poisonous, toxic thing, but he knew that just telling someone wasn’t going to change anything. He was too afraid of Todd to leave him, and too afraid to be alone to even attempt to work up the courage to try. Todd was the only person who gave him worth…

The first time it happened, they’d been alone in Todd’s car, parked behind the old theatre on the edge of town. It was where they used to sit and talk when they’d first started dating. It was where they’d had their first kiss—Kellin’s first ever kiss—and where Todd decided their first time should be.

Kellin had been a little excited, hoping that this would change things. Todd would see how committed he was, how eager and agreeable he was, and everything would get better. Todd wouldn’t have to feel so insecure because he’d know that Kellin was his and _just_ his. 

And then it had started to hurt… And then Kellin had started to cry. Todd didn’t stop until his lust was slaked, and then all he had to say to Kellin were cruel jeers. 

“You can’t try and change your mind like that. You said yes. It’s a real dick move to try and back out!” And when Kellin argued that he’d been hurting, Todd just grew wickeder. The awful words resonated in Kellin’s mind over and over—all the time that he was alone after it happened. “I don’t see how it hurt you when you’re obviously a fucking whore. Virgins are supposed to be tight. You? Fuck—it was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.”

Kellin had groaned in disgust and cursed at Todd, but the shame ate away at him regardless. He knew he’d never been with anyone else and even though he was _sure_ Todd was just saying those things to be hurtful, he was scared that there was something wrong with him and he really hadn’t been good enough. 

He wasn’t good enough…

He never would be. 

He’d spent days trying to figure out a way to tell someone what happened to him in the backseat of Todd’s car. He typed it so many times in text messages he wanted to send to Justin, but he knew his straight friends wouldn’t want to hear about it. They’d be grossed out. They’d tell him it was his own fault and he deserved it for not listening to them when they told him to dump Todd in the beginning. He even started trying to tell his mother once, only to have her cut him off to tell him to take out the trash. She didn’t understand where his story was leading and he didn’t blame her, but the interjection just reminded him that no one needed to know.

No one needed to know how low he’d become or how stupid…

Todd wouldn’t do it again. Kellin had been so sure that Todd wouldn’t do it again.

But he did—in Kellin’s own bed. Kellin didn’t even say yes at the beginning, but he didn’t bite down when Todd stuffed his length into his mouth. He consented by not fighting back. That time, Todd’s closing remarks had been just as brutal as in the car. 

“God, isn’t there _anything_ you’re good for? How can you fuck up a blow job?” 

Kellin knew then that he’d never be good enough for anyone—not Todd, not _anyone._

And now it had happened three times. Todd had left him, cold and bleeding, under the bleachers at their school’s football game. 

He hadn’t even wanted to come out tonight, but when Todd said they were going, he hadn’t fought. They walked around together, got hotdogs from the concession stand, and cuddled on the bleachers until after halftime. Once everyone had settled back into their seats, Todd had stood up and made Kellin follow him. 

Kellin tried to smile and act like he wasn’t afraid when he was led down the bleachers and into the dark underneath. He naively hoped that all Todd would want was privacy for them to make out, but he ended up on his knees in the muddy grass—then on his stomach with his face pressed into the mud and muck. 

He’d screamed, but his cries got lost in the cheering overhead. It felt as if people were rejoicing over his agony—he felt like he was being stabbed over and over. There was mud in his hair, then someone’s drink spilled next to his face from the bleachers overhead. He’d never felt so low—so filthy. 

He said one word to Todd after it was over, even though he knew of the poison his cruel lover would spit at him. 

“Why?”

“Why!? You sit there looking at Tony two rows below us and you ask me _why!?”_

“I don’t even know him!” Kellin screamed, tears streaking through the mud on his cheeks. “Todd, I didn’t _do anything!_ I love you—this has to _stop!”_

Todd’s response was to smack him so hard his head cracked into one of the metal support beams of the bleachers.

“You know what? I’ve had enough of your shit! You cheat on me, you never quit running your mouth—you want this to stop? Fine. We’re over! You can walk home.”

Kellin hadn’t expected that and the words struck him to his core. He was in pain and he was already frightened, but the thought of being alone—all alone—left him _terrified._

“Todd, no! No—That’s not what I meant! Please!” He didn’t want dumped. He didn’t want to be alone after this. He scrambled to his feet despite the pain that ripped through him and stumbled after Todd, trying to button his jeans as he moved.

He only managed four steps before the pain became too much and he had to stop. He fell down to his knees, his stomach starting to churn, as he watched Todd walk away from him. He tried to call after him and make him come back, but Todd didn’t even pass him another glance. 

( ) ( ) ( )

“I’m only going to ask you one more time,” his mother said, pressing the bag of ice to Kellin’s bruised cheek. “What happened to your face?”

“I told you—I tripped on the bleachers,” Kellin whispered. After spending the latter half of the football game under the bleachers crying and trying to gather the strength to move, Kellin took himself to the filthy bathrooms and washed the mud and snot off his face. Todd still wouldn’t answer his calls or texts, driving the spike of fear further into Kellin’s chest. Usually after they fought, Todd would storm off and then call him and profess his love and remorse. But not this time… This time, Todd was serious.

“Right. You tripped and hit one side of your face, and then bruised the other. Is that what you’re telling me?” His mother asked, looking at him with frustration and disappointment. “Who hurt you?”

“No one,” Kellin mumbled. 

“Kellin…”

“I told you. I tripped.”

“And you’ve told me that the last fifty times I’ve asked, but I don’t believe you. Is it bullies? Do you need me to call the school?”

“No, Mom. I’m just…clumsy.”

“I’m calling the school on Monday,” she said, convinced he was being picked on since he’d never told her about Todd. She thought they were just good friends, not boyfriends who spent every spare second together. 

“Mom, you can’t!”

“Why? So these kids can just keep getting away with beating you up? No. I won’t have it. I want to know you’re _safe_ when you’re on their grounds. With how much I pay for tuition, they should keep a better eye out for bullies. I don’t care if it _was_ a football game. They should have better security!”

“It’s not bullies. There’s nothing security could have done. I told you, I tripped.”

“And you’re lying. I can always tell when you’re lying because your lip starts twitching.” His mother started petting his hair, frowning as she picked part of a dried, brown leaf from the black strands. “I wish you’d just tell me who did it, Kellin. I could get them expelled.”

“I tripped, Mom,” Kellin said, staring at the tile floor of the bathroom. 

“Alright. If that’s the story you’re sticking with… Here, give me the ice. I’ll put it back in the freezer for when you get out of the shower. Your hair is just filthy.”

Kellin sighed and handed her the ice pack, already missing its cold pressure on his cheek. Once his mother left the room, he slowly started to undress, trying not to catch his reflection in the mirror. He didn’t want to see the scars Todd had left on him or the new bruises he knew would be on his hips and thighs. 

There were streaks of blood in his underwear and he knew he was going to have to hide them and throw them away later to keep his mother from finding out. He’d had to do it with the pair he’d worn that first night in the backseat of Todd’s car, but the bleeding had been much worse that time. 

As soon as he was undressed, Kellin stepped into the shower. The warm water immediately worked to soothe him, washing away the filth even though it never really made him feel clean. The stream of water caused the aches from his bruises flare up as it struck him, causing him to look down at his hips and sides. 

There was a gash on one knee and a dark bruise on the other, his left thigh had finger marks on it and his right hip had more of the same. A reddish, orange smear of blood was making its way down his leg and spreading across the floor of the tub on its way to the drain. The sight made his stomach churn and he turned his face away, tears rimming his eyes. 

I love you, Todd had said—many, many times. I love you, I care about you, I just want to see you happy. 

So why had he done this? Why had he beaten him? What had Kellin done to make him so hateful and angry? He knew he wasn’t perfect, but he didn’t understand how he’d become so awful that Todd hated him. 

Not only did Todd damage his body, he’d dumped him immediately after the fact. He wasn’t just throwing a fit like he did sometimes. He didn’t call to apologize this time or hurry back over to help Kellin up off the ground. He’d yelled at him and he’d left him in the mud. He said they were over… 

He’d left Kellin behind—left him _alone._ And after being with Todd for more than six months, Kellin was scared to be by himself. He didn’t know who he was anymore without Todd. Todd had stripped him of everything he’d ever had—everything he’d ever been—from his cheerful disposition to the clothing he’d worn. Kellin didn’t know what to do with himself except for try to call Todd after his shower and apologize for whatever he’d done wrong. He would beg for forgiveness and promise to do better—to be more worthy of the love they’d had in the beginning.

He was stupid. He was foolish. He knew what Gabe and Justin would have to say to him when he told them what happened. They’d cheer—they’d say it was a good thing. They wouldn’t understand that Kellin didn’t know how to function without Todd telling him what to do. They just wouldn’t understand how hard even the littlest of decisions would be now that he wouldn’t have Todd’s opinion to help guide him.

Was he still supposed to wear the clothes Todd approved of or should he go back to wearing what Todd had deemed inappropriate and too commanding of attention? 

Kellin stayed in the shower until he’d stopped crying, then began the daunting task of sneaking back into his bedroom to change into pajamas before his mother could spot him in his towel. He had bruises on his elbows he didn’t want her to fuss over and he definitely didn’t want the blood to start running down his leg in front of her. The bruises he could lie away until his mother forgot about them—the blood, he knew, he could not. She was oblivious to his plight, but she wasn’t stupid. 

He made sure to throw his soiled clothes in the bathroom hamper save for his blood-stained boxer briefs. He tucked those under his arm and peered out the bathroom door to look for his mother. When he was sure she wasn’t on her way up the stairs, he opened the door the rest of the way and hurried into his bedroom—locking the door behind him. 

He hid the pair of underwear between his mattress and the frame of his bed—to be buried in the bottom of the garbage can after his mother went to sleep—then started to get dressed. He had to line his fresh boxer briefs with a wad of tissues to keep the blood from ruining them as well, then put on a pair of his baggiest pajama pants and a long-sleeved shirt to hide the marks on his elbows. 

When he took his towel back into the bathroom to put it in the hamper, his mother was hurrying up the stairs with the ice pack again. 

“Are you feeling any better?” She asked him, pressing the ice to his face for him and rubbing his cheek with her other hand. 

“I’m fine, Mom,” Kellin said, shying away from her touch and taking the icepack into his own hand. 

She stared at him with concern, a frown pulling at the corners of her lips. He should tell her. He knew he should, but what would he even say? “Mom, I’ve had a boyfriend for half a year I never told you about—oh, and he raped me. And it’s the third time it’s happened.” Yeah, she’d take that _so_ well. Kellin shuddered at the thought of it.

“I wish you’d tell me what’s been going on. You’ve been acting so strange lately. I’m _worried_ about you.”

“I’m fine—”

“No you’re not! You hardly eat, you wear the same three outfits over and over again—I _never_ get to see you smile anymore. What’s happened to you?” She was looking at him with so much worry, but he couldn’t get himself to say anything. He slipped back into his bedroom and tried to keep his head down so she couldn’t see the tears trying to spill over again. He’d cried enough. He didn’t want to be that pathetic anymore. “Kellin!”

“I just want to go to bed. Can I please just go to bed, Mom? I’m _tired.”_ Kellin walked over to his desk and picked up his cell phone, checking for messages. His heart leapt a bit when he saw a text message from Todd, but as soon as he read it, that small spark of hope was crushed.

_I can’t believe you cheated on me with Chris Hernandez. Good luck finding someone else who puts up with your shit._

Kellin couldn’t suppress the pained noise that climbed up his throat. Why did Todd think he’d cheated with _Chris?_ He didn’t even _like_ Chris. Todd knew that!

_What are you talking about??? I love you! I’d NEVER cheat on you! I NEVER cheated on you!_ Kellin texted him, his hand shaking. 

“Kellin? What’s the matter?”

“Nothing! Leave me alone! I don’t want talk about it—don’t you get that?” He couldn’t look at her as he yelled, ashamed and fearful that she’d turn on him just like Todd. He didn’t want her to hate him, but he didn’t want her to watch him fall into ruin either. He needed space—he just needed time to think. 

“Fine,” she said, her tone harsh. “I was trying to help you, Kellin. You don’t need to raise your voice.” When she left his room, she closed the door firmly behind her and he could hear her stomping rapidly down the stairs. 

Slowly he sank down onto his bed—immediately having to lay on his back after sitting sent a bolt of pain up his spine—and stared at his phone, waiting for another message from Todd. Nothing came through. Kellin sent him another text asking for Todd to listen to him, believe him, but he still didn’t get an answer. He tried to call and even left a voicemail, but Todd maintained his silence. 

He must be sick, Kellin thought, to be trying so hard to get ahold of his rapist—to feel sick with anxiety over not being able to get him on the phone. He was really just that pathetic though, wasn’t he? To need Todd’s approval even when Todd was the one who had caused him to fall so low. He couldn’t help it, though.

He was no one if he wasn’t Todd’s boyfriend. He had nothing if he didn’t have Todd. 

Nothing.

_Nothing…_


	2. Chapter 2

Vic had never been so excited in his entire life—at least not to go to school, anyway. It was his and Mike’s first day at their new school, the school Jaime and Tony had been attending since ninth grade. The district was so much better than the one he and Mike had been enrolled in before, and Vic was excited to actually attend classes in a school that wasn’t falling apart. His last high school had had graffiti drawn on every desk, lockers that were smashed in, and even parts of the roof that were caving in. The textbooks were horribly outdated and the teachers had about as much passion in their lectures as the students had in their educational careers. It had been impossible to excel in that awful place, so Vic was more than grateful for the opportunity to enroll somewhere else. 

In the past year, his father’s dream of owning his own restaurant had taken off and become a success. They’d gone from living on Welfare checks and food stamps to being able to afford movie tickets and junk food. Sure, they still had a bit of debt—some payments owed to the bank for the restaurant’s startup money—but things were going well. They’d moved out of their terrible neighborhood, Vic had gotten a car so he could drive himself and Mike to school, and there was food on the table every night.

Life was perfect, Vic felt. His life had literally become _perfect._

“I’m in Jaime and Tony’s math and English class,” Mike said, staring at his schedule as Vic pulled into the high school parking lot. 

Even the _parking lot_ was perfect in this place! No potholes! Not a single one! 

“I think I’m taking Chemistry with you, aren’t I?”

“Period Five B?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah. When’s your lunch? Five A?”

“I think so,” Vic said as he parked the car, taking a moment to admire how nice the vehicles were around him before he shut off the engine.

“Awesome. We get to eat with Tony. Jaime’s got class then,” Mike said, not taking his eyes off the paper. They were half an hour early, but Vic was still eager to get inside and look around. 

“You ready?”

“In a minute,” Mike said, reading his schedule _again_ before folding it up and putting it back into his pocket. “What’s your first class?”

“My social studies class—uh… Global Current Events or something like that.”

“Did our old school even teach current events?” Mike asked.

“No,” Vic said, huffing out a laugh as they both stepped out of the Vic’s car. They got their respective bookbags from the backseat and then started for the front doors of the pristine-looking high school. 

“Man, I feel underdressed,” Mike said, looking a bit insecure as they walked through the front door. Everything was shiny and polished, and even though Vic knew it was probably only this clean because students were coming back from the weekend, it still shocked him. 

“No kidding,” Vic mumbled. It wasn’t even a private high school, but it looked like one compared to the hell they had transferred from. “Where’s your locker?”

“Um… It’s number three seventy-five,” Mike said. Usually he was a rather confident—if not overconfident—and walked around as if he owned the floors on which he walked, but not here. It was odd to Vic to see his brother so out of his element and nervous, and as tempted as he was to torment him about it, Vic kept his lips sealed. 

“This one’s two hundred and four, so…” Vic patted Mike’s shoulder and led him down the hallway. They toured the school a couple of times, but it was different now. There was no polite principal guiding them around and their mother wasn’t standing behind them fawning over every trophy, every award, and every picture hanging on the walls. 

When he found Mike’s locker, he made his way diagonally down the hall to his own. He could still see Mike from where his locker was placed, but only because the hallway was empty. Between classes, his brother wouldn’t even be visible to him. 

“I think Hime said his locker’s four eighty-something,” Mike called as he stuffed his books into his locker.

“Mine’s four ninety,” Vic said, still fussing with his lock. It took three tries to get it open. The locks on these lockers were built in, not like his old school where he had to buy his own…not that anyone wanted to steal his beat up text-books and notes. It was more or less to keep the teachers from snooping through his things at ease. Drug checks were _frequent_ at his last school—as if the police _wanted_ to arrest students and get them out of school. Hell, juvie was probably in better condition than that awful place—not that Vic really wanted to find out.

They walked around for a bit after that, looking for their classrooms and pausing to talk to teachers who seemed excited to see them. Mike even struck up a conversation with the lady janitor who, in turn, told him which of the lunch ladies would give extra portions if you smiled at her right. Mike, she said, needed all the extra servings he could get—he was just “skin’n’ bones.” Over and over she said it, “skin’n’ bones.” 

Vic made a mental note to tease him about it later—especially if it turned out he smiled at the lunch lady and earned himself an extra helping. (He wouldn’t dare mention it around his mother, though. She was always getting upset over their weight even though neither of her children were really _that_ skinny. They were average, but their lack of a steady income made her just that much more self-conscious about how much food she could provide for them.)

When more students started pouring into the hallway, Vic and Mike returned to their lockers to get their notebooks and texts for their first few classes. Jaime showed up before Tony and clapped Vic on the back before shuffling a few lockers down to get out his books. 

“You finally made it!”

“I know! Finally!” Vic said, grinning big. Jaime used to be his next door neighbor until middle school. This his father had gotten a promotion and they’d moved to the nicer side of town, closer to this school district. It was the same with Tony’s family. 

“I hate to tell you this, but you can’t wear your hat to class,” Jaime said, gesturing to his head in reference to the dark red beanie Vic had strategically picked to match his band tee. 

“What?” Vic asked, his stomach twisting up into knots. He didn’t know why it made him so anxious, but he guessed wearing a hat to school every day since fifth grade had become a security blanket. 

“You can’t wear it. The teacher’s will grab it off your head and, trust me, you don’t want that kind of attention on your first day. Not when they all know where you transferred from.” Jaime made a sour face and rolled his eyes. Of course a place as pristine as this would have something to say about people from their old neighborhood. Until Vic and Mike proved themselves, they would just look like potential street rats—troublemakers not worthy of positive attention. 

Vic looked down the hallway towards Mike’s locker, wondering if he’d thought to take off his cap. Tony, it turned out, was standing next to him apparently giving the same speech as Jaime since Mike groaned and stuffed his hat into his locker. 

He hated how insecure he suddenly felt as he slowly pulled off his beanie and set it on the top shelf of his locker. His hat was the centerpiece of his entire style… Without it he just looked—dare he say it?—gay… 

All the guys who rushed past him, talking and laughing with each other, had either shaved heads or short hair. No one had long hair like him. He was going to stand out. He wasn’t going to look even the slightest bit tough, no matter how much of a splatter-print his black and crimson t-shirt had. He was short, he was tan, and he looked feminine. 

He was doomed… 

“Don’t look like that. It’s fine,” Jaime said, closing his locker and coming over to Vic. 

“I should probably cut my hair…”

“Don’t cut your hair—you look like an idiot when you cut your hair. Just relax. You’ll get used to it.”

“My head just feels naked,” Vic said, trying to deflect from how insecure he was becoming as the hallways grew more and more congested. 

“Oh—watch out. Someone needs in the locker beside you, man,” Jaime said, looking over Vic’s shoulder.

Vic apologized, stepping forward a bit and passing a look behind him at the owner of locker four ninety-three. The kid was just a smear of black—baggy black jeans, baggy black pull over despite the heat, long black hair. Vic couldn’t even tell at first if the person was a boy or a girl their clothes were so loose fitting. 

“Come on—I want to go say hi to Mike before class starts,” Jaime said. He seemed to be nervous about that other kid which, in turn, made Vic nervous. What if they were one of those dangerous kids?—The disturbed type who brought guns to school? Vic didn’t want to have a locker next to _that._

“Is there something wrong with them?” Vic asked when they were out of earshot of the other person.

“Not with him—it’s his boyfriend. The guy’s a creep. He’s got the hots for Tony, too—isn’t that right?” Jaime slapped Tony on the back as he said it, startling the other boy.

“What? What’s right?”

“Todd—he’s got the hots for you.”

“Fuck that guy. Gives me the creeps.”

“Who’s Todd?” Vic asked, looking around the hallway as if this stranger would appear before him.

“Don’t worry about it. Just try not to look at Kellin too much,” Jaime said, gesturing toward the black-clad figure beside Vic’s locker. “He’s Todd’s boyfriend and Todd is kind of…”

“Insane,” Tony interjected. 

“And possessive. Not a lot of people are _out_ in this high school, if you catch my drift,” Jaime said, grimacing a little. It was a touchy subject since Vic had only come out to him and Tony the previous summer. His friends didn’t reject him, but they were hesitant to bring up the subject and he could tell it made them uncomfortable—not that they treated him any different. “But Todd is and _nobody_ says anything to him about it.”

“Because he’ll slash their fuckin’ tires or some shit,” Tony said. His usual, chipper demeanor was completely gone when they spoke of Todd. 

“He’s really that bad?” Mike asked, looking a bit worried. He, like Vic, seemed to have the idea that all the dangerous people were back in their old school district. 

“We don’t really need to get into it, but stay away from Todd and you’ll be fine. Don’t look at Kellin, because looking at Kellin is the best way to get Todd’s attention,” Jaime said. 

Vic looked back at the boy who had gotten his books from his locker and was beginning his walk to class. He had a very distinct limp and he kept his head low—his black hair covering his face. 

“He’s hurt,” Vic said, more to himself than anyone.

“And what did I just say?” Jaime said, throwing an arm around Vic’s shoulder and pulling him in the opposite direction. “Don’t look at him. You’ve got a lot to learn, my friend. A _lot_ to learn.”

( ) ( ) ( )

Kellin felt so sick he could barely even move. He’d gone to school mostly to keep his mother from worrying too much, but he’d been sick the entire weekend with a terrible cold he’d no doubt caught while under the bleachers with Todd. 

All weekend Todd had continued to send him cruel messages—but it wasn’t just him anymore. Kellin’s phone next seemed to stop being bombarded with texts from Todd and his friends, and then his Facebook wall was covered in insults and foul names. 

He’d had to unfriend over twenty people to get it to stop—twenty! He wanted to delete his profile, but he was afraid Todd would yell at him for it. It was stupid, but he still had the desperate hope that this was all just a test and Todd would apologize and ask forgiveness soon. But every mean, hateful word Todd sent him cut him like knives. 

It was bad enough he could barely walk, but the words kept him bed ridden far more efficiently than his ailments. Why get out of bed when he was nothing but a stupid, ugly slut? Why eat anything—why drink anything—when he so useless that he ought to just _die?_

Why was Todd saying these awful things? Kellin still didn’t know what he’d done to upset Todd so much, but he was sorry. All he texted to Todd were apologies and pleas for Todd to understand him. He didn’t even bother to tell Todd how much pain he was in or how he kept bleeding. He just begged for Todd to take him back.

Monday came and Todd had yet to call off the attack. Texts still poured in from Todd’s friends and Kellin had to pull himself out of bed, showered for the sixth time in two days, and dressed for school. He had to put a wad of toilet tissue into the back of his underwear to stop the blood from staining the fabric. It was only a slow trickle now, but one smear of blood was all it would take for his mother to voice her concerns when she next did laundry. He doubted she’d really look that close, but he didn’t want to risk it. He didn’t want her to know. She’d panic and then ask if it had happened more than once—and when he said it did, her compassion would turn to anger. It was his own fault this had happened. It wasn’t because he didn’t leave Todd at the first shove, even though he should have, it was because he wasn’t good enough for Todd. 

Todd hurt him because Kellin allowed it—and Kellin allowed it because he knew it was what he deserved. He should’ve kept his head down at the game so Todd wouldn’t have gotten jealous. He should’ve just laid his head on Todd’s shoulder and closed his eyes, maybe force a smile and pretend to nap. But he hadn’t. 

Walking to school had been so painful. Each step sent a jolt up his spine and his head throbbed endlessly due to his cold. His nose kept running and his throat was still sore no matter how much tea and honey his mother forced him to drink. He wished he could just stay home, but that wasn’t possible. His mother would worry and he really, really hoped that if he saw Todd face to face, then this whole breakup thing would be over and the cruel messages would stop. 

Kellin kept his head down as he stepped through the front doors of the high school and limped to his locker. One of Todd’s friends pushed him as he walked past, but Kellin fought to keep his balance and just kept walking—trying not to let the jeers which followed after him bring him to his knees. 

It scared him when there were two people standing beside his locker as he approached it. One he recognized as Jaime, a friend of _Tony’s,_ but the other boy was someone Kellin had never seen before—not that he really cared to examine him, though another boy with long hair stood out in the sea of buzz cuts. 

They started talking about him almost right away, though Kellin pretended he didn’t notice. He could feel eyes on him and when he looked up to watch the new boy walk away with Jaime, he saw the boy was looking in his direction again. It made him so self-conscious because he _knew_ what Jaime and Tony would be telling this boy about him. 

He belonged to Todd. Don’t look at him because he belonged to Todd and Todd will hurt you if he catches you admiring his property—whether or not you’re even gay. 

What they wouldn’t say was how Todd pushed him around. Why would they? What did it matter to them if Kellin got his ass kicked after school for grading another guy’s test in class—all that mattered was Todd slashed that other guy’s tires. 

Kellin tried to ignore the stares as he gathered his books and made his way to his classroom. He hated the way his injuries made him limp with each step, and hated knowing that he was going to have to spend the next seven hours sitting in the hard, plastic chairs. 

He bit his lip to keep from crying out as he sank into his seat. The pain exploded, making him dizzy for a moment until he forced himself to take deep, even breaths. Tears were biting the backs of his eyes already and first period hadn’t even _started_ yet. How was he supposed to sit through eight more classes and lunch? 

Kellin took his phone out of his pocket and stared at the screen, watching the blue light blink in the upper corner—telling him that more words of hatred were waiting for him. He lit up the screen and scrolled through the messages, not bothering to read more than the numbers and names until he saw Todd’s.

_Miss me yet?_ He asked.

Kellin sent him a frowning face but nothing else. He’d already said all he could think. He said he was sorry, said he’d do better, promised he’d never cheated, promised he’d never even spoken to Tony let alone harbored a crush on him. Nothing worked. Todd just wanted to hurt him more.

Eventually he’d realize Kellin was already as submissive to him as he could be and no amount of harassment was going to break him down even further. All it did was break his heart.

Kellin kept his head down throughout his entire Earth Sciences class, then picked up his books and limped to American History class where he actually had to take notes. The notetaking, at least, distracted from how much it hurt to sit, but looking down at his paper caused his nose to start running even worse and brought out the worst of his headache. 

His next class was supposed to be gym, but he put his books in his locker and went to the nurses’ office instead. He didn’t have a note to be excused from all the bullshit running exercises and jumping jacks commanded by their obese gym teacher, but he knew all he had to do was whine a little and the nurse would let him lay down for the period. 

Sure enough, as soon as she saw him she sent the student worker in the office to deliver a dismissal form to the gym teacher. 

“What did you get yourself into this time? You’ve got a bruise on your face,” the nurse said, gesturing for Kellin to sit down on the little bed in her closet-sized office. 

“I fell on the bleachers at the football game,” Kellin mumbled.

“Fell on the bleachers and hit _both_ sides of your head?” She asked, raising her eyebrow at him as she pulled on a pair of latex gloves and started turning his head this way and that so she could look at his bruises—one from Todd’s hand, the other from the metal beam his head at struck after the blow. 

“It was really bad. People stepped on me.”

“Well I don’t remember hearing about a stampede at the football game, so try again.” 

“I tripped on the bleachers. That’s all that happened.”

“Right. And you were at the football game all alone? Todd wasn’t with you?”

Kellin tried to deflect her questions, but the nurse saw right through him. Whenever he got agitated she always said the same thing: “Either you can sit and talk to me, or you can go back to gym class. Take your pick.”

Kellin always chose the former. She was kind and never pushed him too far. It was as if she could see the cracks in him and knew just how much pressure she could put on him before he broke completely. She was probably the only one who knew about Todd and cared. 

“Alright. You just lay down and get some rest. Do you need any water?”

“Water would be nice,” Kellin said, slowly laying himself down. He thanked her when she brought him the cup of ice water and took a long drink before setting the cup down on the floor and closing his eyes. 

He didn’t know why, but somehow being in the nurse’s office was the only thing that really made him feel safe. Maybe, he thought, it was because the school nurse was paid to take care of him when no one else in the building wanted to. Sure, his mother looked after him at home, but his mom didn’t even know about Todd the way Nurse Susan did. Maybe he liked it so well because Susan was the only person in the world who didn’t blame him or judge him for the things he let Todd do. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Real smooth, Vic thought. Real fucking smooth. First day of school, first day in _gym class,_ and he goes and gets his face busted with a kickball. His mother was going to pitch a fit and his dad—oh God. He couldn’t even imagine what his father was going to think. 

Holding a wad of crunchy, brown paper towels to his face, Vic made his way to the nurse’s office. He got lost the first time, but a teacher politely corrected him. The man even seemed concerned about Vic’s wellbeing whereas the teachers at his last school would have either ignored him or run in the other direction—afraid to catch a disease from his blood or something. (Not that he could really blame them with how popular sharing heroin needles had become at his last high school. Everybody in that place probably had hepatitis.)

“Oh no—what happened here?” It was the first thing Vic heard as he pushed open the little, wooden door. There was a woman in pink nurse’s scrubs sitting at a computer in one corner of the room, but what really caught Vic’s eye was the boy in black laying down on the bed in the room. He sat up when he heard the nurse speak and stared at Vic nervously. It was the boy who had his locker next to Vic’s—Tom or Todd’s boyfriend. 

“I got hit,” Vic said, the words coming out slow and forced as he stared at the boy.

“With what?” The nurse asked, pulling on a pair of latex gloves before pulling his hand away from his face. 

“Uh…a kickball,” Vic said, still looking at Kellin. It was the first time he’d gotten to see his face without the blanket of dark hair covering it. He had huge eyes, _huge_ eyes—and they were so blue and just… Holy hell.

“A kickball? Kellin, can you make some room? He needs to sit down,” the nurse said, looking over her shoulder at the boy who scrambled off the bed nervously.

“Should I go back to class?” Kellin asked, never taking his eyes off of Vic as if he feared Vic might attack him. 

It kind of hurt a little to be looked at that way. He could tell that Kellin had issues of his own judging on the way he’d limped that morning in the hall and also by the bruises on his cheeks, but Vic couldn’t help but wonder if the boy were scared of him specifically. Not just because he was a new student covered in blood, but because he was clearly Hispanic in a school full of upper-middle class white kids. 

Jaime said there was always a little bit of reserve until the students and teachers got used to them. There was a stigma, he said, because of the neighborhood they came from. People were afraid they were violent or into drugs, just because of their race and their address. All he had to do, Jaime promised, was act kind and show the other students and the teachers that he wasn’t out to cause anyone any trouble. 

Vic had never really been looked at before the way Kellin was looking at him now. In his old neighborhood, he was the norm—seeing someone tan or Hispanic was the norm in Southern California. But in this school, he was the minority and he didn’t really care for it if it meant being looked at like a monster only because of the color of his skin. 

“Kellin why don’t you get me an icepack from the cooler in the break room?” The nurse said, readying a cotton ball with rubbing alcohol. Vic flinched even before the stinging disinfectant struck his split lip. 

Kellin hesitated, but when the nurse asked him again, he ducked his head and stepped out of the room—his limping just as prominent as it had been that morning. 

“You were in gym class, huh?” The nurse said before directing Vic to hold the cotton ball in place as she grabbed a wet wipe from a packet on the counter.

“Yeah.”

“Kellin’s supposed to be in that class. You’ll find he’s in here more than he is in the gym though.” Vic merely hummed, cringing as the nurse used the wipe to clean the blood from his lip and under his nose. “So did you get in the way of the ball or was it directed at your head?”

“I think it was an accident,” Vic said. A girl had been the one to kick it. He doubted a tiny little blonde chick would really have it out for him, but he didn’t want to tell the nurse that.

“Well that’s good. We don’t need you getting taken out on your first day.”

“How did you know—”

“You’re Vic, right?” The nurse asked, taking away the soiled cotton ball and wet wipes and disposing of them in the biohazard trash bag. “You and your brother transferred in.”

“Yeah, but—”

“We had our last chair meeting catered by your parents’ new restaurant. Your mother kept showing your pictures to anyone who would look.”

“Oh man,” Vic said, feeling his cheeks start to burn. Of course she did. Of _course_ she did. He could practically see it now, his mom showing off her embarrassing photos and saying to everyone: “This my _oldest_ son. He thinks he’s going to be a musician but my husband and I are trying to get him involved in the family business. You know, something _practical_ for a boy his age.”

Just then Kellin came back in the room with a small packet of ice which he handed to the nurse.

“Here, Vic. Your cheek’s a little swollen already so just keep this on it for a little while,” the nurse said, handing him the icepack after wrapping it in a paper towel. “You can sit back down, Kellin. We both know you’re not going to gym and you can’t just walk around the halls.”

Kellin nodded his head and slowly sat down on the bed next to Vic—a fair amount of space between them. 

“He’s in your gym class, too,” the nurse said, looking to Kellin as she continued to work on Vic’s lip. 

“Oh,” Kellin said as softly as he could, as if he didn’t want anyone to hear him. 

“His parents run that new Mexican grill on Spring Street.”

“I saw the ads for it in the paper. The one where the Greek restaurant used to be?” Kellin asked, looking at his battered sneakers instead of at Vic.

“Yeah, that’s the building,” Vic said. 

Kellin still seemed so timid, but Vic was beginning to get the sense that his race really didn’t have much to do with it. Apart from the bruises on his cheeks, there were dark circles under his eyes making him look as though he never slept. There was a scratch on his neck and that, coupled with his limping, told Vic that something bad had happened to him. His posture was so rigid.

“Have you gone there yet? You really have to try it, Kellin. I think you’d like it. I’m sure they have vegetarian options.”

“We do,” Vic said. “Like, we have an entire page of just Vegetarian dishes, and you can substitute meat with rice or beans—but Mom’s been talking about adding tofu. My dad’s not too big on the idea though.”

“A lot of people around here are vegetarian,” Kellin said, his voice so timid and meek. “But I don’t know… Tofu in Mexican food just…doesn’t sound like it’d work. But I don’t know. I don’t know.” He’d started shaking—his hands, his shoulders, all of him just started trembling. 

Vic didn’t know what to make of it. He’d never had this effect on anyone before—and why would he? He was short and skinny with long hair and a difficulty making eye contact with strangers—how could anyone perceive him as a threat worth trembling over?


	3. Chapter 3

Kellin wished he could have just stayed in Nurse Susan’s office the rest of the day, but once his gym period was over he was sent off to class—a class he shared with Todd. His seat was next to Todd’s, and it was excruciating to sit next to him without being allowed to share comforting glances or reach over and touch him. It was the first time he’d seen Todd since the attack and it filled him with so much fear. He was shaking as hard as he had been in the nurse’s office when Todd finally sat down beside him, waiting for the cruel jeers to start. 

“Hey,” Todd said, slapping Kellin on the arm as soon as he was in his seat.

Kellin slowly turned to look at him, afraid he was about to be smacked across the face right here in front of everyone. Todd was staring at him a cold, analytical way—the way he used to look at him whenever Kellin wore an outfit he didn’t like. He was trying to think of something mean to say.

“T-Todd?” Kellin stammered. He wished Todd would just get it over with—just hit him or insult him and end the suspense. 

“Learned your lesson yet?” Todd said, his tone bordering on indifferent. 

“My… My lesson?” Kellin whispered. He’d been sending apologies all weekend, begging for Todd to give him a chance to talk this out. Was this all just a game to Todd? A “lesson”? 

“You want to go out tonight?”

Kellin’s bottom lip started twitching as he stared at Todd, trying his best not to burst into tears. He’d spent all weekend bleeding and in the throes of panic attacks, being bombarded with messages of hate all directed at him from Todd and because of Todd. Now the guy was acting like nothing had ever even happened between them. 

“Why are you doing this?” Kellin asked, trying his hardest to keep his voice low so their classmates wouldn’t start trying to listen in. 

Todd laughed him and shook his head, then the bell rang and the teacher came in the room, cutting their conversation short. No matter how hard he tried, Kellin couldn’t focus on his classwork. Todd was the only thing in his mind—his harsh words, his sharp blows, the torture he’d subjected Kellin to under the bleachers on Friday night. 

He wanted so badly to tell Todd to leave him alone—just forget they ever even met—but he knew that the only person who could put an end to the endless flow of text messages calling him a cheater and a whore was Todd. His protector and his abuser were rolled into one person and Kellin knew there was nothing he could do to stop it. If he tried to reject Todd, things would just get worse. There was no escape from this… 

The last thing Kellin wanted was to reject him and get hurt even worse than he had been under the bleachers. He didn’t want that to happen again and, as the class period reached its end, he began to realize that the only way to avoid it was to give Todd anything and everything he wanted. If Todd wanted to pretend nothing had happened, Kellin had no choice but to obey. No choice at all.

As they stood from their desks, Kellin looked to Todd and tried to capture his attention. Calling his name over and over did nothing, and Kellin was made to follow him down the hallway.

“D-Did you mean it when you said you wanted to go out tonight?” Kellin asked, latching onto Todd’s arm only to be shaken off. 

“Forget it. I changed my mind. I wouldn’t be caught dead with you.” Todd sneered as he said it, then stormed off down the hallway toward his locker, leaving Kellin behind in the crowd. 

Why did he insist on doing this? Building Kellin up just to strike him back down? Was it intentional? 

“Hey. Are you alright?”

Kellin flinched when he felt a hand on his shoulder, instinctively shying away from the touch and pressing himself against the wall of the corridor. It was Vic—the boy from the nurse’s office—and he was looking at Kellin with concern. He had to have been told the stories by now, yet he was looking at Kellin without the judgement and condescension that their peers always had in their eyes. 

“Sorry—are you okay?”

“I’m… I’m fine,” Kellin said, immediately lowering his gaze before Todd or anyone else could see. 

“You sure?”

Kellin didn’t answer. He kept his head down and hurried toward his locker. It didn’t help him to get away from Vic, however. They both went to put their books away in their lockers and Kellin realized with a sinking feeling that Vic had lunch this period, too. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic sighed in relief when he finally reached the table where Mike and Tony were sitting in the cafeteria. The line had been excruciatingly long and he was _starving,_ his hunger managing to beat out his concerns for Kellin which had—until that moment—taken up the majority of his concentration. 

“Dude, what the hell happened to your face?” Mike yelled, tossing his hands up as he laid eyes on Vic.

“We leave you alone for less than four hours and you’ve already gotten your ass kicked,” Tony said, taking his phone out of his pocket and making as if to take a picture of him.

“What the hell are you doing?” Vic asked.

“Sending a picture to Jaime. He needs to see this,” Tony said, laughing when Vic pushed the phone down toward the table. 

“No he doesn’t,” Vic said before turning his attention to the small carton of milk that came with his lunch. 

“You still haven’t answered me. What the fuck happened?” Mike asked.

“Watch it—you’re not in the ghetto anymore,” Tony said. “They hear you talking like that and they’ll give you a demerit.”

“Shut up,” Mike snapped, rolling his eyes. “What did you do to your face?”

“Jaime wants to know if Todd caught you looking at Kellin,” Tony said, showing Vic the screen of his phone—pointing out the text from Jaime along with the horrible photo Tony had taken of him.

“I got hit with a kickball in gym class,” Vic said, groaning in disgust.

“Oh shit—who kicked it?” Mike asked. His face really did betray his concern, even though his tone of voice dripped with humor. 

“This tiny, little blonde girl, actually,” Vic said.

Tony started laughing, but a loud clatter drew everyone’s attention toward the front of the cafeteria. Vic felt his stomach drop when he turned to look and saw Kellin standing there with his tray on the floor in front of him, food spattered on his shirt and dripping down onto the ground. 

The whole room erupted into cheers and loud whoops until the lunchroom monitor told them all to settle down. Vic noticed two boys in the back corner of the room high-fiving beneath their table—giving the impression that they had everything to do with the accident. The teacher overseeing the cafeteria put a hand on Kellin’s shoulder and mumbled to him, telling him to pick up his tray and go clean himself up. Vic watched him with pity, then turned back toward his own table when Kellin was escorted out of the room. 

“Does that happen to him a lot?” Vic asked.

“Vic, Jaime’s not kidding around when he says to stay away from that guy,” Tony said, keep his voice low as if he were afraid someone might overhear them. 

“That’s not what I asked,” Vic said.

“It doesn’t matter. I know you like to help people out and that’s fine, but you can’t help Kellin. He doesn’t _want_ help. People that try to get close to him end up in a whole lot of trouble. Slashed tires is only the tip of the iceberg, alright? If you want to stay here, don’t pay any more attention to Kellin.”

“He was in the nurse’s office when I went. You can tell he’s been beat up.”

“Yeah, by Todd. Everybody knows it. Hell, the teachers even know it, but that doesn’t change anything. If Todd even finds out you were _alone_ with him, you’ve got trouble coming your way. Don’t do this.”

“I’m not doing _anything!”_

“Vic, you should listen to him,” Mike said, no humor at all in his voice. “Dad will kill us if we get into any trouble.”

“How am I going to get in trouble just from being in the same place as that kid?”

“You don’t know _Todd,_ alright?” Tony said, his voice stern. “Forget Kellin. He’s bad news anyway. I hear he’s cheating on Todd with some drug dealer in town.”

“Dad will _murder_ us if you get mixed up with some drug dealer,” Mike said. Now he was looking frightened and Vic couldn’t stand it. He didn’t want caught up with a drug dealer or drugs in general. He’d seen well enough what drugs and the gangs associated with them did to people in their last neighborhood. He didn’t want shot or to have his family targeted.

All Vic wanted was to start over somewhere safe, someplace nice like their new school. He wasn’t going to jeopardize that. Not even for someone with big, beautiful eyes like Kellin. 

( ) ( ) ( )

“Oh my God! Your face!—What happened to you!?” 

Not even three feet in the front door of their home and Vic’s mother descended on him, grabbing his chin and jerking it this way and that as she examined his bruised cheek and split lip. 

“I got hit with a kickball in gym class,” Vic said, trying to get his head away from his mother’s grip.

“Mike? Did you see it happen?” Their mother asked, looking over at Mike as he slipped off his shoes and set them on the floor mat as their father mandated. No shoes in the house, all coats were to be hung on their respective pegs, no bookbags to be left anywhere in sight but tucked away in their bedrooms… The rules of the house were truly endless. 

“No. I have gym seventh period,” Mike said, walking past their mother and heading upstairs with his backpack. 

“Was it on purpose? Who kicked a ball at your face?” His mother asked, rubbing his cheek before pulling him into a tight hug. 

“A girl. It was an accident,” Vic said.

“Did you go to see the nurse?” 

“Yeah. It was disinfected and everything. I’m fine,” Vic said, gesturing to his face. 

“I’m just so relieved you didn’t get into a fight already. I didn’t know what to think when I saw that bruise,” his mother pressed, wiping at his cheek as if she thought she could wipe away the dark splotch. 

“I don’t try to get into fights. I got punched one time at LHS and it didn’t even have anything to do with me. I just happened to be in the way,” Vic said, taking his backpack with him as he started for the stairs. 

“I know, but I worry. I’m your mother—would you prefer it if I _didn’t_ worry about you?” She was starting to get irritated and Vic knew if he didn’t start showing appreciation for her unnecessary panicking, she would tell his father and he’d hear about for weeks. 

“No, but I don’t want you getting all stressed out over nothing. I’m fine, Mom. I’m not going to mess this up. I promise.” He smiled at her and got to watch all the tension leave her face. He got wrapped up in another tight embrace and earned a kiss on the cheek before his mother allowed him to go up to his room. 

He didn’t stay there for long since he knew he had chores to do before his father got home. Mike was content to waste an hour of that free time listening to music while lying in bed—unwinding from his school day before cleaning up the house.

Vic set out the textbooks he’d need to do his homework on his desk, then set his phone on top of the stack after sending a few messages back and forth between Tony and Jaime. He was used to having his father or mother take his phone away from him when it was time to do chores and now he’d just gotten used to leaving his phone in his room as a reward for when he finished his list of tasks. 

On a Monday, that task consisted of dusting and wiping down the counters and furniture while Mike was to do the bathrooms and sweep the floor. After dinner, it would be Vic’s responsibility to do the dishes while Mike cleaned up the dining room table. Mike hated the chores but Vic had learned not to fight them and just get them done the best he could. It was better that way since their father had no problem bringing out his belt if he felt one of them was intentionally trying to leave tasks undone. Vic hadn’t gotten struck in almost a year—since a few weeks before he turned seventeen—and he wanted to keep it that way. Wiping down their furniture with a dust rag three times a week was a hell of a lot better than being whipped into submission. It was the least he could do, really, considering how much effort his parents had put into keeping safe and fed despite how poor their financial situation had been most of his life. 

“I made you boys a snack for when you get done with chores,” his mother said as soon as he stepped back down the stairs. 

Snacks—he still couldn’t help the way the thought of eating just for the sake of eating made his heart race. For so long they’d lived on the smallest possible portions, occasionally affording a desert or candy bar. To have his mother fluttering about the kitchen making snacks for them from scratch was like a fantasy. 

His mother continued working in the kitchen while Vic did his chores, but kept calling to him to tell her about his day. She asked about Jaime and Tony, then told Vic to invite them to the restaurant on Friday night for dinner. The family always ate at the restaurant on Friday and Saturday nights, making sure to keep up their presence for the regulars who appreciated the family-owned business culture.

Vic didn’t mind it since he was usually given a shift to work on the weekends, either as a server or dishwasher. His dad wanted him and Mike to take on legitimate part-time jobs in the restaurant, but their mother protested, insisting they wait until they were better adjusted to their new school. Vic didn’t particularly want to work in the restaurant, but if his father commanded it, he really didn’t have much of a say—and arguing would just end with a beating he _really_ didn’t want. 

Having a little extra money wouldn’t hurt, though, Vic decided. As it was, he made close to seventy dollars a weekend after taxes and, though his father never let him go anywhere to spend that money (except on gas for school), he liked having a savings fund in case he saw something he really wanted to own. 

“Anything else happen at school? Any pretty girls?”

“I mean, there’s lots of girls there,” Vic mumbled as he scrubbed the kitchen counter around the area where his mother was working on dinner. 

“Maybe you’ll find yourself a nice girl at this school. We’re starting to get worried about you dying a bachelor.”

“There was a guy there,” Vic said, trying to change the subject while simultaneously dropping one of his many, many hints. 

“Yeah? Is he friends with Jaime and Tony?” His mother asked, her tone blissfully indifferent. The fact that Vic had brought up a boy instead of a girl like she’d asked about didn’t even seem to register with her. 

“Not really. I feel kind of bad for him though. He’s got this boyfriend, right? And I think he beats him up or something. He has bruises and stuff on his face—”

“Well…maybe he should get a girlfriend instead. You know, I saw on television that men in same sex relationships are ten times more likely to be victims of domestic violence. Ten times! To me, that’s just more proof they shouldn’t be together.”

Vic bit back anything he might have said and gave it up as a lost cause. He was _not_ going to find support here. Not even a little bit. His best bet was to keep it all a secret until he was old enough and able to move out. After that, it wouldn’t matter if his parents disowned him—and his father wouldn’t be able to make an attempt to beat the “gay phase” out of him. He’d be sad to lose them after how much they’d done for him, but he couldn’t help the way he was and he didn’t want to die alone just to make them proud—nor could he force himself to lie to some sweet girl he could never possibly love just to please his parents. 

“You should do your best to stay away from that boy. I know you like trying to save everybody, but some people just _can’t_ be helped. Not to mention…your father would have a _fit_ if he found out you were talking to a homosexual.”

“Right,” Vic mumbled, trying hard to push down the lump in his throat. It hurt knowing that his parents would be disgusted with him if they knew who he was. Love wasn’t supposed to be so subjective…but who was he to complain? His parents would probably feel betrayed if they found out that all the money the put into bettering Vic’s life had been wasted on a degenerate they couldn’t even associate with. 

“What’s the matter? You look upset. Oh—Vic, you don’t need to get upset. I’m sure that boy is _fine._ He’ll come to his senses sooner or later and get himself out of it. This school isn’t like LHS. No one is going to get beaten half to death in the hallway.”

Vic sighed and continued his work, looking up only when Mike appeared in the room to get the broom so he could sweep. 

“How was your day, Sweetheart?” Their mother asked him. 

“Fine. Boring.”

“Boring?” She asked, her tone firm. How dare he say that their new school was anything but exceptional after all the work his father put in to get him out of the deplorable LHS. 

“Boring as in I don’t have any stories.”

“Uneventful, then,” his mother said, correcting him so he wouldn’t make the mistake of saying the same words to his father over dinner.

“Yeah,” Mike said, his eyes on the broom as he swept up the kitchen. 

“No pretty girls?”

“Oh there’s lots of those. None that’ll talk to me though,” he said.

“Now why would you say that?”

“Because they’re all white and I’m not,” Mike said with a loud huff. Vic looked up from the counter again, surprised at Mike’s sudden foul mood. He’d seemed fine when they left the school…

“What are you talking about? I’m white—you’re paler than Vic. What do you mean?” She liked to pretend she didn’t know _exactly_ what they meant whenever discussions like this arose. “Doesn’t _Jaime_ have a girlfriend at your school?” She added when Mike didn’t answer her.

“Yeah—and her family’s from Ecuador.”

“Oh, give it some time. Girls like exotic boys—”

“Yeah, but I’m not exotic. I’m half white, which around here seems to be a bad thing.”

“What happened?” Vic asked. 

“Nothing,” Mike muttered. He looked angry and Vic let it drop. He wasn’t about to push it and hoped their mother wouldn’t either. They didn’t need to get in trouble with their father after one day at school. They really, really didn’t.

“Something must’ve happened,” their mother said. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Mike said. “Don’t tell Dad about it either. I don’t need my head bitten off.”

Finished sweeping the kitchen, Mike moved on to the living room, offering no more conversation.

“You didn’t see anything happen?” Their mother asked, looking to Vic who had finished cleaning up the counters. 

“No… He didn’t tell me anything.”

“He must’ve tried to ask out the wrong girl,” she said, nodding as if she really believed that were the case. “Do you like your school? Even if it is a bunch of white kids?”

“It’s great, Mom. I don’t know why he’s upset.”

“He’s probably just hungry. Here, take him one of my cookies.” She handed Vic one of the cookies she’d made for their snack and sent him to go talk to Mike. 

As it turned out, Mike had gotten chewed out by a jock in his eighth period class for trying to strike up conversation with a girl Mike had seen in their restaurant. He hadn’t been trying to pick her up or womanize, but the jock made it into an issue of “Mike’s type” coming after “their women.” He’d tried not to let the altercation get to him, but it was hard with their mother constantly pushing them about “pretty girls” and “nice young ladies.” 

Why she wanted them to start dating was a mystery, anyway. Their dad had a strict policy about going over to girls’ houses and any girl who came to theirs was subjected to their mother’s over-involved questioning. There was no chance to really get to know anyone outside of school either. Dates couldn’t happen because chores needed done and their parents had to approve of every person they wanted to hang out with after school. Vic probably would never have gotten to be friends with Jaime and Tony if Jaime hadn’t been their neighbor all those years ago. 

“You know you have to apologize to Mom before Dad gets home,” Vic said after Mike had finished venting.

“I know… Just don’t go telling her everything. I don’t need Dad getting worked up again.”

“Hey, you keep my secrets, I keep yours,” Vic said, smiling meekly before heading back into the kitchen to get himself one of the cookies his mother had made. He told his mother that Mike was just tired and stressed about homework, then went up to his room—finally able to relax before the inevitable, stressful moment that their father returned home.


	4. Chapter 4

Kellin tried to keep his head down as he worked at the lock on his locker. Vic was standing next to him and Kellin was terrified the boy would want to talk to him after they’d become acquainted in the nurse’s office. He was out of clean baggy jeans to wear and had to settle for one of his old pair of tight-fitting skinny jeans, making him that much more self-conscious as he bent down to fit his backpack into the space at the bottom of his locker. He could practically hear Todd’s voice in the back of his mind. 

“Why do you need to go advertising that you’re a whore? Do you think everyone needs to see your dick through your pants? Not that there’s much to look at…”

He was focusing so much on the phantom of Todd’s voice in his head that it startled him when someone actually spoke to him aloud. 

“Hey, Kellin.”

“Huh?” Kellin’s head snapped up, his eyes locking with Vic’s. The boy was smiling at him, looking so friendly. 

He was just trying to make friends, Kellin told himself when his heart started pounding. He wasn’t planning to hurt him or get him in trouble with Todd. Vic was just a new student trying to make friends.

But why would he need more friends? He already had Jaime, and _Tony._

Kellin looked behind Vic toward Jaime’s locker, then turned to peer down the hall in the direction of Tony’s. Were they watching him? Was this a trick?

“How’s it going?” Vic asked, his tone becoming nervous. 

“F-Fine. I’m fine,” Kellin said, looking over his shoulder for Todd. 

“So… I kind of saw what happened in the cafeteria yesterday,” Vic said, calling Kellin’s attention back to him.

“What?—Oh. That… Yeah, it’s nothing.” 

“No, it’s not _nothing._ Does shit like that happen to you all time?” 

“It’s nothing,” Kellin repeated, more rapidly. He hurried to get his books out, his hands starting to shake. It was embarrassing how weak he’d become due to Todd’s treatment of him. He was scared to even talk to anybody—anybody who wasn’t Nurse Susan, Todd, or his own mother. 

“I was thinking…if you wanted to, maybe you could sit at my table with me and my brother and Tony.”

“No,” Kellin said, startled at how forcefully the word came out. “I-I mean—you don’t… You don’t have to do that. I usually sit with…with Todd’s friends.” He used to sit with Gabe at lunch, and that was where he’d planned to sit yesterday before Todd’s friends smashed his lunch tray into his chest. “Or Gabe…”

“Oh,” Vic said, fussing with the notebook in his hand—looking flustered. 

Why was this guy making so much of an effort to talk him? It just didn’t make sense. They didn’t _know_ each other. What happened to Kellin in the cafeteria was none of Vic’s business. Maybe he _was_ just trying to be nice, but Todd used to be that way too. Todd used to smile and act shy. 

And all of that fake kindness ended with Kellin on his knees with his face in the mud—trusting those nervous smiles ended with Kellin being used in the most excruciating way possible. 

“I guess I’ll see you in gym then,” Vic said, turning away completely when Kellin didn’t say anything else to him. He started shuffling his books around and took his hat off, setting it on the top shelf of his locker.

It made Kellin feel so ashamed. Vic seemed _nice._ Sure, Todd had seemed nice in the beginning, too, but there had always been signs… Vic had gotten his lip split in gym class, but he hadn’t even sounded angry or _bothered_ by it when he told the nurse what happened. He didn’t seem to have a temper the way Todd did. But how could Kellin really know that? They’d only talked that one time…

Kellin could imagine all the ways it could go wrong. Sure, Vic seemed kind now, but _everyone_ knew he and his brother transferred in from LHS—and everyone at LHS was into something, either drugs or guns or violent crimes. Maybe Jaime wasn’t like that, and maybe Tony and Miguel and Rosa weren’t like that, but Antonio had been—and so had Jose and Emmanuel. Kellin really didn’t want any more trouble… 

Kellin glanced over at Vic again after he’d gathered all of his notes, but looked away quickly when he saw Jaime approaching them. They’d inadvertently made eye contact and Kellin was _terrified_ Jaime was going to try talking to him as well. Couldn’t they tell he just wanted left alone?

“Hey! S’up, Kellin?” Jaime asked, his loud voice causing Kellin to shrink back against his open locker door. He didn’t want any trouble. He didn’t want any attention. Why couldn’t he be as invisible and insignificant as Todd always made him feel? “Not talking today, huh?” Jaime added when Kellin failed to answer him. “Did your dad tell you my mom and I went to the restaurant last night?” Jaime asked Vic, no longer wasting his time on Kellin.

“No. He was in one of his moods again,” Vic said, his voice low. 

Kellin slowly closed his locker and started down the hallway. 

“I guess I’ll talk to you later!” Vic called, his voice cutting through the roar of voices in the hallway. Kellin dared to look over his shoulder to see if Vic were addressing him or someone else, and felt his chest tighten when he saw Vic looking right at him.

_Why_ was he being so nice? What did he _want?_

Kellin couldn’t bring himself to say anything back or even offer a wave goodbye. He turned back around and walked a little faster, ignoring it as best he could when the nagging pain between his legs flared up. He whimpered softly and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to force his concentration to something other than the burning sting. 

As soon as he opened his eyes, fear rocketed through him. Todd was walking his direction—Todd who had to have heard Vic talking to him. That was the best way to get smacked…or violated. He wasn’t allowed to talk to other guys unless Todd approved of them, and there was no way Todd was ever going to approve of Vic. 

Kellin shrank back a little as Todd skulked toward him, his eyes hard and dark. 

“T-Todd?” Kellin whispered, cringing as his boyfriend—his _ex-boyfriend_ —drew nearer and slammed their shoulders together hard enough that it nearly knocked Kellin to the floor.

“Watch it, you fuckin’ freak!” Todd snapped.

Kellin felt the words like a knife, but tried not to let it show on his face as he hurried away to his classroom. He wanted this fight to be over. He wanted Todd to finish with the game and just take him back. As much as he hated the way Todd made him feel, he knew that Todd was the only one who could take that bad feeling away. Todd was his protector—Todd kept the bullies off his back, made sure teachers didn’t treat him poorly because of his sexuality… Todd was the center of his universe, and without him it just felt like everything was falling apart. 

Being attacked by Todd’s words and the jeers of his friends hurt more than the rape. He’d thought in that moment that he’d never feel any lower than he did with his face pressed into the dirt. But the way he still pined for Todd even after that brutality, the way he still let the insults hurt him, made him hate himself more than he ever thought possible. He was a kicked dog returning for more abuse. He still couldn’t walk without limping yet he spent all night trying to think of a way to win Todd back. 

He was such a fool… He was such an idiot.

All he could think as he slid down into his desk was to wonder how in the hell a loser like him had even managed to win Todd’s interest in the first place.

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic felt himself grinning like an idiot and immediately ducked his head. Kellin was in his seventh period art class. He’d been absent the day before, apparently having gone home after having his lunch tray smashed into his chest in the cafeteria, but he’d come today. No one had bothered him at lunch either and Vic noticed he’d sat at a table with a few other guys who seemed to treat him better. One of the guys even rubbed Kellin’s shoulder for a moment as if to console him. 

Vic didn’t want to show how excited it made him, especially since the only table with an open seat was his own. Kellin had to sit across from him—had to. Maybe they’d finally get a chance to interact without Kellin getting so nervous. He had to know Vic wouldn’t hurt him, and if he doubted that, he had to know Vic wouldn’t do it in a classroom full of people.

“Hey,” Vic said when Kellin made it to the table. His smile faded, though, when he noticed the way Kellin flinched as he sat down, squeezing his eyes shut as if he were in pain. When Kellin opened his eyes, he seemed to realize Vic had noticed and his self-consciousness showed on his face. He could tell Kellin didn’t want to talk about what was hurting him—and why would he want to talk about something so personal with a stranger? It probably had something to do with Todd—so Vic kept quiet about it. “How’s it going?”

“Fine,” Kellin said, his voice so quiet Vic could barely hear him over the chatter in the room. 

“Your cold seems to be getting better,” Vic said, grasping at straws for something to say. 

“M-My… My cold?” Kellin said, finally looking Vic in the eyes. 

“Yeah. I noticed it yesterday in the nurse’s office. Your voice, it’s…it’s clearer today.” Vic felt like an idiot. Kellin had hardly spoken three words to him all day, why had he said his _voice_ was clearer of all things? Why didn’t he just leave it at “I noticed you were sick”?

“Oh. Yeah, I’m not all—all congested. My nose isn’t so…so stuffed up,” Kellin said, waving his hands in this cute little way as he gestured to his face, his eyes cast back down on the table. 

The teacher started the class before Vic could really say more, handing out their new assignment sheet and lecturing briefly about the importance of light sources and shading. After about twenty minutes or so, he passed out paper for them to being practicing gradients with charcoal—allowing them to talk amongst each other as they worked. 

The girls at their table seemed to have in interest in either of them, so Vic didn’t feel bad for ignoring them and focusing all of his attention on Kellin. 

“So have you always gone to school here?”

“I guess. I went here last year… I’m only a sophomore.”

“I meant the district in general. Did you go to their middle school or…”

“Oh. Yeah.” Kellin didn’t really seem to want to talk. He kept his head down and gripped his piece of charcoal so hard it kept cracking. 

“Do you…like it here?”

“Is it true you’re from LHS?” Kellin asked suddenly, not looking up from his paper. 

To Vic it was like a slap in the face. He was trying to be nice—he was just trying to be sociable to the kid no one else seemed to acknowledge except for to pair him with Todd—and Kellin had the nerve to point out that Vic was from the poor district, the _ghetto._

Figures, Vic thought as he glared down at his paper. It was just like Jaime had said. It didn’t matter if he was nice. Kellin was upper middle class and he was white. To him, Vic was just another filthy Mexican encroaching upon his nice, safe school district. Until he proved he wasn’t dealing drugs or harboring weapons, he was going to be perceived as immigrant trash. 

“Is that where you met Jaime and…and Tony?” Kellin added when Vic didn’t answer him. 

What did it matter? Vic wanted to tell Kellin to just forget it—forget he ever spoke. What did Kellin care about how he knew Jaime or Tony? He didn’t seem to like either of them and, as far as Vic was concerned, they didn’t like him either. 

Vic ignored him, preferring not to be made the butt of his joke. He was trash. He came from trash. He got it. Fine. Whatever. 

“My friend Justin was in that district until fifth grade. He said it was really terrible.”

“It’s hell. You’re lucky you didn’t have to go there,” Vic said, refusing to let his guard down so easily again. 

“I told my mom about your dad’s restaurant last night,” Kellin said after a long period of silence. “She says we might go Friday or Saturday night.”

“I’ll probably be working if you come,” Vic said, looking up from his page. Kellin was looking at him, but only until Vic lifted his head. As soon as their eyes met, Kellin turned his gaze back to his messy gradient drawing and crushed up piece of charcoal. “I work every weekend.”

“Do you like it?” Kellin glanced at him again, a bit of curiosity lighting up his otherwise sleepy blue eyes. Vic couldn’t think of anyone—any man—who had eyes like Kellin’s. Not anyone at LHS, not anyone in his restaurant, not even a celebrity. 

“What?—The restaurant?”

“Working in it. Like, with your dad and everything.”

“It’s something,” Vic said, not really wanting to get into his home life. He couldn’t complain—he really couldn’t. His dad did so much for him and Mike. He worked hard to protect them and keep them out of trouble. He had a reason to be strict, even if it got out of hand sometimes.

“It seems like it’d be fun. You get to be with your family all the time.”

“It gets old really fast.” Vic said it without much thought, and when he looked up from his paper again, Kellin was staring at him. He almost looked _hurt._ “My dad is really tough. Like, when we’re in the restaurant he’s not even my dad. He’s my boss.”

“What about your mom?”

“Mom’s different,” Vic said. Very different… “She can’t stop being a mom for four minutes. I burnt myself on a plate once and she _made me_ wrap up my whole arm for the rest of the night. My _entire_ arm. It wasn’t even that bad of a burn, you know? It didn’t even leave a mark, but she’s getting out the first aid kit and trying to ‘kiss it better.’ And the _whole time_ the kitchen staff is laughing at me, and Mike was laughing at me. It was terrible. She’s terrible.”

“Sounds like my mom,” Kellin said, smiling a little. It was faint, but it was enough to make Vic’s heart flutter. Kellin was just so…different from other guys. He was _stunning._ If he didn’t hide himself in over-sized, dark clothes, he could probably strike a room speechless just by walking in and flashing a smile. And if his smile couldn’t do it, his eyes surely would. 

“Do you have any brothers or sisters?” 

“No. It’s just me and my mom. I don’t have a job or anything like you do, either. I’m…I’m boring.”

“I don’t think you’re boring,” Vic said before biting his lips. That was the sort of thing you _didn’t_ say to other guys—especially not guys that were already in a relationship with someone as dangerous as Todd. He should’ve said something casual like ‘eh, it’s whatever’ or ‘not really,’ not “I don’t think you’re boring.” He may as well have just said “Hi, I’m gay—I like you.” 

Kellin was looking at him again, but his smile was gone. He almost looked _afraid,_ but he had a reason to be if Todd were as cruel as Jaime and Tony made him out to be. He opened his mouth, but the teacher began giving instructions and told them to put their charcoals away and put their gradient sketches into their respective folders on the rack across the room. 

No sooner had Vic placed his paper away did the bell ring. Kellin was gone from the room before Vic even made it back to their table to collect his things. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Kellin went to his room as soon as he made it home. He had turned off his phone to avoid the messages Todd and his friends kept sending—calling him a liar, calling him a cheater—and put it in the drawer of his nightstand in an attempt to push it even further from his mind. 

He laid down on his bed and covered his head with his blankets, blocking out the light as best he could even though he knew his brain was too active to allow him to nap. His stomach was churning for no real reason, but the pains associated with stress were something he was becoming accustomed to.

Todd had yelled at him that morning in the hall, but ignored him the whole time they were in class together. He didn’t even snap at him or push him, or kick him under the desk. Kellin spent the entire day waiting for the explosion—waiting for Todd to smash him into the lockers and scream at him for talking to the new boy.

He’d tried so hard to ignore Vic and push him away, but the boy just wouldn’t let up. They had gym class and lunch and now _art_ together. It was impossible to just write him off. Kellin didn’t want to come off as rude and make Vic hate him.

Kellin couldn’t handle any more hatred being directed at him, but that was exactly what he’d gotten when he asked if Vic really transferred from LHS. He hadn’t meant it as an insult or a way to distinguish himself or make himself appear better than Vic in some way. It just seemed odd to him because Vic looked so kind and happy. No one who came from LHS was _happy._ How could they be? The place was unkempt and dangerous…

Vic’s face had become so hostile as soon as the question left Kellin’s mouth. Kellin offended him and he felt so immediately guilty that he had to do _something_ to make it better. So what if it was dangerous to associate with Vic? Todd was going to bully him and torment him regardless of whether or not he became friends with the new boy. He was nice—much nicer than Todd—and he had a smile that just… Kellin couldn’t even describe it. 

When Vic smiled, Kellin felt like things would be alright. If Vic, who had transferred from the hell that was LHS, could smile so easily, maybe he could help Kellin to do the same. Maybe he could pull him out of the darkness Todd pushed him into.

But then again… Why would Vic want to help him with anything? What did he want out of it? Kellin had no personality worth mentioning, though Vic had said he didn’t find him boring… 

What game was he playing? 

Kellin moaned and pulled his blankets away from his face. There had to be something… Kellin just needed to think logically. Vic was new to the school, but he already had friends—Jaime and Tony. He couldn’t be so lonely that he felt compelled to befriend Kellin out of desperation. Being friends with Jaime and Tony had to mean Vic knew all about Todd as well. He knew that on Vic’s first day, they’d been talking about him. 

So if Vic knew about Todd and already had friends, why did he want to be anywhere near Kellin? 

“I don’t think you’re boring,” Vic had said. Then he’d started looking anxious.

Todd had said something just like that before they’d starting dating. Kellin had been nervously telling him about his mundane home life and aspirations about being in a successful band. 

“It’s boring, I know,” Kellin said. 

“It’s not boring. I think you’re really cool, Kellin.” Todd smiled at him, Kellin blushed. 

Was Vic trying to say the same thing? What if he was playing the same game as Todd? Maybe he ignored his friend’s warnings about Todd because he himself was dangerous. Maybe Vic thought himself to be even more frightening than Todd. He’d come out of LHS smiling… He had to be dangerous. 

_Had to be._

Kellin rolled out of his bed, knowing he was too restless to sleep, and sat down in front of his laptop at his desk. He checked his email first, frowning at the number of messages in his inbox. There were fifteen emails from strange websites and accounts. Since the breakup, it seemed Todd had given his email to open accounts on all kinds of _awful_ sites. Sites his mother would probably ground him for even mentioning. 

After deleting the messages, Kellin opened his Facebook which had essentially died after he had deleted so many people to stop the harassment. Gabe was posting status updates from detention, Justin was sharing YouTube videos… His mom had posted a link to a gardening site for no reason while on her lunch break.

Everything seemed to have calmed down except the four friend requests at the top of his page. He knew one of them would be from Todd, but the other three would either be more of Todd’s friends or fake accounts Todd was making trying to get Kellin to let him back on his page. 

Kellin hesitated a moment before clicking the notification and reading off the names. As predicted, the first one was Todd, then there were two accounts for girls Kellin didn’t know. 

The last one was from Vic.

Vic Fuentes. 

Kellin bit his lip as he clicked on Vic’s name, the scrolled through his profile. His cover photo was an electric guitar—white with a green splatter print—and his profile picture was a dark image of himself and the same guitar. 

Kellin accepted the friend request just so he could keep clicking through the different pages on Vic’s account. He had pictures of himself and his brother playing instruments and the two of them with skateboards. There were photos of the restaurant and his parents.

His wall was full of posts about what he was doing and thinking—a classic over-sharer even though no one really commented on much that he said. Almost every other day he seemed to be posting photos of food he said he made with his mom (who liked each and every post) and sharing links to recipes. He and Jaime commented on each other’s posts a lot, but their banter always seemed friendly.

Nothing on Vic’s wall possessed even half the hatred or rage Todd’s typical posts did. Vic just seemed kind…

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic finished his chores and hurried back up to his room to check his phone. He couldn’t help the stupid grin that overcame his face when he had a notification from Facebook saying Kellin had accepted his request. He sat on his bed and looked all over Kellin’s profile, knowing he was being a creep but unable to stop himself from clicking through all of his photo albums. 

It discouraged him every time he saw a photo of Kellin and Todd, but he noticed quickly how different Kellin looked when Todd was involved. When Vic finally reached the photos from before Kellin and Todd were a couple, it was as if he were looking at an entirely different person. 

He wasn’t wearing baggy, dark clothes. He wore skinny jeans like he had been today in school, had his hair cut a little shorter and groomed a lot better, and even had the same band t-shirt Vic had worn on his first day in the new school. Only Vic typically wore it alone and Kellin coupled his with a loose-fitting red and black flannel. 

Before Todd, Kellin had had _style._ He looked like the sort of person who would fit right in with Vic and his circle of friends. 

Vic found himself staring at a photo of Kellin from over a year and a half ago, an image of him sitting on the steps of someone’s house. He had on black boots and skinny jeans, showing how thin and lean his legs were—and the plump curve of his thighs. He had his eyes covered with dark sunglasses and a grey beanie fitted over his chin-length hair. He looked so happy in that photo… 

What would it take to get him to smile like that again?

Vic went back to Kellin’s profile and started scrolling through his wall. He seldom posted anything that wasn’t of himself and Todd together, but Vic began noticing that there were more comments on those photos than the older ones. He clicked on one of the pictures he’d been avoiding—Todd kissing Kellin on the cheek while Kellin scrunched up his face in presumed embarrassment. 

It made him guilty to look at those photos because even if it was clear there was something off between Kellin and Todd, they were still a couple and he was still trying to get in between them. 

The comments, however, made that guilt disappear. 

_Cheater._

_Whore._

_How cld U? Todds the best thing tht evr hapnd 2 U!_

_Wow you’re hideous. How can you even live with yourself?_

On and on the messages went, getting worse and worse. At least fifteen people were showering Kellin with hatred, accusing him of cheating or sleeping around. Even if it was true, the cruelty in those comments was so unjustified. Vic felt sick to his stomach just looking at them. 

“Hey, Mike?” Vic called, hoping Mike was still in his room and hadn’t gone downstairs to do his chores yet.

“What?”

“Come here for a minute. I want to show you something.”

As he waited for Mike to come into the room, Vic clicked on other photos only to be met with more of the same negative comments. Some were just _brutal._ More than one told him he should drop out of school or kill himself. No wonder Kellin was so nervous to talk to Vic. He had to be expecting more of the same hatred, even from a stranger.

“What did you want?” Mike asked, leaning against his doorframe. 

“Look at this,” Vic said, getting up from his bed and going to Mike. He showed him one of the photos and the comments people were leaving. 

“Shit,” Mike said. “I guess he and Todd aren’t together anymore then.”

“Yeah. They get really nasty. Look.” Vic showed one of the messages telling him to kill himself before he could hurt Todd anymore.

“Damn… Sucks to be him.”

“Mike!”

“What? What do you want me to say? He cheated on a crazy person. Just do me a favor and _don’t_ try to fix this one. Dad will lose his mind if your profile starts getting covered in this shit, too.”

“He needs a friend right now—”

“Vic, he’s trouble. I don’t like it. “

“So he made some mistakes. He doesn’t deserve to be told to kill himself!”

“No, but we don’t need you getting beat up by Todd or having your tires slashed. Just let it go. You can’t save everybody.”

“But what if something does happen to Kellin? Like what if he hurts himself? I have to do something.”

“God, you always do this. We just got into this school. Can you _not_ try to get mixed up in bullshit before the week is even out?”

“He needs a friend—”

“You don’t want to be his friend—you want to date him. You think he’s some sad kicked puppy and you want to take him in and make him better. But you can’t, Vic. It doesn’t work that way.”

“Why can’t I just be friends with somebody without you twisting it around?” Vic snapped. Maybe he did want to help Kellin—maybe he did think he could save him—but why was that such a bad thing? He needed support and Vic wanted to be there for him. Sure, part of him was hoping it could grow into more but that wasn’t his only goal. 

“Because you’re not trying to be friends. You’re trying to get with him and if you’re stupid about it, Dad’s going to find out.”

“I’m not going to let Dad find out,” Vic mumbled. He could only imagine the horror his father would put him through if he found out Vic was gay. 

“Be careful, okay? That’s all I’m going to ask. Because I know you and I know you’re not going to stay away from him. So just…don’t be stupid.”

“Whatever,” Vic said, going back over to his bed and sitting down. He had his eyes back on his phone, looking through the photos of Kellin before he met Todd. He smiled more before Todd. He dressed better, cleaned himself up better, carried himself differently. 

He used to post selfies where he would be smiling or making strange faces for the camera—showing off those pretty blue eyes he had. 

Vic could barely breathe when he looked into those eyes. 

After he’d scrolled through as much of Kellin’s profile as he could, Vic stared at the messenger button—trying to work up the courage to send him a greeting. 

It took him ten minutes to send a short _Hi : )_ before he started his homework. It didn’t surprise him when Kellin didn’t answer right away. He figured the boy either had homework or chores of his own or, maybe, he didn’t want to talk to risk talking to anyone. 

Vic had finished his science homework before his phone pinged, but instead of being a reply from Kellin it was his father. 

“Who is this person?” His father asked, sending a screen capture of his own phone—a picture of the notification on his feed that Vic Fuentes and Kellin “Quinn” were now friends.

Vic sighed and explained that Kellin was his new friend from school. He knew he couldn’t leave it there and added that they had two classes and lunch together, and that he seemed to do well in classes (even though that part was mostly made up). 

“OK.”

That was his father’s only response. For now. Vic knew that once he got home he’d have more to ask and would probably demand Vic hand over his phone so he could check Kellin’s profile and make sure he wasn’t trouble.

That would be the end of things, Vic thought. He’d see Kellin was gay and would forbid them from ever spending time together.

Unless…

Vic got an idea and immediately stood up from his desk. He made his way downstairs to the kitchen where his mother was making dinner, humming to herself. 

“Hey, Mom?” Vic asked, coming closer to her and resting his chin on her shoulder. She was always touchy-feely even though Vic preferred to keep his space, so whenever he really needed a favor, all he had to do was cuddle up to her. 

“What do you want?” She asked, her tone suspicious but not unfriendly. 

“Do you think we have any more of those twenty-five percent off coupons Dad made for the restaurant?”

“Why?”

“My new friend said he and his mom might come on Friday.”

“So they need twenty-five percent off?” His mother asked. She was about to tell him no, and Vic couldn’t have that. The coupon, he hoped, would encourage Kellin to actually come. Maybe if Kellin saw him at work, he’d realize Vic wasn’t dangerous or trouble. 

“Well, I know Dad’s going to want to meet him and his parents before we can ever hang out, and if they’re in the restaurant—”

“Alright. I’ll go look for one of the coupons after dinner’s in the oven.”

“Thank you,” Vic said, hugging her before pulling away and going back upstairs. 

As soon as he reached the top of the stairs, his phone beeped again and when he looked, it was a message from Kellin.

“Hi.” How could two letters make Vic smile so much?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so glad you all seem to be enjoying this story :D I know the progression is a little slow, but I promise they start getting closer in the next chapter! (Then the real action starts up!) Thanks for reading and for leaving feedback! I appreciate it more than you know! :D


	5. Chapter 5

Kellin still couldn’t bring himself to associate much with Vic while they were in school, but afterwards it came easier and easier to talk with him online. For the first couple hours after school, Vic would be silent, but then he always started talking around four o’clock until it was time for him to have dinner. Kellin really appreciated the way Vic always told him before he would stop answering. Todd never did that. He would just stop answering, leaving Kellin to wonder if he’d said something wrong or if something happened. 

Vic could turn anything into a conversation, too. He was so easy to talk to, even when they just discussed nonsense like movies and bands. On Thursday night, they’d talked for almost six hours straight yet the hours ticked by like minutes. Vic was a welcome distraction from all the pain Kellin had been muddling through. 

Todd, for the most part, ignored him now and while it was still agonizing to be forgotten so easily, having Vic to fill that void of free time Kellin now had was making it all bearable. And Vic was just so _positive_ about everything. No matter what Kellin said, if things started looking negative, Vic found a way to turn them around and make it better. 

Thursday night, though…that was when their conversation really became serious. It wasn’t just about music and bands they both liked. It was about Kellin and Todd—the very issue Kellin was trying to escape. 

He asked how they had ended up together, then asked why they broke up. Kellin thought about closing the conversation and going to bed—ignoring the question and never talking to Vic again just to avoid it—but chose not to. He didn’t want to go back to being isolated. Justin and Gabe talked to him, but they were still frustrated that he wouldn’t come to practice. They didn’t understand how _bad_ he felt. He wasn’t just ill, he was _unhappy._

Vic seemed to understand that. So Kellin told him as much of the truth as he would dare. Todd, for whatever reason, seemed to think Kellin wanted to be with _Tony_ and had gotten mad about it at the football game. 

“With Tony???” Vic had asked. “My Tony???”

Kellin told him yes and then explained over and over that he wasn’t at all interested in Tony—that he didn’t even know Tony. He didn’t want Vic to get the impression that Todd was justified in his accusations—or that he was only talking to Vic to get to Tony. 

“Jaime’s under the impression Todd wants to hook up with Tony,” Vic said, ignoring completely how panicked Kellin was in his explanations. 

Kellin stared at his screen then, letting it all sink in. Could that be true? Was Todd so defensive about Tony because he was the one who wanted to cheat? Maybe Todd had felt so guilty about his own feelings for Tony that he’d projected them onto Kellin. After all, he wouldn’t have to feel bad if Kellin was the one in the wrong.

“Is Tony even gay?” Kellin asked.

“Not even a little bit,” Vic said. Kellin hesitated to answer, not sure what to say, then Vic sent more messages—coming to his friend’s defense. “He’s not homophobic or anything though. I mean he doesn’t have a problem with me.”

Kellin wanted to say the reveal surprised him, but he’d honestly expected it. He could tell Vic liked him, especially when Vic made a point to talk to him every free moment he had. The confession, though, just made Kellin nervous. There was a chance Vic just wanted another person like himself to confide in about the struggles of coming out (if he wasn’t already out to his family), but Kellin didn’t think that was all there was to it. 

“Tony should stay away from Todd,” Kellin said, deflecting Vic’s comment. 

“Trust me, he wants nothing to do with Todd.”

Kellin found it hard to feel so lighthearted about their conversation after that, even after Vic started talking about his family’s restaurant _again._ He really wanted Kellin and his mom to come when he was working this weekend, had even given him a coupon for twenty-five percent off a meal for two. 

“Why do you want us to come so bad??” Kellin asked, trying to sound friendly as opposed to suspicious. He couldn’t help it that he had no trust for the other boy. Todd had robbed him of all his innocence. He knew very well what the purpose of relationships was and it wasn’t hand-holding and cuddling. If Vic was being friendly because he wanted a boyfriend, it was because he wanted sex—something Kellin wanted absolutely nothing to do with. He just wanted Vic to come out and say it, say he liked him and wanted him for more than a friend so Kellin could turn him down and this all could stop.

“It’s my dad. If I ever want to hang out with somebody he has to meet their parents first and it’s a major pain. If you come to the restaurant when he’s there, he can just meet you then. It won’t be as big a deal.”

“Oh. OK.” That wasn’t at all what he’d been expecting.

“He’s really protective is all. He’s not crazy or anything. Just…. .. . Involved.”

“Sounds kind of crazy,” Kellin said, preferring to talk about Vic’s family and life over his own. Hearing about Vic’s problems gave him something to fixate on instead of his own issues. 

“He doesn’t want anything bad to happen to me and Mike.”

“My mom hasn’t even met most of my friends,” Kellin replied. 

“Dad’s scared we’ll get into trouble. We’re from LHS remember??”

Vic seemed so self-conscious about where he came from, but Kellin couldn’t blame him. That entire district was a joke—parents threatened to send their kids there if their grades were poor. Everyone knew that parts of the building were falling in, but no one in government cared. Why would they? That’s where all the “illegals” send their children. Why spend tax money on a lot of lost causes—destined only to grow into delinquents and drug dealers? That was what everybody thought about that area… After getting closer to Vic, Kellin started to feel ashamed for believing the hype. 

“Is it scary there?” Kellin asked.

“Where?? With Dad?”

“At LHS. People say a lot but I don’t know anything about it.”

Kellin waited a long time before a text message came through. 

“Yea kind of.” It took Vic ten minutes to send that simple message. He was clearly uncomfortable and Kellin was sorry he’d even asked. He didn’t want to chase Vic away or make him feel judged. Vic was kind. Kellin didn’t want to lose that.

“I’m happy you’re not there anymore. You seem too nice to be at LHS.” Kellin stared at the message, reading it over and over before daring to press send. It seemed too friendly. What if Vic mistook it as an invitation? Kellin just wanted to be _nice._ He couldn’t have another boyfriend…

Vic sent him a smiley face, but nothing more.

Was he really happy or had Kellin offended him and Vic just didn’t want to say so? 

Kellin was still trying to think of something to say in response when Vic texted him again.

“My dad’s upset at me. I have to go.” There was a frowning face at the end of the message that mirrored Kellin’s sentiments.

He didn’t believe Vic’s father was even involved. He felt that he’d upset Vic and now Vic just didn’t want to talk to him anymore. 

Kellin closed out of the messages and set his phone aside. Maybe it was for the best… Having Vic around was dangerous anyway. So what if Todd was ignoring him now? If he decided he was finished with this game and wanted to get back together, he could spend the rest of their time together yelling at Kellin for cheating with Vic. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic could feel himself smiling like an idiot when Kellin and his mother came through the front doors of their restaurant. Kellin had his head down, looking nervous, but his mother was peering around the place smiling almost as much as Vic was. She looked excited and Vic could tell she was the sort of friendly, out-going woman that his own mother would try to befriend. 

“Mom?” Vic said, slipping back into the kitchen where his mother was fussing over a stain in Mike’s shirt. “Hey, Mom?”

“What? Did you drop something too?” His mother asked, not looking up from the spot she was trying to rub out on Mike’s shirt. 

Mike looked at him with an expression that screamed “help me,” but Vic knew it was a lost cause. He was going to be stuck there until the bleach did its job and the orange smear was gone from his clothes.

“No—my friend is here. The one I wanted you and dad to meet.”

“Oh! Alright then. Get them seated and I’ll bring their drinks out as soon as I get rid of this _stain.”_

Vic thanked her and hurried back out of the kitchen. He watched as the hostess seated Kellin and his mother at a nice table by the window. It wasn’t in his section, but he was sure Lucy wouldn’t mind. He’d even give her the tip if she wanted. Right now, he didn’t care about money. How could he? Kellin was in his restaurant wearing skinny jeans and a t-shirt that _wasn’t_ three sizes too big. 

He looked so good, even though his nervousness showed on his face as he shifted around in his seat. His hair was hanging in front of his eyes, but his pouty lower lip was still on full display. 

Vic watched him a moment longer, then came out of the safety of the doorway to take Kellin and his mother’s drink orders. When Kellin saw him walking over, his eyes went a little wide as if he really hadn’t expected Vic to be working—even though they’d been talking about it for days. 

As soon as he reached the table he greeted them and introduced himself to Kellin’s mother who was practically beaming at him. She started complimenting everything from the décor to the menu design until Kellin interrupted her—seemingly embarrassed by her overenthusiasm. 

“So your parents are working here too tonight?” Kellin asked, looking up at Vic for less than two seconds before lowering his head again. He seemed so shy, but Vic couldn’t even begin to fathom a reason for it. They talked together all the time.

“Yeah. My dad’s in the office right now, but my mom’s in the kitchen helping Mike.”

“Mike’s your brother, right?” Kellin’s mother asked. “I’m trying to keep all the names straight,” she added with a polite laugh. 

“Yes. He—He spilled something on himself so my mom’s back there chasing him with a bottle of bleach trying to get it out.” Vic glanced back at the kitchen doors where his mother was standing, Mike behind her with a rather disappointed look on his face. 

“Aw, poor kid,” Kellin’s mother said, still smiling. 

Vic then wrote down what they wanted for drinks—a water with lemon for Kellin’s mother and an iced tea for Kellin—and retreated to the kitchen.

“You know, when I saw the long hair I was hoping for a pretty girl, Vic,” his mother said _immediately._

“Mom, please,” Vic said, going to fill the drinks.

“Are you even trying to meet girls?”

“Mom! It’s been one week. Give us a chance. Jeez!” Mike said, collecting a tray of plates and making his way out of the kitchen.

“Alright, alright. I’ll take their drinks.” She readied a tray and grabbed the filled cups from Vic. “If I get the idea your dad’s not going to approve, I’m going to tell you to forget it. I hope you know that.”

“I know,” Vic mumbled, ignoring the sad looks all the members of the kitchen staff were giving him. How pathetic—he wasn’t even allowed to choose his own friends.

Vic was left watching from the kitchen as his mother went over to Kellin’s table and started to socialize. He was praying Kellin’s mother would make a good impression even if Kellin seemed too anxious.

“Table thirteen!” 

As soon as it was called, Vic had to pull himself away from the door and gather up the plates. His mother was still talking with Kellin’s mom who was laughing in her polite way. Kellin had his head tilted down, but looked up whenever Vic’s mother addressed him. 

Vic couldn’t tell if things were going well or not, but he feared for the worst. He didn’t know what standards his parents judged his friends and their families against. They couldn’t say anything about Jaime and Tony because they were all from the same neighborhood and their families had gotten out first. But how could they judge Kellin? He wasn’t Hispanic, he wasn’t from their old neighborhood… It was doubtful his parents knew anyone who knew Kellin’s mother, so how would they base their opinions? Just on sight alone.

“Everything look alright?” Vic asked as he set down the plates for table thirteen—a family of four.

“Oh, it looks perfect!” The mother was saying, all happy and cheerful. Her husband just nodded—the typical “I’m better than you are” stoicism in his eyes. 

“Do you want me to bring you any more to drink—a refill on your Coke?”

Of course they needed more drinks, and the man wanted another margarita. Vic went to the bar to put in an order for the man’s margarita, then returned to the kitchen to get refills for the mother and two children. Mike was also filling drinks at the fountain, but didn’t seem in the mood to talk. He was glaring at a cup of Diet Coke like he wished it dead, and there was yet another orange spatter on his shirt. 

Vic hurried back out to his table, passing a nervous glance toward his mother at Kellin’s table, and set down the fresh cups. 

“Edouard will have that margarita for you in a moment or two,” Vic said when the man started giving him the stink eye. He hurried away from the table and looked toward the bar where Edouard was already coming around with the large glass of liquor in hand. 

He wanted to go back over to Kellin’s table, but their hostess was sitting another family down in his section so he had no choice but to go welcome the new guests and take their drink orders. It seemed to take an eternity for the couple to decide on a cocktail and an ice water.

By the time he got away from the table, his mother was already on her way back to the kitchen.

“So?” He asked her, trying not to show how eager he was. 

“His mom seems nice. She works in accounting, did you know that?” 

“No,” Vic said, not sure if that was a good thing or not. Accountants made a lot of money, didn’t they? That had to be a plus, right? 

“She seems very nice, Vic. I’ll tell your father to go touch tables after they’ve had their dinner, alright?”

“Really?” Vic asked, knowing he had to look like an excited three year old. He couldn’t help himself, though. Kellin had passed the first test, that was such a good sign. 

“Yes. He’s an honors student, did you know that?—Michael! What the hell have you done now!?” 

Vic pulled away from his mother as she stormed toward Mike who was returning with a tray of empty plates. Their mother noticed the new stain on his shirt.

“It was the same little kid as before—she keeps flinging shit at me.”

“Watch your mouth or I’ll get your father in here! Come on—let’s get you cleaned up.” Again Mike was subjected to the bottle of bleach, and again Vic went to hide from them by the doors—spying on Kellin. 

He looked so cute sipping on his tea, focused on his mother who was talking to him. She got him to smile, and then laugh so hard than he ended up poking himself in his face with the plastic straw when he went to take a drink from his cup again.

Vic hoped more than anything that all would go well. He wanted to be allowed to spend more time with Kellin—he wanted them to get to know each other and get closer…

It felt like an eternity before Kellin and his mother’s orders were up. Kellin had gotten a meal off their vegetarian menu, but his mother had spared no expense on one of the house specials. Why would she not make the most of it, though, considering the twenty-five percent off coupon she had.

“Oh this just looks fantastic!” Kellin’s mother exclaimed when her plate was set before her. 

Kellin managed a smile but didn’t say anything, and Vic slowly moved away from the table, making his rounds and checking on guests. It scared him a little when he saw his father come out of the office, but made sure to be more animated with his guests so his father couldn’t accuse him of being lazy.

His anxiety was peaked when his mother stepped out of the kitchen and pointed out Kellin’s table to her husband. His father looked straight at him, then started for Kellin’s table—forcing on his friendly, managerial smile. 

Vic shook as he took order for another table, unable to stop his hands from trembling. Now was the true test. Either his father would shut him down with a sharp “no,” or he’d allow them to be friends. Vic was so afraid it was going to be the latter.

His father talked to them for close to three minutes before moving on to another table—seeing that everything is done well and the customers are happy. 

The restaurant started to become busier and busier as the night ticked on, but Vic managed to find a spare second to sneak over to Kellin’s table and ask how everything had turned out. Kellin’s mother kept her cheerful disposition and complimented his father on the restaurant. 

“It’s such a beautiful place. I wasn’t expecting it at all when Kell told me it was Mexican food. I was thinking, you know, everything wrapped in a tortilla but this is just…wow. This is like…actual _cuisine.”_

“Yeah, my dad wanted to set himself apart from the restaurants like that. He said it’s a mix of fine dining and traditional meals,” Vic said, glancing at Kellin who was enjoying the very last bits of his tea. 

“Right, right,” Kellin’s mother said, nodding her head in understanding. “There are enough restaurants serving chips and salsa. This is just so good.”

“I’ll tell my dad you really like it. Is there anything else we can get for you? Desert or anything?” Vic looked from Kellin’s mother to Kellin, hoping they’d say yes to dessert. 

“Oh, we probably shouldn’t,” Kellin’s mother said, smiling politely. Kellin would look at Vic occasionally, but mostly kept his head down facing his empty plate.

“How about some fried ice cream on the house?” Vic offered, knowing he was making himself obvious to Kellin whose cheeks began to turn pink.

“No—you don’t have to do that,” Kellin’s mother said. “You’ve done enough with this coupon.”

“It’s not a problem. If you want it, I’ll cover it for you. It’s the least I can do after my parents have been all over your table since you got here.”

“Oh, that’s not a big deal. Your mother’s such a sweetheart! She promised to give me one of her recipes if I come back next weekend.”

“Be careful. If she learns you can cook, she’ll try to put you to work in our kitchen,” Vic said with a smile. Kellin didn’t respond much, but his mother gave another polite laugh. “Let me get you that dessert. It’ll only be a moment.”

He backed away from the table and made his way to the check-out counter where he paid out of pocket for the fried ice cream for Kellin’s table. The serving size was small, but neither Kellin nor his mother seemed that hungry so hopefully they wouldn’t sharing. 

After paying, he brought the ticket and a copy of it back to the kitchen. He showed it to his mother who could care less—too engrossed with the lecture she was giving Mike about keeping his shirt clean to pay Vic any mind at all. 

Vic carried out two trays and refilled drinks for one of his tables before returning to deliver the ice cream to Kellin and his mother along with two, clean spoons. Kellin actually seemed to perk up for dessert and smiled at Vic in an almost genuine way before picking up a spoon and digging it.

“I’ll be back in a little bit with your check,” Vic said, trying to keep from smiling like an idiot as he moved away from the table. When he turned to go back into the kitchen, however, his father was standing in the doorway with his arms crossed, shaking his head in disapproval. 

“My office. Go,” his father said. Vic lowered his head, hoping Kellin didn’t notice what was going on, then made his way to the office. He wondered what he’d done this time, but knew his father wouldn’t make him guess. He’d start the scolding immediately and wouldn’t stop until he was certain he’d pushed Vic back down into submission—as if he ever even dared to rebel in the first place. “I told you when we started this business that we don’t comp meals for friends. Did I not say that?”

“I didn’t comp it. I paid for it—” Vic went to hand his father the receipt only to have the man snatch it from his hand and slam the paper down on his cluttered desk. 

“You bet your ass you paid for it! But that doesn’t matter, Vic. You start giving your friends food for free and they’ll expect it every time they come in. It’s bad enough you talked your mother into letting you give them one of our coupons. How do you expect us to make any money if you’re giving thigs away for free?”

“But I paid for it,” Vic said, looking over at the receipt his father had discarded.

“Are you going to pay the other twenty-five percent of their bill? Because otherwise you’re losing me money.”

“If you want me to,” Vic mumbled.

“I’ve had enough of your attitude. If you’re not going to listen to me, you can just go home. Forget your shift and walk yourself home.”

“No, Dad, please. I don’t want to go home. I didn’t mean to hurt the business, or—or anything. I wanted Kellin and his mom to come meet you, that’s all I was trying to do.”

“You’re lucky I even considered letting you be friends with that kid. He’s a punk. I can tell just by looking at him. Can’t even get the kid to make eye contact. He won’t even _look_ at me. And that’s the sort of person you want me to let you hang out with?”

“He’s just nervous, Dad.”

“I don’t want to hear it. If I find out you’ve given another coupon or you’re comping meals again, you’re in for trouble when we get home. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes,” Vic said, keeping his head down. He didn’t understand why his father was so angry. He’d paid for the dessert and he knew Kellin wouldn’t expect to eat for free whenever he came to the restaurant. There was no reason to be so upset, but Vic couldn’t argue with him. He didn’t want to go home. If he got sent home from the restaurant, he’d be in for a beating once his dad made it home as well. It had happened to Mike before and Vic didn’t want in any trouble. 

All he wanted was friends, but his father was making it perfectly clear that all he was going to get in return for his efforts was pain.

When he was finally dismissed from his father’s office, Vic went immediately back into the kitchen—not even daring to glance at Kellin’s table. He stood by the soda fountain a moment, trying to regain his composure before checking up on his tables. It was pathetic, but all he wanted to do was cry. 

He was sick of feeling so isolated, but now that he’d found someone he wanted to get close to, his father seemed determined to prevent it. He wasn’t _allowed_ to have friends. Hell, he wasn’t allowed to do anything kind or generous. He paid for the dessert so why was he still in trouble? He even offered to pay the twenty-five percent the coupon would cover. Kellin didn’t seem the type _at all_ who would expect to get things for free. It had been hard enough getting him to accept the coupon.

But his father didn’t care. He didn’t care what Vic wanted or what his intentions were. The business was all that mattered. He wasn’t Vic’s parent or father—he was his boss. That was it. Vic was his employee—no love or blood between them.

“Dad said no, didn’t he?” Mike said, appearing behind Vic and putting a hand on his shoulder.

“I don’t know,” Vic said, pulling away. “Doesn’t matter. I have work to do.” There weren’t any orders coming in so he was forced to go back out into the seating area, pushing back his tears in order to smile for his customers.

The hardest was keeping his façade as he delivered the check to Kellin’s table. He could tell right away that Kellin saw right through him, but the boy said nothing while Vic gave his rehearsed “thanks for coming, have a safe trip home” speech. He left out any and all personal touches and kept eye contact as briefly as possible. He just wanted them to leave. He just wanted to be alone before he could do anything else to get himself in trouble. 

( ) ( ) ( )

“Did I get you in trouble?” Kellin had sent the message while he’d still been at the table in the restaurant, but didn’t get an answer until after midnight.

“No. I mixed up an order.” His bluntness told Kellin that Vic was lying. 

Kellin didn’t know what he’d done wrong to make a bad impression, but he couldn’t think of any way to make it right.

“The ice cream was really good,” Kellin added, hoping to change the subject. He was worried he’d somehow offended Vic’s parents and now they weren’t going to be allowed to talk anymore. He didn’t want to lose their conversation. Of all the people around him, he felt Vic was the one he could get closest to. 

Vic was on his level. He understood what it was like to be judged for his sexuality, to be afraid of what people would think of him or do to him if he revealed the wrong thing to the wrong person. Kellin’s straight friends couldn’t appreciate that—especially not now that he was out. They didn’t understand him, nor did they want to. He wasn’t rejected for being gay, but he could tell they were uncomfortable with him around. Vic didn’t look at him that way—as if he were dirty or as if he needed to be cautious about how close he got. 

“I’m glad you liked it,” Vic replied. 

He was being so cold. It was like a punch in the gut. Kellin must’ve done something wrong to take away all of Vic’s positive energy and smiling emojis. He really shouldn’t be surprised though. He wasn’t good enough for Vic… It was for the best that they stopped being friends now instead of later—before they wasted any more of each other’s time. 

Vic didn’t like him and it was best to just accept that and move on. Besides, they’d known each other less than a week. There was no need to even get upset about it.

At least, that was what Kellin told himself as he put his phone in his nightstand drawer and closed his eyes. He could tell himself there was no reason to be sad or lonely. He could tell himself he was better off isolated, or that he should try to put the memories of Vic behind him as if it were all just a mirage from a pleasant dream. He could pretend it never really happened and do his best to keep his head down at school… Vic clearly didn’t like him anymore, so it wasn’t like he’d speak up and shatter the dream, right?

He could tell himself all of that, but it didn’t keep the tears out of his eyes. 

When he heard his phone beep from inside the drawer of his nightstand, Kellin fought to resist its call. He didn’t want hurt anymore. He didn’t want to be made to feel so worthless and forgettable. 

He’d thought Vic was different…

Maybe that was why he rolled over and made himself take his phone out again and check the message from Vic.

“You looked really nice tonight.”

Kellin stared at the text until the compliment made him cry harder. He felt so conflicted—so torn between wanting Vic close and keeping him a safe distance away. He knew what Vic wanted from him—he wanted kissing and cuddling and _sex._ He wanted to claim Kellin as his own, use him up until there was nothing left and then ditch him in the dirt just like Todd. Why did it have to be so complicated?—So twisted? Couldn’t they be close? Couldn’t they just get close and act like Hollywood? 

Kellin rolled over onto his side and cradled his phone to his chest, sobbing as he fought with himself over how to respond. He didn’t want to be alone anymore, but he didn’t want broken down again. He couldn’t bear the thought of Vic—polite, smiling Vic—pinning him down and brutalizing him in the mud. 

But that’s what would happen. If he let his guard down, that was exactly what was going to happen—and he’d deserve it for letting himself get so close to someone again.

His phone beeped again and Kellin wept harder. He was fucking it up. Whether he answered or not he was fucking everything up. Vic was either going to hate him or hurt him, and both options crushed him. 

“I’m sorry,” Vic said, adding a frowning emoji. 

Kellin stared at it, fighting so hard to think of the right thing to do. His hands started shaking as he typed a reply—a much longer reply than could ever have been acceptable.

He apologized for being so awkward in the restaurant, apologized for not being good at holding a conversation. He confessed that he was starting to get the idea that Vic wanted to be with him, but explained he couldn’t handle another relationship right now. He was too damaged after all that had happened with Todd.

The he erased every single word. Vic wouldn’t want to hear his excuses. 

He stared at the screen, at Vic’s apology and the frowny face, then tried again.

“I wish you were here.”

He didn’t let himself think this time. He just hit send.

Vic’s response was simple. One character.

A heart.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Racial slurs are present in this chapter. The use of such words is not something I promote and should not be assumed as feelings I possess, but rather as those of the character. Racial tensions, racial stereotypes, and racism in general, as well as the division between people of different economic classes, are issues I have touched on and will continue to explore in this story. I will not pretend such issues do not exist or sugarcoat them. I do not intend to turn this simple fic into some sort of lecture about racial inequality (I believe there are other platforms of expression more fitting than fanfiction), but the themes will remain throughout the story nonetheless. My apologies to anyone who may be offended by the use of derogatory language. Please do not take it as a reflection of my own feelings, but rather as another detestable trait possessed by the story's main antagonist.

Vic was practically jumping up and down he was so excited. He’d made Mike come to school with him fifteen minutes earlier than they usually arrived just so he could see Kellin the moment he walked through the doors. They’d talked all weekend, and even though Kellin’s moods seemed to shift by the hour, Vic was _positive_ they were getting to be more than just friends. The prospect of even being considered as a possible boyfriend for Kellin was enough to make Vic’s heart start racing. 

“You’re a moron, you know that?” Mike grumbled, glaring at Vic from where he leaned against the wall by the doors.

“What?—Why?” 

“Because. Jaime and Tony have told you a hundred times that Kellin is bad news and yet here we are—here _you_ are. Chasing after him like a lost puppy.”

“He’s not trouble. Todd’s the one who makes problems, and they broke up. So it’s fine.”

“Sure. Keep telling yourself that.”

“Relax, Mike. Kellin’s not dangerous. He’s shy and…quiet.” Vic frowned as he watched a group of students hurry in through the front doors. None of them were Kellin. 

“You’re a fucking moron.”

“Why do you keep saying that? Why can’t you just be happy for me for once?”

“Because you’re not going to be smiling when Dad finds out and beats the shit out of you—or when Todd figures out you’re trying to get with his ex- and beats the shit out of you.”

“What does Todd care? He and Kellin broke up. If he doesn’t want him anymore, he can’t get mad at me.”

“Moron.”

“Shut up!”

“Fine, but remember this conversation when Dad goes through your phone. You know he’s not going to approve—”

“I know, alright? I know! He’ll either beat me or kick me out of the house. I don’t care. I can’t change who I am and I don’t want to be alone forever. I really like Kellin and he likes me. So you can either deal with it or just shut the fuck up.” Vic’s voice faded away into an irritable grumble as a flock of girls walked past him into the school. They all passed him dirty, distrustful looks as they went by—reminding him that he didn’t belong here. Reminding him of how lucky he was to have Kellin’s attention.

Finally, after close to ten minutes of waiting, Kellin appeared on the sidewalk. He walked with his head down and his hands on the shoulder straps of his black book bag, a white cord leading from his pocket up to his earbuds. 

When he finally lifted his head, his eyes met with Vic’s and went wide. He quickly ducked his head again after Vic waved at him, but when he got to the top of the stairs he was smiling.

“Hi,” Vic said to him, smiling back.

“Hey,” Kellin said, taking out his earbuds and taking his phone from his pocket, pausing his music. “How was work last night? You didn’t text back.”

“Sorry about that. I fell asleep right when I got home. We were pretty slow, but Sunday nights are deep-cleaning nights at the restaurant,” Vic said, smiling at Kellin even as they began walking down the hallway. 

“That doesn’t sound fun.”

“It’s awful, but it has to be done. What about you—how was your Sunday?”

“Um… Fine, I guess. I just slept most of the day. Watched TV with Mom.”

“You didn’t go to practice?”

“No… They don’t really want me there anymore.”

“What do you mean? Why do you say that?”

“I don’t know… They’re still upset at me for missing most of last week.”

“But you’d just broken up with Todd—they have to understand that.”

“They’re guys,” Kellin said before lowering his voice and adding: “Straight guys. They don’t care about my personal issues. They just want me to sing.”

“Well, I care about your problems. So you know you can always talk to me.” Vic smiled at him as they both reached their lockers. 

“I know,” Kellin said. He was blushing a little and wouldn’t look up from his lock. It was so easy to make him flustered, but Vic liked that about him. He was so innocent, even after the things Todd had put him through. Kellin had told him a little bit, but Vic could tell there was more under the surface that he wasn’t ready to discuss just yet. 

They continued to make small talk, even after Jaime appeared to put away his bag in his locker. Vic greeted him briefly, then turned his attention back to Kellin who was discussing the work his band had been trying to accomplish before Todd had messed him up. Vic was reassuring Kellin that his bandmates would understand, even if they didn’t show it, and were probably just impatient to get back to work now that all the troubles with Todd were behind them. He also managed to slip in how he hoped Kellin would let him hear them practice sometime, earning a nervous giggle from Kellin that made Vic blush. 

“Maybe sometime next week you can come,” Kellin said. “We usually practice in the evenings after Gabe has dinner.”

“So around five or six?”

“Usually five-thirty. We play until eight, but most of the time it’s Gabe and Justin arguing over what works and what doesn’t.”

“Maybe if I’m there, it’ll give you someone to talk to while they’re going at it,” Vic said. 

“Well, usually Jack and I just watch them—or we did before Todd started coming to practice. He doesn’t like Jack.”

“Jack?” Vic asked. That was a name he hadn’t heard before.

“He plays guitar; he doesn’t go here.”

“Oh,” Vic said, trying to push back the millions of thoughts in his head. Todd didn’t like Jack… Todd didn’t like much of anyone, but what if he’d seen Jack as competition.

“Don’t worry—he’s straight too,” Kellin added, smirking at Vic in an almost playful way as he closed his locker. 

“Worried? Why would I be worried?”

“You know why,” Kellin said. His expression was strange, a mixture of playful and…seductive. Vic wished they were alone, that there weren’t three hundred other people swirling around them, so he could kiss Kellin on the mouth. His lips looked so soft… Vic could just imagine how it would go. He’d put a hand on Kellin’s neck and pull him close, those pretty blue eyes would slip closed, Vic would lean in and then—

_Bang!_

Vic’s head smacked into his locker, pain exploding between his ears with enough force to make him dizzy. 

“Watch it!—Fuckin’ spic!” It was Todd’s voice, cutting through Vic’s skull like a knife. 

“Hey! Back off! What the hell’s your problem?” Then Jaime.

Vic’s ears were ringing, even as he started to push himself back from his locker.

“Mind your own business. And you—” Todd turned toward Kellin who shrank back against his locker, clutching his books to his chest with a look of pure terror on his face. “—You’d better watch yourself. I’ll see you after school.”

Vic glared at Todd, but couldn’t think of anything to say in his or Kellin’s defense. His head hurt like hell and it was hard to see straight. Kellin was shaking even after Todd stormed off down the hall, petrified with fear even after he was gone.

“Jesus, Vic. Are you alright?” Jaime grabbed Vic’s shoulder and shook him a bit, pulling him out of his haze. “Are you okay?”

“Is he okay?” Tony and then Mike appeared at his side, crowding around him—pushing Kellin out of the way.

“Your face is bleeding!”

“I’m fine,” Vic said, pushing Mike back by his shoulder. Having everyone around him was making him claustrophobic and the only person he wanted to see was Kellin—to make sure Todd hadn’t punched him too. “Kell?”

Kellin turned to look at him, his eyes wide and full of fear. He looked like he was about to cry, but when Vic called to him again, he turned and sprinted down the hallway—actually sprinted—just to get away. 

“I told you not to get involved with him! We all told you!” Jaime was ranting, his face turning red. “Why can’t you just listen? He’s nothing but trouble! Do you believe that now?”

“It wasn’t Kellin’s fault,” Vic said, wincing as his jaw grew stiff. When he cradled his cheek, his fingers landed in hot blood. “Shit! Can somebody get me a tissue or something?” His mother would freak if he came home with his shirt collar stained.

“Let’s go to the nurse’s office,” Jaime said, his voice still thick with anger. “Come on.”

The next thing he knew, he was sitting in the nurse’s office getting his cheek burned with rubbing alcohol and closed up with butterfly bandages. Mike stayed behind until the tardy bell rang, knowing if he didn’t appear soon the school would call their father to see where he’d gone. The nurse gave him a slip and asked him to deliver one to Vic’s first period class as well so they wouldn’t be marked absent. 

“So… Now that we’re alone, do you think you can tell me what happened? All I got from your friends was Kellin, Todd, and sucker punch.”

“Yeah. Todd punched me for talking to Kellin…and called me a spic.”

“He called you a _what?”_ The nurse asked, her face widening in shock.

“A spic,” Vic muttered, running his fingertips over the bandages of his cheek.

“That’s not acceptable. That’s not acceptable at all. I’ll have a talk with the principal about it. He won’t be bothering you again. You can be sure of that.”

“I don’t want to talk to the principal about it,” Vic said, thinking of Kellin and the way he’d looked at him with so much fear. Had he gone to class? Had he run back home?

“I already have Kellin refusing to report what Todd does. I don’t need you doing it as well. The violence is one thing, but the use of racial slurs is another. We can’t have that here.”

“Yeah, but if my dad finds out I got in a fight…” Vic didn’t dare mention what his father would do. 

“I have to report that he assaulted you because of your race. We can’t have that in the school.”

“It wasn’t about me being Mexican. It’s about _Kellin.”_

“I don’t doubt that played a part in it too. I saw the way you were looking at him in here last week.”

“What are you talking about?” Vic asked, pretending her words didn’t terrify him. If she knew, what if she told someone? What if, in her report, she mentioned that Todd started fighting with him over Kellin? He didn’t want to be recovering from a split lip, struggling through a head injury, and then suffering through a beating with his father’s belt. No. That was the very _last_ thing he wanted added to his list of pains. 

Despite his protests, the nurse made him fill out a form and talk with the principal about what had happened. He left out Kellin as best he could, not even wanting to name him as a witness. He didn’t want there to even be a chance of his father believing that this had been a fight over Kellin. Let everyone think it was a random, racially charged attack. He didn’t care so long as Kellin stayed safe and Vic’s father didn’t turn on him.

( ) ( ) ( )

Kellin couldn’t get the images and the noise to stop playing over and over in his head. Vic had been smiling at him—staring at him in this odd, intimate way—and then Todd appeared. He punched Vic so hard his face slammed into his locker door and scraped his cheek open on one of the metal hinges. As soon as Kellin saw the blood, he’d felt like crying.

He never meant for this to happen. He expected Vic to hurt him, not for Vic to be the one getting attacked. For days, Todd had ignored him. Why had that suddenly changed? Because his old, jealous flame sparked up again? 

But if he didn’t want Kellin—if he hated Kellin and wanted nothing to do with him—why would he care if Kellin talked to Vic? Why would he hurt Vic and insult him?

Kellin struggled to make sense of it all as he threw up in the bathroom, gagging in between choked sobs. He couldn’t stand the images burned into his brain—or the cry Vic had let out when his face struck the locker. To see that movie star smile turn to a cry of pain was torture. 

He spent all of first period locked in the bathroom stall until his phone started ringing. It was his mother, wondering why the school had him marked as absent when she’d watched him leave that morning. 

It was hard to explain anything to her when he couldn’t stop crying, but he managed to explain that he’d seen Vic get punched in the hallway. His mother tried so hard to calm him, but no matter how many times she reassured him that Vic would be fine, he couldn’t stop.

Vic was hurt because of him, because he’d let Vic get close to him. But he couldn’t tell his mother that. She wouldn’t understand…

“Do you need me to come take you home?” His mother asked, her tone so heavy though whether it was with pity or disappointment, Kellin couldn’t tell.

“I’ll be fine. I’ll stay. I’m sorry, Mom.”

“You don’t need to be sorry. It’s alright. Just…go to the office next time. We don’t need you getting detention again. Alright?”

“Okay,” Kellin whispered, trying to regain his composure before leaving the bathroom stall. Once his mother was off the phone, he blew his nose and scrubbed at his eyes with toilet tissue to dry them. He checked himself in at the office once he felt his eyes had stopped being so red and blatantly tear-stained, then went to his second period where he kept his head down to avoid the ridicule of his classmates. 

He felt so feeble…so pathetic. He’d seen Todd approaching, but he hadn’t dared to warn Vic. 

He hadn’t thought Vic would be Todd’s target. Now Vic had a scab on his lip from the kickball accident and a gash in his cheek from the locker. His mother would be upset and, from what Kellin could gather about his father, the man would be enraged. He seemed to be a man with little sympathy. If Vic got hurt it was his own fault for getting into trouble.

Because that’s all Kellin was—trouble. 

Vic was absent from Kellin’s gym class, making Kellin nervous that he’d gone home for the day or had been taken to the hospital with a concussion. He wanted to text him or message him, but Vic had previously warned him against it. His dad would get angry if he saw that Vic was texting during school when he was supposed to be learning—even during lunch and study hall. Kellin didn’t want to be trouble, he just wanted to make sure his friend was okay and that Vic didn’t hate him for this.

He was sorry it happened and sorry he hadn’t tried to stop it. Kellin hoped this wasn’t the end for them…

At lunch, Kellin was so relieved to see Vic sitting at the table with his brother and Tony. He had a bandage on his cheek, but otherwise seemed unharmed. Kellin stared at him for a long time, holding his tray and afraid to move. He should go sit with Gabe and act like this morning never happened. 

He should keep to himself and never, ever associate with Vic again—for both of their sakes.

But no matter what advice he gave himself, Kellin was compelled to walk over to Vic’s table and stand there behind Vic’s back until Tony addressed him—making Vic turn around. 

“You need something?” Tony asked, nothing friendly at all in his tone or in his eyes. 

Vic turned, his eyes almost fearful until his gaze rested on Kellin. Then he started to smile.

He _smiled._

“Hey! Did you want to sit with us?” He asked. Kellin looked from Vic to his brother, then back at Tony. Both of them looked irritated that Kellin even dared approach them. “Come on—there’s room. Sit down.”

Kellin ducked his head and did as Vic asked. He’d come here to make sure Vic was alright, but simply noting that and walking away would be rude. He didn’t want to get Vic punched and then abandon him. He needed to make sure he was alright, even if he was incapable of doing anything to help. Even if Mike and Tony hated him, Kellin had to bear with it for Vic. It wasn’t as if the hatred was anything new to him anyway.

“I’m… I’m sorry about this morning,” Kellin said, looking at Vic only long enough to apologize, then he turned his gaze down to his tray. 

“No, don’t worry about it. It’s not your fault Todd’s an asshole,” Vic said, actually patting Kellin on the back as if he were the one deserving of comfort. 

“Yeah, let’s not worry about the fact Dad is going to beat your ass when we get home,” Mike said, glaring at Vic across the table.

“He’s not going to be mad at me. I didn’t even do anything.”

“He’s not going to see it that way. You got in a fight. Remember what happened the _last_ time you got in a fight? You had even less to do with it that time.”

“What—What happened?” Kellin asked, his stomach tightening again. He didn’t like the thought of anyone hurting Vic, but that seemed to be the implication. Vic got in a fight, so his father was going to hit him. _Beat_ him.

“A fight broke out in the hallway at LHS and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“Mike,” Vic said, his tone so harsh Kellin could hardly believe it came from Vic—his smiling, happy-go-lucky friend.

“So when he got home all banged up, our dad—”

“Shut up!”

“—decided he deserved to get whipped for getting into a fight. Even though he didn’t have anything to do with it.” 

“Thanks for that. He really needed to know that,” Vic said, glaring at his brother with the same coldness Todd’s eyes would get when he looked at Kellin in anger.

“Guys, you’ll be fine,” Tony said, putting a hand on Mike’s shoulder and shaking him until he broke his eye contact with Vic. “All you have to do is tell your mom what Todd called you and she’s not going to let anything else happen. Alright? As far as she knows, Todd’s just some racist. Your dad won’t punish you for that. He knows how it is around here. He _has_ to.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Mike said, scowling down at his tray and beginning to eat. 

Kellin felt so guilty and uncomfortable. If he knew it wouldn’t make a scene, he would’ve stood up and gone somewhere else to eat—somewhere he could hide. He and Vic had been talking for most of a week yet he’d never mentioned his father being abusive, just that he was strict and involved. He didn’t know what to say, or if there was anything to say.

It was with a great deal of nervousness that he caved and slowly placed his hand on Vic’s knee under the table. He wanted to offer support and show his empathy, but was afraid Vic’s friends would criticize him for anything he dared to say. Todd’s friends always had.

Vic looked down at Kellin’s hand as soon as he touched him, then looked up at him and offered a sad smile. 

“I’ll be fine. You don’t need to worry,” he said.

Kellin stared at him, too afraid to say anything. He didn’t want Mike to snap at him again or for Tony to start glaring at him. It didn’t matter if Vic liked him or if he was kind. If his friends decided they hated him, it would only be a matter of time before Vic chose their companionship over his—and rightfully so. They knew him better than Kellin ever could and seemed to know the best way to keep him safe from his father. Kellin couldn’t offer that. 

Kellin couldn’t offer anything.

( ) ( ) ( )

Just as Tony predicted, all of the anger in his father’s face disappeared when Vic mentioned Todd calling him a racial slur after punching him. He stopped yelling at Vic about getting himself into trouble and began insulting the school for not keeping him safe. He even made a point to call the school the next day to complain, not at all satisfied with the solution to suspend Todd from classes for two weeks. The boy deserved to be expelled. He’d caused Vic to bleed, he’d attacked him based on his race—what was to stop him from doing it again or taking it further? The school disagreed, but instead of taking his anger out on Vic and Mike the way he typically would, their father just continued to gripe and complain—mostly to himself—for days afterwards. 

Kellin, on the other hand, seemed so torn up about what had happened. He’d spent that entire night texting Vic apologies, not accepting “it’s really no big deal” as a response. He felt so guilty, but Vic couldn’t say a single thing to calm him down. Not through text and not in person. He’d started eating lunch at Vic’s table, but never really said much and didn’t seem comfortable looking at anything other than his tray and Vic’s knee under the table. 

On Thursday, Vic finally had enough of Kellin just staring at his leg and made the first move—gathering the courage to reach over and put his hand on Kellin’s knee. Kellin stiffened and Vic almost pulled his hand back, but after a while the other boy relaxed and—before the lunch period was over—Kellin had set his hand on top of Vic’s. 

His hand was so soft and warm. Vic had to keep his head down to keep his friends from seeing the stupid grin he couldn’t wipe off his face. With Todd suspended, Kellin seemed a little bit calmer than usual. He dressed in tighter clothing and every morning he looked at Vic in this shy, nervous way until Vic complimented him. It was as if he were seeking approval—and maybe he was. Todd had belittled and controlled him for so long, it only seemed natural for him to want Vic’s positive attention. 

Whatever his reasoning, it made Vic excited. If Kellin was trying to dress nice for him—trying to get compliments from him—it meant he liked him. It meant Kellin might actually agree to go out with him some time.

Maybe even sometime soon.

After school on Thursday, when they were all at their lockers putting away their books, Jaime asked offhand if Vic thought his dad would let him come to the football game. Tony would be going and students could get in at a discounted price if they showed their student IDs. 

“He might,” Vic said, thinking already of how he would word it when he asked his mother. Jaime would be there… Tony would, too. It would be the first time he went to a school sports game—his mother would be excited that he was enjoying his new school, wouldn’t she? But his dad…he’d be mad that Vic wasn’t at the restaurant to work his shift.

Though he could always volunteer to work a double on Saturday or Sunday. 

“I’ll ask my mom,” Vic said before turning to Kellin who was focusing intently on reorganizing his textbooks. He always acted as if he were invisible whenever Vic talked to Jaime or anyone else. He seemed so fearful of calling attention to himself, but it made sense considering how Todd must’ve treated him. “Do you think you’d want to go?” Vic asked, not sure why the question made Kellin’s face turn pale. 

“Go where? Th-The… The game?” Kellin stammered, swaying a little on his feet. He looked as if he were about to faint. Even Jaime noticed it.

“Are you okay, man? Do you need to sit down?” Jaime asked.

“I’m… I’m fine,” Kellin said, turning away from them and pushing his locker closed before leaning against it.

“Do you want me to get you a water?” Vic asked, putting a hand on Kellin’s shoulder. 

Kellin’s only response was to squeeze his eyes shut and press himself against the locker more firmly. 

“Kellin?” Vic started rubbing Kellin’s back, trying to soothe him—trying to figure out what he’d said that scared him so much. 

“Are you okay?” Jaime asked, coming to Kellin’s other side and putting a hand on his shoulder. 

Vic knew that Jaime and Tony had an aversion to Kellin, that they were almost afraid of him because of his connection to Todd, so it meant a lot for Vic to see Jaime trying to comfort him.

“Do you need to sit down?” Vic asked, feeling Kellin’s body start shaking beneath his hand. 

“Hey, is everything alright?” Mike asked, coming over as well when he saw the commotion. 

“I don’t know what happened,” Jaime answered.

“I’m fine,” Kellin said, his voice strained and trembling. He pulled himself away from his locker and shook Vic and Jaime’s hands off of him almost aggressively. As soon as Jaime backed off, Kellin bolted away from them. 

“What happened?” Mike asked, watching as Kellin disappeared into the bathroom.

“Vic asked if he was going to the football game,” Jaime said. 

“He was crying,” Mike noted, looking at Vic with a disappointed expression. Vic already knew what he was thinking.

Kellin was a mess. Was Vic really so desperate for a boyfriend that he wanted to date some guy who cried when he was asked out?

“Maybe—Maybe he’s not feeling well,” Vic said, putting his defenses up when Tony came over to join in as well. He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want his brother and his best friends to start telling him all the reasons why he needed to stay away from Kellin. 

Sure, he was a depressed and unpredictable and painfully on edge twenty-four seven. So what? Vic was a nervous wreck on the inside, too. He just didn’t let people see it. Mike knew that. 

“I don’t get it—all you asked was if he wanted to go to the game,” Jaime muttered, shaking his head in a disapproval. 

“I think Todd beat him up at the last home game,” Tony said. “I saw them come in together, but Kellin left alone.”

“Was that the weekend before we transferred in?” Vic asked. 

“I think so. Maybe he’s scared Todd will be there or something.”

“Todd’s suspended. He can’t go to any school functions,” Vic said.

“Well if you want to find out what his problem is, you need to just do it,” Mike snapped. “We’ve got to go home.”

“Yeah, if you’re trying to get with him, now’s your chance,” Jaime said, shrugging and stepping back over to his own locker. 

“Go be a hero,” Tony added. He was grinning at Vic like a Cheshire cat, as if he already knew how this whole endeavor would turn out.

Vic hesitated only a moment before hurrying toward the bathroom where Kellin had gone. As soon as he entered, he heard the sounds of Kellin sobbing and gagging. The simple question had upset him so much it made him physically ill, but if he’d sustained all the injuries Vic noticed his first day in school at the game, he had a reason to be traumatized. 

“Kellin? It’s just me…” Vic leaned down to detect which stall Kellin was in, and spotted his beat-up sneakers in the second one from the end. “Can… Can we talk?”

“I’m fine,” Kellin said in between heavy breaths. He started gagging again, then his knees hit the tile floor and he vomited into the toilet bowl. 

“Kell…” Vic stepped over to the stall door and tried to push it open even though he knew it was locked. Kellin was still retching on the other side and crying whenever he could catch his breath. Vic had never seen someone so upset and the thought that he was somehow responsible felt like a punch in the gut. “Can you let me in? It’s just me.”

Kellin threw up again before he flushed the toilet. Then the metal latch on the door rattled and the door fell open, banging into Kellin’s shoulder where he sat on the floor. His entire face was red and streaked with tears—those pretty blue eyes holding so much pain and fear that, for once, Vic could barely look at them. 

“Are you alright? Did I say something?” Vic asked, looking down at the floor while Kellin wiped his mouth on a piece of toilet paper. 

“I’m fine,” Kellin said, sniffling as he threw the piece of tissue into the toilet. His whole body was shaking, his lower lip quivering as he fought back more tears. 

“You really don’t look fine,” Vic said.

“No, I am. This…This happens to me sometimes. I just get…sick.”

Vic didn’t know what to say to him. They could talk for hours through text, but in person Kellin was too anxious to reveal anything personal. He was afraid to speak up—speak out—and Vic didn’t know how to help. He _wanted_ to; more than anything, he wanted to be the one to help Kellin recover so they could get closer, but he didn’t even know where to start. 

“Was it something I said?” Vic asked.

“No… It’s really nothing. I’ll be fine.” The fact that he still hadn’t gotten up from the floor said otherwise.

“Do you want me to go?” Vic asked. He didn’t want to leave, but if all he did was make Kellin uncomfortable there was nothing more he could do. 

“No,” Kellin said, his voice so quiet. Meek. He was staring at the floor, slowly ceasing to shake. He stayed there in silence for several minutes before looking up at Vic, tears still in his eyes. “Vic?”

“Yeah?” 

“Why are you being nice to me?”

“Why am I nice to you?” Vic asked, taken aback by the question. He was nice to everybody, but he thought it was obvious he showed Kellin more affection because he liked him—really liked him.

“Yeah…What is it you want from me?”

“I don’t want anything from you,” Vic said, scrunching his brow in confusion. “I mean, I like you. I…I like you a lot, but I don’t _want_ anything from you.”

“You want me to go to the football game,” Kellin said.

“I want to spend time with you, that’s all. I _like_ you. If I want anything, it’s your time.”

Kellin stared at him like he didn’t believe a single word. 

“If you don’t like me, you can say so. I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want.”

“I do like you,” Kellin said, starting to look ashamed. “But Todd just dumped me and he beat you up. I don’t want people to see us together and tell him. I don’t want something bad to happen to you because of me.”

“Nothing bad is going to happen to me,” Vic said. He slowly slid down to sit on the floor next to Kellin, trying to get Kellin to meet his gaze. “We don’t have to start dating or anything. We can just go as friends. I know you just got out of a relationship.”

“Todd… Todd beat me up at the last game for looking at Tony,” Kellin said before sniffing loudly. “I _wasn’t_ looking at Tony, but he thought I was. He made me go with him under the bleachers and started hitting me. I almost passed out; I-I… I didn’t think he’d ever stop.”

He’d mentioned that night before briefly over text, but he’d never implied how severely Todd had hurt him. The thought of that guy cornering Kellin and beating him until he almost fell unconscious was enough to make Vic’s blood boil—but he had to keep the emotion off his face to avoid making Kellin nervous. 

“I really didn’t think he’d stop,” Kellin repeated, sniffing back more tears. 

Vic grabbed a piece of toilet paper and slid it into Kellin’s hand so he could wipe his cheeks and blow his nose. 

“That had to be terrifying,” Vic said, keeping his voice gentle as he watched Kellin’s face.

Kellin just nodded wiped his nose, holding his head lower as if he were ashamed.

“If you don’t want to go to the game, that’s okay. I wouldn’t blame you after everything that happened. It’s probably nice for you to stay at home and not be bothered.”

“It’s lonely,” Kellin said. “I have Justin and Gabe, but… They don’t talk to me like you do.”

Vic didn’t know what to say to him. He couldn’t offer to hang out with Kellin at his home one-on-one. His father wouldn’t allow it. Not this soon. His only hope was to go to the football game together under the guise of spending time with Tony and Jaime, but Kellin was far too traumatized for that. 

“Maybe I can get my dad to let me go to the skate park sometime soon. We could meet up there and just hang out if you want.”

Kellin looked up at him again, seeming a little hopeful. 

“Mike and the others would be there too, but they won’t bother us or anything.”

Kellin didn’t say anything, but shifted around on the floor a little bit. He’d finally stopped shaking and was calming down, his breaths becoming more even as the tears dried on his cheeks. 

“Do you want me to go to the football game?” Kellin asked.

“I don’t want you to be uncomfortable just for my sake. We can hang out some other time, somewhere you’re not nervous about. Okay?” Vic flashed him a smile but Kellin didn’t reciprocate.

“Do you think you’ll go?”

“If my dad lets me. It would be fun for me to get out for a while. He never lets us go out much.” He didn’t want to come off like he was trying to guilt Kellin into going, but he wasn’t going to lie either. He’d go to the game if Kellin went or not, but it’d certainly be a better time with Kellin at his side. 

“I… I might come,” Kellin said before getting to his feet. Vic copied suit and backed up as Kellin opened the stall door. 

“You don’t have to. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

Kellin started washing his hands at the sink, then started rinsing out his mouth and splashing his face with the water. 

“I can’t be afraid of everything,” Kellin said, looking at Vic through the splotchy bathroom mirror. 

“You don’t need to be afraid of me. I know I’m from LHS and I know… I know I’m not white, but I’m not dangerous.”

The look Kellin got in his eyes as soon as Vic mentioned race was striking. He almost looked _irritated,_ which left Vic confused. That seemed to be all the people at this school fixated on—his last high school and the color of his skin. 

“You think I don’t want to go because you’re Mexican?” Kellin asked, turning to face him directly.

“No,” Vic said, looking down to avoid the accusation in Kellin’s gaze. “I know why you don’t want to go, but a lot of people around here don’t trust me because I’m from LHS.”

“If I thought you were dangerous, I wouldn’t talk to you. Why do you think I care that you’re from LHS?” 

“Because LHS sucks and the people who come from there are trash,” Vic said. That seemed to be the consensus among the students at this school anyway.

“Well I don’t think you’re trash,” Kellin said, drying his hands on the legs of his jeans. 

“I know,” Vic said, even though it filled him with a bit of relief just to hear Kellin say so. They were quiet for a moment, Kellin still just staring at him until Vic became so uncomfortable he had to break the silence. “I noticed you walk to school… Do you want a ride home?”

“Are you sure?” Kellin asked, his eyes getting wide again. “Won’t your dad get upset?”

“No—Not all. He doesn’t even have to know,” Vic said, lying through his teeth. The fact of the matter was, he was already going to be late home—what difference would another ten or fifteen minutes make?

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Come on,” Vic said, smiling before starting toward the doorway. Kellin followed him, staying no more than a couple paces behind him. Mike, Tony, and Jaime were all still standing by the lockers in the now deserted hallway—Mike holding his cell phone to his ear. 

“No, here he comes. Here he comes,” Mike was saying. “Yeah, they’re both fine. We’ll be home soon. Alright. Alright!—Alright… Love you too.” When Mike finally ended the call he looked so frustrated, and that expression only grew darker when Vic said they were driving Kellin home.


	7. Chapter 7

The only reason Vic hadn’t gotten grounded or hit with the belt—or a combination of both—was due entirely to Mike. He’d had the forethought to call their mother to tell her they’d be late home because Vic was comforting a girl (a nice, _pretty_ girl) who had gotten dumped by her boyfriend. Fortunately, after they dropped Kellin off at his rather nice, two-story home in one of their city’s better neighborhoods, Mike let Vic in on the story. 

Vic had witnessed this pretty, well-dressed girl named _Kelly_ crying after school and had been unable to resist going to comfort her. They had classes together, Mike had told their mother, and she accepted Vic’s comforting presence. 

So any trouble they might have gotten into after coming home over forty-five minutes late was lost when their mother started her questioning and praising. Vic was _so good_ to have comforted the poor girl, but had he gotten her phone number? Did he know if her parents were still married or if she came from a stable home? 

Vic was torn between telling her real details (details about _Kellin_ ) and making up a story about this fictitious girl. If he ever started dating Kellin, it would be easier to keep his stories straight if he pretended the boy was actually a girl—even if he could never show her photo or introduce her to his family. 

At dinner, however, Vic broke down and fully committed to the lie that Mike had set up for him. 

“So… Kelly said she’s going to the football game on Friday night,” Vic said. Mike’s eyes went wide, but he didn’t dare speak up. “Tony and Jaime are going, too.”

“I assume that means you expect you should be allowed to go,” their father said, rather coldly. 

“It starts at seven. I could have my chores and everything done before I went.”

“Who’s going to work your shift at the restaurant? If you’re wanting to go somewhere, I need more than a day’s notice.”

Vic frowned and stared down at his plate. Of course… The restaurant. He wasn’t even officially on the payroll or scheduled, but he had to go anyway. He was expected. They’d be short-staffed if he and Mike didn’t go.

“I don’t really want to go to the game,” Mike said, looking so self-conscious as he spoke. He knew he was inviting rage if he pushed their father too far. “I could cover his section.”

“And have you drop twice as many dishes as you already do? I don’t think so.”

“Oh, let them go to the game,” their mother chimed in. “I’ll help waitress and we can call in Sophia. You know she needs the hours. Let the boys have some fun.” Her husband scowled at her a moment, then shrugged and caved. He knew better than to argue with his wife. She always, _always_ won.

“Fine. But don’t make a habit of it. If you want time off, give me notice.”

“I expect to see a picture of this girl, too,” their mother added.

Vic and Mike shared a look, but the seriousness of the situation failed to really sink in. Vic was too caught up in his elation. He was going to be able to go out—leave the house, leave the restaurant, for at least three hours. His dad wouldn’t be able to spy on him in such a crowded place, and he’d get to see Kellin if he still chose to come. Even if he didn’t come, Vic would still get to spend time with Jaime and Tony without looking over his shoulder for his father. 

“If you go and get punched again, that’s it. Do I make myself clear? I don’t need you getting into trouble,” their father said. 

“I’m just going to watch the game,” Vic said, trying hard to keep his voice from sounding argumentative or stern. It wasn’t too late for his father to change his mind and revoke the privilege. 

“And keep your hands off that girl. The last thing we need is you knocking up somebody’s daughter,” his father said.

“She just got dumped. I’m sure that’s the last thing she wants,” Vic said.

“Oh, you’d be surprised,” their mother said, starting to get an all-knowing look on her face. “If she makes a move, you’d better cut things off right away. You need a _nice_ girl.”

“Not a whore.”

“Right,” Vic said, not daring to argue. It didn’t matter, he thought. Kellin wasn’t going to try to get sex from him. Kellin hardly even wanted Vic to touch him. And even if something did happen, Kellin wasn’t going to get “knocked up” from it. 

By the end of the night, Vic had himself convinced that nothing could possibly go wrong. Unless someone called his father and told him he saw Vic kissing another boy under the bleachers at the game, his parents would never have to find out. 

Ever.

( ) ( ) ( )

Kellin felt the chill all the way down to his bones as he waited for Vic and his friends by the front gates at the football field. He didn’t want to be here, but Vic sounded so excited every time they texted each other about the game. Vic really wanted to see him and Kellin knew it was a rare opportunity to spend time with him alone… Even though being alone together wasn’t exactly safe. 

Vic seemed nice though, and his friends never caused any problems at school either. Since Vic had started talking to him, even Jaime became kind to Kellin. Tony was still standoffish, but Kellin couldn’t blame him. If he really believed Todd was attracted to him, he had a reason to be wary of Kellin. Wherever Kellin went, Todd followed and he brought nothing but trouble with him. 

“Kellin!”

Hearing his name, Kellin stiffened and looked up from the pavement he’d been staring at absently. Vic was waving to him from the end of the long line leading into the game. Kellin pulled himself up from the fence he’d been leaning against and walked toward Vic with his head own out of habit. 

“You made it,” Vic said. Kellin could tell without even looking up that Vic was grinning at him. Kellin wanted to lift his head, but the instinct to make himself invisible won out over his desire to see Vic’s smile. He didn’t want any extra attention. “Tony and Jaime are already inside. Did you get your ticket already?”

“Yeah. I just…thought I’d wait for you. Make sure you… I don’t know.” Kellin stopped talking, not sure what point he was trying to make. He meant to say he didn’t want to go in alone, afraid Todd’s friends would find him and beat him, but it came out as an accusation—implying he had no faith that Vic would actually show up. 

“I’m excited,” Vic said.

“I know—that’s all you’ve said since we left the house,” Mike said, looking around as he line moved forward. 

“We never get to go out. I’m having fun.” Vic was practically bouncing up and down, but his positive energy did nothing for Kellin who was shaking from more than just the chill. 

When they got inside the fence, Vic called Jaime to find out where they were sitting and Kellin trailed behind him and Mike as they found their seats. He sat on the row of bleachers beneath Vic’s, sitting at his feet in hopes that the people who might see him wouldn’t assume they were together. 

The plan backfired though when Vic kept leaning forward and touching his shoulders—grabbing them, rubbing them, patting them even. Vic seemed to be doing whatever he could to be closer to Kellin, yet all Kellin could do was stare out at the field. He felt wrong being here, but he didn’t want Vic to pick up on it and have it ruin his good time. 

As the seats filled in around them, Vic ended up sitting on the same row as Kellin.

“I’m happy you made it tonight. I was really worried you weren’t going to come,” Vic said, putting a hand on Kellin’s knee. 

Kellin stiffened, but no one around them seemed to notice the touch. Not even Mike who was sitting directly behind them now. 

“I brought a little extra money in case you wanted to get something to eat for halftime,” Vic said. Kellin finally dared to look over at him and felt weak in the presence of his smile. Kellin hated the way a simple grin could make him so trusting. Didn’t he know how dangerous Vic could be?—Not because he was Hispanic or because he’d transferred from LHS, but because was a guy. So what if he wasn’t as tall as Todd? That didn’t mean he couldn’t be threatening. It didn’t mean he couldn’t push Kellin into the mud under the bleachers and violate him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah—I’m sorry. I was just thinking about something. What did you say?” Kellin asked, nervously looking down at Vic’s hand on his knee.

“I said I brought extra money so I could get you something to eat at halftime,” Vic repeated. 

“You don’t have to buy anything for me. Mom gave me money.”

“Yeah, but I want to buy you something.”

“Like a date?” Kellin asked, looking at him nervously. He understood that Vic liked him, he understood that Vic didn’t get out much and wanted to make the most of it, but he’d just been dumped two weeks ago. He wasn’t even sure he _liked_ this attention enough to want Vic spending money on him too.

“I don’t know,” Vic said, pulling his hand back from Kellin’s knee. “I guess not.” 

Kellin looked at him remorsefully a moment, then turned his attention back to the field. Vic started talking to Jaime and Kellin slipped into his normal routine of pretending to be invisible. He hugged his knees to the chest and let his eyes close as the noise of the game swirled around him. Fans yelling, cheering, the announcer speaking over the PA system, coaches yelling…

He hated it here. The cheers reminded him of how low he’d felt underneath Todd. There he was, crying and pleading for help while countless people cheered above him and hollered in elation. 

Why had he agreed to come here? He was just ruining Vic’s night.

“Hey—is everything okay?” 

Kellin stiffened when he felt an arm wrap around his shoulders. He snapped out of his thoughts and leaned away, bumping into the person to his right who glared at him. The anger in the middle-aged man’s face caused Kellin to shrink back against Vic who held him protectively—both his arms winding around Kellin’s torso.

“Kellin? What’s the matter?”

“Nothing. Nothing—I’m sorry,” Kellin said, pulling away. Vic let him go without a fight, but was watching him with worry. 

“It’s alright. You’re really pale again. Do you want a drink?” Vic was taking his wallet out and looked up at Mike. “Do you want something? I’m going to head over to the concession stand.”

“You’re buying?” Mike asked.

“Hell, if he’s buying I want three hotdogs and a bottle of Coke,” Jaime said, laughing. 

“And get me a pizza burger,” Tony added on.

“I’ll buy for Mike but you guys are on your own,” Vic said with a laugh, showing all his teeth. 

Mike told him what he wanted from the stand, then Vic got up from his seat.

“You sure you don’t want anything, Kell?” Vic asked.

“I-I’ll come with you,” Kellin said, standing up as well. He didn’t want left alone with Vic’s brother and his friends. They’d start asking him all the difficult questions—about Todd, about him and Vic. 

“Okay,” Vic said, putting a hand on Kellin’s shoulder to help steady him as they made their way down the bleachers. “Watch your step.” 

Kellin felt himself start smiling despite his reservations when Vic showed so much concern about him losing his footing on the last step. 

“I know you’re vegetarian, but Tony said they have cheese pizza at the stand if you’re hungry,” Vic said.

“I’m okay,” Kellin said, daring to walk a little closer to Vic’s side. Being close to him didn’t feel as frightening when they were out in the open—where he wasn’t cornered between Vic and his friends. 

“You sure? I really want to buy you something. What about a hot chocolate?—Coffee?”

“I’m fine. Really,” Kellin said, looking up at the menu board once they reached the concession stand. Vic ordered two hot dogs for Mike, a bottle of soda for himself, and then a hot chocolate which he handed to Kellin with a smile.

“If you get hungry, let me know,” Vic said as they started their walk back toward the bleachers. 

“Vic?”

“Hm?”

“Do you think…we could just walk around for a while? After you give Mike his hotdogs?”

“Sure—Yeah, definitely,” Vic said, smiling. 

Kellin waited at the edge of the bleachers for Vic to come back, looking around constantly to see if any of Todd’s friends were near and watching him. The insecurity gnawed away at him until Vic returned and put an arm around him. 

“You look like you’re cold. You keep shaking,” Vic said as they started to walk slowly away from the bleachers. Kellin wanted to shrug his arm away, but couldn’t bring himself to do it. Todd would have struck him for it and though he knew Vic wouldn’t do the same, he felt it was easier to let Vic do what he wanted without argument. 

“Can we talk?” Kellin asked. Vic grimaced and his arm immediately fell from around Kellin’s shoulders. He opened his bottle of soda and took a drink, seemingly trying to hide his discomfort. “It’s not anything bad—I just meant…get to know each other without the others.” 

“Oh. Okay then… So…” Vic looked so uncomfortable and Kellin was sorry he even spoke. Vic wanted to watch the game, not wander around the fenced-in field making awkward conversation.

“We should probably go back,” Kellin said, turning to look over his shoulder at the bleachers. 

“Why? You said you wanted to talk.”

“I don’t want you mad at me,” Kellin said, starting back toward the bleachers.

“Kellin—wait. What’s the matter?”

“You wanted to watch the game. Let’s just watch the game.”

“I came here to get away from my dad and to be with you,” Vic said, walking at Kellin’s side. 

“But why do you want to be with me? That’s what I don’t get. I-I can’t even go out without having a panic attack. You don’t want to be around me. What are you doing?—What do you want from me?”

“I don’t want anything from you. I told you that yesterday. I just want to hang out—get to know you. Spend time with you.”

“But you _like_ me,” Kellin said, looking down with guilt at his cup of hot chocolate. Why did he always have to complicate things? Didn’t he know he was just going to make Vic mad?

“Yeah, so? If you’re not interested, you can tell me. I’ll leave you alone.”

“It’s not that I’m not interested… I mean, you’re…you’re nice and I think you’re really cute.”

“But?” Vic said, looking away.

“But…?” Kellin asked, pausing when they got near the bleachers again. 

“Isn’t that usually how you follow that up? ‘I like you but you’re not my type,’ ‘I like you but…you dress poorly,’ ‘I like you but my mom wouldn’t approve.’ I’ve heard it all.”

Kellin didn’t know what to say. They were standing by the bleachers and just being near to the area where he’d been violated was triggering his anxiety. He took a cautious sip of his hot chocolate and stared at Vic. He couldn’t think of a single thing to say…

“We should probably go sit down,” Vic said when Kellin didn’t respond.

“Vic, I—I do like you. I… I _am_ interested,” he confessed, looking down at the pavement. Maybe he should tell Vic what happened. Maybe then he’d understand why it was so hard to just say yes and fling himself into another relationship. But what if he did and Vic rejected him? He’d know right away that he couldn’t get sex and he’d stop this whole thing before it even started.

Maybe that was a good thing… Maybe Kellin should just let him go before he got himself hurt.

“Can we not stand here?” Kellin said, looking back over his shoulder at the dark space beneath the long bleachers. 

“What?—Oh! Yeah. Let’s—let’s just walk. Come on.” They started back toward the concession stand, then passed it and started walking toward the bathrooms. 

“I really do like you,” Kellin said.

“I know you just stopped seeing Todd so I won’t push for us to be official or anything. I just need to know if it’s worth the effort to…to try to make it official someday. Not right now, but…eventually. You know?”

“I-I guess. I do like you,” Kellin said. He felt as if someone were strangling him. There was so much he needed to say before he could even let Vic consider wasting time on him. He was broken, he was damaged goods. Vic wasn’t going to believe that Todd had the audacity to rape him under the bleachers during a football game, and he wouldn’t even consider what happened to Kellin in the car or his bedroom to be rape either. To Vic, Kellin would have no reason to say no to him except that he was a prude—not worth his time. Not worth his _effort._

“You seem really upset. Kellin, is everything okay?”

“It’s—It’s Todd,” Kellin confessed. “He hit you just for talking to me. I don’t him to beat you up.”

“If he attacks me again, we’ll get him expelled. You can’t… You shouldn’t live your life in fear of him. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

That was easy for Vic to say, Kellin thought. 

“We’ll keep you safe from him,” Vic said, putting a hand on Kellin’s shoulder as they came to a stop by the fence. “If I see him coming in the hallway, I’ll stand in the way.”

“But if you get beat up, your dad punishes you for it,” Kellin said.

“Not now that he thinks Todd’s just some racist. I’m not looking for trouble just by being Mexican. He knows how it is.” And there it was again, Vic’s unending optimism. 

“Does he really hit you guys?” Kellin asked, letting his curiosity and concerns take over the conversation. 

“Not so much anymore. He’s really just strict—old fashioned, you know? I haven’t gotten hit since I was fifteen. That was two years ago.”

“Tony makes it seem like it happens a lot,” Kellin muttered. 

“It doesn’t,” Vic said, reaching up to touch Kellin’s cheek. 

“Why are you smiling at me like that?” Kellin asked, flinching away from Vic’s fingertips. 

“I don’t know, it’s just…you’re worried about me. I like it.”

“I don’t want you to get hurt because of me,” Kellin said. 

It just made Vic smile even more—because Kellin was worrying about him. That was all it took to make him smile. Todd had never been that easy. 

“Th-the thing under the bleachers…that wasn’t the first time he hit me,” Kellin said, leaning against the fence. 

“Jaime and Tony told me a bit about you guys,” Vic said. “They said he pushed you down in the hall before.”

“He smacked me a lot… He’s the one who made everybody post all those insults on my Facebook.”

“He was a shitty boyfriend, Kellin. Even if you don’t ever feel comfortable with me, you still deserve better than him.” 

“I’m glad you think so,” Kellin said, looking down shyly. 

“You really do, Kellin. No one deserves to be treated like that.”

Kellin took a few more sips from his hot chocolate and looked over toward the football field, watching the players chase after the ball. He heard the crowd start cheering again and it sent a shiver down his spine. 

He hated that sound.

( ) ( ) ( )

_I have to tell you something._

Vic stared at the text as he dried his hair with a towel. He’d gotten home from the game and managed to explain away not having a photo to show of “Kelly,” and Kellin had texted him while he was in the shower. 

“Is everything OK??” Vic texted back.

About ten minutes later Kellin texted him again.

_It’s about Todd._

“Ok.” Vic sat down on his bed and stared at the screen. Kellin had acted so strangely at the game. One minute he would be close, let Vic close enough to touch him, and then he’d pull away and start shaking. Then he’d drink his hot chocolate and let Vic put an arm around him—then he’d back off again. 

They’d gone back to the bleachers after halftime and Kellin had actually rested his head on Vic’s shoulder for a minute. It didn’t last long, but Vic savored every second.

_I don’t want you to get the wrong idea._

“What do you mean? Did something happen??”

_Can I call you?_

Vic sighed and looked around his room, as if he’d see his father supervising him.

“My dad would overhear. What’s the matter?”

Kellin took fifteen minutes to answer, leaving Vic on edge as he dressed in pajamas and climbed into bed. 

_Todd raped me._

Vic felt the words like a punch in the gut. Raped? He knew Todd was a sleaze, but to stoop that low—to do something that awful to someone as sweet as _Kellin_ —it was sickening. 

“When?? Are you OK?” Vic asked, sitting up in bed. 

_It happened at the game I told you about._

“The one where he beat you up?”

_Yes._

He’d gotten raped during the football game… Todd had dragged him under the bleachers, hit him, and _raped_ him. No wonder Kellin kept shaking, no wonder he got anxious whenever their aimless pacing back and forth led to the beams of the bleachers. No wonder he’d gone pale and started throwing up when Vic mentioned going to the game. He was _terrified_ of that place, yet he’d still gone when Vic had pressured him.

“Did you tell anyone?? Your mom???”

_No. Please don’t tell her. I don’t want her involved. I only told you because I can tell you think I don’t like you but I do. I’m just not ready._

“That’s completely OK. I understand. I’m glad you told me and I won’t tell anyone but you should tell your mom. Todd can’t get away with this.”

Vic felt like he was about to throw up—or start crying. He’d kept trying to touch Kellin the whole time they were at the game, unaware that he was probably triggering him. He never meant to hurt him or push him. He’d just gotten so excited at the chance to be alone together and he loved getting close.

_No one would believe me._

“I believe you,” Vic said. He didn’t know where to go from here. Kellin had confided in him, but the weight of that secret was just _so much._ If Todd was cruel enough, _strong_ enough, to pin Kellin down and violate him in a public place, what else was he capable of? He’d already punched Vic in his face at his locker, not seeming to care at all about the consequences—all because he’d talked to Kellin.

Todd may have dumped him, but it was clear he still saw Kellin as his property. Continuing to see him would be dangerous…but Vic couldn’t leave him now. He needed help. He needed someone to love him without hurting him. Kellin wasn’t someone Vic could just grab and kiss better. It would take work and _time,_ but he had nothing else to occupy his mind. 

_Can you please please call me?_ Kellin texted him. Vic imagined he was probably having another panic attack like he had on Thursday in the school bathroom. His father would be upset, but Vic couldn’t stand the thought of leaving Kellin hurting. 

“Okay. Just a second.”

Vic sighed and backed out of their messages. He guessed it was time he committed to the lie he’d been telling at the dinner table. After changing Kellin’s name in his phone to Kelley (followed by a heart emoji), Vic pressed call and waited to hear Kellin’s voice. 

“Vic?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” Vic whispered, looking at his bedroom door and straining to hear if one of his parents got up. All could really listen to, though, were the sounds of Kellin’s soft crying on the other side of the phone. He was a total mess, but Vic had expected nothing less. 

“I’m sorry to keep you up, I-I just needed to hear your voice.”

“It’s okay. Are you alright?” It was a stupid question, but Vic didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t want to ask for details or try to convince Kellin to tell his mom or a teacher. He’d tell when he was ready—or when he finally felt safe and out of Todd’s reach. 

“I will be. I wanted to hear your voice,” Kellin repeated, struggling to keep his breathing even. He was trying to calm himself down and that was a good sign. Whenever Vic spoke, Kellin seemed to get quieter and quieter. 

They didn’t talk about what Kellin had said. They didn’t discuss the game or school or Todd. Vic just had to talk—about anything that came to mind—because that was what managed to get Kellin distracted and take his mind off the nightmare he’d been reliving. 

“Maybe we’ll come to your restaurant tomorrow,” Kellin said after about thirty minutes of Vic’s quiet chatter. 

“Yeah?”

“I want to try the taco salad. Is it good?”

“It’s really good. I’ll make sure they don’t put the meat in yours—and maybe get some extra cheese for you. That’s the best part.”

“And more of the fried ice cream. That was good. I really liked it.” Kellin yawned and let out a sleepy little groan. Vic could hear the rustling of blankets as Kellin shifted around in his bed. It put him at ease to know that Kellin was safe in bed, someplace warm where he was alone and protected. Somewhere Todd couldn’t get him.

“Should I let you get some sleep?” Vic asked, laying himself back down in his blankets. 

“Okay. I did have a good time with you tonight,” Kellin said, sniffing quietly.

“I did too. Get some sleep, okay? I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Night,” Kellin said.

“Goodnight,” Vic said, hanging up the call and slowly lowering the phone from his ear. He listened for sounds down the hall or outside his door, but there were none. 

He managed to sleep, believing he’d gotten away with the call.


	8. Chapter 8

Vic’s heart leapt into his throat when he stepped out of the bathroom after his shower the next morning. He froze in place though his legs started shaking, threatening to drop him to the floor given the slightest sound—his eyes fixed on the leather belt draped over his bedroom doorknob. He couldn’t even take a breath, his throat so tight it felt as if he weren’t being choked by someone’s tight grip. 

His father had let him sleep through the night, let him imagine that he’d gotten away with breaking one of the house rules, only to spring the punishment on him in the morning. Vic felt like he might actually be sick just staring at the leather strap. The helplessness that flooded him nearly brought him to tears—instinct told him to hide, to run and try to avoid it, but there was absolutely nothing he could do. He couldn’t lock himself in the bathroom for the rest of the day and he knew he couldn’t even attempt to talk his way out of it. 

Over a year… He’d managed to avoid getting struck for over a year! 

Vic finally managed to take in a shaky breath, but it took nearly all of his willpower to step out of the bathroom doorway. He slowly turned his bedroom doorknob, trembling as his knuckles brushed against the belt which hung there. If he took too long to get dressed and go downstairs, he knew he would get into more trouble—yet it was still so hard to pull on a t-shirt and jeans. 

Even after he was dressed, it took a moment for him to gain enough composure to leave his room and start down the stairs. Humiliation tore through him as he stepped into the kitchen. Mike kept his head down, staring at his plate of breakfast—pretending he didn’t even know Vic was in the room—but their parents both turned to look at him. His mother stared at him in silence, a look of pure disappointment and exhaustion on her face, but his father immediately laid into him.

“Have a good talk last night?” He asked, crossing his arms over his chest, fixing Vic with one of his sternest glares. He acted as though Vic had snuck out or crashed the car. All he’d done was stay up later than he was supposed to talking with a friend… Was that really so terrible? 

Vic couldn’t speak to answer him. His throat was too tight and he was so overwhelmed with fear that he couldn’t even form coherent thoughts let alone full sentences. His mind was torn between coming up with excuses to get him out of trouble and reliving the pains of his last beatings while trying to talk himself up. Surely he wouldn’t hit _too hard,_ right? It was just a phone call. He hadn’t failed a test or talked back to a teacher—he’d just stayed up too late. He wouldn’t hit as hard as he had for the “getting into a fight” mishap, right? 

“Have I not told you to stay off the phone when you’re supposed to be in bed? Have I not _told you that!?”_ His father shouted when Vic failed to answer him.

“Yes,” Vic said, his voice cracking with fear. He glanced at his mother, praying she would come to his defense—praying she would say something about how it was normal for him to want to talk to his ‘girlfriend’ whenever he could—but she said nothing.

“Don’t look at her—she’s not going to help you. Did you not know better? Did you think I wouldn’t hear you talking?—You think I’m deaf?”

“No,” Vic whispered, only to be commanded to repeat himself more loudly. 

“I hope that call was worth it because as of right now, you don’t have a phone anymore. You can get it back when you learn to show some respect.” On and on he went with his lecture. Did Vic not appreciate how much work his parents did to afford that phone? Did he not understand that his parents needed rest so they wouldn’t be tired at work—at the jobs they both held in order for them to afford that phone and their house? “I’ve been going easy on you lately, have I not?” 

“Yes,” Vic mumbled, knowing that his streak of luck was over. He was getting beaten today and probably again tomorrow for even the smallest infraction. His father believed him to be disrespectful and ungrateful—in need of being put back into his place. The punishments would only stop after Vic fell completely into submission, until he felt the need to ask permission to do anything and wouldn’t dare to even _think_ about breaking a rule. 

“You can forget about breakfast. Now go to your room. I’ll be up there in a minute.” His expression was blank—no signs of a ‘this hurts me more than it hurts you’ courtesy, just indifference.

Vic looked over at his mother again before backing out of the doorway. She wouldn’t even look at him. She was just as uncaring as his father. 

“I hope that call was worth it,” his father called after him as Vic started up the stairs. 

Vic was blinking back tears before he even heard his father on the stairs. He quickly set his phone on his desk where his father could easily see it—to avoid an accusation that he was trying to hide it—and then waited. He kept his back to the doorway, trying to swallow down the lump in his throat as he listened to the steps come closer and closer. He squeezed his eyes shut when he heard the metal of the belt clang as it was pulled away from the doorknob.

Maybe his father would let him keep his jeans on this time. Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as it usually was. Maybe he’d go easy on him because Vic had gone so long without getting into trouble.

He tried so hard to console himself in the few seconds before his father spoke his harsh command. 

“You know better. Pants down; bend over.” Cold, stern indifference.

Maybe if he tried to explain that his girlfriend had called him crying…

Vic’s fingers shook as he tried to unfasten the button of his jeans.

Maybe if he said his girlfriend called him because she’d been raped—because she needed him. 

But he promised Kellin he wouldn’t tell anyone. He promised…

( ) ( ) ( )

It wasn’t the worst he’d ever gotten and Vic was thankful for that, but it still hurt like hell and it made his afternoon and evening at work excruciating. He was scolded several times at the restaurant by his father for not being polite enough or cheerful enough for the guests, but Vic lacked the energy to even fake a smile. 

He kept hoping Kellin would come to the restaurant like they’d discussed the night before—not really because he wanted to see him, but because he needed the chance to explain why he wasn’t answering any of the texts Kellin _had_ to be sending him. He’d hoped to get on his laptop before going to work, but ended up laying on his stomach in bed feeling sorry for himself until it was time to leave. 

When they did get to the restaurant, his mother took him aside in the kitchen and started her “nice parent” act—pretending she actually cared that his father had struck him, pretending she tried to talk her husband out of hurting him. She kept hugging him and rearranging his hair as if that would somehow make him feel better, all the while muttering about how his father was too strict and how it was good Vic had a girlfriend to call at night. 

“I was starting to worry about you, you know? That’s what I told your father last night. Mike always talks about the girls he sees walking around, but you never do. I was starting to worry you weren’t ever going to find a girlfriend.”

Vic lost his temper with her then, asking what good a girlfriend would be if he’s never allowed to see her or talk to her. He dropped another one of his many hints—though he guessed those were next to useless now that he was committed to the whole “Kelly” scheme—stating he may as well start dating Jaime since he was the only one Vic was able to spend time with without a hassle from his father.

His mother deflected the comment and went about straightening his work shirt before hugging him again and sending him off to wait tables. 

“I sent Kellin a message on Facebook,” Mike said as they stood by the kitchen window, waiting for their orders.

“Why?” Vic asked.

“To tell him you were grounded from your phone.”

“Yeah, I figured that part. I meant why bother? You don’t want me talking to him anyway.”

“Well it’s too late to keep him from getting you in trouble. I saw how you were with him at the game… I didn’t want Dad to break you two up.” Mike was staring straight at him, but Vic couldn’t stand to meet his gaze. He was still embarrassed and humiliated from the beating he’d gotten that morning, and he knew the very last thing Mike felt for him was pity. Vic brought it on himself—that was what Mike thought. He knew that was what he was going to get if he kept getting closer to Kellin. “He said he feels really bad for making you call him.”

“You shouldn’t have told him anything about it. He doesn’t need you guilt-tripping him!” 

“Hey, all I said was you couldn’t answer your phone because you got grounded. I didn’t say why. I didn’t tell him anything. He’s not a moron, though.”

“He only knows about Dad because you felt the need to tell him at lunch. Did you ever stop to consider that there are things about our life I _don’t_ want everyone to know? One of these days, you’re going to say something to the wrong person and the school is going to get involved.”

The order for Vic’s table came in then and he stormed off with the hot plates balanced expertly on his large, black tray. He tried to smile for the family at his table, afraid of being reprimanded by his father again, but the woman at the table just made the comment that he looked tired—like he’d had a long day. It was the exact kind of comment he was afraid a customer would make to his father.

His problems were his own problems, not the customers’—his father would say. If Vic wanted to make his problems everyone else’s, then he may as well go home… And if he went home early, it would mean another lecture and a beating. 

“I was out late last night with some friends,” Vic lied, forcing an almost genuine laugh for the woman. “Probably should’ve gone to bed earlier.” There would be nothing for the lady to say to his father if she believed him to just be the average teenage boy—tired all day because he stayed out too late at night with friends to get a good night’s rest. 

When he returned to the kitchen to refill drinks for a young couple on a date, his mother closed in on him again. She rubbed his back as he filled the cups, still trying to comfort him though only succeeding in making him agitated. If his father saw, he’d have something to say about it—about his mother being too gentle, too sensitive, to forgiving. Vic had gotten himself into trouble, so he didn’t deserve any sympathy or affection. Love, in his father’s eyes, had to be earned.

Vic didn’t deserve it. He knew that. So having his mother trying to coddle him just filled him with even more shame. 

“Are you upset with me?” His mother asked, putting her head on his shoulder. Now she was sounding upset and that just spiked Vic’s anxiety. He knew beatings always came in pairs and he didn’t want one for hurting his mother. He did _not_ want to experience the wrath his father would have toward him if he hurt the one person his father actually genuinely loved. 

“No—Mom, I’m just tired. Don’t worry about me.”

His dismissal didn’t work and she just started to hug him instead. He didn’t know what to say to her when she got like this, but screaming for her to back off before his father saw wasn’t going to save him. 

“What were you and Kelly talking about anyway? It must’ve been important for you to stay up so late.”

“She was just upset. I tried to tell her I couldn’t talk, but she needed me,” Vic mumbled. He was trying to remember if he’d thought to delete the thread of texts where Kellin told him his secret—confessed that Todd had raped him. He couldn’t remember… He hadn’t thought about it or even consider that his father might go through his phone to see what he and “Kelly” talked about.

“Why was she upset? Did you do something to her at the football game?” Her tone suddenly became very accusing and Vic sighed and shook his head. 

“No—I’ll tell you in a minute, okay? I have to check my tables or Dad’s going to freak out.” Vic escaped the kitchen with the fresh cups of soda and served the couple with a forced smile. As he made his rounds and took a new guest’s order, he tried to think of a lie he could tell. 

It wouldn’t work, he realized. If he lied and they checked his messages, he would be in even more trouble. But if he told his mother some girl had been raped, she was going to want to get involved—she was going to tell him to stay away from “Kelly” because she would bring about trouble. 

Though there was something he could say that might make sense to his mother—that might earn her sympathy instead of suspicion. If Vic could keep from getting anxious and word it all carefully.

“Well why was she upset?” His mother immediately asked when he turned in his guest’s order. 

“She told me her ex-boyfriend had been abusive,” Vic said, trying his hardest to stay vague. “She… She’s scared that I won’t like her because she’s… You know.”

“No, I don’t know. She’s what? Timid?—Pregnant? If I find out you’re talking to some pregnant girl—”

“She’s not pregnant! She’s nervous about guys because her ex- beat her up and she was afraid I wouldn’t like her because she’s…she’s not wanting anything really _serious._ You know?”

“Serious?” His mother pressed, not looking at all convinced. Vic was about to give up and just start lying—he was going to get hit again within the next few days anyway; why not just get it over with?—but then Mike pushed between them to fill fresh drinks. 

“I can’t take it anymore,” Mike said, looking over at them while filling a cup with ice. “She’s not down to fuck. Plain and simple, right?” Mike sad, looking at Vic directly before turning his gaze back to their horrorstruck mother who acted as though she’d never heard them speak profanity before. “She thinks guys like us are just after one thing and she doesn’t want to lead Vic on.”

“Watch your language!” Their mother said. “And you—” she added, looking to Vic with hard eyes. “—what in God’s name were you doing at that football game to make her think you wanted in her pants!? I raised you better than that!”

“Mom, chill!” Mike interjected, making himself the target. Vic knew he was going to owe his brother one later. “They didn’t even kiss. Vic’s got no game. Like _at all._ It’s pathetic.”

“That doesn’t explain why she’d need to be calling in the middle of the night.”

“Because she’s a girl!—You should know how crazy girls are. They’re needy. She just got dumped so she wants to make sure Vic doesn’t run off when she’s not looking.”

Their mother was about to say something else, but the hostess came in and interrupted. A customer had a question about the menu that she couldn’t answer and Vic’s father was too busy with a wholesale order to assist. 

“You fucking owe me,” Mike said as soon as their mother was gone.

“I know.”

“What the hell did he even want last night?”

“He was upset about Todd. I told you that.”

“But he couldn’t just text?”

“He was crying. I don’t really know why he needed to call, but he said he needed to hear my voice.”

“God, you really are pathetic. Don’t be so stupid next time. He’s not a girl—he needs to grow a pair and stand on his own two feet, not call you so he can have someone to cry to.”

“He’s got a lot going on,” Vic mumbled.

“So do we,” Mike said, finishing filling the cups and balancing them on a tray. “In case you haven’t noticed.”

Vic didn’t respond. Mike had a point… He just hoped Kellin wouldn’t feel abandoned if they had to start talking less when he finally did get his phone back. 

( ) ( ) ( )

It surprised Vic more than anything when Monday came and he’d yet to be struck again by his father. He still didn’t have his phone back, but he figured that would come in another few days or at least by the end of the month. His father hated paying money for phone service when it wasn’t being used, so he never held a phone for more than two weeks.

When he got to school Monday, Kellin was immediately at his side—apologizing profusely for getting him grounded, knowing he was responsible even though no one had told him the reason Vic had gotten in trouble. Kellin swore he’d act better from then on, promising never to push the issue again if Vic said he might get into trouble. 

In their classes, and especially at lunch, Kellin started getting closer and closer to him. He would touch him more, brushing shoulders with him in gym class and even caressing his hand on top of the table in their art class. Other students started to take notice, but nothing bad came of it. Vic was already unpopular, and the only person’s opinion that mattered to him was Kellin’s. That was what he told Jaime and Tony, too, when they decided to let him know that people were talking. 

He didn’t care if gossip had started up in the hallways about him being gay and stealing Todd’s boyfriend while Todd was suspended. He didn’t even care that someone asked Jaime if it were true that he and Kellin had hooked up in the bathroom at the football game. Vic didn’t care what people were saying, just as long as the school administrators didn’t feel the need to call and tell his father.

Kellin started contributing a little more to the conversations Vic would have with Mike and Tony at lunch, but would still get nervous whenever Mike or Tony passed him suspicious glances. 

With Todd out of the picture, he and Kellin were able to grow closer without much interference. Vic’s anxiety level dropped whenever he was at school where he could see Kellin and say whatever he wanted to him without fear that his father would find out or overhear. He and Kellin weren’t able to have conversations as deep as they used to over text, but Vic was pleased that losing his phone worked to make Kellin more interactive with him at school. 

Until the following week when Todd returned to school, anyway. As soon as he was back, Kellin’s affection all but shriveled up and disappeared. He would talk less at lunch, but kept his hand on Vic’s knee under the table where no one could see. It was the same in art class as well—his hand touching Vic’s leg or hand under the table. The sudden discretion caused the rumor mill to start churning out more lies about Kellin cheating on Todd with Vic. Once those rumors reached Todd, that was when everything really exploded—though it started off tame.

It began with the same old lies, only this time Vic wasn’t so sure that they were lies anymore. Kellin, it seemed, had been keeping something back from Vic in the two weeks that Todd had been absent—something Todd was more than happy to exploit.

“I think you’d better hear this from me,” Jaime said when Vic got to school that following Wednesday. Kellin was nowhere to be seen, even though he’d come early every day after Vic had had his phone taken away.

“What?” Vic asked, taking in Jaime’s disappointed, almost nervous expression.

“Todd is going around telling people that he caught syphilis from Kellin.”

“If Kellin has anything—which he _doesn’t_ —Todd’s the one who gave it to him,” Vic snapped. Rage hit him immediately. It frustrated him that Jaime would believe anything Todd was saying, and it irritated him even more that Todd would dare say something so offensive. He’d raped Kellin and now he was going to tell people he was out spreading STDs? He’d dumped Kellin, why couldn’t he just leave him alone!?

“I know you like Kellin, but you’re blind. You’re not paying attention. Kellin isn’t the innocent little schoolboy you seem to think he is, alright?”

“You don’t know anything about him!” 

“He hooks up with drug dealers, Vic! Todd’s been showing around photos. My girlfriend forwarded them to me last night.” Jaime had taken his phone out of his pocket and was trying to push the images into Vic’s face. If he didn’t think it would result in a scene, Vic had half the mind to slap the phone right out of Jaime’s hand and watch it shatter on the floor. “That’s Kellin, okay? Is that not Kellin?”

The photos were of Kellin making out with some tattooed creep. The guy had his hands on Kellin’s hips and Kellin’s hands were gripping that other man’s shoulders—not pushing him away, not resisting.

“There’s a video, too. It’s not something Todd Photoshopped, alright? This is real—this is _Kellin._ And that’s some drug dealer he screwed to get _heroin.”_

“Yeah, according to Todd,” Vic protested, glaring into his locker as he slammed his books around. He didn’t like any of it. He didn’t like that the photos were clearly genuine; he didn’t like that Kellin always kept his arms covered with either sleeves or collections of thick bracelets which would hide track marks if he had any. He hated that there was nothing he could base an argument on to come to Kellin’s defense—and he hated even more that he’d let himself be duped by Kellin’s innocent, blue eyes. He really had made a fool of himself, hadn’t he? 

“I don’t want you getting in trouble with your dad over this. Do you think he’s going to go easy on you if he finds out you’ve been hanging out with a drug addict?”

“Kellin’s _not_ an addict,” Vic said, refusing to believe it. He couldn’t. If he let himself believe that Kellin was everything he was trying to avoid — if Kellin really was a liar, a cheater, an _addict_ — he would have to end it. He would have to accept that there was no good person out there for him, that he was naïve and foolish — easy game for a player like Kellin was supposed to be.

Jaime let out an exasperated sigh and shook his head. 

“Vic, he’s _trouble!_ I know you’re lonely and you think you can help him, but you _can’t._ You can’t fix people like him!”

“I don’t need to fix him! He’s not an addict! Todd just spreads this shit around to keep Kellin isolated—to get under his skin!”

“You’re so fucking oblivious! You want to let to things keep going with him? Fine. Let your dad find out and beat the shit out of you. I don’t care anymore.” Jaime turned his attention back to his locker, beginning to slam around his books the same way Vic had. 

When Kellin finally arrived, he kept his head down and didn’t even acknowledge Vic as he opened his locker. Vic thought to say something to him, but didn’t want to with Jaime standing right there as well. His opportunity was lost anyway when three jocks walked past them, taunting and jeering at Kellin. 

In a span of five seconds he was asked if anyone had ever warned him about sharing needles, accused of carrying AIDS, and called a fag. 

Vic was unable to think of anything to say and ended up just standing there staring at Kellin. He wanted to comfort him, part of him believing that the Kellin he knew would never do those things. But photos didn’t lie—neither did video. There was no doubt in his mind that Kellin had been raped by Todd, but if he had the nerve to cheat on Todd why didn’t he have the courage to leave him before it got that bad? 

Kellin looked up at Vic briefly, his eyes sad and hurt, then closed his locker and hurried down the hallway without a word. 

He kept his silence through gym class and art, and was nowhere to be seen for lunch (where Tony and Mike reiterated all of the rumors Jaime had heard). When school was over, Kellin had kept his head down as they got their book bags from their lockers. Jaime still seemed angry about that morning and had walked away without even saying a word, leaving Kellin and Vic alone.

“So…Jaime showed me—”

“I know,” Kellin said, his voice sharp. “It was a party at Todd’s place. He dared his friend to kiss me. I didn’t want anything to do with it—not that you’d believe me.”

“I don’t know what to believe,” Vic said. “There’s obviously a lot you’re not telling me—”

“I don’t have to tell you anything! We’re not dating, remember?” Kellin yelled, actually raising his voice. When he met Vic’s gaze, there were tears lining his eyes but he looked determined not to let them fall. “Go ahead and believe everything Todd says about me! Go tell all your friends that I’m addicted to crack and that I slept with Todd’s friends for money—go tell them I have AIDS and only have two months to live! Then I’ll start believing everything people say about you and Mike!”

“What do you mean?” Vic asked, the statement pulling everything back into perspective. It was Todd they were dealing with—rumors they were being fed. Sure, there were pictures, but Todd could very well have forced Kellin to kiss that guy. It probably gave him a power trip as well as blackmail.

“That you’re drug dealers! That—That your parents are illegals, or that you’re looking to recruit me to be your drug mule. Todd says a lot of shit about you.”

Vic stared at him, feeling ashamed. Kellin looked so hurt and betrayed. They talked to each other all the time. How could Vic have believed all the hype before even considering Kellin’s feelings or asking him about it? 

“You’re right,” Vic said, looking away as the shame chewed its way through his chest. “Kellin, I’m sorry. I’m not… I’m not good at this.”

Kellin said nothing; he just stared at his locker with a mixed expression of anger and hurt. 

“I’m… I’m really sorry, Kellin,” Vic repeated. He cared about Kellin—he didn’t want to be one of the people who attacked him and judged him. “Forget I said anything. Whatever happened before with you and Todd or anybody else, that’s none of my business. I have no right to ask about that.”

“No, you don’t,” Kellin said, his voice low as he packed his book bag. 

“I… I guess I’ll talk to you later,” Vic said, closing his locker slowly. His heart sank when he walked away and Kellin said nothing more to him. He was afraid he’d messed up his chance—afraid he’d seriously hurt Kellin’s feelings and ruined any chance he had at a lasting friendship with him or anything more. 

How could he have believed anything the people at his school were spreading around? It was all just rumors meant to hurt Kellin and keep his confidence low so Todd wouldn’t lose his hold over him.

“So how’d your little talk go?” Mike asked, glaring at Vic where he stood, leaning against the car in the parking lot.

“Shut up,” Vic hissed, throwing his backpack into the backseat and slamming the door closed. 

“Are you done with him then?”

“I don’t want to talk about it!” Vic snapped. “It’s not any of your business anyway.”

“That answers that,” Mike said, having the audacity to laugh. 

If he knew he wouldn’t get beaten by his father for it, Vic would’ve punched him. Sure, he knew his brother and his friends didn’t support what he wanted to have with Kellin, but they didn’t need to be assholes about it. It wasn’t _funny_ that he’d hurt Kellin. 

Mike didn’t understand what it was like. He could go anywhere and find a girlfriend. Vic didn’t have that luxury. It was rare he could find someone like himself and even rarer that that person might be interested. Now he’d finally gotten the chance to get closer with someone like himself — someone he actually _liked_ — and he went and ruined it by falling for a stupid rumor, by falling squarely into Todd’s trap.

What was worse, being without his phone meant he couldn’t try to discuss it with Kellin at all before school the next day. That meant Kellin would have all night to think about it—think about how mean Vic had been to him, how cruel and accusing he’d acted. He wasn’t going to want Vic…

They were going to be finished and there was nothing Vic could do to fix it.

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic had texted him. 

Kellin’s stomach tightened when he saw the name appear on his screen about an hour and a half after he’d gotten home. He was scared that it would be more suspicion and anger, or a message telling Kellin to fuck off and that he’d better not talk to Vic or any of his friends again. He knew he’d been a little cold after school, but he hadn’t meant anything by it. He’d just felt so attacked. He wanted Vic to back off, but he didn’t want to lose his friendship completely. 

He’d trusted Vic with his secret and it hurt so badly to have Vic confront him about cheating and drugs—and all because of photos Todd was showing around. 

Kellin hated that, in that moment, he couldn’t just let Vic say what he needed to say instead of getting defensive. He should’ve just accepted the accusations like he did with Todd, not raise his voice—not make Vic apologize and walk away from him.

Not leave Vic to go home upset and have that disappointment turn into anger—into hatred.

When Kellin finally worked up the courage to open the message, the tension fled his stomach and he was so relieved he sank down onto the floor in his hallway—pleased his mother wasn’t around to see him and ask him what was wrong.

_Got my phone back! :) Are you okay?? I’m sorry about today. Jaime got me worked up over nothing. I hope you’re not too mad._

Kellin bit his lip and tried to think of how to reply. He wasn’t mad at Vic, he was hurt… He was angry with Todd, but there was nothing he could do about that. The more he tried to act against Todd’s wishes, the worse his schemes would be. 

“I’m not mad at you,” Kellin texted back.

_It’s okay if you are ): I deserve it. I’m really sorry._

“Why are you sorry?”

_For believing that stupid stuff. You’re not sleazy. I can tell that. I know better. I didn’t want to hurt you._

“I’m ok. I was just scared. I didn’t mean to snap at you like that.”

_Really, it’s fine. You had every right to be mad. I understand. I’m just glad my Dad gave my phone back so we could talk. I think I would’ve died if I had to spend all night thinking you hated me._

“I couldn’t hate you,” Kellin texted as he picked himself up from the floor and went into his bedroom to lay down in bed. 

_I’m still relieved. Lol! Talking to you always makes me feel better,_ Vic said, adding a little heart after his message.

It was like they hadn’t even fought and Kellin was so glad Vic was quick to forgive him. He didn’t seem to be trying to hide any anger or resentment either—he was just forgiving. 

“I like talking to you,” was all Kellin could think to say in return. 

_I feel like you’re the only person I can really be open with. You understand me. At least I hope you do Lol!_

“I hope I do!” Kellin texted before swallowing his pride and adding more to the message. “I really am sorry about school today. I shouldn’t have taken that out on you.”

_It’s fine! Really! It’s hard to trust anybody especially when there are so many jerks at our school._

“Yeah… But I should have known you didn’t mean anything. I’d rather you ask me than just hear it all from your friends.”

_To be honest I think you’re too nice to do any of the stuff people say. I don’t even know why I said anything._

“What did they say?” Kellin asked, even though he was afraid to know. He wanted to dispel any lingering doubts Vic had before his friends or Todd or anyone else could exploit them. 

_Mike is afraid you’re into drugs,_ Vic said after a long pause. 

Kellin stared at his phone and frowned. That was an issue he really didn’t want to get into. He was afraid he’d say something wrong and Vic would get the wrong idea. No matter how hard it was to let someone else in, he didn’t want to chase Vic away. It was nice to have someone interested in him, especially someone polite and gentle like Vic. It was relieving to have a friend like himself… 

“I did some when I was with Todd but not much. He wanted me to smoke weed with him a lot. I didn’t really like it. The smell makes me sick.”

All Vic sent him was a simple “oh” and a frowny-face. Somehow that small statement of disappointment left Kellin feeling so ashamed that he was nearly in tears. 

“I don’t do any now,” he added, hoping it might somehow make a difference. 

_That’s good,_ Vic answered. 

He seemed so cold now and Kellin stared at the screen while pain radiated from the pit of his stomach. He should’ve lied… He should’ve denied everything. But then what if Todd brought out photos Kellin didn’t know he had? What then? Vic would think him an addict and know him to be a liar…

He couldn’t win.

He sent Vic a frowning emoji, but almost turned off his phone and gave up on a reply after ten minutes had passed and Vic didn’t answer. He was just about to blacken the screen and toss his phone into his nightstand drawer when a message finally came through.

_Sorry! Working on car with Dad._

“Your car??” Kellin asked, not sure what else to ask. He didn’t know Vic’s car needed serviced, but there was a lot in Vic’s life they didn’t talk about. Usually they just talked about Kellin… 

_Yeah ): I broke it._

Kellin’s stomach twisted into knots, nervous on Vic’s behalf about the trouble with his car. If his father was strict enough to punish him for over two weeks over talking on the phone, what would he do to him if he had car trouble?

“What happened to your car???” Kellin asked, afraid to hear what Vic would say. 

_Some shielding thing fell off the bottom after I hit a pothole._

“Did your dad get angry?” Kellin asked, chewing his lip anxiously as he waited for a reply. He really hoped Vic’s dad went easy on him. It wasn’t his fault, even if he didn’t swerve to avoid the pothole. Accidents happened. He had to understand that, right?

He must. He must’ve understood it if he gave Vic his phone back. 

Or… Kellin started to get nauseated as his fears escalated. What if his father had beaten him for it, then felt bad and gave his phone back? What if Vic was hurt?

_He was surprisingly calm about it. I threw up when it happened tho lol._

“You got sick???” Kellin felt so sorry for him. Not only had he let their conversation end on a tense note, Vic’s day had gotten even worse after school. It was no secret that he was afraid of his father, and hearing that he’d gotten so anxious it made him physically ill weighed heavily on Kellin. He didn’t like the thought of Vic being so upset, even if it was better than him being struck.

_I thought I was done for. I can’t believe he wasn’t even mad._

“I’m glad he wasn’t! I don’t want you to get in trouble,” Kellin said, adding a frowning emoji. 

_Me either! I was terrified. Mike had to call Dad for me. I’m so pathetic… Hahaa._

“You’re not pathetic!! He’s mean to you,” Kellin replied. He didn’t blame Vic at all for having a breakdown—if anything, he understood exactly how it felt. He was always so terrified of making one wrong move and causing Todd to lash out at him, only it was so much worse for Vic. He lived with his attacker whereas Kellin could escape whenever he wasn’t at school or Todd’s house. Vic had nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. His father would hurt him and was _allowed_ to hurt him. Kellin, at least, had the solace of knowing if he ever did tell anyone, the abuse would stop. His mother wouldn’t let him near Todd, even if she knew it was all Kellin’s own fault. His mother would protect him, not stand idly by while he got smacked around.

_I didn’t even get grounded. And he gave my phone back! He was just like “the car must be from up north. The bottom is all rusty.” Like… He didn’t even say anything about me hitting the pothole._ Vic said. They talked a while longer about the damage to the car and how relieved Vic was, and how much better he was feeling (even if he was still in a little bit of shock). 

Kellin allowed the conversation to shift to something less tense, getting used to the long pauses as Vic and his father worked on the car. He was happy they could text again—he was happy they were connected again.


	9. Chapter 9

Vic was still nauseated, even after the car had been repaired and he’d been made to eat dinner. It scared him more that his father wasn’t angry with him the way he’d been expecting. 

He’d cursed at himself when he’d been too distracted to swerve in time to miss the pothole on the street, but had hoped that no real damage would be done.

The awful grating and scraping noise that immediately followed, however, told him otherwise. Even Mike had looked terrified, though his anxiety trickled away as they got out of the car and assessed the damages. He hadn’t been driving so there was no way he was getting grounded or hit with the belt. 

Vic took one look at the sheet of metal hanging down onto the pavement and started gagging. He didn’t know what it was or how bad it was or how much it would cost—and he honestly didn’t want to find out. Whether it cost twenty dollars or twenty-five hundred, he was going to get beaten for it—and it was his own fault for being too distracted over Kellin to watch the fucking road. 

Mike tried to comfort him, but nothing he did or said helped. He even rubbed Vic’s back while he vomited into the ditch beside the road. Maybe they could just pull the thing off and act like nothing happened, Mike had suggested. Vic knew that wouldn’t work. Their dad would be even angrier if he found out they’d lied to him. 

So after five minutes of shaking and kneeling in the grass vomiting, Vic was able to go over to the car and really look at the damage. The bottom panel had been so rusted that striking the pothole broke the sheet of metal away from the bolts meant to be holding it in place. It had still been affixed by two other bolts keeping Vic from being able to simply pull it the rest of the way off. Mike took the initiative to tie the metal back up to the underbody using his shoe string. Vic was sure that would just get them into more trouble, but once he’d recovered enough to drive home their dad didn’t even _care._

Mike had to be the one to explain what happened (leaving out the pothole they struck), and their father simply hummed and got up from the kitchen table. Vic hid behind their mother the instant he was on his feet, but when his father left the room, she followed after him. 

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” she kept saying, though she didn’t sound very convinced. Vic wished that she would actually speak up in his defense if his father did get mad, but she wouldn’t. She never did.

She rubbed his back and kept a hand on his arm as they stood in the driveway beside the car. His father knelt to look where Mike pointed.

Vic had to go back inside once his father laid down in the driveway to reach under the car and untie the shoestring. His mother tried to stop him, but Vic had pulled away and went to the bathroom to get sick again. He was still sitting on the floor with his head rested against the toilet when Mike came in and told him that their dad wasn’t even angry.

“He said it’s just rusty. He’s not mad.”

Vic didn’t believe him until their mother came in and said the same thing while rubbing his arms and forcing him to get up from the floor. 

She made him go back outside where his father was working to remove the sheet of metal. It wasn’t really necessary to keep it, he said, so long as Vic didn’t run over anything that might be strong enough to puncture the exhaust or gas tank. He kept showing off the corroded edges of the metal—the heat shielding—explaining how the car must’ve been owned by someone up north who had to drive in snow and salt. Nothing else would cause corrosion like that.

He was so preoccupied with the metal scrap and finding a place for it near the trashcans that he didn’t even notice Vic’s shaking. He didn’t seem to notice it or care how nervous he made his sons. When Vic could barely manage to eat dinner, his only comment was that Vic should know better than to waste his food—as if that would help put him at ease.

By the time he was allowed to go to his room, Vic was still practically a nervous wreck. He almost threw up again when he heard the unmistakable sound of his father coming up the stairs. He was going to get the belt—he knew it. So what if the car was rusted? He’d damaged it and his father was going to make him pay the price. 

Vic was leaning over the edge of his bed, gagging over his small trashcan when his father stepped into his room.

“I brought you your phone—are you throwing up?”

Vic had tried to play it off, terrified of making one wrong move and eliciting anger instead of concern.

His father asked if he got sick from food at school or if he was just shaken up about the car, but Vic could barely form a coherent answer. He was terrified. How could his father not realize how afraid of him he was?

“Listen, cars break down. I get it. Unless you go joyriding and drive it into a pole, I’m not too worried about it. Here—take your phone.” His father handed him the phone and patted his shoulder. 

Vic didn’t know why he was being nice after how cold he’d been over dinner. Maybe after the meal his mother started in on her husband about being too hard on them lately. Why else would he reward Vic with his cell phone after he broke the car? 

When his father finally left the room, Vic still had to lay in bed trying to fight waves of nausea. He almost wished his father had at least screamed at him—anything to break the tension. 

He hooked his phone to its charger, then turned it on and let himself become distracted with old messages from Tony and Jaime. And _Kellin._

Talking to Kellin calmed him so easily—effortlessly. If only the conversation could have stayed so lighthearted. They’d gotten onto the topic of drugs and it would’ve been a lie if Vic said it didn’t disappoint him when he heard Kellin done them before. It shouldn’t have surprised him—most everyone had tried drugs before—but he expected more from Kellin. He expected _better._

But that wasn’t fair. Just because he experimented didn’t mean he was an addict and it certainly didn’t mean he’d slept with a drug dealer in exchange for marijuana or heroin like Todd kept telling people. He was unable to keep his disappointment to himself though and it ended up making Kellin upset. 

The last thing Vic wanted was to push Kellin away, so he let the conversation shift to something else—talking with Kellin off and on the rest of the night until it was close to time for bed. Kellin said he was starting to fall asleep and just the thought of him wrapped up in his blankets in bed made Vic start smiling like a fool.

There were so many things he wanted to say, but he settled for sending Kellin a simple “Ur Cute” with a heart. 

He expected to hear more of the same back from Kellin—or hoped, rather, that Kellin would like him enough to call him cute—but the mood grew more serious instead. 

_I really am sorry about school. I know what I did was wrong. I can’t blame it all on Todd but I never would’ve done those things if I wasn’t with him. I don’t plan to do them anymore. I don’t want you to be disappointed in me._

“I’m not disappointed in you,” Vic texted back, sitting up in bed and propping himself against the headboard. They’d been talking so casually and now Kellin was upset again. Vic didn’t want to get into this now. They weren’t dating; so far, they were just getting to be friends. They didn’t need to get into all of their past mistakes and try holding each other accountable for them.

_You are… But I get it. You’d get in trouble with your dad if he knew about me. I don’t want to be the reason you get in trouble._

“You’re not. You won’t be. Are you okay???”

_Yeah._  
The one word answer made him more nervous.

He sent a frowning emoji and then another when Kellin didn’t answer.

_Sorry. I’m messed up._

“No you’re not. What’s wrong?”

_I don’t want you to hate me because of the drugs and Todd. I really don’t do them anymore and I never cheated on him. You have no reason to believe me but I’m not lying. I like you. I don’t want you to go away._

It made Vic’s heart flutter a little bit. Kellin liked him—Kellin was scared of losing his friendship. Vic wasn’t the only one getting dependent. 

“I’m not going anywhere. You need sleep.” Vic added a heart before he hit send and smiled when Kellin sent him one in return. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning ok?”

_OK. Come early? I want to give you something._

“Oh?” Vic tilted his head as he nestled further down in his blankets. Kellin wanted to give him something? How was he supposed to be able to sleep if he was wondering what Kellin had to give him? 

_Yeah. I’m falling asleep…_

“Then go to sleep! I’ll see you in the morning.” Vic added a smile and sent the message. Kellin replied with three hearts which left Vic feeling warm all over. 

Kellin had something he wanted to give him… 

Vic wasn’t going to be able to sleep at all. Not for a second. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic really didn’t know what to do expect when he got to school early. Mike was in a foul mood, half asleep and unhappy about arriving at their school almost twenty minutes early. He went into the building to put his backpack away and head to his classroom early (probably to catch a few extra moments of sleep before classes started), and Vic stayed outside. He was tempted to start walking in the direction of Kellin’s house, wanting to spend as much time with him as possible—even if it was just a few extra minutes—but he was nervous it might make him look strange. He didn’t want Kellin to think he was trying to stalk him or spy on him.

As hard as it was, Vic held his ground outside the school for close to five minutes before Kellin appeared on the sidewalk. He looked up and smiled when he caught Vic watching him, then removed his earbuds as he came closer. 

“Hi,” Kellin said, waving a little as Vic came over to him. 

“Hey! How is your morning going?” Vic asked, as if they hadn’t been texting since the moment they both woke up. 

“Good,” Kellin said, surprising Vic with a hug. A few other students walked past them, but no one really paid them any mind. Vic was still so taken aback by the gesture that, for a moment, he was unable to hug Kellin back. He stood there with his arms raised in surprise, but then slowly began to wrap them around Kellin’s shoulders—mindful of his backpack. Almost as soon as he hugged Kellin in return, the boy pulled away from him and started up the stairs into the school. 

Vic quickly followed after him, walking a little closer than he normally would. Kellin had hugged him—his mind was still spinning from it. He could practically hear Mike’s voice in the back of his mind, teasing him for being so “pathetic.” A hug was nothing—people hugged each other all the time—but it was the first time Kellin had really initiated contact. Sure, they held hands under the table, but that wasn’t the same as a hug. Right?

“Did you hear me?”

“What?” Vic felt his face going comically wide as he realized Kellin had been talking to him and he’d been too caught up reminiscing on their hug to listen. 

Kellin rolled his eyes and then started working the combination on his locker. 

“I said I’ll give you your gift after school. I’m not finished with it yet.”

“Oh!” Vic said, blushing a little. He’d spent all night wondering what that gift was going to be, but he hadn’t thought it was something Kellin had made or was _making_ for him. He’d secretly been wishing for a piece of Kellin’s clothing—like a sweater or a hat. Something he could wear to remind him of Kellin without his parents or anyone else really noticing. 

He could hear Mike scoffing that as well, muttering something like, “I thought chicks were the only ones who needed boyfriend sweaters. Guess I’m going to have to start calling you my sister.”

“What is it?” Vic asked.

“Like I’d tell you! You’re just going to have to wait,” Kellin said with a laugh.

“But I was waiting all night. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.”

“Yeah right,” Kellin said, shaking his head as he unzipped his book bag. 

“Really! Nobody gives me things. I’m excited.”

Kellin passed him a timid smile, his cheeks a light pink, before turning his focus back to his books. 

“Now I feel kind of bad,” he muttered.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re all excited and it’s really not that big of a deal. It’s…stupid,” Kellin said.

“I doubt that,” Vic said, taking off his hat and tucking it away in the top compartment of his locker. 

“Well it’s not that exciting…”

“If it’s from you, then I’m excited,” Vic said, smiling at Kellin as genuinely as he could.

“You’re getting me all worked up. I’m nervous now.”

“No—No, don’t get nervous!” Vic said, afraid now that Kellin was going to take it back and leave him waiting even longer. 

“It’s gonna suck. You’re getting all excited and it’s just going to suck…”

“You can give it to me now and then you won’t have to worry about it—and I can tell you how much I like it even though you won’t believe me.”

Kellin dropped his head as if in defeat and then stood up, reaching into his back pocket.

“It’s really dumb,” Kellin said, his head still low. 

“I doubt that,” Vic said, watching Kellin’s hand as the boy took a folded up piece of notebook paper out of his back pocket. His heart started beating a little faster, even though it was just paper. No one had ever given him anything before—not a love letter, not a boyfriend sweater, not anything.

“It’s not… It’s not really finished. I-I have two copies. I was going to keep working on it, but if you really want it now then…then here.” Kellin wouldn’t look up as he pushed the piece of paper into Vic’s hand. “It’s really stupid—it’s not any good.”

“I doubt that,” Vic repeated, eagerly unfolding the piece of paper. Kellin busied himself with his book bag, zipping it up and then almost immediately unzipping it to dig around for a pencil. 

Vic stared down with a stupid grin at the pages he was unfolding. Instead of one piece of paper as he’d thought, there were two. He had expected a letter, but the pages were arranged in stanzas. 

“You… You wrote a song for me?” Vic asked, his heart fluttering like crazy before he could read a single word. 

“It sucks,” Kellin said, his voice so low and sad.

“No,” Vic said, clicking his tongue as his eyes scanned the page. He was almost too distracted by his excitement to hold on to what he was reading. It wasn’t exactly a love song, but it was a song nonetheless—and it was a song Kellin had given to _him._

“I want to rework the chorus,” Kellin said, snatching the paper back as soon as Vic turned to the second page.

“I wasn’t done yet!” Vic whined, frowning as Kellin started folding the page up again. “You said you had a copy…”

“It’s stupid—I don’t want you to see it before it’s finished,” Kellin said, looking down self-consciously at the folded up square of notebook paper. 

“It’s not stupid. Can I please have it back? I wasn’t finished reading it yet.” Vic did his best attempt at a puppy dog expression until Kellin caved, rolling his eyes and handing the pages back.

“Maybe after school I’ll have it done,” Kellin mumbled. 

Vic hurried to put the page into his own pants pocket before Kellin could snatch it back, then put a hand on Kellin’s shoulder. 

“Well I look forward to it,” he said, looking at Kellin until the boy met his gaze. “What I got to see of it was really good. I liked it.” 

Kellin looked away as soon as Vic started complimenting him, too used to hearing all the awful lies Todd hissed at him to accept a kind word. 

“I really liked it,” Vic repeated, tilting his head and trying to meet Kellin’s eyes again. 

Though as soon as Kellin lifted his head, Todd burst past them—shoving Kellin as hard into the locker as he could as he went by, acting as if nothing had even happened while Kellin cowered against the metal edge of his opened locker door. 

Vic cursed under his breath as he went to Kellin’s aid, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder and rubbing it gently.

“Are you okay? Did you hit your head?” Vic asked, looking over Kellin’s face as the boy straightened himself back up. 

“I-I’m fine,” Kellin stammered, turning to peer down the hallway in the direction that Todd had gone.

Vic looked over his shoulder in the opposite direction, looking for any of Todd’s friends who might come by and try the same trick. The only person he saw was Jaime who was shaking his head as he neared them. He didn’t speak a word as he reached his locker, just fixed Vic with a disappointed stare before turning his focus to his combination lock. 

“Your cheek is all red,” Vic said, looking back at Kellin who was blinking back tears. 

“I’m fine,” Kellin repeated, sniffing and readjusting the books in his hands. 

Vic wished there was more he could do—wished there was something he could say. It was different when he thought Todd was just a bully pleased to torment Kellin with cruel taunts and wicked rumors. It was easy back then to tell Kellin not to worry, that Todd would get bored and let him be after some time. But Todd wasn’t just some bully with nothing better to do than tease his ex-. He wasn’t just Kellin’s bully—he was his rapist. Vic couldn’t even imagine how frightened Kellin had to be or what it must be like to fear that a push could lead to something far worse if Todd ever caught him alone. 

“Do you want me to walk you to your classroom?” Vic asked, stepping a little closer to Kellin when he noticed Todd’s friends coming up the hall. Kellin stiffened when he recognized the two guys as well and shuffled closer to Vic until they were standing chest to chest. Vic moved his hand from Kellin’s shoulder to his back, holding him in a gentle embrace until they had gone past. “Let me walk you to class,” Vic mumbled, only loud enough for Kellin to hear.

“Thank you,” Kellin whispered. He pressed his forehead against Vic’s shoulder for a brief moment before pulling away completely and closing his locker. He apologized to Vic for having to deal with his “drama,” but Vic just shushed him. He didn’t want Kellin to feel guilty—he just wanted him happy. He wanted to see him smile without it fading away into anxiety or fear. 

He kept an arm around Kellin’s shoulders as they walked through the hallway. People passed them strange glances, but Vic didn’t mind. His focus was on Kellin and making sure Todd didn’t come back for round two. 

“I’ll see you in gym, okay?” Vic said when they reached Kellin’s classroom door. 

Kellin merely nodded and slipped out of Vic’s grasp, ducking into his classroom and going to his desk. Vic felt a little more self-conscious about the looks directed at him in the hallways now that he was alone. He passed Tony on his way to first period and managed to make small talk about something other than Kellin for a few seconds. Even so, Kellin was all Vic could really think about during class—and it didn’t help that he had the song Kellin had given him open in his notebook. He kept reading it and re-reading it as the teacher lectured. He took in all the scribbles, all the eraser marks, the crumples around the edges. 

He’d had the song less than an hour and it had already become his most prized possession. He had it memorized by the end of his second period class, and spent third period trying to think of a place he could hide the lyrics in his room that his father wouldn’t look. He wouldn’t have to hide it at all if not for the “To Vic, From Kellin” written on the back of the second page from where it had been folded up. 

He thought to just leave it in his locker, but he didn’t want it to be away from him. He wanted it close—he wanted to be able to look at it and read it whenever he was feeling low or lonely. Maybe he could tape it to part of his bedframe, somewhere his father would never bother to look. 

Of course, if he went through all that trouble and his father did find it, there would be no way to explain it away. His father would know the lyrics were precious to him—and he’d remember Kellin from the restaurant. 

The thoughts kept his distracted up until it was time for his gym class with Kellin. He was on his way to the gym when Todd made his appearance again. Vic could tell the moment he saw him that Todd was focused on him—walking toward him, not just coming down the hall. 

Vic moved to be as close to the wall as possible, hoping he could slip by without being punched—or manage to use the wall to keep him propped up if Todd decided to shove him.

“Hey!” Todd snapped, immediately closing the distance between them and blocking Vic’s path. Vic backed a step away, but knew he couldn’t run. If he tried to turn his back to Todd, he was going to end up with his face smashed into the floor. Todd towered over him, his eyes cold and vicious as he stared down at him.

“What do you want?” Vic asked, trying hard not to show his fear. 

“I’m going to tell you this once—keep your hands off my bitch.”

“He’s your ex-!” Vic argued, keeping his voice low so no teachers would overhear and get involved. “You dumped him; why do you care who he talks to?” 

“You’re not listening. I just told you! He’s my _bitch._ I _own_ him. That means _I_ get to decide who fucks him.”

“You don’t _own_ him! He’s his own person—”

“I don’t want to hear your shit! That bitch is mine. His ass is _mine._ If I see you touching him again, he’s going to pay for it and you’re _really_ going to pay for it. Do you hear me?”

“You don’t own him,” Vic repeated, forcing himself to keep his eyes locked with Todd’s. He didn’t care if he got punched anymore—he didn’t care if his dad beat him for getting in a fight. Someone had to stick up for Kellin. Someone had to tell Todd that Kellin wasn’t his property to share around. 

“He’s my slut and if you run your mouth again, I’m gonna make _you_ my slut.” Todd’s face twisted into a sickening grin a mere second before he reached up to touch Vic’s cheek. Vic jerked away from him, but with his back already to the wall he had nowhere to go. “I fucking hate spics, but with your face buried in my pillow I could pretend you’re just tan.”

Vic pressed back against the wall even harder, trying to think of something to say in return despite the panic that started taking over his brain. Todd was starting to run his fingers through Vic’s hair, yet Vic couldn’t even raise his hand to fight him off. He was frozen. 

He was a coward, too afraid to push Todd away because if Todd got it in his mind to punch him, Vic’s father would have it out for him when he got home. As much as he hated Todd, as much as Todd sickened and repulsed him, he didn’t want to get beaten for standing up to him. 

“Hey—What the hell!?”

Both Vic and Todd turned to look toward the sudden voice. Vic felt relief flood his chest when Todd finally backed up, apparently put off by Jaime who was storming over to them with rage creasing his face. 

“Come on, man. He hasn’t done anything to you—just back off!” Jaime said, getting between and daring to push Todd back by his chest. 

It wasn’t a hard shove by any means, but Todd’s immediate reaction was to cock back his fist and throw a punch directly at Jaime’s face—crashing his knuckles against Jaime’s nose. 

Jaime stumbled back against Vic before he hunched over, clutching at his face as he groaned in pain. 

“Don’t you ever put your fucking hands on me!” Todd shouted, catching the attention of a teacher who had peered into the hallway and then started toward them. Vic looked from the teacher to Jaime who had blood rushing between his fingers—then back at Todd whose eyes burned with rage. “You’re gonna get it,” he spat, his hatred directed at Vic. “Oh, you’re gonna fucking get it.”

More teachers were rushing toward them—the largest grabbing Todd by his shoulder and jerking him back. Even the force of the grab didn’t break Todd’s fixed stare—his cold eyes showing just how much intent he had backing his threat.

“That’s enough!” The teacher yelled. “Office!—Go to the office!”

The two female teachers were crowded around Jaime, telling him to tilt his head back though Jaime didn’t listen. He was glaring at Vic, so unaware of how deeply the hatred in his eyes cut into his friend’s chest. 

“Are you happy now!?” Jaime snapped.

“Oh, don’t get angry,” one of the teachers started cooing—acting as if Jaime were some small, injured toddler. 

“I told you this would happen! I warned you!” Jaime yelled, more blood spilling between the fingers he had clutching his face.

“Okay. Alright, that’s enough. Let’s get you to the nurse,” the one teacher said, starting to guide Jaime down the hallway. 

“You need to come with me,” the other teacher said, looking at Vic with suspicion—as if she really thought he’d been the one to punch his own best friend in the face. 

Vic tried explaining what happened to the woman as she guided him into the office, his voice shaking as the horrible reality sunk in. He was going to the office because he’d been involved in a fight. They were going to call his father.


	10. Chapter 10

Vic was struggling just to breathe as he sat on the wooden bench across from the principal’s desk. He’d been asked several times what had happened in the hallway—forced to go over it step by painful step. Todd was insisting that Jaime punched him first, but thankfully none of the administrative staff believed him. Jaime had never even skipped a class in the two years he’d been enrolled in the school and no one believed that he would start a fight. Vic had tried to leave Kellin out of it as much as possible, but Jaime (who was with a teacher in the nurse’s office trying to stop the bleeding of his broken nose) had included nearly every detail in his telling of the story. 

“So you’ve been getting closer to Kellin…” The principal said, reading over a note the secretary had given him.

“He’s just my friend. I-I don’t know why Todd is so angry about it.”

“Clearly you must know, if what Jaime is saying is true. He says that Todd doesn’t want you hanging around Kellin and that’s what this whole thing was about. Is that right?”

“No,” Vic said, daring to lie. He couldn’t have them call his father and tell him that Vic had gotten in a fight over another guy. He wouldn’t survive the night! If his father learned that Kelly was Kellin on the same day he heard about Vic getting in a fight, it wasn’t the belt Vic was going to be hit with. 

More likely than not, it would be their car. 

He was dead. If they called his father, Vic was as good as dead. 

“You’re saying this had nothing to do with Kellin?”

“No!—It didn’t. I-I was just going to class. He’s mad about me getting him suspended. He—He told me that he didn’t like having people like me in his school,” Vic lied, though he was sure it wasn’t much of an exaggeration of how Todd truly felt. (Sure there was the rumor going around that Todd, for whatever reason, wanted to get with Tony, but he seemed to hate everyone else who came from LHS.)

“People like you as in…?” The principal was staring straight through him, looking exhausted and irritated at Vic for not just agreeing with everything he suggested. 

“Spics, as he likes to say it,” Vic said.

“He called you that again?” The principal asked.

“Yes! That’s what this is about. I’m friends with Kellin, but that’s not why Todd keeps coming after me.” 

“Alright… As you should know, our school has a zero tolerance policy for violence—”

The principal didn’t even have to finish speaking before Vic knew what he was about to say. Vic had been involved in a fight—he was getting suspended. He and Todd and Jaime were all going to be suspended.

His father was going to _ruin_ him. 

“I didn’t even do anything!” Vic interrupted. “I was just walking to class! He pinned me against the wall!—He’s targeting me because I’m Hispanic, now you’re going to suspend me too!?”

“Victor, I think we both know what this was actually about.”

He had no proof, Vic told himself. This man had no proof besides whatever Jaime told someone else in his fit of anger. If Vic could end this here, if he could distract them from Kellin, he might be able to get himself out of this mess before they called his father. 

“It’s because I transferred from LHS, isn’t it? You don’t want me here!—You just want me out even though I never did anything!”

“I can assure you that your former high school has _nothing_ to do with our school’s policy on fighting,” the principal said, his voice sickeningly calm.

“So anyone can go around beating people up because of their skin color and you’re going to suspend the victims too? Todd punched me last month out of nowhere, I didn’t get suspended then—so why is this time different?”

“I think you’re getting off topic. Now, I’m going to call your father—”

“Good! Maybe you can explain to him why I’m getting suspended for your White students being racist.” 

His defiance was going to get him in trouble and he knew that, but it was his only hope now. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic was in shock—complete shock. His mother had to keep carding her fingers through his hair to distract him, to break his staring contest with the kitchen table. His father had left home to go back to the restaurant over an hour ago, but Vic was still in awe. 

He was sent home for the day and Mike had been pulled out of school for the day as well, but no one other than Todd had been suspended.

Vic had gotten away with it.

He’d _really_ gotten away with it. His plan worked—his desperate, pathetic plan had actually worked. 

When the school tried to call his father, it was his mother who had answered and she had no patience at all for what the principal was trying to say. She knew her sons and they didn’t go around causing fights, she’d screamed so loud that Vic could hear it where he sat on the wooden bench. By the time she and his father arrived, she’d already told her husband that the school was trying to blame Vic for being assaulted by a racist—the very same racist who had punched him three weeks ago.

If not for her, Vic felt he would have been in trouble with his father. His dad didn’t argue with teachers—if they said Vic did something wrong, he just believed them. When his wife was upset though, for whatever reason, he became determined to assuage her. 

And that was exactly what happened. His mother yelled at the principal, his father _really_ yelled at the principal—and then Jaime’s parents showed up and joined the argument as well. Their son needed medical attention because a known racist had punched him and now he was on the verge of suspension? There was no way they were going to let that happen. With the family friends on their side, Vic’s parents managed to put the issue to rest. 

Todd would be suspended, not Jaime and certainly not Vic. And if the school ever tried to suspend them again for defending themselves, their parents threatened to get attorneys involved. 

That ended the discussion at the school, but Vic expected something far worse to be waiting when he arrived at the house mere minutes after his parents with Mike in tow—Mike who had heard about four different versions of the fight after it had happened. However, when they got in the house, his father started asking more questions about the fight—about what Todd had said to him and if Todd had put a hand on him. When he got all the information he could (and had calmed down enough to leave the house), he returned to the restaurant and left Vic and Mike behind.

Unharmed. Unthreatened. There hadn’t even been an “if this happens again, you’re getting it” conversation. 

“I wasn’t going to let him hurt you,” his mother said, seeming to understand completely the cause of Vic’s shock. She hugged him around his shoulders and kissed the top of his head, coddling him as if he’d been the one to get a broken nose—not Jaime. “I’m sorry this is happening to you. We didn’t know things like this happened at your new school. I had no idea this would happen.”

“I’m… I’m fine, Mom,” Vic stammered.

“I feel so bad for Jaime. His mother’s supposed to call me and let me know how he’s doing when they leave the emergency room.”

Being reminded of Jaime just filled Vic with guilt. Jaime didn’t deserve to be punched or threatened with suspension—he’d just been trying to save Vic from Todd…because Vic was too stupid and stubborn to heed his warnings and stay away from Kellin. He was so afraid his best friend would want nothing to do with him now.

Yes he liked Kellin a lot, but he and Jaime had history. They’d been friends since childhood and Vic didn’t want that taken away from him because of Todd. He’d been so excited to be going to the same high school as his friends, hoping to be allowed to socialize more and become more a part of Jaime and Tony’s group than just an occasional interloper at the skate park. 

When his mother was done fussing over him (and the shock had mostly worn off), Vic went upstairs to his bedroom and sent a text to Jaime asking how he was. 

_Martina is coming over. Parents are going out. Couldn’t be better._

“How’s your nose?” Vic asked, waiting anxiously for Jaime’s reply. 

_Hurt like hell til they gave me some drugs. Now Martina is coming over to take care of me. I could NOT be better._

“I’m really sorry about Todd. I’ll try to tone things down with Kellin.” 

_We both no thts nt happnng. Tina’s here. Peace out._

Vic rolled his eyes and deleted his last two messages in case his father went through his phone. He didn’t need his father to find out about Jaime sneaking Martina over when his parents went out. Jaime might forgive him for Todd and the punch, but if Vic tipped off Jaime’s parents to their son getting laid every time they went out, Jaime would murder him. 

Once Jaime became otherwise occupied, Vic finally caved and texted Kellin back. He’d been getting messages since he’d missed gym class and couldn’t leave Kellin waiting any longer.

“Sorry. I’m sure you heard already. I would’ve texted sooner but I didn’t know how my dad would react. Are you okay?”

Kellin sent him a row of three frowning faces but nothing more.

“What’s wrong?” Vic asked, a little disheartened that Kellin wasn’t worried enough to actually send him a response, just emojis. 

_I got you beat up by Todd! That’s what’s wrong! ):_

“I didn’t get beat up,” Vic texted back, explaining what had happened and how he’d managed to get himself out of trouble. He also mentioned that Jaime was okay and recovering with his girlfriend.

_I’ve seen her. She’s pretty ):_

“Ur pretty,” Vic said, only earning another frowning emoji from Kellin. “Are you mad at me??”

_I’m scared ):_

“Of what?”

_You said you didn’t get in trouble with your dad. I don’t believe you. ): ): ):_

“I really didn’t. My dad really thinks Todd’s just racist. I’m okay. Are you going to be okay?”

_I’m scared._

“Why are you scared?” Vic was trying hard not to show his irritation. Usually Kellin wasn’t so repetitive and vague.

_I keep getting you into trouble. You’re going to get fed up with me._

“No, I’m not. I didn’t get in trouble and if I did it wouldn’t be your fault. Don’t be upset.” Vic added a frowning emoji and sighed heavily after hitting send. 

_Todd said you were getting expelled. You’d tell me the truth wouldn’t you?_

“I almost got suspended but I told you my dad fixed it. I don’t want you upset.”

_Can I call you?_

Vic sighed and glanced over at his bedroom door. His father was at the restaurant… His mother might sneak upstairs and stand outside his door to listen in, but he didn’t have to do chores for another forty minutes so there was time for a call. 

After deleting several of his text messages, Vic brought up Kellin’s number and nestled down in his bed as the phone started to ring. Kellin’s sniffling was the first sound he was met with. He didn’t even say hello; he sobbed.

He was upset over Todd—sorry that Todd was causing trouble for Vic, sorry he was getting Vic in trouble with his father, sorry for everything he had no control over. Vic tried so hard to reassure him that everything was alright, that he didn’t need to cry over this, but Kellin continued to sob into his ear for over five minutes. When he finally calmed down, Kellin asked Vic his opinion on the song and told him the lyrics he’d meant to change. Vic complimented and praised him until Kellin was at least able to talk more normally, then their conversation shifted to much more lighthearted subjects. 

Kellin was going shopping with his mother over the weekend and he hoped to be able to get her to take him to Vic’s restaurant for dinner after they were done. 

“I really wish we could just spend time together,” Kellin said. “Without Todd, you know? Or your dad…”

“Me too. Probably won’t ever get to happen though. My dad never lets me go out…”

“You said you go to the skate park sometimes. Maybe we can meet there.”

“Maybe… But he checks with Jaime’s dad to make sure he’s there and he likes to drive by when I’m there.”

“Does he not let you have any privacy at all?”

“Not really,” Vic said, making sure to keep his voice low. 

“Do you even have a bedroom door?”

“Well yeah… Mom doesn’t like to hear our music if we listen to any so I can have my door closed whenever. But if Dad says to open it, then I have to open it.”

“I couldn’t live that way,” Kellin mumbled.

“It’s not so bad…”

“It sounds pretty bad,” Kellin said before sighing loudly. “I want to spend time with you…”

“I’d like that too,” Vic said, trying to think of any scenario he could force together that would land him and Kellin alone together. Maybe if they went to the skate park… He could just sit out by one of the trees with Kellin and watch Mike, Jaime, and Tony practice their tricks. “I wish you could just come over… Or that I could just come over.”

“I guess your dad didn’t like me when he met me at the restaurant then, did he?”

“Dad doesn’t like anybody… I’m glad you don’t just give up on me. Everybody else does—except Tony and Jaime.” 

“Did you have boyfriends before? At LHS?”

“There was one guy… It lasted maybe a month. I’m hard to date, I guess. I’m not really allowed to be with anybody so…”

“Was he your first boyfriend?”

“Yeah. If you consider him a real boyfriend.”

“Well did you kiss and stuff?”

“We made out in the bathroom once… It was kind of gross. He wanted me to sleep with him but we never really got the chance.”

“I’ve only ever slept with Todd,” Kellin said, his voice meek. “I hope that doesn’t…creep you out or anything.”

“Why would that creep me out?” Vic asked, keeping his voice gentle—hoping Kellin would actually open up about his fears instead of changing the subject. Vic wanted Kellin to know that he was serious about this—about them—and wanted them to be open with one another.

“I don’t know… Todd said it was weird I didn’t sleep with anyone before. He was my first kiss and everything.” 

“That sucks. He didn’t deserve to be your first anything.”

“Yeah… Vic?”

“Hm?”

“If we started dating, do you think you’d ever be able to stay the night at my house?”

“Probably not. I’d love to though. Man—if you could stay here, I’d play guitar for you. We could play your song together.”

Kellin laughed softly, but before he could say anything in response, Vic’s bedroom door swung open and his mother was standing there with a terrible grin on her face. 

“Tell your girlfriend you have to go. Your dad wants the living room cleaned up. Okay?”

“Okay,” Vic said, waiting before his mother left his doorway before speaking to Kellin again. She seemed reluctant to go—probably trying to decide if it was okay for her to ask if she could borrow the phone and talk to ‘Kelly.’ “I have to go…”

“Aw… Okay. Text me later?—So I know you’re okay?”

“I will,” Vic said, his heart fluttering at the mere mention of Kellin being worried about him. He loved that affection more than anything—someone concerned about him, someone who cared enough about him to fear for his wellbeing when they were apart. “You should get some rest. I know you’re all stressed out—so just try to relax. Okay?”

“I’ll try,” Kellin said softly. 

After they hung up, Vic sat on his bed a moment longer staring at his phone. He didn’t want to do chores, he wanted to talk to his friend. He didn’t care how pathetic it was or how “gay,” he wanted to sit in his room and talk to the boy he liked for hours on end like the girls in the movies. He wanted to hear about Kellin’s day—every second of his day, every thought that went through his head. He wanted to listen to Kellin talk about all his problems so he didn’t have to think about his own. Hell, Vic was one step away from doodling Kellin’s name in his notebooks, dotting the “i” in his name with a heart. 

Before going downstairs, Vic texted Kellin three heart emojis and forced himself to leave his phone behind in his bedroom before Kellin could type a reply. Deep down he really wished he had more control of himself—enough willpower to stop and think about what all of this was inevitably coming to—but it was far easier to get swept up in all the good feelings this chance at a relationship poured into him. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Kellin was shaking with excitement—or maybe it was nerves. He wasn’t too sure, but he was meeting Vic at the skate park and his body was trembling nonstop. Tony and Jaime had already showed up, and Kellin was hiding from them by the bike rack. He watched the sidewalk, waiting to see Vic coming with his brother. Hopefully they wouldn’t be mad at Kellin for showing up… Vic said he wasn’t going to tell them ahead of time. He was worried Jaime would get offended or worried about Todd showing up, too, and cancel.

Kellin didn’t want to cause a fight between Vic and his friends, but he didn’t want to miss the chance to see Vic outside of school either. 

So when Vic finally did appear on the sidewalk, Kellin’s heart started racing even faster. He looked around nervously, making sure Todd wasn’t there watching him, then came out of hiding and approached Vic and Mike on the sidewalk.

“Hey! You came!” Vic said, smiling and flapping his arms a little in excitement, one hand holding his skateboard against his side. 

Kellin couldn’t think of anything to say, too put off by the way Mike groaned and shook his head before walking away to join Tony and Jaime across the way.

“You look upset—is everything okay?” Vic asked.

“Huh? No—I’m fine. I’m okay, just… Yeah, I’m nervous,” Kellin confessed, laughing anxiously and looking over his shoulder toward Mike. 

“Don’t be,” Vic said, putting his free arm around Kellin’s shoulders and walking him toward the others. Kellin hesitated a little, but found that Vic’s hold on him was much less possessive than Todd’s had been. Vic wasn’t tugging him or pulling him—just casually keeping contact. 

It was nice.

“So how did you get your dad to let you out of the house?” Kellin asked.

“I don’t know really. Dad’s been nice since the whole…the whole fight thing with Todd. I still work tonight though.”

“Maybe I could come to the restaurant and see you,” Kellin mumbled as Vic guided him toward his friends. 

“Maybe,” Vic said, though he didn’t sound too eager. It was probably awkward for him to wait on Kellin…especially with his father watching over him. Kellin made a mental note never to offer it again. Being clingy would drive Vic away and there would be no one to replace him—no one to fill the void in his chest left by Todd. 

“I… I don’t have a skateboard,” Kellin said when they drew closer to Jaime and Tony. He felt so out of place watching them practice tricks, embarrassed and anxious. He didn’t fit in any better here than he had with Todd’s friends. He shouldn’t have come, Kellin thought. He should’ve let Vic be—should’ve left him alone to enjoy his morning with his friends, not try to intrude. “I-I’ll just stay over here and watch.” 

Kellin pulled away from Vic’s side and moved to stand near a locked utility shed several feet back from the concrete ramps. 

“All the way over here? What’s the matter?”

“I don’t want to be in the way,” Kellin said, keeping his head down. He felt himself start shaking harder though he couldn’t pinpoint the reason he’d become so nervous. Vic was the one who asked him to come. He didn’t need to feel guilty for being here…

“You’re not in the way. I came here to see you and hang out with Jaime and Tony. Don’t get nervous.”

“Your friends don’t like me,” Kellin said, looking from Vic to the ramps where Jaime and Tony were now standing with Mike—all of them looking in Kellin’s direction. 

“Don’t worry about them. Come on, we’ll go say hi and then you and me can just sit together for a bit.”

Kellin couldn’t argue, so he merely kept his head down as Vic led him over to his friends. Jaime’s face was still badly, badly bruised from Todd breaking his nose and Kellin couldn’t even bare to glance at him. It was his fault for all of this. It would be so much better for everyone if he just faded away…

So why did that thought just make him step closer to Vic’s side? Vic noticed him getting closer and started smiling wider than he already was, and then put an arm around Kellin’s shoulders—pulling him as close as possible while listening to Tony tell about a video he’d watched online. Vic’s grasp wasn’t at all like Todd’s had been… He kept it gentle, even rubbing Kellin’s arm every now and then as if trying to calm him and stop his shaking. After a while, Kellin had started to drift away—no longer hearing Tony as he spoke, only concentrating on Vic’s soft hums and gentle laughter. 

He smelled _so_ good, Kellin thought as he pressed just a little bit closer. He rested his chin on Vic’s shoulder, keeping his eyes trained on the ground so Vic would know he wasn’t checking out his friends. 

“Right, Kell?”

“What?” Kellin’s eyes went wide and he lifted his head from Vic’s shoulder.

“I said you’d practice with me on my board before trying out the ramps. Unless you want to just go for it,” Vic said, laughing and pulling away from Kellin in order to set his board on the ground. 

“Just don’t fall and break your face,” Jaime said. Kellin knew he was talking to him, but still couldn’t bring himself to look at Jaime’s face when he spoke. “Vic’ll never stop crying about it if you do.”

“You’ll be fine,” Vic said, patting Kellin’s back. “We’re going to sit down for a bit—you guys go ahead. We’ll be over here.” Vic pointed toward a bench down the sidewalk, then stepped on his skateboard. He smiled at Kellin, then set off down the sidewalk leaving Kellin trailing slowly behind him. 

When Vic reached the bench, he appeared to attempt some trick—or perhaps he just stumbled—and ended up falling off his board though he kept his footing. He looked at Kellin with wide eyes, grinning nervously and beginning to blush as he stepped back from his board and sat down on the bench. Kellin ducked his head to hide his smile even though he knew Vic wasn’t going to lash out at him the way Todd always did. 

“I should’ve thought to stop somewhere to get drinks or something,” Vic said, patting his knees as if he were anxious. “Are you thirsty? I…I could drive somewhere. Pick something up?”

“What if your dad drives by and sees your car gone?” Kellin asked.

“Yeah… I’d get it for sure,” Vic said with a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Kellin asked. He was so unused to anyone being nervous around him let alone apologetic. Todd always forced him to be sorry, smacking him around until he seemed sincere in his apologies too. Vic seemed so sad and Kellin couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t bear the thought of Vic being unhappy…

That reality frightened him. He hardly knew Vic, so why was he letting himself get so attached?

“Well… I mean, look at you,” Vic said with a nervous chuckle as he gestured to Kellin. “You deserve somebody who can take you places and go out with you. All I can do is text and hope to get you alone at the skate park once a month without my dad finding out… I don’t want you to feel like you’re a dirty little secret. You deserve better than that.”

“Yeah,” Kellin mumbled, not believing a single word. It was flattering that Vic thought so highly of him, but as soon as he realized Kellin wasn’t all that great things would turn bad—and fast. All that affection would turn to disappointment, then resentment. Just like Todd… Then the hitting would start, too. 

_No,_ Kellin realized, watching how Vic fidgeted on the bench. No… Vic wasn’t the hitting type. Maybe it was wrong to feel trust after only knowing each other a couple months, but something about Vic’s demeanor… Kellin was wary of him, but he wasn’t afraid. 

“I feel really selfish, you know? I’m useless as a boyfriend, but I still want you all to myself.”

“You’re not useless.”

“You’re just being nice.” Vic laughed self-consciously and looked down at his shoes. He seemed so sad, but all Kellin could think to do was scoot closer on the bench so their legs were touching.

They were finally alone together, and even if they weren’t exactly in private it was still quality time. Kellin didn’t want to ruin it. He didn’t want to see Vic upset.

“You’re _not_ useless,” Kellin repeated. “You calm me down when I have panic attacks…”

“That’s true,” Vic said. He smiled and then slowly reached over and set his hand on Kellin’s knee. 

“And you listen to me bitch about school and my mom and Todd. I’m the useless one. All I do is get you in trouble.” 

“No—I do that by myself.”

“Because of me.”

“Because I like you,” Vic said, his voice becoming oddly low—like a purr. It made Kellin’s cheeks heat up and he looked away. “You blush a lot, you know?”

“No,” Kellin said, keeping his face turned away even as he felt Vic start pressing closer to him. Panic gripped him a moment when he felt Vic’s hand on his knee slide up a little higher, but the next thing he knew Vic had pressed a fast kiss onto his cheek and then pulled away. 

“You do,” Vic teased. “It’s okay though. I like it.” Vic kissed his cheek again and Kellin rolled his eyes, the tension trickling away as he leaned back against Vic’s shoulder. 

He had so much running through his mind that it was hard to stay in the moment—to just relax and enjoy it. He was afraid of all the things he didn’t know. What if Vic was just lonely? What if he just tolerated Kellin because he didn’t want to be alone? Kellin didn’t want to be a placeholder for someone better…but he didn’t want to be alone either. Maybe it was selfish to think ill of Vic for using him if he was doing the same thing…

Except Kellin really liked Vic. He was cute and quiet and gentle… He didn’t cause trouble or raise his voice, he tried to stick up for Kellin when he could… Kellin couldn’t do any better. 

“You should teach me,” Kellin blurted out, becoming suddenly aware of the silence they’d fallen into. “To skate. Teach me.” 

“Okay,” Vic said, beaming at Kellin as he got to his feet. “I won’t let you fall down, I promise.”

Kellin smiled at him nervously as he came to stand next to the battered skateboard at his feet. He let Vic put his hands on him, let him touch the small of his back and grab his arm as if to steady him even though Kellin had no difficulty keeping his balance when the board wasn’t moving. The protective touch felt nice and it wasn’t long before Kellin started acting as if he couldn’t stay up right just to have Vic hold him. 

He liked it more than he should have, really. He even dared to let himself feel smug when Vic ignored his brother every time he called for him to come join Jaime and Tony. He had Vic’s complete, undivided attention and loved every moment of it. He didn’t have to feel self-conscious or nervous the way he did around Todd. Everything about Vic just put him at ease. There was no tensing up, no fearing he’d said the wrong thing—just gentle touches and soft words. 

He didn’t want Vic to have to go to work…

But that was inevitably what happened. Kellin managed to steal Vic away from his friends for the whole three hours they were at the skate park, but he still wanted more. It was a shame they couldn’t even text until Vic got home from work, and by then he’d be too tired to hold much of a conversation. 

“I’ll see you at school on Monday, alright?” Vic said, smiling as he held Kellin’s hand. He was sitting on the sidewalk while Kellin sat cross-legged on the skateboard. Mike was already waiting by their car and Tony and Jaime had left long ago, but still Vic hesitated. He was going to be late home, Kellin reminded him, but Vic didn’t seem to care.

“Don’t forget to text me,” Kellin said, trying to keep himself from spluttering out all the other thoughts in his head—even though he was sure Vic would appreciate them. Vic seemed to like hearing that Kellin would miss him. Vic seemed to like clingy.

“I won’t.” Vic scooted forward until he was mere inches away from Kellin, then licked his lips anxiously. Right away Kellin could tell what he wanted, but doubted Vic would make a move. 

Kellin smiled and leaned forward, letting his eyes slip closed as he closed the distance between himself and Vic. Their lips brushed together gently at first, but grew deeper when Vic learned in as well. Kellin couldn’t help but smile into the kiss—his heart was beating so hard, but he felt it was more excitement than fear. Vic made a soft noise in the back of his throat and shifted closer, parting his lips slightly—coaxing Kellin to do the same. 

He’d only ever kissed Todd before—was only accustomed to the harsh press of Todd’s firm lips, the scrape of his stubble, the piercing pain of his teeth sinking into his bottom lip. Vic, in contrast, was almost timid. His bottom lip was so plump and so soft, he had no rough stubble or sharp teeth. Vic didn’t even try to add tongue, he just kept humming softly in pleasure until the inevitable moment they had to pull away. 

When Vic finally stood up to leave and had collected his skateboard, Kellin managed to claim one final hug before he was left on his own in the park. The very second Vic was out of his sight, the coldness settled in Kellin’s chest again. It was a painful, heavy loneliness that left him walking home with his ears trained for any suspicious noises behind him—afraid that Todd had seen him in the park, afraid he would come to exact revenge. That ten minute walk seemed to last an eternity.


	11. Chapter 11

Vic was in too deep—in way too deep. Todd had been suspended for another two weeks, giving Vic and Kellin more time to get closer and closer to one another. After they’d shared that kiss in the skate park, many more followed. Kellin was still reluctant to confirm whether or not they were dating, but he gave Vic a kiss good morning and a kiss goodbye almost every day at school now. They texted all the time and sent each other photos even though Vic had to download them to his laptop and hide them in one of his school folders to keep his dad from finding them. Sometimes Kellin would even send short video clips from his practices, allowing Vic the privilege of hearing him sing. 

Kellin’s voice was so beautiful that Vic just couldn’t stand it. He wanted to be there when Kellin sang, not listen to him through his cell phone’s lousy speaker. 

He wanted to be with Kellin _all the time._ It got so bad he felt shaky at the end of the school day, particularly on Fridays when he knew he wouldn’t be seeing Kellin again for a while. 

Meanwhile, his mother was asking more and more questions about “Kelly” and why Vic couldn’t show off a picture of her when they were texting all the time. Saying Kelly was camera shy didn’t work—not in the era of selfies and social media—but that was the only explanation Vic could give. His mother grew suspicious, his father grew suspicious, but Vic refused to take their skepticism seriously. He couldn’t.

Kellin was his drug and Vic refused to late shame or fear keep him from getting his next fix—whatever form it may take. A hug, a kiss, a hand on his knee or his thigh under the table. Every little touch felt like the best high in the world.

But it wasn’t ever enough… It just wasn’t enough. 

Vic needed more, but he was unable to ask for it—or plead for it. Not just because his father would never allow him to have any significant amount of time away from the house, but also due to Kellin’s trauma. That wasn’t something which could just be washed away, but the same could be said about the lust Vic harbored for the other boy. 

His affections were starting to turn into a painful obsession and though he never told Kellin how desperate he was getting, Vic felt like he was losing his mind. All he thought about was Kellin—all he wanted to think about was Kellin.

Kellin became his “happy place,” his reprieve from all the stress his father loaded onto him. There were few pains the thought of Kellin couldn’t banish… Vic was sure it wasn’t healthy, but also reassured himself that once Kellin just admitted they were “official,” all his doubts and anxieties would fade away. Then he could stop worrying that Kellin would one day stop texting him, stop acknowledging him, stop considering him a friend out of the blue. Vic told himself if he could just be patient and let things grow at their own slow pace, all his dreams would be realized. 

He told himself all of this, but it didn’t make the nights alone any easier. Vic was starting to get so frustrated that he was positive he spent more hours with his hand down the front of his pajama pants than he did actually sleeping. His own touch just didn’t do the trick anymore, no matter what fantasies he had in his head. 

When stroking himself stopped being enough, Vic let his hands wander lower—eventually slipping fingers inside himself, experimenting with different touches while daydreaming he could try them on Kellin. In his imagination, Kellin wasn’t so skittish or shy. In his fantasies, Kellin wanted him. Kellin wanted touched, wanted kissed—wanted _fucked._

But then, once those fantasies ended, Vic always felt guilty for thinking of Kellin that way. If Kellin knew the thoughts he had, he would never stay around—he’d never make them official. He’d think Vic was like Todd and it would all be over… He’d think Vic was just a desperate pervert, a freak—a threat.

On and on and. The cycle never seemed to end. Vic would get up, go to school and get a kiss from the attractive boy who refused to be his boyfriend, dwell on it during his classes, get a kiss goodbye, and then spend all night pining for more than simple kisses. 

His friends teased him—Mike in particular—but there was nothing Vic could say in his own defense. He _was_ pathetic. He _was_ desperate. He _was_ absolutely hung up on Kellin. 

Nothing was going to change that. Not a rumor, not a picture Todd started sending around the school, not anything. 

He was miserable every second he and Kellin were apart and elated whenever they were together. He wanted Kellin so much it made him sick. 

If only he could have him—or part of him. Any little piece Kellin would be willing to offer, Vic would graciously take. If only he would offer more than gentle kisses.

If only…

( ) ( ) ( )

The first realization had been hard. He liked Vic.

The second realization was harder still. He liked Vic more than he’d _ever_ liked Todd.

But the third idea which struck him hit harder than anything else. He loved Vic. 

He loved him. Kellin loved him. He loved Vic’s smile and how different they all were. He had a smile for when something humored him that was different from when _Kellin_ humored him. He smiled a certain way when Tony would tell jokes at lunch, and smiled brighter whenever Kellin would touch him. 

Whenever Vic was with him, Kellin felt so warm inside. He felt valuable instead of worthless—desirable instead of ugly.

It was soon, but Kellin couldn’t help himself. Todd had ripped a hole in his chest and Vic’s affections filled that space so easily. Todd had dumped him in early September and it was now late November. That was enough time, right? He wasn’t rushing into a relationship too soon, was he? 

Did it matter? Vic wanted him and Kellin wanted him just as much. Why fight it? 

But as soon as he let himself start getting caught up in feeling happy, something always happened which called him back down from cloud nine. And it always had to do with Todd. 

With that in the back of his mind, it really came as no surprise when the Sunday before Todd was set to come back from his two week suspension, he sent Kellin a text. 

_Has he fucked u yet?_

Kellin groaned and set his phone aside, refusing to take the bait. What he and Vic did or _didn’t_ do was none of Todd’s business. Ignoring the text just made Todd send more. 

_Hope u liked getting 2 kno him :)_

That message made Kellin suspicious and as soon as the anxiety settled in his stomach, he had no choice but to text back.

“What do you want?”

_Thought u should kno ur little bf’s secret._

Kellin stared at the text a long time, trying to push down the fear it sparked in him. Todd was just trying to get a rise out of him, but Kellin was painfully accustomed to answering Todd when he demanded his attention and he found himself typing a reply.

“What are you talking about?”

_Ur bf is in BIG trouble._

Kellin let out a heavy sigh and squeezed his eyes shut. Todd was going to cause problems at school tomorrow, Kellin knew it. If only he could text Vic and warn him… 

_Did u kno his parents use that restaurant 2 launder drug money?_

“That’s not true,” Kellin texted. That couldn’t be true. Vic’s father was too worried about his sons getting into trouble at school to be some kind of big name drug dealer. He would want his kids in on the family business if he was, right? 

_Is 2. I saw ur spic selling drugs 2 some chick at the skate park and she didn’t pay cash. If U kno what I mean ;)_

“That’s not true! Don’t go spreading lies about Vic! No matter what you say I won’t believe you.” 

_U will C ;)_

Kellin backed out of the texts and clicked on Vic’s name. He needed to warn him, but Vic’s father had a habit of going through his phone and checking his messages. What if he saw Vic texting two hours after he was supposed to have gone to bed? The very _least_ he would do is ground him and Kellin didn’t want to lose contact…and he didn’t want Vic beaten either.

He’d opened up a few days ago about being struck and how much it hurt him, how low it made him feel. Kellin didn’t ever want to be the cause of that happening to him. But he didn’t want Vic to walk right into another one of Todd’s traps tomorrow either. 

“Todd’s up to something,” he said, knowing Vic wouldn’t answer. “Please be careful tomorrow. I’m really worried.”

Kellin kept his eyes on his phone, hoping to see a notification pop up from Vic though one never came. All night he stared at that screen. All night.

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic spent most of his morning struggling to keep Kellin calm. Todd had apparently begun texting him the night before making threats and, for whatever reason, they’d gotten under Kellin’s skin. He wouldn’t believe Vic no matter how many times he tried to reassure him that nothing bad was going to happen. If Todd punched him again—or anyone else for that matter—he would be expelled. _Permanently._

Vic almost wished Todd _would_ punch him, just to get Todd out of their school for good. Things were so much better with him gone. Vic hadn’t even got his good morning kiss when he got to school today because Todd had upset Kellin so much. 

That bothered Vic more than Todd’s threats. He depended on those kisses. He spent all weekend pining for Kellin’s touch and now all he was getting were nervous looks… Even in gym Kellin didn’t want touched by him in even the smallest way. He was so anxious it turned him aggressive—making him snap at Vic every time he tried to get too close. Vic tried to be understanding, but it still hurt to be dismissed that way. 

In Art class, Vic learned to keep his hands to himself and didn’t bother to try holding hands under the desk. Kellin was a nervous wreck the entire period and kept checking his cell phone, even after the teacher reprimanded him and warned him to stop.

Todd was texting him and for whatever reason Kellin was compelled to answer him every time. Vic told him he didn’t have to reply to Todd, but Kellin would just shake his head. Todd had a strong hold over Kellin, stronger than Vic ever imagined. Even if Todd had dumped him, if he told Kellin to jump, Kellin jumped. 

“What’s he even saying?” Vic asked, looking up from his poor excuse for a negative space project. Kellin was staring at his phone, chewing on his bottom lip.

“I don’t know…”

“You don’t—”

“He just keeps telling me about his uncle being friends with the district’s superintendent. I don’t…” Kellin moaned anxiously and typed a reply to Todd. He wasn’t even trying to hide that he was using his phone in class and Vic was surprised their teacher hadn’t taken his phone away from him yet. 

“He’s just messing with you. Why are you even answering him?”

“Because I need to know what he’s doing. He’s _up to something._ I need to know…”

“What he’s up to is getting in your head and making you freak out. That’s all he’s trying to do,” Vic said softly. “Come on, Kell… It’s nothing.”

Kellin looked up at him, his eyes showing his fear but also a small bit of hope. He wanted to believe what Vic was saying, but his past with Todd seemed to make it impossible for him to shake that fear. 

“It’s nothing,” Vic repeated, keeping eye contact with Kellin until the screen of Kellin’s phone lit up again and Todd tore away his attention.

“He says we’re going to have a drug raid this period,” Kellin mumbled, typing a slow reply. 

“A drug raid?” Vic asked. They’d never had anything like that at LHS. But then again, a drug raid would result in nearly a third of the student body being arrested. If the cops ever did show up, it was because one of the students was known to be dealing narcotics and the “raid” was a front to hide which student was the intended target. 

“They do one or two a year…” Kellin kept trying to add more, but he was pausing and trailing off as he texted Todd a reply. 

“Stop talking to him,” Vic snapped. “He’s trying to freak you out. That’s all he wants.”

“I’m _scared,_ Vic,” Kellin said, looking at him with hurt. “He’s not one to make threats and not follow through. He knows something.”

“So we have a drug raid—so what? Do you think he planted something in your locker?” Vic asked, not really taking his own question seriously until Kellin looked up from his phone and stared at him. Kellin’s eyes went terribly wide, as if he’d realized something—or remembered something. “What’s the matter?”

Kellin looked down at his phone, then looked up at Vic. His face had gone pale and before he could start to speak, the building’s fire alarms started buzzing and chirping. The teacher calmly, indifferently instructed the class to put their projects away into their folders and moments later the principal’s voice was doling out instructions over the loud speaker. 

They were entering a lockdown for a practice armed intruder drill. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Kellin sat closer to Vic on the floor than he really should have, considering the teacher and other students were watching them. In compliance with the drill, they all had to leave their desks and sit along the wall out of sight from the doorway with the lights off. Everyone was to stay quiet, putting on the guise that the room was empty in case the “intruder” walked by. 

Vic put an arm around him when Kellin had started shaking, reassuring him that nothing bad was going to happen. He just didn’t understand… When Todd made threats like this, they were never empty. 

Something bad was going to happen. Something very bad was going to happen to _Vic,_ but Kellin didn’t know what to do or how to warn him—or if he even could warn him. Part of him wanted to jump up and tell the teacher that Todd had something wicked planned, but his rational mind knew it would do no good. How could he warn against a threat he knew nothing about? 

All he could do was bury his face in Vic’s shoulder and pray that Vic was right, pray that for once Todd’s threats were just talk. He was almost in tears by the time the “drill” had ended, his breaths coming in shaky bursts as he snuggled into Vic’s side. 

Vic kept an arm around him as they got to their feet once the drill reached its close, and even kissed his cheek as they shuffled toward the classroom door.

“See? Nothing bad happened,” he said.

Kellin couldn’t respond to him. He was still terrified. And rightfully so.

As soon as they stepped into the hallway, his eyes landed on two police officers and the principal. They were talking to one another while watching the students make their way out of the classroom. The students, in turn, watched them—especially when the principal stepped forward and tapped Vic on the shoulder.

Vic looked so startled and quickly took his arm out from around Kellin’s shoulders. He started apologizing, apparently believing the only reason the principal wanted his attention was to scold him and Kellin for PDA.

“Come with me,” the principal said, his face blank—not even stern. 

“What?—Why?” Vic asked, looking from the principal to Kellin. 

“Come with me,” the principal repeated. 

Kellin grabbed Vic’s hand when he started to follow the principal’s instructions, calling the attention on to himself. 

“You don’t need to come,” the principal said sternly. 

Kellin squeezed Vic’s hand a little harder, then let go and started down the hall. He felt sick. He felt like he was about to die. He knew what was happening and was trying to think of something he could do to stop it. He didn’t want to leave Vic behind… He didn’t want to stand back while Todd got Vic expelled for something he _didn’t_ do.

Instead of going to his next class, Kellin ducked into Nurse Susan’s office. 

He had to do something… He _had_ to do something. 

( ) ( ) ( )

He should have listened to Kellin. He should’ve listened—he should’ve taken him seriously. It was obvious Kellin knew the sort of games Todd was playing and Vic had grossly underestimated them. 

He had police officers standing behind him and a baggie full of marijuana sitting on the principal’s desk in front of him. He was _going_ to be arrested. He was _going_ to be put in handcuffs and walked out of the school. 

He was getting expelled—his brother could very well be getting expelled. 

The only reason he hadn’t been taken into custody yet was because they wanted to know where he got the drugs and if he had more—and where did he have it, and who was he planning to sell it to? 

All Vic could manage to say was “it’s not mine.” Over and over he said the same three words, begging them to believe him when all they wanted to do was remind him that they found it in his locker—his secured locker. If it wasn’t his, then who else had his locker combination?

He stammered again and again that the drugs weren’t his, tried to point the finger at Todd, but nothing helped. No one wanted to listen to him—especially not now that they thought he was just another Mexican LHS drug fiend who wanted to sell drugs to the good, white students of their pristine school. 

Vic felt so horrified, so choked up and just _wounded._ This place was supposed to be his fresh beginning. This place was supposed to have been the greatest opportunity of his life. Now it had turned into a nightmare. _Todd_ had turned it into a nightmare. He’d never been in trouble with the law in his life, now there were two officers breathing down his neck—ready to take him into custody. _Custody!_ He’d never even gotten a detention before…

He was so terrified he was about to be arrested, imprisoned—tried and sentenced to jail time or fined for money his family didn’t have. All because he’d gotten close to Kellin and Todd didn’t like it. All because he’d found someone to love him and Todd didn’t want to share.

“You keep trying to say this isn’t yours, but the evidence is overwhelming—it’s in your locker with your books and your belongings.”

“But… But _where_ in my locker? In my… In my backpack?”

“Well no,” the principal said, looking down at his desk suddenly and breaking eye contact. 

“Then… Then was it under my hat or with my phone?”

“Your phone?” The principal looked at him again, confusion on his face.

“Yeah. I keep my phone under my hat in my locker. Is there where _this_ came from?” Vic asked looking down at the small bag of drugs. 

The police officers even shared a look before the principal spoke again.

“We went through your locker and your backpack but a phone wasn’t one of your personal items.”

“My phone—My phone is missing? Th-that’s proof then! I don’t have it on me. You can check! Wh-whoever did this took my phone and planted the drugs. It was _Todd._ You have to believe me!”

The officers went through his book bag again, then searched him, then left to check his brother’s locker and Mike’s bag. They couldn’t find a cell phone. 

Vic’s anxiety just climbed higher and higher. There was no doubt that Todd had been the one to plant the drugs in his locker, but now he had his cell phone as well—and access to everything in it since his father refused to let him set a passcode. Even though it was so obvious to him that his locker had been broken into, the principal and the police officers refused to see it that way. They continued to tell him he could be arrested, they continued threatening him with expulsion. It could all go away if he just told them who he got the drugs from and who he intended to share them with. If he was compliant he could just be suspended for two weeks and entered into a teen drug awareness program for five hundred dollars a month. 

“It’s really not mine though,” Vic argued. “Someone stole my phone! Whoever got in my locker is the one who put the drugs there.”

“And you think it’s Todd—but why would Todd plant drugs in your locker?”

“Because he wants me out of here! He wants me away from Kellin.” 

Vic felt as though all the walls were closing in on him. No matter what, he was going to be put through hell. He would either be expelled and jailed or suspended and fined—and either way his father would know. Either way his father was going to beat him. _Severely._ And even if he somehow did convince them all that the drugs weren’t his and they found Todd responsible, Kellin was going to be brought into the mix. Vic’s father was going to find out that “Kelly” was Kellin and he would get beaten half to death for that—he knew it. 

He was as good as dead.

The principal started asking him again about the drugs, overlooking the missing phone altogether. He was badgered and interrogated—even the officers joining in to tell him the horrors of jail, how he’d be locked in with the murderers and rapists. Is that what he wanted?—No? Then he’d better start talking.

They had him in tears before the principal even picked up the phone and started dialing his father’s number. The principal made a point to put the call on speaker when his father did answer, making it so Vic had to hear every word. 

Vic had his head down, buried in his hands to hide his tears as the call progressed. Everything was looking so bleak and hopeless. No matter how this played out, he was dead. He would either go to jail and get beaten or get suspended and get beaten. 

Though maybe if he went into the jail he could find a way to off himself before his dad could get ahold of him. He could hang himself somehow… All his problems would be gone and it would almost be peaceful—right?

Anything would be better than what was inevitably going to happen when his father got his hands on him. 

“Maybe he can get you talking,” the principal said after the phone had been returned to the hook.

Vic, again, whispered that the drugs weren’t his. It was all he could do in his own defense. They didn’t want to take him seriously when he asked about who had stolen his phone and ignored his concerns altogether. 

( ) ( ) ( )

The cold tile of the bathroom floor felt nice against Kellin’s flushed cheek. He tried to focus on that instead of the unending nausea twisting his stomach, but it hardly worked to distract him. He was thankful that his mother’s task over the weekend had been to clean the bathrooms so he didn’t have to feel filthy as he laid there. 

He was so worried about Vic. He couldn’t get him to answer his phone and tell him how things had played out in the principal’s office. When he’d gotten there, Vic was crying and they’d just gotten off the phone with Vic’s father. 

Nurse Susan came with him and showed the principal the texts Kellin had been getting from Todd. The principal and officers agreed that Todd seemed to know something, but they still couldn’t _prove_ the drugs weren’t Vic’s. They would take the text messages into account, however. Clearly Todd knew Vic had drugs in his locker, so he would be sat down and questioned as well. That didn’t mean Vic was in any way out of trouble, though, and Kellin had been made to leave on that note.

Nurse Susan insisted that they’d been helpful, that he’d done all he could, but Kellin didn’t feel it was enough. He was scared. He was so, so scared. He didn’t want Vic expelled and he didn’t want him arrested—and he didn’t want him grounded or beaten by his father either. Kellin just _knew_ Vic had been beaten though. He could feel it. 

Maybe that was for the best, though. At least if he were at home getting beaten he wasn’t in jail being raped. Kellin would never forgive himself if Vic got sent to jail over him and got assaulted. He didn’t want Vic to go through that pain. He didn’t want anyone to go through that…except maybe Todd. Let him see what it feels like to be so helpless…

Was that how Vic felt now? Helpless? 

Was he scared?

It was driving Kellin mad. He just wanted to hear from him, but he was positive Vic’s phone had been taken from again. His father would beat him and ground him and take his phone away—take away Kellin’s only ability to find out what had happened to him unless, by some miracle, he was at school tomorrow. 

The stress got to be too much again and Kellin pulled himself up from the floor in order to start gagging over the toilet bowl. He couldn’t take much more of this. He need Vic—he needed to know he was _alright._

But he _wasn’t_ alright. He wasn’t. Vic had been _crying_ in the principal’s office. Kellin _never_ wanted to see him like that again. He wanted him happy—he wanted him smiling like he had been at the skate park, like he was every morning when Kellin kissed him.

He forgot to kiss him before school this morning…

That thought made him start crying again as he sank back down onto the floor, his cheek pressed against the cold tile. He forgot to kiss Vic this morning and now he was never going to see him again. 

He was still sniffling when he heard his phone chirp from its place on the bathroom counter. Kellin pulled himself up as quickly as he could and reached for it, his heart leaping when he saw the name on his screen.

_Vic!_

The message was a simple “hey,” but it was something and that was all Kellin needed. 

“Are you Ok??? What happened?? ?” 

Kellin’s heart pounded as he waited for a reply.

_I got expelled._

Kellin felt the words like a punch in the gut. Expelled? No! How could the possibly happen? Kellin tried to ask for more details, but Vic’s replies stayed short and cold, even when Kellin apologized and begged forgiveness. He didn’t mean to be the source of so much trouble, he didn’t mean to ruin Vic’s life. 

“Is your dad really angry?” Kellin asked, even though he knew the man must be. 

_What do U think?_ Vic said, his words cutting into Kellin’s chest like a blade.

“I’m so sorry ): I wish I could help. I’m told them it was Todd. I showed the texts. I’m sorry Vic!!!” 

_U want 2 help?_

“I’d do anything,” Kellin said, sniffling as he pulled himself up from the floor. He stumbled back into his bedroom and curled up on his bed, staring at his phone screen in the dark as he waited for a reply. He didn’t know where this was going to lead, but he guessed it was a good sign that Vic still wanted to talk to him—was still allowed to talk to him… Though his responses seemed kind of rushed. 

_Anything?_ Vic asked.

“If it would help ): Yea,” Kellin replied. 

_Want 2 send me pics?? Theyd make me feel better._

Kellin’s stomach tightened a bit more as he stared at the request. Vic had never asked him for any kind of photos before… In fact, he’d said he couldn’t keep any of them on his phone because his dad might see them.

But then again, maybe his father had gone to bed. It was late… Maybe he’d beaten Vic and left him with his phone or had simply forgotten to take it from him. If Vic was hurting, Kellin didn’t want to deny him a selfie if that was all it took to make him happy again.

“I’m kind of a mess,” Kellin texted back, wiping his cheeks on his blankets. He didn’t even want to know how red his face was or how bloodshot his eyes were. 

_??_

Kellin rolled onto his back as he explained he’d been crying and sick. He knew it made him sound pathetic, but he couldn’t lie and wanted Vic to know how sorry he was and how greatly this affected him. 

_I dnt need 2 c ur face._

That was Vic’s answer. He wanted photos but he didn’t want selfies… Kellin couldn’t believe it. This wasn’t like Vic at all. This wasn’t like the Vic who took over fifteen minutes to work up the courage to kiss him at the skate park. 

Kellin sent him a frowning emoji and pulled his blankets tightly around his shoulders. 

_Thought U wanted 2 help me feel bettr. Guess I was wrong._

“I do!” Kellin said, groaning as his stomach twisted up more and more. He was going to have to do it, wasn’t he? It was his fault Vic was even in this situation…

_Send me pics. I need U._

Kellin whined and pulled his blankets tighter and tighter. 

“Of what?” Kellin texted back, his heart pounding. He didn’t want to do what Vic was asking of him. 

_U kno ;)_

“I don’t see how that will help you though,” Kellin said. 

_Ur ex got me expelled. I want what U gave him._

“Vic this makes me really uncomfortable ): I don’t want to.” Something was wrong. Kellin knew something wasn’t right… It almost didn’t seem like Vic was the one texting him. 

_Fine. Enjoy being single then._

Kellin felt like he’d been slapped. How could Vic make that kind of request? How could he…? He knew what Todd had done to him, so how could he put Kellin in the same situation again? 

Kellin texted Vic back, begging for him to ask for something else—anything else. He wanted to be helpful but he just didn’t feel comfortable enough to send pictures like that…he’d probably never feel that comfortable again in his life. 

Vic just didn’t back down. He guilt tripped and insulted until Kellin, in tears, did what he asked. He didn’t want Vic to hate him. They’d probably never see each other again now that Vic was expelled, but he didn’t want it all to end on a bad note. 

_U cant get hard 4 me?_

“No ): I told you I’m uncomfortable. Can we stop now?”

_Finger urself._

The text was enough to make Kellin gag. He _couldn’t_ do that. Vic would know that! 

_U got me expelled. I want 2 c U stuffed._

Kellin didn’t answer but the texts kept coming. 

_Want U full._

_R U Listening?_

_U want dumped??_

_No one even likes U. Ur lucky I wasted this much time on U._

_Slut._

_Ur disgusting. I’m sorry I ever fucked U._

Kellin’s mouth ran dry as he stared at the screen. This wasn’t Vic. He’d sent a photograph to someone who _wasn’t_ Vic—someone he’d _known_ wasn’t Vic from the start. Why had he second guessed himself? Was he really that dumb?—Was he really incapable of telling Vic from _Todd?_

“Todd?”

_Guess Ur not that dumb ;)_ Immediately following that text, Kellin was faced with the photo he’d taken of himself. _U might want 2 check ur Facebook._

“No,” Kellin whispered, shaking as he backed out of the text conversation and brought up his Facebook profile. Immediately his eyes went wide. He had over fifteen messages in his inbox, even more notifications, and a timeline full of photos of himself all posted by Vic—by Todd posing as Vic. 

At first there were only two photos, but then more and more kept popping up faster than Kellin could untag himself. All the while he kept getting more and more notifications and messages—even one from his _grandmother_ who had seen the images popping up in her feed. 

“Kellin! What the hell have you done!?” 

Kellin stiffened at the sound of his mother’s voice, terrified and trapped as he listened to her stomp up the stairs.

He looked from his bedroom doorway back down at his phone. He had no choice but to block Vic to get the messages and photos to stop posting to his wall, and even though he knew it wasn’t Vic he was really blocking it still hurt. If Todd had Vic’s phone, what else was he doing with it?—Besides posting explicit photographs and boasting in gross detail his ‘love’ for Kellin’s body. 

“Kellin, would you mind telling me why your _penis_ is all over Facebook right now!? Who the hell is this kid?—What in the world were you _thinking!?”_

Kellin kept getting tongue-tied and choked up as he tried to explain it to her what had happened with Vic and _Todd._ She didn’t follow his story at all—she just wanted to know why there were photos of him in various stages of undress all over his Facebook wall. 

Things went from bad to worse, too, when she snatched his cell phone out of his hand and saw his messages. She skipped over the part of the conversation where Kellin identified Todd posing as Vic and settled for screaming at him for sending the photo. 

Was he dumb? Was he an idiot? What was _wrong_ with him, she asked. He was grounded. He was to clean up his Facebook and then hand over his phone and his laptop. He could have his laptop back for homework, but otherwise he wasn’t to have access to it until he learned to think before sending nudes to some guy he “hardly knows.”

“I can’t believe you’d do this! You nearly gave your poor grandmother a heart attack! I hope you’re happy!”

She left him then, taking his phone with her as she stomped back downstairs. 

Kellin, still shaking, grabbed his laptop and was faced with more horror as he logged into his Facebook account. Blocking Vic’s account only worked to stop more pictures from posting, but he had to go through and delete almost ten separate images from his wall. He had messages in his inbox from his grandmother (whom he apologized to profusely and told the most explicit photos were not of him, hoping she’d believe him since they didn’t include his face) and Justin and several of his other friends. What caught his attention most was a message from Jaime.

That made him nervous.

_Hey. Vic’s phone was stolen from his locker when your ex put drugs in it and got him suspended for two weeks. They said there wasn’t enough to warrant expulsion. His dad is PISSED. Mike asked me to tell you what’s happening. You got them both in trouble. Not much else to say._

Kellin could practically feel Jaime’s hatred for him coming from each and every word. The accusation was present in every line. _Your_ ex-. _You_ got them in trouble. 

He couldn’t have made Kellin feel any guiltier. This had been sent before the photos had started popping up and now Kellin could only imagine what horror Vic had in store for him when his father saw those posts. Even if Vic could tell his father the posts were made by whoever had his phone, the man probably wouldn’t listen. He was the type of man to beat his son for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Vic was in for a horrible night and Kellin felt so devastated. 

How were they going to pull through this? Vic wasn’t going to want anything to do with him now and Kellin was going to be alone—all alone. Todd will have won. Todd will have taken everything from him. 

Everything.


	12. Chapter 12

Vic couldn’t bear to move his legs or try to roll over. He felt sick to his stomach, but other than that all he could feel was a burning, pulsating pain that overcame his every limb. His head hurt, his back hurt, his chest hurt… His thighs _really_ hurt. He’d never been struck so hard in his life—or so many times in one day. His father would leave his room for a half hour—or two hours at most—and then come back and beat him more, beat him _harder._

First it was for causing trouble, for attracting so much attention at his school. Then it was for having the drugs—for using drugs and selling them even though his father had rallied in his defense at the school.

His father had argued that his sons knew better than to touch drugs, demanded that the police officers have that bag of marijuana tested for finger prints to prove Vic’s innocence, then took his sons home and beat them both for it. Vic realized after the first round that his father didn’t care whether he was innocent of the crime or not. His father wasn’t hitting him for discipline—he struck Vic because he was angry and needed to vent. 

Vic became his punching bag. Mike became his punching bag… Mike hadn’t even done anything but he got it twice. Listening to him getting struck with the belt was almost as traumatizing as receiving the blows himself. Vic felt so guilty, so sick with self-loathing. 

Jaime had warned him. Tony had warned him. _Kellin_ had warned him. How had he still managed to underestimate Todd? Why did he let himself get caught up in useless affection? Didn’t he realize no good could come of it? 

Love wasn’t _real._ Not in any form. Not from any _one._

His father used to claim to love him… He said it when he was a child, said it when he gifted him his electric guitar… But it was all lies. Love didn’t make a man take a belt to his son until he had bruises so dark they were nearly black. 

Love didn’t make a mother stay downstairs while it happened, refusing to intervene. She hadn’t even come to check on him. Typically after a beating she’d sneak into his bedroom with a glass of water or milk and try to offer comfort. She would rub his back and mumble about how sorry she was his father was so hard on him… She would say she _loved_ him and hoped this didn’t have to happen again.

Tonight she said nothing. Tonight she didn’t even show her face.

Why would she? Her son was an addict—a drug dealer. Her son was a faggot who’d lied and said he had a girlfriend when in reality he’d been pining after someone else’s boyfriend.

The hardest beating he’d gotten came after his father saw the explicit photos pop up on his Facebook profile. Vic had tried so hard to tell him what had happened, to honestly explain why Todd was doing this, but the man didn’t want to hear it. He forced Vic to sit at the kitchen table no matter how badly sitting in the hard chair hurt him and clean up his profile, changing the password and hoping Todd wouldn’t be able to get back in. As soon as the last of the photos had been deleted, Vic’s father sent him back upstairs to his room and laid into him again. 

Halfway through the beating, Vic confessed the truth in hopes it would make his father _stop._ He couldn’t take any more. The searing pain of the leather biting into the backs of thighs left stars in his vision. He became lightheaded and was almost positive he was going to pass out before the blows stopped. 

His father gave him bruises on top of bruises, broke open his flesh, called him names… 

Vic regretted admitting he was involved with another boy. He was sorry he confessed that Kellin—whose nudes ended up all over his Facebook—was the “Kelly” he’d been talking to at school. He wished he’d bitten his tongue instead of revealing that he’d brought all of this on himself by messing with a psychopath’s ex-boyfriend.

As he lay in bed, trying to sleep while the waves of pain fought to keep him awake, Vic wished he and Kellin had never met. 

The love he thought they had wasn’t real. Kellin didn’t love him—couldn’t love him. Love wasn’t real. Whatever Vic thought he’d been feeling for the other boy was just misdirected lust and loneliness. He didn’t know why Kellin wanted to spend time with him, but he imagined it just had to do with loneliness as well. Loneliness wasn’t love…

Love wasn’t real.

The thought haunted him as he lay on his stomach on top of his blankets. It felt as though everything he’d held dear had been ripped from him in a matter of hours. He used to say he loved his parents. His father was strict and they’d never been close, but he respected him—he looked up to him. Earning his praise was one of the greatest honors in Vic’s life, and now he was sure that would never happen again. And his mother? She’d always been one of his favorite people. He wanted to be close to her whenever he got the chance. He helped her with meals and chores because he wanted to make things easier for her—to pay her back for caring for him when he was a child.

He used to say he loved them… But love didn’t exist. His parents used him. He and Mike were just cheap labor for the restaurant and free labor for the house. They were the unintended outcome of their parents’ “love.”

Lust and loneliness…and dependency. That was what people mistook for love, Vic realized. The reason his heart leapt when Kellin would smile at him was because he hoped he was someone important in the boy’s life—dreaming he could be anything other than worthless. Dreaming that someone beautiful like Kellin could see value in him when his father had convinced him he was nothing. 

Vic knew the truth now though. He _was_ nothing. 

After today, he had no friends and he had no family. All he had was pain—excruciating, mind-numbing pain—and the fear that first thing the next morning his father would come into his bedroom and deliver more of the same.

( ) ( ) ( )

Kellin didn’t want any part of this, but he had nowhere to run and his mother told him the only way to get his phone and laptop back was to talk to her. She’d gone through his text messages and saw the ones from Todd threatening him and Vic. Now she wanted to discuss it and Kellin had no way to dodge her questions. 

His secret was out. All of his secrets but one were out, really, and he was scared he wasn’t going to be able to preserve the last shreds of his dignity once his mother started her questioning. He knew she was still mad at him (or “disappointed” as she liked to put it), and feared that her questioning was going to turn into yelling and scolding when he didn’t tell her everything she wanted to know.

As soon as he was seated on the couch beside her, she asked about Todd and what they “really” were. She obviously already knew and Kellin didn’t feel like answering. She went through his phone, she had to know that Todd was his ex-boyfriend by now. Why did he have to say it out loud?

“Are you going to talk to me or not?” His mother snapped.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Kellin mumbled.

“Lose the attitude.”

“I don’t have one…”

“Just tell me what’s going on between you and Todd,” his mother pressed, as if telling her anything would make a difference. 

“Nothing.”

“Really? _Really,_ Kellin? Him stealing your friend’s phone and posting your nudes all over Facebook is _nothing!?”_

“They weren’t mine though,” Kellin said, staring at the floor. 

“Do you think I’m stupid? I saw the one you sent him—I saw where you sent it to him, and I saw it on your Facebook.”

“I thought it was Vic!”

“That shouldn’t make a difference! I raised you better than that. You don’t need to be sending pictures like that to anyone! I don’t care if they’re a boy or a girl!—Don’t do it again.”

“I _won’t!”_ Kellin snapped, shame eating away at him. He didn’t like being talked to this way. He’d obviously learned his lesson, so why couldn’t she just drop it? 

“So tell me what happened with Todd. You two were joined at the hip a few months ago, then what? You broke up?”

“Obviously…”

“I told you to lose the attitude!”

“I can’t help it! I don’t know what you want me to say! Todd and I dated, then we broke up, and now he’s gone crazy!” He knew he should be thankful that his mother wasn’t focusing on the fact that he’d had a boyfriend and hid it from her, but the entire topic made him anxious. She was going to want to know about what happened between them and he didn’t want to talk about it. Vic was the only person he wanted to know about that… 

“Did you break up with him?”

“Mom…”

“Why don’t you want to talk about it?”

“Why do you _want_ to talk about it?”

“Because a year ago I had a happy teenage son who liked to go out and have friends over—now all he does is hide in his room and take showers three times a day. What did that kid do to you?”

“Nothing,” Kellin said, the anxiety mounting in his chest. He didn’t want to talk about his showers. He didn’t want to talk about how Todd made him feel unclean.

“Kellin… Why won’t you talk to me?”

“Because there’s nothing to say. We broke up—”

“If that’s all that was going on, I wouldn’t bother you. But there’s more to it and I know it. Did you dump him for Vic?”

“Todd dumped me…”

“Oh… So he’s probably jealous that you’ve got Vic?—And he doesn’t have anyone?”

“I don’t know,” Kellin whined, turning away from her. 

“Well he seems pretty serious about getting back at you for something.”

There it was. Her judgement. Todd was cruel to him, now what did he do to bring that kind of resentment? What did he do to make Todd treat him this way? 

Vic never said that kind of thing. Vic always said Todd was just crazy and controlling. Vic never blamed Kellin for what happened…

“Or does he just hate Vic?”

“Vic’s Mexican. Todd doesn’t like that,” Kellin muttered. 

His mother tried to change her tactics, going from coldly digging for information to teasing Kellin for going for an “exotic” boy. She was probably just trying to show that she was okay with him—accepting of him—but it made Kellin uncomfortable. He had the very worst nights of his life playing over in his mind and he didn’t want to hear his mother going on about tan skin and dark hair. She didn’t understand. Kellin liked _Vic._ He liked him as a person, not as a _Hispanic_ person or a _half_ Hispanic person. He just liked _him._

And he was _worried_ about him… He didn’t like being away from Vic on a good day let alone a night like this. 

“Can I ask you one last thing about Todd, Kellin?—I know you’re uncomfortable, but I just need to ask.”

“What?” Kellin already knew what she wanted to ask.

“That night at the football game, when you came home all bruised up. That was Todd, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Kellin whispered.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Her voice was gentle and inviting, but Kellin refused to forget the judgement she’d harbored before. She just wanted to know what he did to make Todd that angry with him. “Kellin?”

“Can I have my phone back now?” 

His mother sighed irritably and set the phone down on his lap.

“Fine. But if I find out you’ve sent more of those photos, I’m taking it again and you’re _not_ getting it back.”

“Fine,” Kellin mumbled, grabbing his pone and checking his messages. Todd was still harassing him from Vic’s number, calling him a slut among other things. “Mom?”

“What?”

“Do you think… Could you tell the police that Todd has Vic’s phone? He stole it from his and there’s this whole thing going on at school. It’d help Vic get out of trouble.”

“We can tell your principal, but I’m not getting the cops involved. Delete that photo off your phone and I’ll go in before work tomorrow to discuss it. Alright?”

Kellin nodded.

“And delete those _other_ messages too. We don’t need your principal knowing what you and your boyfriends get into. _I_ don’t need to know what you and your boyfriends get into.”

“Fine,” Kellin mumbled, standing from the couch and taking his phone with him into his room where he could be alone. He checked his Facebook which had thankfully gone quiet, but felt sick to his stomach when he got a notification after he logged in. Another message from Jaime. 

He couldn’t even bring himself to read it. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic got his phone back two days after the ordeal. The next day he was told that the cops hadn’t found his fingerprints on the bag of marijuana that had been in his locker. His father dared to come in his bedroom and try to apologize to him, but Vic shouted at him until he left in defeat. He’d never dared raise his voice to his father before, but now he didn’t see the point in showing respect.

He hurt. He hurt _everywhere._ He didn’t want to hear his father’s excuses. Nothing he could say would make up for how much pain he’d caused. 

Vic would _never_ forgive him for this. Never. 

His whole life he’d done everything he could to be the perfect son. He didn’t argue, didn’t backtalk, didn’t ask for special privileges. Hell, he barely even asked if he could leave the house. All he hoped for in return was his father’s love and trust. He wanted his father to believe him when he said he would never do anything to disappoint him or shame him. He wanted his father to know that he would never throw away the opportunities he’d been given—not for drugs or anything.

He didn’t get that, though. He didn’t get love, he didn’t get trust. He got nothing.

No. He got _pain._

He was invited to go back to school after Todd was discovered to have his phone and the drugs proved to have been planted in his locker, but Vic couldn’t go until the next week—at the earliest. He could barely move from how hard he’d been struck, and the shock of being beaten so severely ended up making him sick. He had a terrible sore throat and his nose never stopped running. He was the very definition of miserable and he wished his parents would just leave him alone to suffer. 

He didn’t want his mother to come bother him. He wanted her to just _go away._ She didn’t care about him. She didn’t love him, so why did she insist on touching him? Vic didn’t want her offerings—her food or her apologies.

He hadn’t eaten since the day he’d been suspended. Food had no appeal, and he only drank water to soothe his aching throat. 

Even though he’d gotten his phone back, Vic didn’t use it. He let it go dead, then charged it and left it plugged in for two days on his nightstand. Kellin was probably texting him, but Vic had nothing to say to him. It would just be the same old things it always was—Kellin saying he was sorry and begging forgiveness, Vic saying it was all okay and that he didn’t need to worry.

He didn’t feel like having that discussion. Honestly, he didn’t even know if he wanted Kellin in his life anymore. The boy was nothing but trouble… He may as well just let Todd win. It would be a lot easier than going through this again. 

But he was never going to go through this again. Vic promised himself that. If his father _ever_ tried to touch him again, Vic was going to fight back. He’d call the police if he had to. So what if his dad got arrested? He deserved it. Vic didn’t have to protect him anymore.

“Are you coming to school?” Mike’s voice pulled Vic away from his thoughts and he rolled over to face his bedroom door. 

“Do I look like I’m coming to school?” Vic asked.

“No… But I wish you would. Kellin won’t quit asking about you.”

“So what?”

Mike looked conflicted a moment, then shook his head. “Todd got expelled. He’s not there to cause any more problems.”

“I don’t care. I’m not going. There’s no point.”

“Okay,” Mike said, ducking his head and backing out of the room, closing the door behind him. His usual spark was gone and would be for another week or more. He’d let himself be beaten into submission by their father—the thing Vic refused to let himself succumb to ever again.

He didn’t care if he was gay or if both his parents saw it as an abomination. He was still a human being and you just couldn’t treat people like this.

His father took Mike to school on his way to open the restaurant, and about three hours later his mother left the house as well after bothering Vic some more about eating and taking a shower. She would be back around three o’clock after picking Mike up from school, she said, and asked Vic if there was anything he wanted her to get him from out.

He refused to answer her. All he wanted was for her to go away. 

He wanted left alone, but even that wasn’t a possibility for him. About forty minutes after his mother left the house, his doorbell rang—and kept ringing. Over and over and over until Vic couldn’t stand it and finally pulled himself out of his bed. It hurt so badly to pull on a pair of loose-fitting shorts and the trek down the stairs left him dizzy when he finally reached the door.

As he pulled open the door, he expected to be faced with a salesman of some kind—or some stupid charity or church group determined to bother him within an inch of his life—but instead he was faced with Kellin. 

It surprised him so much he couldn’t say anything. He just stared in surprise as Kellin looked at him nervously. 

“Um… Mike gave me your address. I-I… I wanted to come check on you.”

Vic kept staring at him, taking in how frightened Kellin looked and how the boy kept fidgeting. 

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Vic stepped back from the doorway and allowed Kellin to enter the house. He closed the door quickly behind him, hoping the neighbors hadn’t seen and wouldn’t call his parents. As quickly as the fear entered him, it faded away. So what if someone called his parents? There was nothing more they could do to him and he’d never let himself be struck again. Even so, old habits die hard. “Can you take off your shoes? Just put them on the mat—that mat.”

“You have a nice house,” Kellin said as he carefully set his shoes aside on the mat where Vic kept pointing. 

“Thanks,” Vic said, having little to no energy to put into the conversation. He was tired and walking down the stairs hurt him badly. Going back upstairs was going to be torture but he wasn’t going to be comfortable if he laid on the couch.

“Um… Should—Should I…” Kellin’s question faded off into a nervous hum as he followed Vic up the stairs. When they got to Vic’s room, Kellin hesitated to come inside. He stood in the doorway silently as Vic laid down on his stomach in bed. Kellin didn’t know what to do with himself when Vic wasn’t bathing him in affection. He seemed lost and couldn’t do more than stammer a few words before falling silent again. 

“Won’t the school notice you missing?” Vic asked, propping his head up on his elbow. 

“I had Mom call me off sick.”

“Oh… So how did she handle the whole Facebook thing? That had to be exciting on your end, too,” Vic said. He kept his tone indifferent, but deep down he felt anxiety bite at him. He didn’t like the idea of Kellin getting in trouble at home. 

“She was mad but…nothing came of it, really. She took my laptop away, but that’s all.”

“Well aren’t you lucky,” Vic muttered, letting his head drop back down onto his pillow. It wasn’t fair. On the one hand, he was glad Kellin hadn’t gotten beaten or hurt, but on the other, he wished he’d gotten worse than one revoked privilege. 

“Can I sit with you?” Kellin asked.

“Do whatever you want,” Vic said, shifting over a little to make room. 

Kellin stood next to his bed for a moment before he finally sat down. He looked afraid to be here, but the more Vic dwelled on it, the more he understood. Kellin had to know Vic wasn’t pleased with him. Of course he had reservations about sitting in bed with him—especially after all the things Todd put him through.

“Mike said your dad hurt you…”

“What else is new?” Vic answered. 

“I’m sorry about all his. I really am. I’d do anything to take it back.”

“It’s not your fault your ex- is a psychopath,” Vic said, unable to stand how sad Kellin sounded. Maybe love wasn’t real. Maybe it was all a scheme sold to them by society and Hollywood. Either way, Vic couldn’t handle it when Kellin was sad. 

He liked him. He had affection for him. He didn’t want to see Kellin afraid of him. 

“I should’ve realized he would try something like that.”

“You did everything you could. I don’t blame you for it,” Vic said, scooting closer to Kellin and reaching his hand out to touch Kellin’s thigh. Kellin flinched away from, scooting back an inch or two on the bed. “Sorry I’m not very exciting today. I’m…I’m happy you came to see me, but I can’t really move.” 

“He hurt you really bad, huh?” Kellin asked, looking at Vic sadly and then turning to look at his lap. 

“There was blood. Never had that happen before.”

“He drew blood?” Kellin asked, his already big eyes going wider. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know. I feel like shit.”

“What happened? He didn’t like…push you down the stairs or—”

“No—God, no. He’s not like that. He just—”

“He _beat_ you!”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Then don’t say he’s _not like that._ He hurt you really bad!”

“I _know,”_ Vic said. “It won’t happen again. You can trust me on that. If he touches me again… Shit, I’ll probably kill him.”

Kellin made a sad noise in the back of his throat, then surprised Vic by laying down beside him. Vic rolled onto his side, pulling away a little, only to have Kellin snuggle up to his chest and drape an arm over him. It shocked him because Kellin was so reluctant to show any kind of physical intimacy, making even kisses difficult sometimes. He’d been nervous and anxious as soon as he set foot in Vic’s house, but now he was snuggling Vic in his bed like nothing had even happened. 

Vic hesitated to hold him in return, but eventually gave in. He wanted to be close to someone and having Kellin with him worked wonders on his frayed nerves. Kellin was warm and soft and his soft breaths felt good on Vic’s neck. 

“I wish I could help you,” Kellin said, his lips dangerously close to Vic’s throat. It made goosebumps raise on his arms, but Vic tried to play it off. 

“Having you here helps a little bit,” Vic mumbled, kissing Kellin’s forehead. It was a little easier to forget his sore throat when they were snuggled this close. He’d dreamed of holding Kellin like this for so long and he found it impossible to let the moment go to waste. Kellin was sorry—he was so clearly sorry. Vic couldn’t stay angry or frustrated with him. 

Kellin was his drug and once he had a little taste, he immediately wanted more. All his doubts trickled away. All his fears fled him. All that mattered was Kellin and his warm breath on Vic’s exposed throat. Slowly that steady breathing pushed the pain to the back of Vic’s mind. 

Vic squeezed Kellin tight and shifted just a little so their legs could overlap. 

“Did your dad find out about us?” Kellin asked.

“That’s partially why I can’t walk,” Vic said. 

“So I guess we can’t text anymore, can we?” Kellin asked, his voice so small and meek.

“Of course we can. You’re all I have left. I’m not letting you slip away,” Vic said, hoping it didn’t come off as threatening. Kellin didn’t seem to mind, though. He made a soft, cooing noise and cuddled closer. 

Vic liked this. It put him at ease like nothing else could. He bet if he complained about being in pain, Kellin would kiss his neck. He bet if he let himself get emotional, Kellin would jump at the opportunity to comfort him. That was something Vic desperately wanted.

“My back hurts,” Vic mumbled, trying his luck. 

“He hit your back?” Kellin asked, lifting his hand away from Vic’s back.

“No. It’s just sore… From trying to move away from him and stuff.” Vic pressed a little closer, whimpering until he got Kellin to snuggle him and kiss his throat. “I hurt,” he repeated, pressing closer until he got Kellin to lay on his back so he could rest his head on the boy’s chest. 

“I’m sorry,” Kellin whispered, hugging Vic tight. “Are you sure you’re not going to get in more trouble if we keep texting?”

“My dad’s not going to touch me again. I won’t let him take you away from me. I like you too much,” Vic said, shifting upwards so he could kiss Kellin gently on the lips.

He wanted to say love—he wanted to say he loved him—but love wasn’t real. Liking him would have to be enough.


	13. Chapter 13

Vic hissed the entire drive to school, winces at every bump in the road and hating his inability to repress the noises. His body still hurt so badly, but his cold had cleared up and his parents were forcing him to go back to school. Mike was pretending he didn’t hear, but Vic knew he did and it embarrassed him to no end. He didn’t know what he was going to do come gym class since he had marks that poked out beneath the hem of his boxers and he could barely move. 

Vic had half the mind to tell the principal what happened and ask to be excused from class. So what if it got his father investigated by CPS? He deserved it. Any foster home he could get put into was bound to be better than what his father was providing for him now. 

“Kellin’s going to be happy to see you,” Mike said.

“Since when do you care so much about Kellin? You used to hate him.”

“He’s been sitting with us at lunch… He’s not that bad. I can see why you like him.”

“Yeah. Whatever,” Vic muttered, pulling into the school’s parking lot. 

“Look, I’m sorry. Alright? I didn’t want all that to happen to you. I was trying to keep that from happening.”

“Yeah, well you and Jaime and Tony can all butt out. What happens between me and Kellin isn’t anybody else’s business and we don’t need your approval.”

“Okay. Geez. Sorry I said anything.” Mike flopped back against his seat and crossed his arms over his chest. “I thought you’d be happy.”

“Yeah, well I’m not. You guys were mean to Kellin from day one and we don’t need your _acceptance.”_

“Fine.” Mike didn’t say anything else as they got out of the car and started toward the school. Kellin was already by the lockers waiting for Vic and hugged him tight as soon as he was within reach. Vic was quick to kiss him, letting it last a moment since Todd wasn’t around to see and harass them. 

“Good morning,” Kellin said, smiling shyly as they pulled away from one another. 

“Morning, Baby,” Vic said, kissing Kellin’s cheek before opening his locker. 

“I’m so happy you’re back! It’s not the same here without you,” Kellin said.

“I’ve missed seeing you every day,” Vic said as he placed his hat in the top compartment of his locker. He wasn’t foolish enough to leave his phone behind and kept it in his pocket. He’d probably spend most of the morning texting Kellin under his desk and the through of defiance gave him a bit of a thrill. He wasn’t going to be punished for it. 

He was never going to be punished again. 

Vic could do absolutely anything he wanted.

“I wrote another song for you,” Kellin said, surprising Vic by pulling out a folded up piece of paper.

“Really?” Vic asked, beaming at his boyfriend who smiled at him shyly. He accepted the piece of paper and slowly unfolded it. “You’re not going to take it away before I can finish reading, right?”

“Right,” Kellin said. He looked so happy and Vic liked seeing him that way—his cheeks flushed the slightest bit pink. Vic wanted to kiss him again and just keep kissing him, but more students were flocking into the hall and he didn’t want Kellin to get uncomfortable. 

Vic read over the song, smiling to himself, before folding it back up and tucking it into his pocket. 

“You’re so talented,” he said, watching the way his simple compliment made Kellin’s eyes sparkle. It was so easy to make him happy—not at all like Vic’s father. “Maybe I can come to one of your practices this week. When do you guys play next?”

“Oh—Um… Probably Wednesday night. Do you really think you could come?”

“Yeah,” Vic said, shrugging. He could do whatever he wanted. His father barely acknowledged him now, so he wasn’t going to punish him for going out. “I want to hear you sing so bad. I bet you sound great,” Vic added, kissing Kellin on the lips again. He could never get tired of kissing that boy. His pouty little mouth was just so soft. Vic wished they were alone like they had been in his bed at home so he could suckle his bottom lip some more. 

He honestly had thought he’d taken it too far when he added tongue to their kiss in bed, but Kellin had moaned and reciprocated. He’d _moaned._ Vic had never heard a more glorious sound in his life. It broke his heart when Kellin had to leave.

“Well—Well I hope you can make it,” Kellin said.

“I’m going to try,” Vic said, stooping down to sort his books in his backpack and get the ones he needed for class.

“Do you think… I mean, maybe if you’re getting more privileges at home, you could go on a date with me sometime.”

“Definitely!” Vic exclaimed. The thought of having Kellin alone and all to himself for a night made his heart pound in his chest. They could go for dinner and a movie. He could hold Kellin’s hand in the dark and snuggle him away from prying eyes. 

Oh, God! To hold him in the dark, have him alone in his car… He wouldn’t take it too far, not this soon—not with how sensitive Kellin was—but they’d definitely make out like they’d started to in bed.

Vic wanted that. He wanted it so bad. There was no way he was going to let his father keep that pleasure from him. 

“I’ll definitely ask my mom about it. If I work a few more shifts at the restaurant, I can afford to take you out for dinner.”

“My mom could probably help me pay for tickets if you wanted to see a movie too. She always did when I went out with Todd.”

“I want to buy your movie tickets,” Vic said, standing up from the floor and shoving his book bag into the locker. 

“That’s fine, but I’m not a girl,” Kellin said, giggling.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you don’t have to pay for everything.”

“That’s fine, but I have a job and you don’t,” Vic said, stepping in and kissing Kellin’s cheek so the boy would know he didn’t mean it as an insult. 

“That shouldn’t matter,” Kellin said, blushing as he wrapped his arms around Vic’s shoulders. 

“Okay, lovebirds. The whole school already knows you’re back together,” Jaime said, coming up behind them and opening his locker. 

“So what?” Vic snapped, squeezing Kellin tight. Kellin squeaked and Vic loosened his grip, kissing Kellin’s cheek before letting him go. 

“Nothing,” Jaime said, looking at them before focusing on the books in his locker. “You’re just giving me diabetes from all that sugar going on over there.”

“Shut up, Hime,” Vic said, rolling his eyes as he closed his locker. He and Kellin chatted for a bit before Vic walked Kellin to his first class, kissing him one last time before they parted ways. 

He felt so much better being out of his house, even if walking around proved painful and sitting started to become agonizing after the first thirty minutes. He just tried to keep his focus on Kellin and how cute he’d been that morning—grinning and blushing and writing him more songs. 

He didn’t know what it was about Kellin, but being near him just seemed to make everything feel better. He didn’t have to think about loneliness or heartache or the rejection he faced at home. Everything was about Kellin—his smile, his touch, his smell… 

Vic wanted to kiss him again so badly. Those lips sliding against his own were intoxicating. Nothing else even mattered to him or registered in his brain when they were alone together. He’d gotten a taste and now he wanted more. Now he wanted everything he could get.

How much longer was he going to have to wait before he could get _everything,_ too?

( ) ( ) ( )

Kellin didn’t know how to feel. On the one hand he was happy to have Vic back with him at school, but he was worried when the day came to a close and it was time for Vic to head back home. He kept saying he wouldn’t let his father hit him again, but what if the man over powered him? Vic wasn’t very big.

In gym class when Vic was changing, Kellin caught sight of the dark bruises under the hem of Vic’s boxers. There was even one line down the back of his thigh, close to the bend in his knee though it was mostly faded. It made Kellin’s stomach churn. The bruises he saw were so _dark._ The beating had happened over a week ago and the marks still looked fresh. 

If he knew it wasn’t creepy, Kellin would ask Vic to let him see—even though he couldn’t do anything to help. He wanted to see what he’d caused. He wanted to understand better why Vic squirmed in his seat in class and at lunch. He wanted to know how bad it was, even though he knew it was bad. 

Maybe if they got to be alone together sometime, Kellin could try to get a little bit of intimacy and use that to hide his real intentions. He doubted Vic would turn him down, and even though he wasn’t really ready for anything sexual, he _needed_ to see those bruises. Maybe he could just offer a blowjob and steal a glimpse or two of Vic’s thighs then. Vic would love it, Kellin was sure, and he probably wouldn’t remember to be self-conscious if Kellin went for a peek. 

It was awkward to kiss Vic goodbye that day after school, especially after spending most of the day thinking about sucking Vic off. Vic didn’t know that though, so when Kellin giggled at him nervously and had trouble making eye contact, Vic just told him he was cute for being so shy. 

Vic continued to text him after they both got home, even when he was supposed to be doing chores, and only stopped when he said it was time for him to work a shift at the restaurant. Usually he didn’t work on school nights and that left Kellin worried until Vic texted him later that night and told him he was officially part-time and on the payroll making minimum wage and tips. Kellin had thought Vic was done with the restaurant, but apparently his desire for money was greater than his hatred for his father. He wanted to take Kellin on dates, and to do that he needed money. Apparently Vic believed his father would actually let him go on these dates, but right now Vic acted as though he wasn’t going to let anything stop him.

It was scary to see him act this way. In some respects, it reminded Kellin of Todd. He would do whatever he wanted and scream at his family if they tried to tell him no. 

Kellin was _terrified_ of Vic becoming like that, even if he had a reason to act that way. He was worried that anger might somehow get directed at him, and the last thing he wanted was Vic’s gentle kisses to turn forceful. He didn’t want to go on a date and end up in the backseat crying again. 

He really hoped he hadn’t turned his sweet Victor into Todd…

The next day at school, though, Kellin got more of the same kisses and same hugs. Vic seemed more affectionate now than ever and he felt guilty for worrying about him turning violent. All Vic pushed for was kisses—lots and lots of kisses. Kellin loved those anyway so he didn’t protest. 

Kellin stole another glimpse of Vic’s thighs when he changed for gym and almost got caught that time, but Vic just gave him a strange stare. On Wednesday he did get caught though, and it got him a dirt look and a stern series of texts once they both got home. Kellin responded to the anger the way he always handled conflict—by tucking his phone into his nightstand drawer and trying not to let his sadness get the best of him. 

Vic felt that Kellin was trying to invade his privacy and asked that he _not_ try to check him out or “whatever he was doing” in gym class again. It hurt like a slap and Kellin spent several hours feeling sick to his stomach over how terrible he’d been. He just wanted to see if Vic was okay… He wanted to see what he’d caused. 

Now Vic hated him. Now Vic was mad at him. He hadn’t even gotten a kiss goodbye after school. He’d probably never get another one now that Vic thought him perverse. How could he have been so stupid? 

Kellin skipped band practice and listened to his cell phone chirp and ring as his friends tried to get ahold of him. He let everyone down, but what else was new? He was useless… 

On Thursday, he kept his head down when he got to school—later than usual in hopes Vic would have given up on him and went to class so they didn’t have to see each other. It did him no good because Vic was there and angry about Kellin never answering his texts.

No kiss good morning, no hug, no walk to class. 

It was just like with Todd all over again. 

Kellin skipped gym class just so Vic couldn’t accuse him of trying to look at him again, and spent the period in Nurse Susan’s office crying to her about his problems. She assured him that Vic was probably just embarrassed and said Kellin was being too paranoid. Couples fought, she said, and it didn’t mean one of the two parties involved was about to turn violent. 

It didn’t make Kellin feel any better, but he thanked her anyway when he left the office (after skipping his and Vic’s lunch period as well). After school, he and Vic didn’t even speak to one another and Kellin kept his head down as he left. 

He should’ve known it would never last. He just didn’t expect it to go so bad so fast. They were literally kissing and making plans for dates one day, then not talking at all the next. It was Kellin’s fault and he knew that, but he didn’t know what else to do besides retreat when someone was angry at him. Getting in the way was just going to get him pushed to the floor or smacked. He didn’t want Vic to do that to him… He wanted to be loved by someone—not hated. 

He’d rather have them just fade away into silence than have Vic start hitting him to make him go away… He didn’t want it to be over just like that, but what else could he do? He’d nearly gotten Vic expelled, he’d gotten him beaten, he’d gotten him bullied by Todd… What could Vic possibly see in him? 

Nothing. He was nothing…

 _Are you ever going to talk to me again?_

Vic sent the text to him at seven-thirty on Friday night. Kellin thought about putting his phone back into his drawer and never looking at it again, letting their relationship end once and for all. It wasn’t what he _wanted,_ but talking was just delaying the inevitable, wasn’t it? 

Either way, Kellin couldn’t resist. 

“I’m sorry.” It was all he could get himself to say. 

_So we’re over then? That’s it?_

“No ): But you’re mad at me. I don’t want in the way.”

_I’m mad at you because you won’t talk to me._

“I’m a fuck up. What else is there to say?”

_Don’t start that. I don’t want you calling attention to my bruises. That’s it. You didn’t have to ignore me all week. If you ever texted back I wouldn’t even be mad._

“I’m sorry ): I thought I’d make it all worse. When Todd gets mad I have to stay away.”

_I’m not Todd._

“I know. I get scared though. I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t want to mess us up.”

_Well ignoring me doesn’t help. It makes me feel like shit._

That wasn’t at all what Kellin wanted to hear. He cared so much about Vic, he _loved_ him. He didn’t want Vic to feel bad because of him. 

“I’m sorry. Can I fix it?” He expected Vic to tell him no. He expected to be told off and left heartbroken and single. It was what he deserved. 

_Depends. Are you going to ignore me again? Because I really fucking hate that shit._

His anger felt like a punch in the gut and Kellin had to take his phone with him to the bathroom where he began gagging. After throwing up, he texted Vic back another apology and promised he wouldn’t ignore him again. 

_You know I’m not like Todd right? I won’t hit you when I’m mad. I don’t hit._

“I know. It’s hard to shake though. I never want to make you that mad.”

Kellin threw up again before wiping his mouth on a piece of toilet paper and flushing the toilet. He washed his hands and rinsed his mouth before taking his phone back into his room where he curled up in his blankets.

_I was only mad because you were calling attention. I wasn’t even that upset until you started ignoring me. That hurts me. I don’t like being disposable._

“You’re not disposable,” Kellin texted, staring at his screen for a long time waiting for Vic’s reply. 

_Glad U think so._

He was still pissed and it made Kellin start crying. He’d ruined it. He finally found someone nice who liked him and he ruined it. He didn’t even know what to say back, but silence would just serve to make Vic angrier. 

Kellin felt so trapped and though crying couldn’t help him, he couldn’t stop. He kept his blankets over his head to smother the sound. What was he supposed to do? Vic was mad at him and every clipped response Kellin got from him felt like a punch. He felt so sick and all he wanted was for it to stop—and the only way to stop it was to put his phone away and pretend like it never happened. But Vic wasn’t accepting of that. He wanted Kellin to man up and take the verbal blows. Vic just didn’t understand how much like a beating his harsh words could feel—even if Kellin knew he deserved them. 

“I’m sorry,” Kellin texted back. He would just say it again and again and again until Vic believed him. He was sorry he was a worthless boyfriend, sorry he hadn’t kept their plans for Vic to come to his band practice, sorry he had nothing better to say. 

He was sorry he even existed—wasn’t that enough?

 _Do you even want to be in a relationship?_ Vic asked him

All of Kellin’s heartfelt apologies just seemed to make Vic hate him even more. He couldn’t do anything right. In many ways, he felt worse now than he had under the bleachers. He was just as helpless, only this time his love was being deflected and discredited until Kellin began feeling that he wasn’t deserving of this relationship at all. His love was worthless to Vic, wasn’t it? What purpose did it serve? 

_Do you need me to call you?_ Vic asked when Kellin didn’t answer for a long time. Kellin didn’t know if his tone was friendly or angry. Did he mean it genuinely or was he still mad and just wanting to hear Kellin answer him?

“If you want to. You don’t have to,” Kellin said. Shortly after he hit send, his screen lit up with an incoming call and he had to sniff a few times before answering. “Hi.”

“Kell?”

“Yeah?”

“Baby, are you crying?” He sounded concerned. Why did he sound concerned when this whole time Kellin had imagined him angry? Hateful, even? “Kellin?”

“I’m fine,” Kellin whispered, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice. He didn’t need Vic’s pity—nor did he deserve it.

“I didn’t mean to make you cry. I was just asking. I… I get nervous, too, you know? I mean, you have a lot going on. I don’t know if I’m helping you or making everything ten times worse.” He sounded genuine and that just left Kellin feeling even more lost and hopeless. He couldn’t even trust his own feelings now.

“I don’t want to break up,” Kellin said, rolling over and finally taking the blankets out from over his head. 

“That’s good because I don’t want to either. Shit… I didn’t mean to make you cry. I really didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I’m fine,” Kellin repeated.

Vic sighed heavily into the phone and Kellin could hear something shuffling for a moment before he spoke again.

“Do you want to go out next weekend?” Vic asked.

“Go out?” Kellin asked, startled by the proposition. He’d been so sure Vic was angry at him, why did he want to go out on a date?

“Yeah… I want to see the new _Avengers_ movie. We could go and get something to eat after.”

“Will your dad let you?”

“I got paid. I have money and if he says no, I’ll just ask my mom and she’ll say yes.”

“I don’t want to get you in trouble, though,” Kellin murmured, sniffling as he wiped is face on his blankets.

“I won’t. Let me take you out. We’ll see a movie and get dinner. I’ll take you anywhere you like. Anywhere.”

“There’s… There’s a little Italian place I like. My mom usually takes me on my birthday. It’s not expensive or anything, just out of the way.”

“We’ll go there, then,” Vic said, sounding happy. He seemed excited at the prospect of a date and that helped Kellin to relax. He wasn’t getting dumped if Vic was still getting excited about dates.

“Vic?”

“Yeah?”

“I am sorry… I was worried about you. That’s all. I don’t know why I couldn’t just say that. I’m not good at talking—you know? There was just no talking with Todd. If I messed up, I _had_ to put my phone away just so I didn’t have to see all those texts he’d send.”

“I’m not Todd.”

“I know, but it’s a habit… I mess up a lot. I get scared you’ll lose your patience with me and… Vic?”

“Yeah? I’m listening.”

The nausea was coming back and Kellin had to swallow hard against it as he prepared himself for what he was going to say.

“I get scared because I like you a lot. I don’t want to mess it up.”

“I really like you too,” Vic said with a soft little chuckle. He didn’t understand. “Trust me, you won’t mess it up unless you start cheating or something—which I know you’re not going to do.”

“Vic…” Kellin exhaled all the air in his lungs and held his breath a moment, waiting until he got a little dizzy before breathing in and continuing what he wanted to say. “Vic, I think I’m in love with you.”

Silence. 

Vic had turned so quiet that Kellin had to lower his phone and check to make sure he hadn’t dropped the call. 

“Um… That’s…That’s nice.”

Kellin’s stomach tightened and he had to drop his phone and run to the bathroom again. He missed the toilet and ended up getting sick on the floor, his head smacking into the rim of the toilet bowl. It was mostly water, but he kept gagging regardless—adding more spit and slime to the tiles. 

Disgusting. He was so, so disgusting.

Vic didn’t feel the same. He’d said it too soon and now he’d make Vic uncomfortable. What was wrong with him? Didn’t he know he was supposed to wait for the _man_ to make the move?—The _real_ man?

What was he supposed to do now? Things had been getting better! Why did he have to open his mouth?

“Kellin? You okay?” His mother was calling for him from the foot of the stairs, but when he didn’t answer her she hurried up the steps and came into the bathroom. “Kell? What’s the matter? You’re shaking!” 

The next thing he knew, a towel was being wrapped around his shoulders and his mother was rubbing his back as he swallowed hard against the urge to gag. 

“You’ve been sick all week… Do you need me to take you to the emergency room? I’m starting to think this bug is serious.”

“I’m—I’m fine,” Kellin panted, sniffling and spitting into the toilet. 

“Don’t tell me that. You’ve thrown up everything I’ve given you to eat since, what, Wednesday? Tuesday?” She kept rubbing his shoulders, but Kellin couldn’t accept her comfort. All he could think of was his phone. He could hear it start ringing in his bedroom and shakily got to his feet after flushing the toilet. “Who’s that calling?—Is that Todd again? I told you if he called to give me your phone!” 

“It’s Vic,” Kellin said, letting the towel fall off his shoulders as he retreated to his bedroom and picked up the call before it could go to voicemail. He knew he needed to clean up the bathroom, not leave it for his mother, but he was scared to leave Vic waiting. 

“Hey—Where’d you go?” Vic asked as soon as Kellin spoke up. 

“Got sick,” Kellin confessed. “I don’t feel good. I think I’m going to go to sleep…”

“Oh… Um… Okay. Are… Are we still on for a date next weekend or…or would you rather we just…not?”

Kellin felt the tears rolling down his cheeks as he laid back down in his bed. 

Say no, he told himself. Say no. Let it go. Let them just fade away into nothing. Vic didn’t feel the same. Vic didn’t like him like that. He was just lonely and bored and looking for something casual—someone to keep around for fun. That wasn’t what Kellin was looking for when they’d started getting closer. He’d made it clear he wanted something serious…

Vic didn’t want anything serious, so Kellin should just say no. Say forget it.

Say _no._

“Yeah. Sorry, I’m just sick tonight. I-I still want to go. _Avengers,_ right? And…and Italian for dinner?”

“Yeah,” Vic said, not sounding completely convinced by Kellin’s forced enthusiasm. “Should I let you get some sleep?”

“Probably. I’m sorry.”

“No—Don’t be sorry. It’s okay. I’ll text you in the morning.”

“Okay,” Kellin whispered, letting Vic say his goodbyes before ending the call.

“Kellin, I cleaned up the bathroom.” His mother appeared in the doorway, a look of concern etched on her face. “If you’re still sick tomorrow, I’m taking you to the urgent care. I’m worried.”

“I’ll be fine, Mom. Sorry about the bathroom.” 

She came into his room and smoothed her hand over his hair, feeling his forehead. Kellin let his eyes slip closed, trying to suppress the tremors that were still rocketing through him. 

He was starting to feel sick again, but didn’t want to end up being taken to the emergency room if he threw up again. It was stress. It was all from stress, and the ER doctors weren’t going to prescribe him anti-anxiety medications or sleeping pills. Going there would just be a large waste of his mother’s money. 

“What did Vic want?” His mother asked, continuing to stroke his hair. 

“A date next weekend,” Kellin admitted.

“Oh! Is his father actually going to let him go?”

“Maybe…” Deep down, Kellin wished Vic’s father would refuse and Vic would listen. He didn’t want to go on a date. He didn’t want to be put in that vulnerable of a position again. He couldn’t go… He couldn’t be _alone_ with Vic, especially not now that he knew Vic didn’t have feelings for him. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic couldn’t even begin to describe the guilt he felt after ending that phone call. Kellin had opened up to him and Vic turned him away. He’d panicked when Kellin dropped the L-word and his first response was to reject it. 

Love wasn’t real. He didn’t want lied to. He knew he liked Kellin just as much if not more than Kellin liked him, but that’s all it was. _Like._ Love was fake. He didn’t want them to be fake…

But he didn’t want them to be over either, and deflecting it when his boyfriend told him he loved him was the very best way to ruin everything. Even if love was a bullshit story from Hollywood, Kellin still believed in it. He still saw it as something true and valuable, and Vic had thrown it back in his face. He was lucky Kellin still agreed to go on their date, but worried that he’d take back his offer when they saw each other in person at school.

There was no way Vic could explain what he’d done and it tore him up that in a few brief words he could break Kellin’s heart like that. 

Vic had heard him gasp, then the phone must’ve been dropped because the next thing he heard was a muffled thump, and then footsteps. Then nothing. When he finally got Kellin back on the line, he said he’d gotten sick. Vic had stressed him so much he got sick the same way he got sick whenever he was triggered by bad memories of Todd. 

Vic _never_ wanted to have that kind of effect on Kellin. He wanted to a good part of his life—a valuable, desirable part. 

It killed him that he was going to have to try to fix this all tomorrow over text, knowing he’d never work up the courage to say it out loud. He didn’t want to wait, but no matter how many times he sent Kellin texts tonight, the other boy didn’t answer. 

Vic had hurt him, and that was unbearable to live with. He couldn’t sleep knowing he’d made Kellin sick. In the moment, he hadn’t thought it would do any harm not to say the words back. It probably wouldn’t have, either, if he’d said something like “aww, me too, Baby” or even “you’re too sweet.” At least those wouldn’t make Kellin feel invalidated. 

Vic laid awake most the night, staring at his ceiling and trying not to cry. Kellin was the only good thing he had left in life and he was scared he’d destroyed it. What could he even say to fix it? “I’m flattered you feel that way, but I don’t believe in love?” Yeah, that would go over real well after he’d spent the past few months sending Kellin hearts and smiley faces at the ends of all his texts.

How could he have been so stupid?

He _liked_ Kellin. He really, really _liked_ Kellin so damned much. 

He needed to make sure he still had Kellin in the morning, but there was nothing he could do except lay awake and obsess over it. 

God, he hoped he could fix it before school. He didn’t want to go to school if Kellin was going to be upset with him all day. He didn’t want to have Kellin skip class just to hide from him. That _hurt._ He didn’t want hurt anymore. He just wanted a boyfriend, he just wanted to be Kellin’s boyfriend. Why did he have to make that so hard?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much drama, but fluff is coming--I promise! Thanks for reading and leaving comments! I love to hear from you guys! It inspires me to keep writing!


	14. Chapter 14

Love was a big step. That was what Kellin told himself as he and Vic texted the next morning. He’d said it too soon, and it wasn’t Vic’s fault he didn’t respond with the same enthusiasm. He didn’t have to feel the same way. So long as he at least _liked_ Kellin, what did it matter if the emotions didn’t run any deeper? He wasn’t that great anyway… He was lucky to have any of Vic’s affection at all. 

So after an awkward text conversation, Kellin had to walk to school where he was met with Vic who remained painfully apologetic. Even their good morning kiss was laced with “sorry” and no matter what Kellin said, Vic didn’t seem able to shake the creases of worry from his face. It was a good thing, Kellin assumed, that he was so upset over it. Rather than Todd who would give and deny love at whim, Vic was denying it but seemed genuinely upset about it—like he _wanted_ to feel the same, but just couldn’t. 

Kellin made sure to keep his head down as they changed for gym, just so Vic couldn’t get upset at him again. Then, during Art class and lunch, he kept his hand rested on Vic’s thigh. Even if he was heartbroken, Kellin didn’t want Vic to think anything between them had changed. He didn’t want Vic to go away. Maybe, with a bit of luck, he could get Vic to feel the same about him. He just needed to be patient…

That was why it startled him so much when, after school, Vic asked if he could come over to Kellin’s house. 

“You… You don’t think your dad would mind?” Kellin asked, fear twisting in the pit of his stomach. Why would Vic want to come over? He couldn’t possibly have more he wanted to discuss about the situation. Could he? He must… Kellin really didn’t want to talk about it anymore, though. He’d made a fool of himself, now he just wanted it to be done. 

“No. I have to take Mike home first though. You could ride with us…meet my mom again.”

“I don’t think I should,” Kellin said, nervously biting his lip.

“It’ll be okay. I promise. I just want to talk.”

Kellin wanted to resist, but he couldn’t. Vic never asked much of him, and he’d never done anything to break Kellin’s trust. If he let Vic come over, nothing bad would happen to him. After all, he’d visited Vic’s house and they’d been alone together then. They’d talked and kissed a little while lying in the bed, but Vic didn’t push for more. They’d talked, they’d kissed, they’d laughed, and then they kissed more. It was safe. He didn’t need to feel sick to his stomach at the prospect. He was safe…

He’d be alright.

“Okay,” Kellin said, ducking his head submissively. 

“You… You don’t have to. Why are you all upset?”

“No, I’m not. I’m fine,” Kellin said, working to push away his nervousness and forcing a timid smile. “I’ll ride with you.”

“Awesome,” Vic said, smiling wide. He didn’t _look_ scary, so why couldn’t Kellin relax? He was back to being as nervous as he’d been when he and Vic had first started talking and he had no reason to be. 

Vic wouldn’t hurt him… Vic might not love him, but he didn’t hate him like Todd.

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic’s mother had been more than angry with him when he came home with Kellin, introduced him, and then informed her he was going back out. Her lips pressed into a thin line as she scowled at him and suggested he take Kellin home and do his chores when he got back. 

Vic simply told her no. No he would not take Kellin home and then come back to do chores. He was sick of cleaning his parents’ house. He was sick of being kept like a prisoner. He had a boyfriend and he wanted to spend time with him. He wanted to talk to him and apologize for how distant he’d let himself become after his father had hurt him. He wanted Kellin to know he was still cared for, even if Vic couldn’t return his love. 

Even if Vic didn’t deserve his love…

When they got to Kellin’s house, Vic made a point to give the boy his space. He could tell Kellin was nervous and he wanted to do anything he could to put him at ease. They sat downstairs on the couch together and watched television even though there wasn’t anything decent on. Kellin was shaking and would close his eyes tight whenever Vic would move or shift too close to him. 

He was so _terrified_ and Vic didn’t understand. He’d never hit Kellin or screamed at him or pushed him the way Todd did, yet Kellin was treating him the same way he did the monster. Vic just didn’t know what to do to fix it.

“So… I wanted to come over to…to, like, talk. I-I feel bad for what I did yesterday and…” Vic looked at Kellin’s closed off face, took in the way his eyes were pressed shut as if he were cringing in anticipation of a blow. “Kellin, I don’t want to lose you over this. I really do like you a lot.”

Kellin nodded quickly, willing the conversation to end.

“Kellin?”

Finally, Kellin opened his eyes and let out the breath he was holding. Vic couldn’t understand why his boyfriend was suddenly so scared of him. He’d _never_ hurt Kellin on purpose. Not ever. He didn’t deserve this level of fear and distrust all because he withheld three stupid, meaningless words.

“I’m sorry,” Kellin said, shaking his head. “I don’t feel good at all.”

“I know that’s not what this is about,” Vic said. His direct tone of voice caused Kellin to let out a heavy sigh and he leaned forward, his elbows on his knees and his head lowered.

“All Todd would ever say, you know, after he was done beating me or yelling at me was that I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t _worthy_ of him or anybody… Until yesterday I’d hoped it wasn’t true. Guess I was wrong. Todd’s right.”

“That’s not true at _all,”_ Vic said, pained just from hearing all the hurt in Kellin’s voice. He didn’t expect for Kellin to get hurt. Love wasn’t even real, how could he get hurt by Vic refusing to indulge in the fantasy?

“Yes, it is.”

“Kellin, I care about you more than anything! It’s not that you’re not worthy or that I don’t _like_ you enough. Love’s just not real. Don’t you get that?”

Kellin lifted his head and looked at him with mixed hurt and, dare he say, pity.

“What?” He looked like he thought Vic had just given him the most ridiculous excuse in the world.

And maybe it was. Under the weight of that stare—under the scrutiny of those big, blue eyes—Vic found himself feeling ashamed, feeling small. He felt just as helpless now as he had when his father had been torturing him.

He couldn’t stand that feeling.

“I mean… Think about it. Realistically. All our lives we grow up and our parents tell us they love us, then…then they go and do something awful like my dad. He didn’t say it a lot, but he said it enough—and my mom, she _always_ went around saying ‘I love you’ like it’s no big deal. But you don’t _do_ that to someone you love. You don’t keep hitting or—or let your husband keeping hitting your kid if you really love them. So what am I supposed to think, Kellin? Either my parents never loved me, or love isn’t even a real thing at all. Which would pick?—I want to know which _you’d_ rather believe.” Talking about it had released the anger in him. He could feel it heating up his neck and face, turning them red with passion. All the while, Kellin stared at him with wide eyes, looking shocked but not quite scared despite the rage on Vic’s face.

“If it were me, I’d probably feel the same way,” Kellin said, finally lowering his gaze. “But at the same time, I know what _I_ feel. I do mean it when I say I love you.” Again, those big eyes were on him. Chilling him and calming him in the deep, blue waves. Like the ocean… Kellin’s eyes were like the ocean. “I don’t just mean that I care about you a lot. I mean I love you. I mean I go to bed thinking about you. I wake _up_ thinking about you. I worry about you when you go home from school because I don’t know if your dad is going to hurt you again or if you’ll get in an accident. I _love_ you.”

Vic hated it so much that when Kellin said it that way, with his eyes looking _that way,_ he felt compelled to believe him. What else could it be when a person felt that strongly for another? And could he really say that he didn’t feel the same?—That he didn’t wake up and immediately reach for his phone to look for a good morning text message from Kellin? Or fall asleep with his phone in his hand because Kellin was the last thought he had at night. Could he really just say that was an expression of “liking” Kellin a lot?

When Vic didn’t say anything back to him, Kellin sighed and leaned back against the couch. 

“You know… Todd used to say awful things to me. Just _shitty,_ awful things. And he _did_ awful things, too. You know that. Like… Like that last time.” Kellin’s face went pale and he swallowed hard as he thought about it. 

Vic felt so guilty for making him remember.

“That last time under the bleachers… He used to tell me he loved me. Then he went and did _that_ to me. And it wasn’t even the first time.”

_What?_ Vic’s eyes widened as the realization dawned on him. Of course it wouldn’t be a one-time thing. Of course a monster like Todd wouldn’t be satisfied with hurting Kellin once and only once.

“I know it’s not anything like what your dad did, but…” Kellin had started crying and guilty didn’t even begin to cover how awful Vic felt. For everything. “You know, after all that shit, I started to feel that maybe it was me. Like, maybe I just can’t be loved or…or that he was right and I just don’t deserve it. And I know it’s not fair, but when you tell me love’s not real, it just sounds like Todd all over again. Like I’m not good enough for you and you feel compelled to lie to me so I stick around until you find someone better. Someone you think is actually worth half a shit.”

This was never what Vic had intended. The hurt in every angle of Kellin’s face wasn’t what he wanted to happen. He wanted to protect himself. He just wanted to steel himself against the world. He wanted to make sure no one ever made him feel as low and worthless as his father did, ever again. 

He never meant to make Kellin feel that way too. Kellin was his escape. Kellin was his reprieve, his drug, his freedom from all his troubles. He didn’t want to hurt Kellin like this and make him leave. All he wanted in the world was to see Kellin smile, to be the reason Kellin smiled.

But there was nothing he could say to fix this, was there? He’d made Kellin feel just a worthless as he felt himself. Who wanted to be with someone who made them feel worthless? 

Now all Vic felt was pain and panic. He was going to make Kellin leave him. He was going to be all alone in this with no one to talk to, no one to give a shit about him. He started shaking the thought frightened him that much. 

“Kellin, I… I didn’t want you to feel that way. I care. I do. And you _are_ worthy. You’re the only good thing that’s ever happened to me. I didn’t mean to remind you of him. If… If love is real, if it is a thing, then that’s what we have. I mean, I feel everything you said you did. I think about you when I wake up, I go to sleep every night texting you. I worry about Todd hurting you when you walk home after school. If that’s love, then…then I love you. I do.”

Kellin, staring at the floor, shook his head and bit his lip as if in frustration. He then looked at Vic as if he preparing to argue, but must’ve seen something in Vic’s face that changed his mind. His expression softened and his lip quivered again before he turned away and sniffed. He wiped his nose on the back of his hand as he continued to push back the tears, seeming so desperate not to fall apart in front of Vic. 

“Kellin?”

His bottom lip was still trembling. Kellin was on the verge of losing it and Vic didn’t know what to do to help or if he even could. He wanted to ask if he should leave, but he was scared Kellin would tell him to get out and never come back. Vic knew how quickly pain could turn to rage, love to hate.

All it took was one accusation from the school to turn his own father against him… 

“How can I make this up to you? What can I do?”

Nothing, Vic thought. He broke Kellin’s heart just as badly as Todd had and there was _nothing_ he could do to fix it. Not a single damn thing.

( ) ( ) ( )

Kellin couldn’t show how angry he was or how hurt. He couldn’t even put it into words. He spent so much time trying to get away from Vic before he’d succumbed to his desires and let the boy close to him, told him his darkest secret. He tried so hard to resist him, avoid him. But in the end he’d caved. He let Vic tell him all the nice things, let himself fall under Vic’s spell only to have his heart smashed.

He should’ve taken the hint and run as soon as it happened, not let Vic come around again. Not let Vic come into his home where he had him alone and at his mercy.

But as they sat there together on the couch, Vic was finally honest with him. Kellin could see in Vic all the pain he himself carried. Todd had crushed his self-worth, his hope. Vic’s father had done the exact same thing. So what if it wasn’t a rape?—Or what if it was? What if more went on in that house than Vic would _ever_ admit? 

With those thoughts hounding him, Kellin couldn’t stay mad. Who was he to be mad? Honestly? Who was he to say Vic was overreacting? Who was he to judge? 

His heart still hurting, Kellin leaned over and placed his head on Vic’s shoulder. He didn’t want them to be over. He didn’t want Vic to leave him or hate him. He didn’t want to hurt the best boyfriend he’d ever had… The only _real_ boyfriend he’d ever had. 

“I’m sorry,” Vic whispered, kissing the top of Kellin’s head. 

But why was he sorry? Because he didn’t feel the same?—Or because he did and felt guilty for not wanting to admit it when he saw how badly withholding the words of affection hurt Kellin?

Kellin just needed to accept that he would never know why. 

They sat together in silence for almost forty minutes before Kellin told Vic was going upstairs to lay down because the couch was uncomfortable. He knew exactly what he was inviting to happen when he let Vic come upstairs with him instead of telling him to go home, but when they laid down in bed, Vic didn’t even touch him without permission. 

Kellin laid down and waited for Vic to try climbing over him the way Todd always did, but instead Vic just stood awkwardly in the doorway and then sat down in the chair at his desk. They made small talk, awkward small talk, about the posters on Kellin’s walls and the CDs he had stacked on his desk. 

After a while, Kellin just held his arms up as he laid on his back and waited for Vic to take initiative and come lay down with him—hold him. He didn’t want to fight. He was still hurt and part of him was still angry, but he didn’t want Vic to leave. He didn’t want to be alone and he didn’t want to lose what seemed to be his only shot at happiness.

It soothed him so much when Vic did lay next to him, after the initial tremors stopped. Vic just laid there, hugging his chest and whispering apologies, calling himself awful names for what he’d done. Called himself stupid, called himself an idiot, called himself every name in the book while Kellin held him and said nothing. He let Vic suffer a while before kissing him on the head the way Vic did for him on the couch. 

He didn’t want Vic to be upset. He’d been through enough…

“Your dad… He never did anything else to hurt you, did he?” Kellin asked, knowing today was probably the only day he and Vic would both have their defenses low enough to hold such a conversation.

“What do you mean?” Vic asked, tightening his hold on Kellin’s chest as opposed to pulling away as his tone grew defensive.

“Hitting you… He just hits, right? Never…never anything worse?” He wanted to say anything like Todd, but couldn’t bring himself be that forward. He knew what it felt like to have someone prying into his darkest secrets, even if that person was someone he loved or “cared very much about.”

“Hits… Says things… Doesn’t let me do anything,” Vic mumbled. “But that’s over now. He’s never touching me again. Not ever again.” 

“That’s good,” Kellin said, kissing Vic on the head again. Vic took it as an invitation to lean up for a kiss on the lips and smiled once they parted—a sad, hazy smile like he was reluctant to really let himself become happy. 

It was the sort of puppy dog look that made Kellin want to kiss him again—and again until his lips were starting to feel swollen and Vic was climbing on him more than laying on him. Kiss him until his hips were pushing up against Vic’s and he was moaning before he could even catch himself. For a moment, Kellin forgot about the fight. For a moment, he even forgot about Todd. All he knew or wanted was the feeling of Vic’s lips on his mouth, on his jaw, on his _neck._ God, how those kisses and nips raised goosebumps all over his skin. His whole body felt electrified and all he wanted was more—more of Vic, more of Vic making him feel good, making him feel things Todd never even tried to. 

Then, as soon as his name returned to Kellin’s mind, his skin started prickling with a different heat and the closeness he was previously enjoying started making him feel claustrophobic—nauseated. He needed Vic off him—off his body, off his throat. 

Now Vic was apologizing again, pulling away and saying he should go. He was trying to leave, but Kellin didn’t want to be alone. He was trapped in this awful limbo of needing closeness and fearing it. He was stuck feeling like a tease when all he wanted was to let himself get caught up and let Vic have his way—if only the thought of that didn’t fill him with spikes of fear. 

“Don’t go,” Kellin called, grabbing Vic’s hand when he tried to climb off the bed. His heart started racing just at the thought of being left behind, being abandoned. “I’m sorry. Don’t go.”

“It’s okay—I’m not going anywhere. It’s okay, Baby.” Vic was looking at him with so much pity, but Kellin couldn’t even begin to feel ashamed. He wanted that sympathy, he wanted apologized to and held and kissed in a way that wasn’t demanding. He wanted that special kind of attention he only knew Vic to give him, and only in the few, fleeting moments that they were actually alone together. “I’ll just lay here, okay? We’ll just lay here. Alright?”

Kellin nodded and relaxed against the mattress once Vic was back at his side.

“My mom will be home soon,” Kellin said after some time. 

“Should I go?” Vic asked, his tone uncertain—like he was just asking to be polite when all he really wanted was to do was stay at Kellin’s side. 

“If you want to,” Kellin whispered.

 

“Can I stay?”

“Yeah… If you want to.”

Vic hummed then and snuggled back up. Kellin liked it better this way—innocent. As much as he liked the rush he got from Vic’s touch, he preferred this right now. Let them get close first. Let them learn each other first… Let him be sure Vic wasn’t just playing mind games until he got what he wanted and left. Kellin would die if another person treated him as disposable like Todd had. 

He’d die…


	15. Chapter 15

Vic started coming over more and more after that day and though Kellin knew it was probably just his hopeful mind playing tricks on him, the new closeness seemed to make Vic even more affectionate than he had been before. Or, should he say, more _loving_ than before? 

Their kisses slowed down so, so much when they were alone. Kellin even started using tongue though Vic seemed uncertain how to proceed when he did. He would pull away and laugh nervously the first few times Kellin tried, but then started to let himself get swept away with it. So what if he didn’t kiss as good as Todd? The soft moans he let out when he’d start getting eager took Kellin’s breath away all on their own. 

Then he’d pull back and stare at Kellin in this hazy, blissed-out sort of way. He’d blink his big, brown eyes so slowly—sleepily—as if their kisses consumed all of his energy in the best way possible. Sometimes he’d just lay there smiling, other times he’d want to work his fingers through Kellin’s hair. That was all it ever was—kisses, smiles, holding each other for an hour or two every day.

Well, almost every day.

Sometimes Vic would have to work or his father would be very, _very_ adamant about him coming home. Even though Vic seemed to still be riding out his “rebellious streak,” he still respected his father too much to disobey him. He’d gotten more freedoms, more privileges, and seemed content with them now. His parents finally seemed to understand that he and Mike needed more time to be _out,_ out with friends and just out of the house in general, and loosened their constrictive hold.

Kellin still didn’t know much about how their household really worked, but Vic seemed much less stressed and he was grateful for that. Less stress meant more time kissing lazily and snuggling close. Whenever Vic would get stressed, whether it was over family issues or a test he was nervous about, his touch became so much more sporadic. Those were the only times he’d really start getting…grabby. 

It wasn’t unpleasant, just different for them and sometimes it could make Kellin a little anxious about where it was all going to lead. The days Vic was stressed were the only times he’d start pressing against Kellin first. Usually their kisses did lead to more intimate…stuff. It was never anything too intense, but he would let Vic roll their hips together or put a hand up his shirt. If he asked to stop, Vic always listened. 

Always.

There was one day he did take things a little too far, but it ended up being more of an inside joke between them than a trauma. It was after Vic had thought he failed a test so when he was done being a nervous wreck, they started kissing and that kissing led to groping Kellin didn’t really care for. 

He allowed Vic to grab his hips and slide a hand up his shirt, but the moment he felt Vic’s hand press between his legs, Kellin had smacked him. It was an impulse, a knee-jerk reaction he had no control over. Vic squeezed him, Kellin cracked him across the cheek with his hand. 

Instantly, Vic had pulled away, his eyes as wide as Kellin’s with shock. Kellin had started stammering, wanting to apologize for hitting him but suddenly afraid of what the repercussions might be. After a moment of just staring at each other, Vic let out a nervous laugh and sat up all the way on the bed, rubbing his sore cheek.

“Damn. I’ll know not to do that again,” he said, laughing to himself and looking at Kellin apologetically. 

“You scared me,” Kellin said, forcing himself not to apologize. He defended himself. He had a right to defend himself. Maybe he should’ve just said ‘stop it’ first, but maybe Vic should’ve asked permission before grabbing him below the belt.

“I know,” Vic said, still laughing nervously as he looked at Kellin with a dumb grin on his face. He was embarrassed, but he wasn’t lashing out. “I’m sorry, Babe. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Are you okay?”

They laughed it off after that, and before long Vic was mentioning offhand to his friends at lunch how Kellin had a “good right-hook” (though he never gave too much personal context). Kellin would usually reply with “keep talking shit and you’ll get another” whenever Vic would mention getting slapped (or punched depending on how dramatic he felt that day) and they’d laugh. Something that could have been really terrible, could’ve led to something awful, didn’t faze them. That gave Kellin hope. If he could forget how frightened he was when Vic had grabbed him, if Vic could forget that Kellin _struck_ him, maybe they had a chance. 

Maybe they had something real.

Around the holidays they didn’t get to see each other much, maybe only three or four times over winter break. Even so, they stayed in close contact—calling and texting all the time so Kellin “wouldn’t get lonely” although Kellin was pretty sure Vic was the one getting lonesome. 

For Christmas they got each other small gifts. Kellin, not sure what to get Vic at all that his father wouldn’t confiscate, gave him a new t-shirt and a beanie to match it since he really loved his hats. He added, of course, some personal touches like little pins with logos of bands they both liked, then topped off his gift by tucking another handwritten song into the package. 

Kellin also got a song as his present, but it was even better when Vic brought his acoustic guitar and played it for him. It was so cliché and terrible (to have a boy in his bed playing guitar and singing to him for Christmas), but Kellin’s heart nearly burst he was so happy. He didn’t ever want Vic to leave after that and, yeah, he showed his enthusiasm in a way he usually didn’t in an attempt to make Vic stay later than he was allowed. 

All he got was an extra ten minutes and a hickey on his neck that he had to hide with a scarf his mother kept questioning him about. He realized after that day that he trusted Vic a lot more than he’d ever trusted Todd or anyone else. After the one instance he took things too far, Vic was always so cautious and careful. It surprised him so much when Kellin had been the one to touch him for a change, even if it was just over his clothes. He’d made so many appreciative noises as Kellin rubbed him through the front of his jeans and looked absolutely pained when he had to leave. 

Kellin knew where this was all inevitably heading, but he couldn’t stop himself. School started up again and Vic came over to his house more regularly again. He wasn’t _ready_ yet, but Vic never asked and never pushed so Kellin was content to let things go at their own pace for a while longer. 

That didn’t mean, however, that he wasn’t over the moon excited for the date Vic said he had planned for them on Saturday. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic made sure to be wearing the shirt Kellin bought him for Christmas underneath his denim jacket. He changed out the beanie for a black snap-back to match his dark jeans, but move the pins that had been on the hat to the front pocket of his jacket. Pins weren’t really his thing, but he’d wear them since Kellin had been the one to pick them out for him. 

He was taking Kellin out to see a movie and then they were going to get dinner somewhere afterwards—fast food, probably, or a diner depending on what Kellin was in the mood for. They were seeing a horror movie that was supposed to be pretty good, but Vic was more excited about being with Kellin more than he was he film. The movie was just an excuse to go out. He was just sad he had to be home before eleven.

If it was his father demanding it of him, Vic would make it a point to stay out until midnight, but it was his mother who had asked. She was worried about the bar crowd and drunk drivers and all that. (Plus she wouldn’t sleep until he was home safe, as she put it, and so he needed to come back at a reasonable time for her to go to bed.) For her, Vic would be respectful. 

So after acting like a girl (as Mike had put it was he watched Vic fuss with his outfit in the bathroom mirror for over ten minutes), Vic finally sent Kellin a text saying he was on his way over and left the house. He was so excited he was practically shaking as he put the key in the ignition of his car. They were going to _go out._ Finally! He would be able to treat Kellin the way he deserved to be treated—taking him out, blowing money on him in all the cheesy and romantic ways he could. 

The drive to his house seemed to last an eternity! 

Kellin was waiting for him outside when he pulled up, sparing Vic the awkward exchanges he always had with Kellin’s mother whenever she was around. One time she’d even pulled him aside and asked if they needed her to buy them condoms—condoms!—because she’d rather they be “safe than sorry.” That had probably been the most embarrassing, awkward moment of Vic’s entire life, and trying to explain away the horrible blush on his cheeks when Kellin asked had nearly been impossible. Yes, Vic would do almost anything to avoid that sort of situation again.

“You’re early,” Kellin said, leaning over to kiss Vic on the lips before settling into the passenger seat and fastening his seatbelt. 

“And you were waiting outside anyway,” Vic said, grinning like a moron because Kellin was wearing one of his t-shirts. He didn’t even remember Kellin taking that one, but he wasn’t about to complain. 

“Well, yeah. My mom is in there.” Kellin chuckled and turned up the radio as Vic drove them to the movie theater. 

The movie itself was pretty boring, but Vic didn’t mind. He got to watch Kellin eat popcorn and snuggle into his side. There was no better feeling than having Kellin curl up against him whenever anything “scary” would happen. He had a feeling Kellin was playing it up just to get closer, but it still made Vic proud to think that Kellin would go to him for protection (even if the monsters in that situation were trapped on the big screen).

They shared a cola (though Kellin drank almost the entire thing by himself) and a few kisses as the film played out. Vic was happy just to hold hands on the uncomfortable, plastic arm rest, but Kellin was the one who moved Vic’s hand to his knee—then his thigh. It made Vic blush a little even though he should’ve been used to Kellin putting his hand there. When they were alone together, that was as far as Vic was allowed to go with him. Kellin wouldn’t smack him again so long as he kept his hand on his thigh or the small of his back. He kept hoping he’d earn enough trust to go further (they practically dry humped each other whenever they were alone, why wouldn’t Kellin let him use his hands?) but never, ever pushed it. If Kellin was ready, he’d say so. 

He apparently wasn’t ready just yet, but at least he was entertaining the idea when he was being a tease like that. Not that Vic would ever call him a tease… Kellin shied away from him out of trauma, not because he wanted to play hard to get. 

So after a wonderful two hours spent cuddling in the dark, their movie ended and Vic got to take Kellin to dinner. He chose a diner instead of one of the fast food restaurants and ate pancakes while Vic picked at a burnt chicken sandwich. 

“You wouldn’t have that problem if you just gave up meat,” Kellin said, winking at him and grinning in his playful little way. “Don’t you want to be vegetarian like me?” 

In response, Vic just took a large bite of his less than appetizing sandwich. He wanted to send it back to the kitchen for something better, but didn’t want to make himself look like an asshole in front of Kellin. Despite the bad sandwich, he was still having a good time. 

Kellin just kept _smiling_ at him, talking and _smiling_ at him. Vic had _never_ seen his eyes sparkle that much—and it was all for him. Kellin was happy _because of him._ He’d manage to take all the pain and fear that Todd had instilled in Kellin’s heart and his eyes look bright and cheerful again.

He did that… Ninety percent of the time he was almost positive that he was a screw up, but when Kellin looked at him that way, Vic felt that maybe he wasn’t so useless after all. Maybe he did have a chance to be happy. Maybe he and Kellin had something _real._

Oh man… It _was_ real, wasn’t it? The feeling he had, it wasn’t just affection. He didn’t just _like_ Kellin a lot. Liking someone didn’t make your heart skip a beat when they smiled at you. 

He was in love with Kellin, wasn’t he? Yes, he realized as he watched Kellin watch him from across the table.

“Why are you staring at me?” Kellin asked, cheeks turning pink as he looked away for a fraction of a second before getting pulled back in by his love for the attention. 

It didn’t matter what his father had done to him, or what Todd had done to Kellin. They were together and they were safe to be _happy_ with one another, safe to know that they weren’t going to be hurt—at least not on purpose. 

Vic couldn’t help it. Kellin was giggling at him, telling him a story about his mom and her endless “worries” about them as a couple, and Vic just blurted it out.

“I love you.”

Kellin’s first response was to laugh, scrunching up his nose and looking away.

“No you don’t,” he said, still smiling like crazy.

“I do. I mean it. I love you,” Vic repeated, watching Kellin shake his head and blush until his whole face and neck were red. “I love you,” he said one last time, his voice softer.

Kellin had stopped laughing and was just looking at Vic, checking his expression to see if he were being honest. Vic’s expression must’ve been genuine.

“I love you too,” he said.

( ) ( ) ( )

He felt drunk. He felt higher than he ever had been on any of the drugs Todd had ever given him or slipped into his drinks. Vic loved him. He said it. He said it _out loud!_ It made Kellin so happy he almost felt as if he were floating when the time came for them to leave the diner and head home.

He didn’t really want to go home…

That thought kept nagging at him as they fastened themselves into their seats in Vic’s car. He didn’t want to go home. He didn’t want to hear his mother ask him inappropriate questions. He didn’t want to worry about Vic getting grounded or yelled at by his dad for staying out too late…

Vic had finally told him that he loved him, and Kellin wanted this night to last forever.

Kellin bit his lip and slowly inched his hand up Vic’s thigh. His heart was racing, he could practically hear it pulsing in his ears as he felt Vic’s entire body go rigid. 

“Um—What… What are you doing?” Vic asked, his voice choked with surprise as Kellin continue to slide his hand higher and higher—pausing only when Vic reached down and grabbed his hand. 

“I just… I had a lot of fun tonight,” Kellin said, his voice shaking a little. He wanted this. He didn’t want Vic to take him home just yet. 

“Yeah?” Vic stammered, his voice turning into a breathy sigh as Kellin pushed his hand higher still, nestling his fingers in the bend where Vic’s hip met his thigh. 

“I want to keep having fun tonight.” Kellin swallowed hard, trying not to let his nerves get the best of him. He knew what he wanted and he was positive that Vic wanted the same things. It was just a matter of getting him to agree, and Kellin wanted so badly for Vic to agree. 

“O-Okay, but I’m driving right now,” Vic said, his wide eyes fixed on the road as his fingers tightened their grip on both Kellin’s hand and the steering wheel. 

Kellin didn’t want to accept the rejection. He knew it was wrong, but he slid his hand forward, letting his knuckles brush against the bulge in Vic’s tight jeans. That gentle touch was enough to get Vic’s breath to catch in his throat, and the strangled sound he made just coaxed Kellin into taking his touches further. He hoped Vic wouldn’t think less of him—or find him to be too persistent. He didn’t want Vic to think he was the same sort of person as Todd who would take what he wanted whether his partner desired it or not. 

Kellin really hoped Vic didn’t find him cruel when he took the plunge and slid his hand all the way over from squeezing Vic’s thigh to cupping his groin.

“K-Kellin, I’m _driving!”_ Vic cried, his voice becoming shrill. 

“Then pull over,” Kellin said, scooting over in his seat until he was able to kiss Vic’s cheek. 

Still, Vic kept his eyes on the road and one hand on the steering wheel while the other held onto Kellin’s hand between his legs.

“I-I can’t! The cops will—”

“I know a place. No one will bother us,” Kellin said, rubbing his palm a little more firmly against the denim fabric stretched tightly over Vic’s arousal. 

“I have to take you home though,” Vic whined, his eyes fluttering slightly as he fought to resist the pleasure. 

“Do you not want to?” Kellin asked, sliding his hand back a little. His self-consciousness started to make a comeback, but the feeling was squashed when Vic grasped his hand tightly to keep it pinned exactly where it was. 

“Oh, I want to—but I _shouldn’t,”_ Vic whined. 

“Why not? I _want_ you. You look so good tonight.” Again, Kellin leaned over the center console in order to press wet kisses onto Vic’s cheek and the corner of his mouth. When they stopped at a red light, Vic finally turned to give him a kiss on the mouth. Kellin took the opportunity to stroke him a little more forcefully through his jeans and, as soon as the light turned green, Kellin knew all of his hard work was about to pay off.

“Okay—Okay. Where do you want to park? Where’s the place?”

Kellin pulled away completely then, giggling as he retreated to the safety of his own seat—laughing as Vic whined at the loss of contact. 

“Take a right at the next light and just keep going. The old theatre is out that way. It’s all overgrown and nobody ever goes there. It’s perfect.”

“Sounds like a place for drug deals,” Vic said, reaching down to adjust himself and squirming in his seat. 

“Maybe, but I’ve never seen any. I used to hang out there all the time,” Kellin said—leaving out all mention of Todd. Vic didn’t need to know the specifics. All he needed to know was a private place existed where they could both be together and forget about the rest of their problems. Vic wouldn’t have to worry about his relationship with father, and Kellin wouldn’t have to worry about Todd. Nothing would matter in their own sliver of private paradise. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic couldn’t bear how worked up Kellin had gotten him. It was a miracle he hadn’t crashed the very moment Kellin slid his hand up his thigh like he had. It was a miracle Kellin knew of a forgotten parking lot behind a smashed up building. It was a miracle there weren’t a dozen drug deals going on in the pitch-black lot. 

He was worried about the police showing up, but parked up against the building with the lights and engine off, Vic felt the dark green car was invisible. They were safe and isolated, and that overwhelming blackness all around them just seemed to give Kellin the confidence he needed to finally show a spark of the passion he’d obviously been hiding—either out of fear or uncertainty. 

He had to know now, though, that Vic was crazy about him. After making out in the front seat for a few minutes, Kellin wormed his way into the back and pulled Vic after him. Kellin kept his hand pressed between Vic’s legs and Vic, in turn, kept trying to fit his between Kellin’s thighs. It proved difficult, however, since Kellin wouldn’t hold still. He just kept moving around—pressing kisses to Vic’s lips one moment and to his neck and throat the next. 

“A-Are you sure about this?” Vic asked when he felt Kellin yanking at the zipper of his jeans—never mind the button he’d neglected to unfasten. 

“Yeah,” Kellin said, his lips pressed close to Vic’s ear. “Don’t you want me?”

“Oh, fuck,” Vic panted, grinding himself against Kellin’s palm. He knew this couldn’t go far—he didn’t have a condom and he sure as hell hadn’t thought to bring any lotion—but he was curious as to how far he was going to get. He sure as hell hoped Kellin wasn’t going to leave it at heavy petting, though if he did Vic still wouldn’t complain. This took trust, a whole lot of it—especially for Kellin—and Vic wasn’t about to mess that up with becoming overeager. 

It was hard, but Vic let Kellin make all the decisive moves. When Kellin was ready, he’d take things up a notch. Vic was just going to have to _try_ to be patient. Try really, really fucking hard. 

His hands were starting to shake as Kellin unfastened the button on his jeans and pulled them down along with Vic’ boxers—exposing his length for a brief second before it was encased by Kellin’s soft hand. 

Vic let out a deep moan and buried his face in Kellin’s neck, kissing and suckling on the skin even though he knew he shouldn’t dare try to leave a mark. The feel of that soft, thin flesh between his teeth was just too hard to give up though. Kellin kept letting out shrill little gasps and choked off moans each time Vic would nibble on his skin, encouraging him more and more as he moved from sweet spot to sweet spot on either side of Kellin’s neck and jawline. Vic honestly couldn’t wait to see what would happen when he finally got to put his mouth to use someplace a little sweeter. 

As soon as the thought entered his head, it seemed, Kellin pulled back from him and started pushing against Vic’s chest—shoving him back toward the door. 

Vic was startled at first, thinking he’d done something wrong—bitten Kellin’s neck a little too hard—but then Kellin was kissing him on the mouth and climbing all over him. Who knew a little bit of darkness and some privacy was all it took to get the boy to just _let go?_ He was shaking a little, but he was moaning into Vic’s mouth at the same time. As soon as Vic would touch him, Kellin would just press against him harder or start twitching—so visibly worked up it was a wonder he could even keep his balance on the narrow backseat. 

“I love you,” Kellin said in between one of their feverish kisses. He didn’t even give Vic a _second_ to echo the words back at him. Their lips parted, he said what he needed to, then his tongue found its way back into Vic’s mouth until he needed to breathe. 

“I love you, too,” Vic panted after Kellin pulled back a second time. Kellin stared at him for a moment, panting heavily, then licked his lips and gave a faint nod—as if coming to some decision that Vic hadn’t been allowed to overhear. 

_Love._ Vic loved him…

The very next thing Vic knew, Kellin’s head was going down and he had wrapped his lips around the head of Vic’s cock. It was so unexpected that Vic’s hips jerked involuntarily, the pleasure almost too much for him. Kellin gagged and pulled off, but before Vic could apologize, he’d leaned forward and started suckling the tip again. Vic managed to keep his hips still, but his hands seemed to have a mind of their own. One started stroking Kellin’s hair while the other gripped at the boy’s shoulder blade—scratching it and squeezing it as Kellin moved his head up and down, taking in a little more each time. 

Every time he made himself gag, Kellin would pull off completely and Vic would sigh at the loss—hating how cold the air felt against his spit-slick skin. He wasn’t about to pull Kellin back down, though. He couldn’t mess this up—he couldn’t ruin this. Tonight had been so perfect and he wanted it to just keep getting better. 

Todd was the only person Kellin had ever been with and Vic was desperate to set himself apart from that awful guy. He wanted to show Kellin what real affection looked like—what sex could be like when both parties wanted and enjoyed it. 

Kellin didn’t leave him wanting for long. As soon as he regained his composure, he set back to work. He kept one hand on the base of Vic’s cock—holding it even though Vic would _kill_ to have him stroke him a little instead of staying still—and worked his lips over the head and down his shaft. 

Vic could feel his orgasm creeping closer and closer, embarrassingly quicker than he would have liked. He tried to keep his hips still as his back arched against the door painfully—no doubt leaving a bruise to remind him of the pleasant occasion. Choked screams tore free of his throat as he dug his nails harder into Kellin’s shoulder. He hoped he didn’t hurt the boy, but he really couldn’t help himself. His whole body was becoming so tense and it was getting harder to breathe until finally he reached the edge. 

Kellin made a strange, almost displeased sound when the hot seed spurted onto his tongue, but he didn’t pull back. He stayed still and continued sucking gently on the head of Vic’s cock until he was fully spent. Once was pulled away though, he retreated all the way to the other side of the backseat and opened the door—causing the overhead light to come on in the car—and spat onto the pavement outside. 

Vic stared at him, feeling a little sorry for him since he imagined how awful the taste could be, and tried to catch his breath. As soon as the door closed again, the lights in the car shut off—leaving Vic feeling blind as he fumbled for Kellin the dark. It took a moment, but as soon as he found the boy’s mouth, he kissed him as deeply as he could, not letting himself be put off by the taste in his mouth. Kellin’s noises started to become needier as Vic ran his hands down his hips. 

Instead of letting Kellin press himself against the door as he himself had done, Vic pulled Kellin’s hips until the boy was laying down across the backseat. He stayed between Kellin’s legs, kissing him on the mouth and neck a while before making his way lower and taking the boy out of his jeans. 

Vic cursed the spots in his vision left over from the bright lights, and licked a striped up the length of Kellin’s cock—wishing he could see what he was doing, even if it was for his own guilty pleasures. Feeling Kellin was one thing, but seeing him would be another. He’d have to wait for that luxury, though. For now, he was going to take what he could get before the cops showed up and arrested him right then and there for public indecency. 

What a horror for his parents that would be. Vic almost laughed at the thought, but settled for taking as much of Kellin’s length into his throat as he could, wrapping his fingers around what was left. Kellin gasped in pleasure, his entire body arching off the seat in an attempt to get more. Vic moved his hand up and down while rubbing the tip of his tongue against Kellin’s slit—lapping at the pre-cum until Kellin started to groan and pull away from the oversensitivity. Vic pulled back in favor of moving his mouth a little lower, stroking his tongue across Kellin’s sac before sucking one of his balls into his mouth. 

The scream Kellin let out was priceless. His hands were immediately in Vic’s hair, knocking his hat the rest of the way off so his fingers could get tangled up and start pulling. Vic might have thought Kellin didn’t like it if not for the way Kellin bucked against his mouth. 

Vic moved from sucking one ball to the other, then turned his attention back to Kellin’s erection which throbbed in his hand. Hot pre-cum had started dribbling down over Vic’s hand and, with a few more strategic licks and a little bit of suction, Kellin started cumming. 

Vic didn’t give himself the option to pull back and spit. He swallowed, then kept swallowing around Kellin’s length until the boy pushed him back and rolled on his side to get away. His whole body was trembling as he came down from his orgasm, but he kept grasping for Vic with one hand until Vic entwined their fingers. 

They both worked to catch their breath as Vic laid down behind him on the narrow seat, nuzzling Kellin’s sweaty neck and pressing kisses onto his shoulder. Vic felt so safe here—so happy for once. He’d tricked himself so often into thinking he was happy before, but nothing compared to this. Nothing else in the world mattered to him now—not how late it had to be getting, not what his father would say or try to do to him when he got home. All that mattered was Kellin and Kellin’s steady breathing, all he needed was to hold Kellin closer and keep him warm. 

This—it was so simple—was happiness. 

This was perfection. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Kellin hated to get back in front seat. He just wanted to stay close to Vic and take a nap in the backseat, but he knew the trouble Vic would get in for every minute he was late home. 

And he was already so, _so_ late. 

Kellin kept himself leaned over the center console in order to kiss Vic’s cheek the whole time they made their way out of the parking lot and down the dark, deserted street back toward the main stretch in town—still teeming with life after eleven p.m. on a Saturday.

He knew if a cop saw him leaning over so far, they might pull them over so he’d had to sink back into his seat—though he kept one hand on Vic’s thigh. Now that it was all said and done, the fear was creeping back into his chest.

What if Vic had gotten what he wanted and now he just wanted to leave? What if after he dropped Kellin off at home, he never talked to him again? What if it had all been some kind of joke?

“Fuck, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me, I swear,” Vic said, cutting through all of Kellin’s doubts in one, breathy phrase. He had put down the window and the wind was rustling his hair as they made their way down the street, heading for the highway that would take them home. He looked like something out of a movie, the way the yellow streetlamps lit up his skin. His eyes were sparkling so much and Kellin really couldn’t keep himself from staring. “Like… I don’t think you get it, either. My dad is going to _kill_ me, and I don’t even care. I don’t! It’s just like you…and—and just _everything,_ you know? Shit… When I’m with you it…it just _makes sense._ I’m happy. You make me really fuckin’ happy, and you don’t even get it.”

“I get it,” Kellin said, smiling like an idiot. No one talked to him this way and he was absolutely basking in it—even if Vic was mostly just babbling. Vic was happy, and he was the reason Vic was so happy. To Kellin, there was nothing more flattering.

They stopped at another red light and Kellin leaned over to kiss him on the mouth again, admiring the way Vic smiled at him when he pulled back. That look in Vic’s eyes—that love drunk, hazy look had to be the most beautiful thing Kellin had ever seen.

And then the bright lights caught his eye and finally something managed to pull his focus off of Vic. 

“What’s the matter, Kell?”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorrryyyyyy (No I'm not)

Kellin didn’t even get a chance to warn him. He was frozen, hoping what he was seeing wasn’t happening. Hoping what he was seeing was about to stop. 

But nothing stopped, and the next thing he knew, the front end of a vehicle much larger than Vic’s small car had smashed itself full on into the driver’s side door. Kellin felt it like a punch, his entire body being slammed this way and that, the airbags going off but hardly cushioning any of the blows—his vision turning solid white for split second before all he could see were hazy streetlamps through a cloud of grey steam. 

An awful whining noise was undercut by the loud blaring of the other vehicle’s horn, slicing through Kellin’s concentration as he tried to make sense of what was going on around him. He felt stuck—his eyes trained on one of the lamps, watching the way it wavered and twitched through the steam. That whining sound grew worse and worse, followed by a vicious clanging of metal on metal. 

Kellin slowly brought a hand up to his face, surprised when he saw how badly he was shaking. He didn’t feel afraid—he didn’t feel much of anything except a dull ache in his cheek and bottom lip. 

In the distance he could hear a dull, pounding noise that seemed so different and out of place compared to the screeching metal and blaring horn. He blinked a few more times as he lowered his hand, then let his head loll to the side—taking his vision off the hazy, yellow streetlamp. 

That was when the knocking really came into focus. There was a person standing outside the window, banging their fist into the glass over and over—screaming at him. 

He watched their lips, but the words didn’t make any sense. It made him sick to look at the dark features and the way they were outlined in nauseating yellow. Kellin closed his eyes and let his head turn in the other direction.

When he opened them again, the sight he was met with made the stranger’s face seem pleasant. 

“Vic?” Kellin said, not sure if the name even left his mouth. 

Blood. All he saw was glistening blood and bright, white headlights from that other vehicle. Vic was slumped over, facing Kellin’s direction, with his chin down against his chest—the door of the car pressed unnaturally into his back—part of the sky visible from how the door had buckled and folded under the force of the impact. 

“Vic?” Kellin repeated, his voice trembling as the fear overtook him. 

Every sense he’d lost at the moment of impact came rushing back. His face hurt like hell, the engine of Vic’s car was _screaming_ from the damage that had been done, people were gathered all around them screaming and trying to pull open the doors which all had been locked. 

“Vic?—Baby?” Kellin reached out to touch Vic’s face, his stomach tightening as his fingers slid across a cheek bathed in blood. Was he still breathing? Had he died? No—No, he couldn’t die. No, this couldn’t be happening. “Vic!” Kellin screamed, pulling away to unfasten his seatbelt. He ignored the person pounding on the passenger side window, ignored the man shouting to him through the opening in the car’s roof where part of the driver’s side door used to be. “Vic? Are you okay?”

Kellin touched his shoulder, too frantic to form a logical thought. He should open the door, he should let someone help them, but there wasn’t an ambulance anywhere he could see—no sirens he could hear over the wailing engine and blasting horn. He was the only one right now who could reach Vic—and he really, really hoped he could still reach Vic.

“Vic! Come on. Wake up!” 

Kellin didn’t know how long it went on, but for whatever reason, when red and blue lights started flashing across Vic’s face, his eyes shot open and he lifted his head.

“Vic!” Kellin shouted, relief flooding him. It didn’t matter how much blood was on his face because Vic was alive—he was moving. He’d turned his head, shifted one of his legs. He wasn’t paralyzed, he was still breathing. The words he formed, however, didn’t make any sense. They were fractured and shaky, broken up syllables as Vic stared out the demolished windshield at the steam and smoke pouring from his engine. “Baby, are you okay?” Kellin called, desperate to get Vic’s attention back on him. He needed to hear Vic say he was alright, even if his head was cut open and he seemed to have trouble lifting his left arm. 

“My… My car,” Vic stammered, sounding half-asleep and justifiably dazed. He turned his head part of the way toward the door pressed into his back, but gave a cry of pain and stopped, letting it fall forward again—his eyes coming to land on Kellin. “Kell? Kell, you’re bleeding,” he said, reaching out with his right hand to touch Kellin’s bottom lip. 

Even that small contact was enough to send Kellin reeling back against his own seat. When he lifted his hand to touch the afflicted area, his fingers came away wet with blood. Again, Kellin was made to turn his attention to the pounding at his window—only this time the stranger outside was dressed as a cop. 

“Kell, you’re bleeding,” Vic said again—as if he didn’t notice anything else going on around him.

“You need to shut the car off _now!”_ the officer outside was screaming as he tapped on the window. 

“Kell, you’re bleeding…”

“It’s on fire! Shut off the car and exit the vehicle.” 

“Vic,” Kellin said, looking back over at his boyfriend who stared at him vacantly. “Vic, turn the key.”

“What?” 

“Turn the key, Baby,” Kellin said. He tried to reach for it himself, but a sharp pain rocketed up his spine and he was left gasping for air—his entire body paralyzed with pain for a moment until he fell back against the seat. “Please, shut off the car, Vic. Please. Please, just turn the key.” He said it over and over until Vic finally seemed to understand.

He turned himself slightly in the crunched-in seat and reached for the key. It took him a moment, but he was able to turn the key back toward himself and kill the engine—silencing its deafening wails. The other vehicle’s horn, at some point, had ceased its call as well, making the only sounds around them the screams of the people and the cry of police sirens. 

The officer kept hitting the window until Kellin turned back toward him and unlocked the door. As soon as his finger fell away from the latch, the door was yanked open and the officer was shining a flashlight down on them. As soon as he saw Vic, he radioed someone—muttering in a voice Kellin couldn’t hear. Then he leaned in and unfastened Kellin’s seatbelt.

“Can you move? Do you think you can stand?”

“I-I think… I think I can, but Vic—”

“The car is on fire—we need you to get out.”

Kellin turned back to look at Vic whose eyes had closed yet again. In the bright light from the police officer’s torch, Kellin could see the prominent gash in Vic’s scalp—just above his left ear. It seemed to be the source of all the blood, but Vic’s lip was split and dibbling down onto his shirt as well. 

The shirt he’d bought him for Christmas…

“Sir, we need you to move.”

Kellin felt hands on his shoulder and arm, pulling him until he got to his feet outside of the car. He kept trying to look back into the car, wanting to keep Vic within his sight. He was scared. He was so, so scared that this was the last memory he was ever going to have of him—dressed in his favorite clothes, passed out and bloodied behind the wheel of his car. 

“Come on. You can sit over here. The ambulance will be here soon.” When the officer led him to the curb alongside the road, two more took his place at the open car door. They were peering in at Vic with flashlights, then one crawled inside to the passenger’s seat. 

From here, Kellin could see the smoke and flames spilling out the front end of Vic’s car. Part of the engine was sticking out the frame on the passenger’s side and the lights all around them lit up the shiny fluids leaking onto the pavement. 

There was a crowd forming around them, and a woman was talking to another officer a few paces away. The gestures she was making with her arms suggested she was retelling the story of the accident, finishing with both her arm smacking into each other in a crude representation of the horror Kellin had witnessed firsthand.

“We’ve gotta get him out the other side. We can’t pull him out this way. We need to move that truck.” 

Kellin stared at the wreckage, watching the flames get brighter and brighter as a group of people worked to separate the truck from the side of Vic’s car by hand. An ambulance was pulling up alongside the road around the same time firefighters managed to put out of the flames around the engine, but they were still working to cut through the side of Vic’s car to get him free. 

“I know you’re shook up, but I need to ask you some questions,” the officer said, moving to sit down in front of Kellin on the ground. “Alright?”

“Okay,” Kellin said, trying to pull his focus away from the car. He told the officer his name and Vic’s name, told him they’d been out to the movies and were heading home when they got in the accident. They’d been stopped at the light he said—and had to keep saying. 

“What color was the light?” The officer asked.

“Red,” Kellin told him.

“Were you stopped at the light or going through the intersection?”

“We were stopped,” Kellin said, getting irritated that they were trying to blame this on Vic. He hadn’t been running the red light. They’d stopped—Kellin knew they’d been stopped because they’d been kissing, not that he was going to tell the officer so. 

He gave them his mother’s contact information, but couldn’t offer the phone number for Vic’s parents. Once the officer was satisfied, he walked away to question the driver of the other vehicle—a person Kellin couldn’t even bear to look at—even though he stood in handcuffs by one of the police cruisers. 

All Kellin could do then was sit there and shake, hardly aware of what was happening or how much time had passed. There was a blanket around his shoulders that he didn’t remember being placed there, but it couldn’t keep out the chill. 

“Vic?” Kellin forced himself onto his unsteady feet when he saw two firefighters emerge from the other side of the car, supporting what had to be Vic between them. He was walking on his own, but every now and then his left leg would give out and they would have to hold him in place until he regained his footing. “Vic!”

Kellin dropped the blanket from his shoulders and moved as quickly as he could to get to Vic’s side. Vic lifted his head when he heard his name and he managed to get his right arm out from behind the firefighter’s neck in order to reach for him. 

Paramedics were hurrying over with a gurney, but Kellin was desperate to hold Vic one last time before they strapped him down to the plastic bed. 

“Kell?” 

They let Vic stand there a moment, still holding him up even as Kellin got close enough to touch him. He put one hand on Vic’s cheek—the side which wasn’t bloody—and looked him over. His left shoulder was hunched forward—dislocated, Kellin was sure—and his face was still bloody, but otherwise he was standing and walking. The worst damage Kellin could imagine seeming to be ruled out. He was breathing, he was walking, and he still knew Kellin’s name. 

They would make it through this. They could still make it through this.

“Are you okay?” Kellin asked, even though it was obvious he wasn’t.

“Here, sit down on this,” one of the firefighters said, guiding Vic forward a step toward the gurney. 

“Is that my car?” Vic asked, suddenly distracted by what was happening behind them. His eyes went wide as he watched firefighters spray the front end yet again with extinguishers. “Oh my God—is that my _car!?_ My dad is going to kill me! Oh my God!”

“Vic, it’s fine,” Kellin said, terrified when Vic started resisting the firefighters and paramedics who pressured him to sit down on the gurney. He hadn’t the strength to get away and only succeeded in falling onto the pavement. “Vic! Your dad isn’t going to be mad. We’ll be fine, okay? It’s fine. Okay, Baby? It’s fine. Do you hear me?” Kellin said, dropping down in front of him on the ground and grabbing his shoulder to help him keep his balance. 

“M-My car, Kellin!”

“It’s okay—it’s alright.”

“No! It’s not alright! I-I’m late home,” he stammered, losing strength as the paramedics pulled him up from the ground with Kellin’s help. “W-We have to…have to fix it before he sees.”

“Vic—”

“We need to fix it. I-I have to fix it before Dad gets here.”

“Vic, we can’t fix it…”

“It’s the concussion talking,” one of the paramedics interjected, looking at Kellin until he made eye contact. “You can’t reason with him right now.” 

Kellin watched helplessly as they fitted a brace around Vic’s neck and coaxed him to lay down on the gurney. Once he was strapped down they moved toward the ambulance and Kellin followed after them, his legs still so unsteady. 

“So what happened to you guys?” One of the other paramedics asked after the ambulance doors had closed and they were on their way to the emergency room. Vic was staring past Kellin at the ceiling and the lights, still going on and on and on about how they had to hide the car before his dad could see. Sometimes he’d remember he was talking to Kellin, other times he’d start calling him Mike. 

“What am I going to tell Dad, Mike? We can’t let him see the car like this… Mike, what are we going to do?” Vic would babble and the paramedics insisted that nothing Kellin could say was going to help him until he got treatment.

“We were at the stoplight and…that guy just hit us,” Kellin said, thinking about those bright, white headlights. “We were stopped…”

“You sure took a hell of hit. You’re lucky it wasn’t a lot worse,” the paramedic said.

Kellin stared down at Vic’s bloodied face and tried to stop the images from playing over in his head. He would do anything to get that picture of Vic slumped over in his seat out of his mind. He was so sure in that moment that Vic was gone. He didn’t know what he’d do with himself if Vic had died—if something went wrong and he did die.

This was all his fault…

He was the one who pushed Vic to stay out after his curfew so they could mess around. He was the reason they were at that stoplight. If not for him, Vic would be home where he was safe, not strapped to a gurney in an ambulance. If not for him, Vic wouldn’t be starting to cry in fear of what his father was going to do to him over that stupid car. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Kellin hated that they were separated as soon as they were admitted to the hospital. Vic was taken away on the gurney and immediately placed in a room far, far down the hall from the curtained-off area Kellin was placed. Vic needed X-rays immediately, the paramedics had said on intake. His arm might be broken as well as dislocated—they couldn’t tell for sure—and he’d gotten more and more disoriented by the minute causing greater concern about his head injury.

Kellin would’ve given anything to be able to stay at his side, to offer him comfort as the strange doctors worked over him. It was hard to focus on his own injuries when the nurse came in to talk to him. All he wanted was to hear about Vic—to know if Vic was alright. 

“Do you know if your head hit anything? The window?—The dashboard? Anything at all?” The nurse asked, writing everything down on a clipboard. 

“I…I don’t know. I might have.” When he lifted his hand to touch the sore spot on the back of his skull, he felt a very prominent bump but he was afraid to mention it. He didn’t want them to start running tests on him that his mother couldn’t afford. His attempts at secrecy were wasted when the nurse began to inspect him herself. She started off my slowly making him turn his head to the left and right, testing the degree of pain to see if he might’ve gotten whiplash, then she felt over his scalp and he couldn’t help but gasp when she pressed against the bump.

“Is that tender?—Yes, I think you must’ve hit your head at some point. Not surprised.” She jotted that down, then had him list off other areas that were stiff or sore. 

When she went to leave, Kellin stopped her and asked if she’d check on Vic and let him know how he was doing. She promised she would, but didn’t come back before the doctor came to examine him. 

Before he even started, he let Kellin know that his mother was on her way in and that despite his pain, they couldn’t give him any medicine until his mother arrived and signed the proper forms. 

“I won’t have to get, like, an MRI or anything, will I?” Kellin asked as the doctor started pressing against the same lump on his head that the nurse had found. “I-I don’t think my mom can afford it.”

“No, no. I don’t think that’s anything you need to worry about right now. You seem lucid enough that I’m not too worried about bleeding in the brain or anything to that extent. Given the circumstances, I do believe you’re probably suffering a mild concussion and maybe some whiplash, but it’s nothing to be too concerned about. You might start to feel groggy or nauseated in the next few hours once the adrenaline stops pumping, but I’m fairly certain you’ve got nothing more to worry about.” The doctor smiled at him, then looked over the papers the nurse had given him. “It says here you’re having stiffness in your…left arm?”

Kellin said yes, then regretted it immediately when the doctor started trying to bend his arm and make him rotate his shoulder. It hurt like a knife and he ended up shrinking away after the doctor’s second attempt to lift his arm.

That resulted in the doctor feeling over his arm and shoulder and stating that he might have a slight dislocation, though nothing seemed to be too out of place or swollen. Kellin wouldn’t need a splint or a shoulder sling since using one would be more likely to cause his muscles to stiffen rather than heal. The doctor would prescribe medication to help relax his muscles and painkillers if his mother signed the proper forms when she arrived.

It didn’t take long at all for her to make her appearance, and once she was in the room Kellin was covered in wet kisses he hadn’t asked for and embraces so tight that his ribs started hurting as well. 

“What _happened?_ All they’d tell me is you got into accident!” She was still clutching at him as she asked, barely loosening her grip enough for him to get a breath let alone speak. “Vic didn’t hit someone else, did he?”

“Some guy hit us at a red light. They had him in handcuffs so I don’t know if he was drunk or what happened. Vic was hurt really bad,” Kellin added, the images of him slumped over and unconscious in the driver’s seat surfacing in his mind again. “No one’s told me if he’s okay.”

“Oh, God,” his mother breathed, shaking her head before pulling Kellin into another bruising embrace. “At least you’re alright. At least you’re okay…”

The doctor began explaining his injuries to her, then left to go order prescriptions. After he was gone, Kellin’s mother began her own examination of him—whimpering over the bruises on his cheek and arms as well as his bloody lip. 

“I can’t believe this… I just can’t believe this happened. I was worried you’d been out so late, but I thought you two were messing around. I didn’t think you’d gotten hurt…” 

“I just want someone to tell me about Vic,” Kellin interjected. “The truck hit his door. He was knocked unconscious.”

“Was he awake when they brought him in?” His mother asked. She didn’t even look concerned about Vic. She was too satisfied knowing Kellin was alright… Kellin hated that. He was fine—why wasn’t anyone worried about Vic the way he was?

He talked to his mother more about the accident, then the doctor returned with his prescriptions and a couple of tablets for him to take before bed since he couldn’t get his prescriptions filled before morning. He said nothing about Vic or where Vic’s room was in the hospital. 

It was torture. All Kellin wanted was to be with his boyfriend, make sure he was still breathing and protect him if his father tried to hurt him over this. 

“Mom, I’m not leaving until I see him!” Kellin shouted when his mother insisted they go despite Kellin receiving no answers when he talked to the nurses on their way down the hall. “I just need to see him! I need to know he’s alive!” 

“I’m sure he’s fine, Kellin. His parents are probably with him right now. You said he was awake when he was in the ambulance. He’ll be alright. I’m sure you’ll hear something in the morning.”

“That’s too long! We just need to ask somebody who knows where he is. We have to find him…” Kellin looked helplessly around the white corridors, then hurried over to the nurse who had been with him when he first arrived in the ER. “Did you see Vic?—Did you hear anything?” He asked. She’d said she’d check on him after she left his room, then she’d never come back. 

“Victor? Oh, yes… His family got here a little bit ago.” Her face looked so grave. It made Kellin’s stomach tighten. 

“Is he okay?”

“Why don’t I go see if his parents will let you in to see him? I can’t discuss his conditions with you.” She walked away and Kellin immediately began to follow her despite his mother’s sharp protest. He was going to see Vic. He was going to see him one way or another. 

The nurse noticed him right away, but merely gestured for him to wait outside of the door of Vic’s room as she stepped inside.

“Hello, Victor’s friend is here and wants to see him. Can he come in for a little bit?” She asked, keeping her voice quiet and pleasant.

Kellin couldn’t hear what Vic’s mother said in response, her voice was merely a soft hum, but when the nurse stepped back outside she gestured for him to go in the room. 

“I’ll wait here, Kellin,” his mother said, leaning against the wall. Kellin nodded to her, then worked up the courage to step through the doorway.

Mike was sitting in a chair in the far corner of the hospital room while his mother sat on the hospital bed next to Vic who had an oxygen mask fitted over his face and his eyes closed. Kellin looked away quickly, scanning the room again. Vic’s father wasn’t even there…

“He’s asleep because of the medication,” Mike said, breaking the long silence. 

“Is he—” Kellin started to ask if Vic was alright, if he was uninjured, but Vic’s mother cut him off.

“His shoulder is sprained and the impact dislocated his hip, and he has whiplash so they have to keep the brace on him,” she said, her voice cracking as she reached up to stroke Vic’s hair around a thick, white bandage. “They said his concussion wasn’t too bad, but…” Whatever she said next was lost in a sob. Seeing her so upset almost made Kellin cry, but he was desperate not to start weeping in front of her even though it hurt him to see Vic in such poor condition. 

“What even happened?” Mike asked. “They said you guys were in an accident and the cops were supposed to come by, but no one’s been here.”

“We were at a stop light and this guy just…hit us,” Kellin said, squeezing his eyes shut as the memory of those bright lights flashed in his mind. “We were stopped. He just ran right into us. I think he was drunk, but I don’t know. They had him in handcuffs.”

“I hope he rots in jail for this,” Vic’s mother hissed, moving to sit on the bed beside her son and leaning down to kiss the top of his head. She looked so devastated and Kellin couldn’t help but think of how Vic had believed she didn’t love him. 

Then he thought of how she was sad and sorry now, but had turned a blind eye when Vic had been _beaten._ How was this any different? Because his life had been at stake? Because her husband hadn’t been the one to hurt him?

As soon as that thought entered his mind, Kellin couldn’t help but feel the rage as it began to consume him. He thought of the marks he’d seen on Vic’s thighs, thought of how Vic had winced as he sat down to his desk in school, remembered how Vic had limped when he walked and laid in bed the day Kellin came to visit him.

How could Vic’s mother cry over this after allowing all of _that_ to happen? Kellin _knew_ it happened more than once. She let her husband hurt Vic—his Vic—and then dared to cry over him?

Kellin had half the mind to push her off the hospital bed where she was sat and take her place himself. He loved Vic more than anyone in this room. He felt it like punches whenever Vic was sad or sick or hurting. It made him sad to see Vic with a slight cold. How could she listen to him get struck and not intervene? How could she put Vic through that?

How dare she make Vic believe that no one was able to love him, then cry over him when he was asleep and couldn’t hear? Didn’t she know what she’d done to him? 

Kellin hated to see her being the only one to touch Vic, so he made his way closer to the bed and sat down on Vic’s other side. He didn’t care when Vic’s mother pulled back and looked uncomfortable. 

He loved Vic more than she did. He’d _proved_ , just before this awful mess, just how much Vic meant to him.

Vic’s face twitched a little, his eyes squeezing shut as if he were grimacing in pain behind the oxygen mask. Kellin felt so sorry for him and wished he could do more than hold his cold hand. 

“It’s going to be okay, Baby. I’m here for you,” Kellin said, staring at his boyfriend’s closed eyes. _“I’m_ here.” He leaned forward then and kissed Vic on his forehead, just below the white bandage. 

Vic’s mother let out of noise of either shock or repulsion, but Kellin didn’t care. Vic needed him. Vic deserved all the affection in the world and _no one_ was going to take that away.


	17. Chapter 17

_Heard ur boyfriend’s in a coma._

_He finally go braindead from how stupid u r?_

_Id kill myself 2 if I were still dating u._

_He was probly trying 2 kill u when he crashed._

_Fuckin answer me bitch._

Ever since Todd found out about Vic being hospitalized, the text messages never stopped. They came in at all hours of the night, all day… All the time. Kellin kept the messages to himself, never daring to give his ex- any more information that he already had. Vic wasn’t in any coma and he hadn’t crashed trying to kill them.

He slept a lot from the pain medications but he was going to be released from the hospital in the next day or so once the doctors were certain he was able to walk without falling and hurting himself. Since the driver who had hit them was drunk and lost control of his truck, he was found at fault and was charged. His insurance company was covering all of Vic’s medical expenses as well as Kellin’s—even though Kellin stopped going to physical therapy after day one. He didn’t feel he needed it and the doctor had weirded him out. He’d rather just work his shoulder out on his own and take his muscle relaxers when it came time to sleep.

Kellin read the latest cruel text from Todd, a short _ur gonna b sorry 4 this,_ then put his phone into his pocket and went into Vic’s hospital room. Both of his parents and Mike were gone to the restaurant for the night so Kellin was finally going to get some time to be with him alone.

“Hey,” Kellin said as he stepped into the room.

Vic’s head snapped up from the phone screen he’d been staring at and his eyes widened in happy surprise.

“Hey! You came!”

“Well yeah—I told you I would.” Kellin hurried over to the bed and leaned down to give Vic a kiss on the mouth, unable to stop himself from smiling. “How are you feeling?”

“My back hurts, but what else is new, right?” Vic said, kissing Kellin on the cheek one last time as Kellin pulled back from him in order to sit down on the bed. “Is your shoulder feeling any better?”

“Yeah. I can move it and stuff,” Kellin said, kissing Vic on the mouth again and earning a small laugh for his efforts. “Has your dad come around today?”

“No—No, not today,” Vic said, shaking his head. For the first day or two after the accident, Vic had had an awful time facing his father. Apparently the night he’d been brought to the ER, he’d panicked as soon as his father came in the room. He was out of his mind from the shock and concussion, and had been terrified that his father was going to hurt him. It had put the hospital staff on high alert, especially when he was changed into a hospital gown and they noticed his old scars from the beating his father had given him months ago over the drugs. If he’d been younger, Kellin was sure they would’ve done more investigating, but apparently one visit from social services to their home was all they deemed necessary for a teenager. Mike seemed well cared for and didn’t show any signs of abuse or trauma so they all left it alone.

Vic wasn’t going to be beaten for being in the accident and that was all that mattered to Kellin. If his father hurt him for that, Kellin would kill the man himself. Vic was hurting enough—he did _not_ deserve a beating. 

“I’m so glad you’re here. I was getting so bored. I hope they let me go home soon.”

“Tomorrow or Friday, right?” 

“Yeah, but the sooner the better. I’m bored out of my mind.” 

“I can give you something to keep you busy,” Kellin said, laying himself on the bed at Vic’s side and kissing his neck. They never messed around here since Vic was injured and it was far too risky, but Kellin still wanted to show he was capable of being flirtatious. He didn’t want Vic to think anything had changed between them because of the accident and didn’t want to lose any of the intimacy they’d gotten that night in the back of the car. 

“Mm, yeah I bet you could,” Vic said before humming softly with pleasure. “I like that… Oh.” Vic squirmed a little as Kellin continued to kiss and nibble at his neck. “Don’t tease me,” Vic whimpered, leaning away. 

“You like that a lot, huh?” Kellin asked, giggling and pulling away. He laid his head on the pillow Vic had propped behind his back. 

“I like you a lot,” Vic said, smiling down at Kellin.

“I love you a lot.”

“Oh, I love you more,” Vic said, leaning down to kiss Kellin on the mouth. Kellin basked in the attention—the love. It made it so much easier to forget the awful messages Todd kept sending him. He’d block his number, but every time Todd would just work around it—using web apps and other things to get his point across. 

“I want you out of the hospital,” Kellin said, rubbing Vic’s leg as he snuggled closer. “I feel so bad for you…”

“I’m feeling a lot better. Maybe it’ll be tonight. Maybe I can go home tonight if my dad will leave the restaurant long enough to check me out.” 

“Has he been around a lot?”

“Not really…” Vic looked over at the window, clearly uncomfortable with the conversation. “He got mad at me yesterday.” 

“Mad at you? What the hell for?” 

“You know, he finally put together that we were out later than we were supposed to be before we got in the accident. He was saying I should’ve known better and that it’s my own fault for staying out with the drunks and all of that.” 

“As long as he doesn’t hurt you…”

“He won’t,” Vic said, stealing another kiss. “I won’t let him, remember? No one’s hurting me anymore.” 

“I really hope not. It kills me when you’re hurting.”

“Well I’m fine. So tell me what you’ve been up to. Anything fun at home?”

“Just Mom being Mom. She’s mad at me for quitting physical therapy still.”

“You should go—it’s free.”

“Yeah, but the doctor’s a freak. He checked out my butt.” 

“Ew. Fucking freak… Though I can’t blame him. You’ve got a nice ass.”

“Shut up,” Kellin said, blushing and rolling onto his stomach to hide his blush.

“So just your mom being grumpy?”

“Yeah… That and games and—”

“Todd?”

Kellin stopped chuckling and rolled back onto his side, facing Vic. 

“He sends texts but I never answer.”

“Same ones as always?”

“Yeah—calling me stupid and blaming me for everything.” 

“Nothing that happened is your fault,” Vic said—just as he had every day Kellin visited him. He was so much the opposite of Todd. Instead of blaming him, Vic worked so hard to reassure him that nothing was his fault. Not a single thing in the world was his fault when he was with Vic. 

“It wasn’t your fault either,” Kellin said.

“Yeah… I should’ve had my eyes on the road still.”

“We weren’t even moving, Vic. What were you going to do?”

“I could’ve put it in reverse…”

“And hit the person behind us?”

“I don’t know…”

“Stop listening to your dad. There was nothing you could do. It was an accident. If anything, I should’ve just let you take me home like you were supposed to.”

Vic was quiet for a moment, staring at the window again before looking back at Kellin and quirking his brow. 

“You know, I think the accident was worth it. I wish I still had my car, but you were more than worth it.” 

Kellin giggled and buried his face again, too bashful to accept the compliments. Todd had always made him feel so worthless and guilty and sick of himself. Vic, on the other hand, made him feel like his life had meaning and value. Vic was the only person who had ever made him feel cherished. 

“You are worth it,” Vic said. 

“Maybe when you get home we can do something extra special,” Kellin suggested, smiling a little while trying to put a little bit of seduction in his eyes. 

“Oh? Like what?”

“You know,” Kellin said, wiggling his hips a little. 

Vic’s eyes got wide for a moment and he turned away again, his cheeks turning bright red. Maybe he wasn’t quite ready for all that, Kellin thought when all he go for his offer were nervous chuckles. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Finally home. He was finally home. Vic could barely walk up the stairs to his bedroom, but nothing comforted him as much as the feeling of his familiar mattress curving to fit his body. Home. _Home._

“Vic? You never told me what you wanted for dinner.” 

He hadn’t even gotten to lay down for five minutes before his mother was in his doorway, then sitting beside him on his bed touching him. 

“Do you want some enchiladas or—”

“I’m not really hungry, Mom. I just want to take a nap.”

“Well, what would you like when you wake up? I could make some pasta… Do you want me to order pizza?”

“Ask Mike what he wants. I’ll eat anything. I just want to sleep right now.”

“I thought they said they were weening you off the drugs…” His mother said with a heavy sigh.

“I’m not tired from the drugs. I’m sleepy because this is the furthest I’ve moved since the accident. It’s exhausting.”

“Alright,” his mother said, sighing heavily. “I’ll wake you when dinner’s ready.”

“Thanks,” Vic said, flashing her a smile so she’d know he wasn’t trying to be rude. He was just exhausted and his back hurt. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” his mother said before leaning down to kiss forehead before she stood and left his room. Once she was gone, Vic took his cellphone out of his pocket and sent a selfie to Kellin, declaring that he was finally home.

He got a heart and a smiley face in return. He wished Kellin could come over, but he knew it was too soon. His parents would want to spend time with him and he truly was exhausted. Much too exhausted to keep up with all the kisses Kellin liked to give… Though it seemed a tragedy to miss out on those soft lips. 

_I can’t wait to see you!_ Kellin texted him, adding more hearts.

“Me either. I need a nap tho. Miss you,” Vic texted in response. 

_Maybe tomorrow I can come over?_

“I’ll ask mom. I’d love 2 c u. Gonna sleep now tho.” He added a heart so he didn’t sound as dismissive, knowing that sort of treatment would hurt Kellin’s feelings. 

_OK. Night!_

Vic stared at the message and smiled before nuzzling his pillow and letting his eyes slip closed. His head was still spinning from the drugs. He’d gotten his nurse to give him one last dose of the pain medication before he left the hospital, nearly forcing himself to cry in order to get enough sympathy to earn him more medication. His back really did hurt him and so did his hip. It was painful and he didn’t like dealing with it when he didn’t have to. He loved the dizzy feeling he got from the drugs, the heaviness—the fatigue that it felt so good to fight before succumbing. 

He was going to miss this feeling. He was going to miss it so, so much.

( ) ( ) ( )

“I still don’t get why you were out so late,” his father said for the thirtieth time that week since Vic had come home.

“I told you… We were having dinner.”

“Until after eleven?”

“We were talking,” Vic said, staring down at his plate of fajitas. It wasn’t at all what he wanted for dinner—neither the food nor the conversation. He had no appetite, his back hurt, he wanted _Kellin,_ and he didn’t feel like getting yelled at. 

“You were still supposed to be home _long_ before you got in that accident. That drunk maniac could’ve _killed_ you. Do you get that? _That’s_ why we set curfew! So you get home before all the idiots get on the street.”

“There are drunk drivers at all times of the day,” Vic mumbled. 

“Don’t backtalk me! You were out past curfew.”

“Oh, leave him be. We can’t change anything now,” Vic’s mother interjected.

“No! I will not let him be! He needs to take some responsibility for his actions! If he’d done what he was supposed to, none of this would have happened to him.”

Mike lowered his and his fork, seeming to lose his appetite as the tension began to rise. As for their mother, she just sighed and buried her head in her hands. Vic couldn’t stand this. It wasn’t his fault. So what if he’d stayed out later than he was supposed to? A drunk driver could’ve hit them any time anywhere. It wasn’t his fault. He wanted to be with _Kellin._ He wanted more time to be with _Kellin._ It was the best time of his life in the backseat of that car and nothing was going to taint that memory. 

In those sweet moments, Kellin trusted him—Kellin touched him and wanted touched by him. It was the closest Vic had ever gotten to making love and he wasn’t going to lose that or feel sorry for letting it happen. 

“The one thing I haven’t heard from you is an apology!” His father snapped.

“I don’t have to apologize!” Vic screamed, losing his temper almost as soon as he sensed it rising. “It wasn’t my fault! It was an _accident!_ An _accident!”_

“It’s alright, Victor,” his mother said, grabbing his arm and trying to rub it—trying to soothe him. Vic pulled away from her and continued to scowl at his father. 

“It’s not alright! I didn’t do anything wrong! I was _stopped!_ I was stopped at the light! It wasn’t _my_ fault!”

“You were supposed to be home _long_ before you got in that wreck! You weren’t supposed to be anywhere near that place! You shouldn’t have even been on that _road!_ There’s no diner over there. There’s no theatre over there! What were you really doing?—That’s what I want to know.”

“You want to know?” Vic snapped, staring his father in the eye in a way he never dared to before. 

“Yes, I want to know! I want to know what you and that punk were doing outside of town when the theatre and the diner you _told me_ you were going to is right downtown. I want to know! Were you at some party?—You were getting high with him, weren’t you? Just to rub it in my face!”

“I wasn’t getting high! There was no party! I showed you the ticket stubs in my wallet. I was at the movies!”

“What else could you be doing outside of town? What?”

“Stop yelling at him, please,” Vic’s mother insisted. “It’s not helping.”

“I’ll stop yelling when I get answers!”

“It doesn’t matter, Honey. Insurance gave us money for another car. It’s fine.”

“I don’t give a damn about the car! He almost lost his life! I want to know what idiotic _thing_ he was up to that caused it!”

“I was out with Kellin! I was on a date! I can’t ever have him here without you intimidating him—of course I stayed out late! What else am I supposed to do!?”

“You’re supposed to listen to me! I’m your father! I make the rules in this house!”

Vic rolled his eyes and pushed his plate away from him. He was so sick of this. There was no arguing with his father. The man would just get louder and louder, then threaten to use his belt. If he so much as mentioned it, Vic was certain he’d go mad. He _wasn’t_ going to be beaten again. He _wasn’t._

“Eat your dinner,” his father barked.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Eat it!” 

Vic glared at his father defiantly, ignoring it when his mother started rubbing his shoulder—trying to coax him into being obedient. He wasn’t going to submit, though. He wasn’t. He wouldn’t… He would win this. He was going to fight and he was going to win. 

He’d sooner leave the house and live on the streets than return to being as submissive as Mike was now. He wouldn’t even look up from his plate. He was eating as if nothing were happening. He was keeping his head down to make sure he didn’t do anything to draw attention to himself and get whipped for no reason. 

Vic was never going to live like that again. 

“Eat,” his father repeated. 

“I’m not hungry,” Vic repeated. He kept his eyes trained on his father as the man stood up from the table. He was going to be smacked. He hated that his heart started pounding as his father came nearer. He hated that he still felt fear. He hated that he looked away from a split second as his father got closer. 

“Eat,” he said again, shoving the plate closer to Vic before walking back toward the kitchen. 

“Vic, just do as your father says, okay? He’s not wrong. You should’ve come home.”

“Why? So he could yell at me about being immoral and tell me why Kellin is wrong for me some more? No thanks. I’ll take all the time with Kellin I can get.”

“If you keep acting this way, he won’t let you see Kellin anymore. Don’t you understand that?”

Vic looked at her blankly. Nothing was going to keep him and Kellin apart. 

“Victor…”

“Do you want to know what we were doing?” Vic asked when his father returned to the room, carrying a bottle of beer.

“I think I’ve made that obvious.” He wasn’t yelling anymore which didn’t come as a surprise. He was gearing up for the next round. He was always quieter as he prepared himself for the storm. 

“We went to the old movie theatre after we left the diner. Kellin didn’t want to go home yet…so we fucked in the backseat.” Vic stared at his father as he spoke, getting to watch the way it twisted it hatred and revulsion.

“You keep that kind of shit to yourself! How dare you!?”

Vic looked back down at his plate, chuckling to himself. 

“Ask and you shall receive,” he mumbled. 

“Go to your room,” his father said, his voice holding an all too familiar tone. It sent a chill down Vic’s spine and the grin immediately left his face. His father hadn’t threatened to punish him since the misunderstanding with the school no matter how disobedient he became. Vic hated to admit that it lulled him into a feeling of invincibility. Now that he was actually about to get punished, he hated that it filled him with almost petrifying fear.

“Honey, leave him be. He’s just—He’s coming down from his medications. The doctors said he might act strange.”

“He knows how to watch his mouth—get in your room!”

“No,” Vic said, looking at his plate instead of his father’s face. If he went upstairs, he’d get it for sure. 

“He’s still hurt from the accident…”

“He should’ve thought of that before he started running his mouth. Get in your room.”

“No,” Vic repeated.

“You’re not going to hurt him. His back’s all messed up from the accident. He doesn’t need you hitting him. Vic, apologize to your father.”

“I’m sorry,” Vic muttered. 

“Like you mean it, Victor…” His mother scolded. 

“I’m _sorry,_ ” Vic repeated.

“You run your mouth to me like that again and you’ll get it. I don’t care if you were in an accident. I deserve _respect.”_

There was a lot Vic wanted to say to him, but his heart was still pounding and he felt sick to his stomach. He didn’t want hit. He wanted to stand up for himself, but in the back of his mind he had images playing over and over of that last beating. 

He’d never cried so hard in his life… He’d never felt more helpless or terrified. The person he respected more than anyone else turned him into a bloodied mess. His own father reassured him that no one could be trusted, no love—if it even existed—could be expected to last.

“Eat your dinner, Sweetheart,” his mother said, rubbing his shoulder. 

“I’m not hungry,” Vic said, standing up from the table and hurrying upstairs as fast as he could with how much pain his back and hip gave him. He was terrified his father was going to follow him—so anxious even after he reached his bed that he’d hear footsteps and the jingling of his father’s belt. Even when he’d wrapped himself up in his blankets and pressed himself firmly against the headboard, he still felt the terror all around him. 

He took his cell phone out of his pocket and brought up Kellin’s number, pressing the call button with shaking fingers. 

“Hey! What are you up to?” Kellin asked as soon as he answered the phone. Vic could hear the smile in his voice.

“I’m scared,” Vic said, starting to cry. 

“What’s wrong?”

“My dad. _Everything.”_

“What happened? Are you okay? He didn’t hurt you did he?”

“No, but…he might. I don’t know. I don’t know what happened. He was mad at me about the accident and I just started saying stupid shit like an idiot and—and I think he’s going to beat me but I don’t _know.”_

“It’s okay. I-It’ll be fine. Your back’s still messed up from the accident. There’s no way your mom is going to let him hit you.”

“I don’t know,” Vic said, sniffing back tears as he tried to steady his breathing. Hearing Kellin’s voice made him feel the slightest bit better. “I’m scared.”

“It’s okay—I… Do you need me to come over? I can come over. I won’t let him hurt you—I can call somebody.”

“I think that would just make it worse. He doesn’t like that I’m with you, but I _love_ you. I don’t want to lose you because of him, Kellin.” He knew he was being irrational—rambling—but he couldn’t stop himself. There were two things in his mind right now: the fear of pain and his need for Kellin—his need for Kellin to tell him he’d be alright. 

“You’re not going to lose me,” Kellin said softly. “Vic? I promise, you’re not going to lose me. I love you. I understand what your family is like. What happened?”

Vic shivered and pulled his blankets closer to himself. 

“I made him mad again. I’m scared… I just want to be where you are. Why can’t we be together?”

“We are—we see each other all the time, Babe. You’re…you’re sounding all crazy.” 

“I don’t want hurt anymore. My back is killing me and he wants to hit me—I don’t want hit again, Kellin. I _don’t.”_

“You won’t be. I promise. If he hits you, I’ll tell my mom and you can stay with us. You said social services investigated—your dad won’t want that to happen again. If you ask to move out, he won’t say anything.”

“You think so?” Vic asked, finally getting his breathing to slow. 

“Yeah. It’s okay. I promise—so don’t cry. You know I can’t handle it when you cry.” Kellin chuckled softly and the sound was just enough to help get the trembling out of Vic’s shoulders. “What’s going on, hot tamale? Why are you so sad?” Kellin asked, trying to dig deeper while keeping the mood light.

“He was going to hit me… Mom told him not to.”

“See? She’s looking out for you. You’re gonna be fine, I promise.”

“I’m sorry for calling you…”

“Why? I call you every time I get a splinter. You can call me whenever. You know that. I love your voice—even when you’re all weepy. I love talking to you.”

“You’re just nice,” Vic murmured.

“I love you—why wouldn’t I want to talk to you any chance I can get?”

“Because I’m whiny…”

“I don’t like when you’re sad, but I can’t lie. It makes me feel a little better that I’m not the only one who calls when I’m freaking out. I get to return the favor for all the times I make you listen to me panic.”

“I want you to come over,” Vic said, slowly stretching himself out across his bed now that he was mostly certain his father wasn’t going to come for him. 

“Maybe I can tomorrow. When does your dad go to the restaurant?”

“Ten a.m. Same as always.”

“Maybe I can come over for lunch or something. Or we could go to the skate park and watch the amateurs fall down a hundred times.”

“I do like doing that,” Vic said, laughing to himself. 

“Maybe make out in your bedroom for a bit if your back is still bugging you.”

“I like that too,” Vic said, finally able to muster a smile. Kellin always knew the right things to say. 

“Maybe…do a little more if your mom is gone, too.”

“Mike is home,” Vic said, blushing. 

“So? We’ll tell him to wear headphones.”

“You’re being bad today,” Vic said, laughing to himself. 

“It’s making you laugh, though. Right?”

“Yeah,” Vic said, rolling himself onto his stomach and nuzzling his pillow, wishing it were Kellin. He wanted so badly to have Kellin close to him, but they hadn’t gotten to be alone together since the hospital—and that was hardly “alone” time. 

“I miss you,” Kellin said.

Vic echoed the sentiments, then asked about Kellin’s day. He relaxed more and more with each story and detail. He wanted Kellin with him. He wanted Kellin laying at his side, telling him all these things in person. Maybe massaging his back in between stories because it hurt _so bad._ The only time he got any relief was when he took his muscle relaxers at night. He’d heard so many horror stories—read so many horror stories online—about people addicted to their pain killers and muscle relaxers, people whose pains never, ever went away. 

What if his back pain never stopped? What if he was like this the rest of his life?—Stuck whimpering until he got his sedatives? He didn’t want to be like that… 

“Is your shoulder feeling better?” Vic asked.

“Yeah. It doesn’t hurt at all now. My neck either,” Kellin said, driving the spike of fear a little deeper into Vic’s chest. 

“My back is still killing me… I’m starting to think there’s something wrong with me.”

“Vic, you got hit _by the truck._ Of course your back still hurts. It ran right into you.”

“Yeah, but you’re already better—”

“I didn’t get hit. Your side got hit. It was _really_ bad. I thought it killed you—that’s how bad it was.”

“I guess… I wonder if they have photos or something at the police station. I kind of want to see it.”

“No, you don’t. It was awful. Your car caught on fire and it was just… There was blood all over you. God, I hate remembering it. I see it in my nightmares.”

“You didn’t tell me you were having nightmares.”

“Well… There’s nothing you can do about it. Just…promise me not to get in another accident ever again.”

“I’ll do my best,” Vic said with a laugh, rolling his eyes. 

“Really. It was awful. The door was smashed up into your back and your face was all bloody. It was _scary._ So, yeah…It’s no wonder your back still hurts.”

“I really hope physical therapy works. I don’t want hooked on pain killers the rest of my life like some strung out loser…”

“You won’t be. Don’t worry so much. Just give yourself time to heal.”

“Maybe you can come with me to my therapy sessions.”

“I don’t see your mom letting that happen.”

“Yeah…but it’d help me.” 

They discussed it a little longer before Kellin said he was going to go to practice. He promised to send a clip tonight, but Vic had fallen asleep long before the message came through. With all the tension gone, sleep had come with ease.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first section of this chapter has rather insensitive descriptions of car accidents and victims of such accidents. This is intentional to portray a state of mind, not to reflect my own ideas or perversions, so please do not take offense. If you are triggered by that sort of issue, please skim over the first section of this chapter and do not stress yourself. Stay healthy!

Vic truly couldn’t help himself. He didn’t know why he’d ended up like this, or why the obsession struck him and stuck with him. One day he’d looked up accident photos and now it was all he found himself doing. Car crashes, motorcycle accidents, train incidents—anything he could find. 

He didn’t remember his own accident. He didn’t remember the truck smashing into him, he didn’t remember seeing his car or what it had looked like after the crash. He couldn’t remember… All he wanted was to see his car, but there weren’t any photos of the crash. He didn’t get to see how close he supposedly came to dying. Kellin’s descriptions made it sound so horrifying. He just wanted to _see it._

Maybe it was because he couldn’t see what happened, maybe it was because of the hole in his memory where that accident had been. Whatever the cause, Vic kept looking up photos of other people’s tragedies. He saw the mangled steel, saw the mutilated bodies. At first it shocked him, hurt him—scared him to death. Then he started to find a sort of comfort in it. 

If he’d died in the crash, his father couldn’t snap at him anymore. If he were one of those people laying limp and lifeless, smashed up against their windshields, he could never be made to feel low or worthless again. If he’d been thrown from the car, if he’d been smashed into an unrecognizable lump, if he’d been morphed into a smear of blood and flesh on the pavement, he’d never _ever_ be eaten up with shame again. 

“Would you quit looking at that shit? It’s _gross!”_ Mike snapped, pushing Vic’s laptop screen down when he walked past the kitchen table. 

“Mind your own business,” Vic muttered, opening his laptop again. He was being made to sit at the kitchen table while his father ransacked his room—looking for God only knows what at five-thirty in the morning. His phone had been taken from him again for no damned reason and it really pissed him off that Mike wasn’t getting the same treatment. Sure, he’d been woken up early and sent downstairs too, but his room wasn’t being turned over. It just wasn’t _fair._

Vic wanted to see Kellin, but that couldn’t happen until at _least_ seven—so he intended to look at the photos until he was allowed to go to school. 

Those dead people didn’t understand just how lucky they fucking were. He wanted to be dead… Whenever he wasn’t with Kellin, he felt empty and anxious. When he was stuck in the house with his father, he felt as if he were being tortured. He wasn’t allowed to be happy here and if he couldn’t be happy, why bother breathing? 

“Vic? Oh, _God!_ Stop! Stop with this! What is _wrong_ with you?” Next it was his mother who slammed his laptop shut and pulled it away from him. 

As soon as the photos were torn away, Vic was without his crutch. He felt a spike of pain in his chest so powerful it brought tears to his eyes. Maybe he was sick… Maybe there _was_ something wrong. He’d felt low before, but not like this. _Never_ like this. It made no sense that he’d get this depressed when he had Kellin waiting for him on the other side of his confiscated cell phone. Why wasn’t Kellin enough this time?

“Victor, we’ve talked about this. You need to quit looking at those things. It’s sick—it’s _rude._ Those are people, Vic. If something like that happened to Mike, would you want some teenager looking at it on the internet?”

“Don’t say that,” Vic growled, closing his eyes tightly. He felt like he was about to cry and he hated it. He was absolutely losing control of himself and he didn’t know why or what to do to stop.

“See? You wouldn’t like it. So knock it off—or I’ll have your father look through your internet history and see what else you’re getting into.”

“Leave me alone,” Vic whined, hating how his voice cracked. He didn’t want to live like this. Kellin’s mother was usually gone by the time he got out of bed in the morning—she didn’t wake him up to interrogate him. When Kellin came home from school, he was alone for a few hours before his mom made it back from work. He was free to do what he wanted with no supervision, no invasion. His mom didn’t go through his phone or his laptop or snoop through his room. He hadn’t even gotten punished when Todd posted those photos of him on Facebook… He didn’t even get grounded and Vic had been beaten bloody. 

It wasn’t fair.

“Why are you acting like this?” His mother asked, suddenly feigning concern. 

Vic buried his head in his hands, wanting to scream but doing the smart thing and biting his lip instead.

“Vic? What’s wrong?” His mother started rubbing his shoulder, further overwhelming him though he couldn’t tell if that was what she wanted or not.

Why couldn’t he have just gotten smashed that night? He’d been so happy—he would’ve died happy. 

He wanted Kellin… He wanted to be with Kellin so, so badly. He needed to feel Kellin’s arms around him, hear his voice whispering that everything was going to be alright. He wanted his kisses and all of his affection. Kellin never hurt him. Kellin never tortured him this way. When Kellin said ‘I love you,’ he _meant_ it. He was real. 

When he was with Kellin, Vic never felt the need to trade places with one of those pitiful souls laying limp in the carnage of wrecked cars.

“Vic? What’s… What’s going on? What’s happening to you?” 

“Leave me alone,” Vic said, trying desperately to shrug his mother off his shoulders. 

“Victor…”

“Get off me,” Vic whimpered, his voice getting meeker and meeker. He felt like he couldn’t breathe with her so close. 

He was suffocating. 

In this house, he was suffocating. 

He didn’t want to live this way.

( ) ( ) ( )

Kellin was coming in and out of a nap, bored to death after a long day of being bored to death at school. Vic wouldn’t text him back, but Kellin tried not to be concerned by it. He’d been a little out of it since the accident and slept a lot because of his back pain. Kellin had given him the rest of his muscle relaxers and those would make him groggy for sure.

Vic had also seemed more than a bit upset when they were at school, though he wouldn’t say why. Since that morning, even. As soon as Kellin got to the school building, Vic had approached him looking so pitiful and sad. Kellin had a feeling his father must have beaten him again or something. Vic had tried getting hugs every single second they were together and that was unusual for him… Typically he liked his space—especially with his sore back. It was so odd for him to want to be that close…

Kellin stared at the television screen, not really seeing much besides the hazy figures of people moving back and forth… 

He was so _bored._

Kellin hauled himself up from the couch and went to check his phone where he had it charging on the kitchen counter and smiled to himself when he saw a notification for a text. Before he could open it, though, there came a sharp knock at his front door. 

“Vic,” he said to himself, smiling more and setting down the phone. The text had to be Vic saying he was coming over. Had to be! Kellin couldn’t help the excitement which bubbled up as he unlocked the door and pulled it open. Kisses in the hallway at school were never as good as the ones they shared when they were _alone._

Then his heart stopped in his chest and he felt the smile drop from his lips. He was too shocked to react.

When Todd stepped up through his front door and shoved him backwards, Kellin went with him. He almost fell over backwards the force of Todd’s palm on his chest was so strong. He was frightened and stunned, but he knew he couldn’t just stand there. Todd had hatred in his eyes and Kellin knew he needed to move—need to run.

_Now._

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” Todd snapped, chasing him when Kellin dared to make an attempt for the back door. “No, no, no. You’re staying here! You can’t run from me!”

Kellin almost had his hand on the doorknob when Todd’s arms closed around his shoulders—one arm sliding up to curve around his throat. He brought up his hands and dug his nails into Todd’s arm as hard as he could—trying to claw his way free as Todd dragged him back toward the living room. He couldn’t even breathe to plead for help or mercy—not until he was thrown onto the floor. His head narrowly missed the wooden arm of his mother’s couch, but the wooden floor wasn’t much better to strike. 

It took a moment for him to recover after slamming into the ground, the shocks of pain made it that much harder for him to catch his breath. The whole time his mind kept spinning, trying to make sense of what was happening. 

Todd had _dumped_ him. He’d hurt him and abused him and dumped him in the mud—in the cold. Why wouldn’t he let him go? Why couldn’t he just _move on?_

“What do you want from me!?” Kellin cried, pulling himself up onto his hands and knees. He shook the hair out of his face and looked back at Todd, trying to glare at him—trying to show his anger instead of his fear. 

It did him no good. Todd came to kneel beside him and fisted a hand in Kellin’s thick hair, pulling it so hard that Kellin’s anger died off into a whimper of pain. It was instinct to submit to Todd—it was instinct to protect himself from more pain—but he didn’t want to cave. He knew what was going to happen if he didn’t get away. 

He knew _exactly_ why Todd wanted him alone. 

“You little bitch. How many times do I have to tell you you’re my property before you start to listen? Huh?” He emphasized his question by shaking Kellin’s head back and forth by his hair, acting as though his goal was to snap Kellin’s neck. 

Kellin reached up and tried prying Todd’s hands off his hair, but all he succeeded in doing was making Todd pull it harder. He tugged and _tugged_ until Kellin let out a cry of defeat and stopped resisting. He’d wait for a better chance—he couldn’t escape Todd now.

“I’m sick and tired of you running around with that Spic behind my back. It makes me fucking _puke_ when I think about what you’re letting him do you when you’re alone.”

“We don’t—”

“Don’t you dare try to lie to me! You’re a whore, Kellin! I know what kind of shit you do!” Todd finally let go of Kellin’s hair, but before the boy could even think to pull himself up from the ground, Todd delivered a harsh kick to his ribs. “You think you’ve got everybody fooled! You think no one’s ever going to find out how much of a pathetic junkie you are. But they will find out—I’ll make sure everybody knows it! Then no one’s going to want you!—Not even the Spic. You know how sick it makes me when my friends tell me what they see you two doing in the halls? Sucking his tongue like the slut you are for _everybody to see!”_

Every time Kellin would try to speak out in his own defense, Todd would kick him. The blows came harder and harder each time—some directed at his ribs, others at his kidneys or his legs, even his face a time or two. 

“You’re doing it just to piss me off, aren’t you!? You _want_ me to hear about it! You’re trying to rub it in my goddamned _face!”_

Kellin had stopped resisting after the second kick to his face left his jaw stiff and screaming with pain. He curled himself into a ball and laid with his back to Todd, not even trying to dodge the kicks that followed.

Only two more blows came once he’d stopped fighting back, and after that Todd grabbed him up by his shoulders and shoved him backwards onto the couch. Kellin let out a loud cry, knowing what was coming and terrified that he wasn’t going to be able to stop it.

His mother was supposed to be home soon, but he doubted that even she could stop Todd—and if she did, it would still be too late. When finally opened his eyes, Todd was already climbing over top of him with a look of hateful determination on his face. Kellin wanted to fight—he wanted to spit in Todd’s face as soon as the other boy was completely over top of him—but fear had him petrified.

“You’re _mine,_ Kellin! Fucking _mine!_ And I get to decide who fucks you! _I do!”_

This was _Todd._ One word from Todd and all the hateful messages would start again, Todd’s friends would start pushing him down in the halls again. Kellin didn’t want that abuse to start up once more… But he didn’t want hurt like this either.

“T-Todd, please don’t do this. _Please_ don’t. I-I… I’m sorry, Todd. Just _please_ don’t do this.” Kellin tried to put his hands against Todd’s chest to push him back, but Todd smacked him hard for his efforts.

“Don’t touch me! You don’t have the right to touch me!” Todd hit him again, slapped him over and over until Kellin brought his hands to his face in order to shield himself rather than save himself. As soon as he stopped resisting, Todd began to tear into the fly of Kellin’s jeans—popping the button and yanking down the zipper before Kellin could even bring himself to lower his hands. 

“Wh-Why are you doing this?” Kellin asked, struggling to fit his hand between his legs as Todd fought to pull them out of his way. “You left me! Why are you still doing this!?” His voice became more and more frantic as Todd fought with him, turning to loud, sharp screams as he thrashed to get away. “You dumped me! Get off me!—Get off of me! _Get off!”_ He kept screaming, even after Todd had slapped him across the mouth; he continued to defend himself, even when Todd had yanked his jeans down to his knees. 

“I own you, you little bitch! I own you! Don’t tell me no! You don’t get to say no!”

Kellin let out the loudest scream he could, barely letting his voice falter when Todd punched him in the cheek. The more noise he made, the better chance he had of someone interfering—someone who was actually strong enough to pull Todd off of him. He needed this to stop—he needed this to stop before Todd took what he wanted. If that happened _again,_ Kellin didn’t know what he’d do with himself. 

Vic had just started to make him feel _clean_ again. He didn’t think of mud and bleachers and cruel cheering when they touched anymore. There were no thoughts in his head when they were together besides his hopes and dreams for the two of them. 

He couldn’t let Todd take that away. Not this time—not ever again. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic was pressed as far into the passenger side door of his father’s car as he could get. He’d just gotten off school and instead of being allowed to rest, he was being made to go with his father to a used car lot twenty minutes outside of town no matter how many times he’d protested. 

“Take Mike instead,” he’d argued. “Why not take Mike? Why does it have to be me?”

The insurance money had come in and now was the time, his father decided, for Vic to pick out a new vehicle so he could go back to being the one to drive Mike to school. It didn’t matter that Vic had no idea what to look for in a car, it didn’t matter that Vic was almost able to admit that he was now _terrified_ of cars—nothing he said mattered at all. He was made to get in the car with the man he trusted least in the world.

His father was worse than _Todd._ At least with him you knew what to expect.

“Why are you sitting all the way over there? Is your back hurting again?”

“My back always hurts,” Vic muttered. He stared out the window at the buildings which rushed by—slums. They were driving back through their old slum. He wanted to text Kellin, but his father never bothered to give him his phone back. Apparently he spent too much time with Kellin and needed to “give it a rest.” 

“We need to take you to a specialist. There’s no reason your back should be hurting you this much. It’s been weeks.” 

“Kellin says it’s because the truck hit me.”

“I know it’s because the truck hit you! I don’t need some dumb punk to tell me that!”

“Kellin’s not dumb and he’s not a punk. You never even gave him a chance…”

“I don’t get your fascination with him, Vic. I don’t. He looks enough like a girl—just go get yourself a damned _girl_ friend. Why is that so hard for you?”

“Because I don’t want a girlfriend! I want _Kellin!_ He makes me happy!—He actually _cares_ about me!”

“I can’t help but feel you’re just seeing him to piss me off—to embarrass me and your mother.” He said it so calmly it made Vic’s stomach turn. He’d already _decided _that Vic was doing it to embarrass him when there was nothing further from the truth. He’d hidden his feelings for so long—did everything he could to fight them and deny them. He’d hated himself for _years,_ thinking that there was something wrong with him and knowing he was nothing but a disappointment to his family. How could his father just sit there and accuse him of doing it on _purpose?___

__“I didn’t ask to be this way! Do you honestly think I’d _want_ to do something I knew was going to make you hate me?”_ _

__“I don’t _hate_ you—”_ _

__“That’s bullshit!” Vic yelled before he could stop himself. “You—You _beat_ me! At school you stood up for me, then when we got home you _turned on me!_ No—you _turned on me!_ And Mike! He didn’t even do anything wrong!”_ _

__“That’s not what we’re talking about right now!”_ _

__“Yes it is!” Vic shouted, refusing to let his father change the subject. It happened and he was _still_ angry about it. That day, that awful day, was when his father had proved to him that no kind of love could ever be trusted. That was the day he realized the people meant to protect him were the ones who could hurt him the most. _ _

__If not for _Kellin,_ Vic didn’t think he would have ever come back from that._ _

__“What do you want me to say, Vic? I got carried away. I told you that—I apologized.”_ _

__“You _never_ apologized! Not once did you ever look at me and say you were sorry! You gave back my phone and that was it.”_ _

__“I let you hang out with that boy—”_ _

__“His name is Kellin!”_ _

__“Whatever—that’s not the point!”_ _

__“Then what is your point!? You stood up for me at the school. You told the principle and everybody that you knew I didn’t have the drugs—that they weren’t mine. You made _me_ believe you! Then you took me home and you _hurt_ me! You cut me _open,_ Dad. That’s how hard you were hitting me and you still didn’t _stop._ You never _stopped!”__ _

__“I know things got out of hand that night. I’m sorry, Vic. I am. I didn’t mean for it to go that far.”_ _

__“So what? It still did! I couldn’t even get out of bed—”_ _

__“I know, alright!? I know! I’m a bad father! Is that what you want me to say?—Of course I argued with the school! Of course I said it wasn’t yours! I worked so hard to get you in that place; I wasn’t going to let you get kicked out!”_ _

__“You didn’t even listen to me when I tried to explain what happened. You didn’t have to hit me!—Or Mike! He didn’t do _anything!”__ _

__“I know that! It got out of hand! I’m _sorry!_ I’m trying to make it up to you, can’t you see that? I let you spend time with that boy—with _Kellin._ I don’t try to keep you apart, do I? No.”_ _

__“You keep taking my phone away for no reason.”_ _

__“I need to know what they hell you’re getting into. I know you’re smart enough to hide things from me, but you can’t hide the texts you get when you don’t have your phone, can you?”_ _

__“The only texts I get are from Kellin and Jaime. You should know that by now,” Vic said, turning to face the window again. He’d gotten an apology, but he didn’t feel any better. Nothing was going to take the pain out of those memories._ _

__“I know you’re angry with me and I know I haven’t been the best father, but I’m _trying.”__ _

__Trying? He beat his children until they were afraid of him and that was considered trying? Gave them so many rules they could barely have friends and that was _trying?__ _

__“I’m getting you a new car for your birthday—a nice one.”_ _

__“I don’t want a car,” Vic mumbled. He didn’t want to celebrate a birthday at all. He wanted to go home and text Kellin and listen to Kellin tease him with hints about what he got him for his birthday. After all, Kellin seemed to be the only person happy that Vic was alive._ _

__“What do you want then? Another guitar?”_ _

__“I don’t want anything,” Vic said, cringing as a bolt of pain went through his spine. He wanted to go home._ _

__“How about this then—we’ll get you the car. Any car you want under ten grand. Alright? Then on your birthday you can bring that boy—”_ _

__“Kellin,” Vic snapped._ _

___“Kellin._ You can have Kellin over to the house and we’ll have dinner…or something. Is that good enough for you?”_ _

__“I want to stay at Kellin’s house. It’s my birthday and I want to stay over at Kellin’s.” Vic knew he was inviting trouble by saying it, but couldn’t be brought to care. He’d taken one of the muscle relaxers Kellin had given him before they left the house and it was finally starting to take effect. He didn’t care what his father did to him or didn’t let him do._ _

__Birthday? Who cared about a birthday? And as for the new car, what good would it do to have him pick, really? He knew absolutely nothing about cars and the ones he did want were far too expensive. Why did he even need to come?_ _

__He wanted to be with Kellin…_ _

__For whatever reason, he felt the need to be with Kellin now more than ever._ _

__The next few hours were going to be torture…_ _

__( ) ( ) ( )_ _

__Kellin fought. He fought _so hard._ His bottom lip was split and both of his eyes were throbbing from punches, but Todd’s cheek was bloodied from a scratch and Kellin had bitten his hand hard enough to draw blood as well. _ _

__It didn’t save him though. He’d ended up on his stomach on the couch and with all of Todd’s weight pressing down on his back, he couldn’t wriggle free. Todd already had his jeans down to his knees before, then he got Kellin’s boxer briefs down as well and it was an immediate flashback to the football game. He could almost hear the cheering again._ _

__“I’m going to ruin you so bad even your Spic won’t want you,” Todd hissed right into Kellin’s ear._ _

__It hurt. It hurt worse than anything because Kellin knew Todd was right. Vic wouldn’t want him after this—not after whatever lies Todd told him about this. He was going to go back to being alone and afraid all the time, always looking over his shoulder and wondering if Todd and his friends were there to hurt him some more._ _

__Kellin took in a sharp breath when he felt Todd start to press against him. He was trying to force himself inside dry and it wasn’t going to _work._ Kellin let out a low whine and pressed himself harder into the couch, trying to get away even though there was nowhere for him to go. All he could hear were Todd’s cruel whispers and his own heartbeat in his ears. _ _

__He could feel himself starting to cry, though whether it was from the pain or fear, he didn’t know. He was determined not to let Todd see it though—he didn’t need anything else to be used against him._ _

__That resolve started to chip away as Todd forced inside a bit further before pulling back and cursing. Kellin closed his eyes as he heard Todd spitting on his hand. The pressure was off his back for a moment, but he couldn’t even bring himself to try to get free. Why bother? He’d just be punched more, kicked more… He’d be given more bruises he’d have to try to explain away so Vic wouldn’t know what he’d let happen._ _

__God, he’d _die_ if Vic left him now. _ _

__“What, are you cryin’ already? You really are a fuckin’ bitch.”_ _

__Kellin let out a soft sob as he felt Todd’s fingers press against his opening, slick with spit and easily making their way inside his body. He hated this. He _hated_ this. He hated the dirty feeling that rushed him all at once, hated that he was trapped inside his own skin as this awful thing happened to him. He’d missed his chance to get free. He was too much of a coward and this was all. his. _fault.__ _

__And then there came the large crash and the shouting._ _

__It startled him so much he’d jerked back against Todd and inadvertently rammed the back of his skull into his attacker’s chin. His mother had come home—she’d _finally_ come home—and the moment she was in the door she’d started shouting, then began finding things to throw at Todd to get him away. It started with her purse—the entire thing—which ended up striking both Todd and Kellin in the shoulder. Then she took better aim when she threw her car keys, getting closer to them with a look of wrath on her face. _ _

__She was screaming, too, but Kellin couldn’t hold on to anything she said. He was too busy staring, then he was falling away from the couch because his mother had descended on Todd and was hitting him over and over again with her shoe of all things._ _

__Kellin moved backwards on the floor, trying to pull up his jeans at the same time. He was terrified that Todd was going to hit his mother—hurt her the same way he always hurt Kellin—but not once did Todd raise a hand to her._ _

__He cowered. He was _afraid.__ _

__“Kellin, call the _cops!”_ His mother shrieked, having lost her footing for a moment and giving Todd the chance he needed to get his jeans up and start for the door._ _

__Kellin didn’t dare move. He couldn’t remember where his phone was, couldn’t think to even begin guessing where his mother’s might be._ _

__His mother didn’t stay to help him, either. Todd made it through the open door and she chased after him—barefoot and still screaming._ _

__“This isn’t finished! This isn’t finished, do you hear me!? _Todd!?”__ _

__On and on she shouted at him, but she stood at the end of the sidewalk, not daring to go further—not willing to leave Kellin behind, he realized. Before she could get back to the house, Kellin tried to fasten his jeans with shaking hands—tremors wracking his body so much it was hard to even breathe. His mother had stopped it, but Kellin could still feel the assault happening. It played over on his skin like a movie—his mind replaying every awful touch until it felt real, until he was crying so hard he couldn’t breathe because it _was_ real. _ _

__It had happened. He’d let it happen again and no one was ever going to want him now._ _

__“Kellin? I think we should take you to the hospital.”_ _


	19. Chapter 19

Vic texted him an hour after Kellin had arrived at the hospital. Kellin’s mother forced him to go to the hospital no matter how much he protested, and insisted he let the doctors examine him despite the way the thought made him cry. As soon as he finished throwing up everything in his stomach, he was loaded into his mother’s car without even getting a bag of ice to put on his swollen cheeks. He didn’t want to go. He wanted to take a shower and scrub himself clean. He wanted to wrap himself up in his softest pajamas and go to sleep. He wanted to go through all the little rituals he’d started for himself after Todd’s abuse had first begun. 

But his mother wouldn’t allow it. She was shaking as she drove to the hospital and Kellin couldn’t bear to look at her. He wished he hadn’t fought with Todd at all, just so that it would’ve happened and been over by the time she got home. It filled him with so much shame to know that she’d seen him in that position—she knew now just how weak and pathetic and filthy he was. 

_We got a new car,_ Vic texted. No emoji, no smiley face. No affection. 

Kellin knew it was irrational, but he couldn’t help but feel that Vic somehow knew what he’d done with Todd and was angry at him for it. 

Kellin just stared at the message for a very long time until he decided on something simple to say. He had to pretend like nothing happened. Vic didn’t need to know—Vic couldn’t know. Vic couldn’t help him now…

Vic would be repulsed. Vic would leave…

Todd was going to tell everyone they made up and slept together and that Kellin changed his mind after the fact. He was going to say Kellin was a slut who would sleep with anyone who asked. Vic wasn’t going to attach himself to a person like that. Vic wasn’t going to wait around again in hopes that Kellin would get over himself and let Vic get a piece of what Todd got. 

Vic was going to leave him. Kellin was going to be alone again with no one to talk to but Todd—and if his mother had her way, he wouldn’t even have Todd. 

“What kind of car?” Kellin asked him. 

Moments later they were escorted back into one of the exam rooms and he was forced to change into a hospital gown and sit down on the white medical bed.

He knew what came now. He’d seen it on television, but it still didn’t prepare him.

The nurse talked to him, but Kellin didn’t listen. He stared at his phone with an empty gaze. 

_It’s a Ford Taurus. I picked it. Know why?_

“No,” Kellin replied, a tear going down his cheek when the nurse said they were waiting for the officers to come take his statement. 

_Your star sign is a Taurus. Did you know that? So when I see it I’ll think of U._ He added a smiley face and a heart. 

“Don’t ever go away,” Kellin texted, sniffing back more tears. His mother was telling him to put his phone away and listen to the nurses, but he shook his head and leaned away from her when she tried to reach for his phone herself. 

_Where would I go??_

“What color is your car?”

_White. Like you :p R U ok??_

The officers came and Kellin was forced to look away from his phone and their pointless texts—Vic going on and on about this new car that he picked because it reminded him of his useless, cheating boyfriend. 

Kellin didn’t want to talk about what happened and hated it even more when his mother yanked his phone out of his hands so he couldn’t distract himself. 

The questions were easy to answer at first. Did he know his attacker? Was he in a relationship with his attacker? Could he describe what happened? 

Then they became harder. Had he fought back? Had he asked his attacker to stop? Did he understand the accusations he was making? 

_Had anything like this ever happened before?_

Kellin didn’t answer. He didn’t want to. What difference did it make? 

“Kellin?” His mother reached for him and put a hand on his shoulder. It was meant to be a gesture of comfort, but it made him stiffen with fear and pain. He hurt everywhere from Todd’s kicking. 

“Has this happened before between you two?” The officer asked again, his tone just as stoic as the first time around.

“No,” Kellin murmured, no conviction at all. He hoped the officer would be impatient enough to leave it be instead of prying. 

“Son, this seems heated for a one-time thing. Was he drunk?”

“No.”

“Were you?”

“No.”

Was he drunk the last time it happened? Had he been high? It was okay to admit to it, the officer said. They weren’t going to prosecute him for drugs or drinking underage, but they needed to know everything they could. 

“What… What about that night at the football game, Kellin? You had mud all through your hair when you came home. Did something happen?” His mother’s voice was so soft and laced with guilt. She was blaming herself for not noticing while Kellin was still loathing himself for letting her find out about Todd’s abuse at all. 

He never wanted her to know about this part of his life.

“Has he sexually assaulted you in the past?” The officer asked, looking at Kellin with only the smallest bit of sympathy breaking through his frigid stare. 

“No,” Kellin said, looking at his hands, wishing he could text Vic. He wanted to hear more about the car—he wanted to think about Vic smiling and driving up the coast with the windows rolled down. In his fantasy, they were together. They were happy together in the ugly, white car. 

They finished their questions and his phone was given back for only a moment before the nurse stated it was time to take photographs before the doctor came. 

_Are you OK?_ Vic asked when Kellin hadn’t answered him in so long. 

“I wish you were here,” Kellin replied, starting to cry again as his mother took his phone away and the nurse forced him to lift his chin toward the light so she could get a good picture of his bruised and swollen cheeks. 

He cried harder and harder as the exam went on. The doctor came in. They took pictures of his face, his neck, his arms—then he was stripped of his hospital gown and left only in his boxer-briefs. 

Then those were ordered away as well. More pictures of bruises, then the cruelest, most insensitive exam he’d ever been put through. 

No visible evidence of a rape, they said. Only a little bit of bleeding, they said.

Kellin cried, then threw up in the tiny exam room trash can while his mother argued with the doctor, the nurse, and the caseworker who had appeared. Wasn’t it clear enough what had happened? How could they say ‘no visible signs’?

Kellin heard every word of it, even though they all stood in the hallway—giving him ‘room to breathe.’ He just wished his mother had given his phone back so he didn’t have to hear

Maybe there would be DNA on the swabs, the doctor insisted. If she _really_ felt they had a case, the samples could be checked for DNA. There didn’t seem to be anything, though, and maybe it would be best if they just took it to court as an assault. They’d have a better case if they presented it as assault and not an attempted rape. They could sue Todd’s family for money, use it to pay for therapy—the caseworker knew a _great_ counselor. 

Kellin didn’t want a counselor. He didn’t want therapy or treatment or anything else they were throwing at him. He wanted a shower. He wanted to get clean and put on his softest pajamas and tell himself this whole ordeal had just been a nightmare. 

More than anything, he wanted Vic. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Something was wrong. Vic didn’t know what, but he could tell something terrible had happened to Kellin. They couldn’t hold a normal conversation and all of Kellin’s texts seemed so sad… They’d talk about Vic’s day, about his trip to the car lot and what car his dad purchased, but Kellin would not say a word about what he’d done after school. When Vic asked, Kellin just deflected the statement and asked about Vic instead. 

He wouldn’t say what was wrong. He wouldn’t acknowledge that he was acting strangely. He just sent his questions—What color is the car? Do you like it? What’s it look like? What year is it?

Then he’d go quiet for twenty or thirty minutes at a time. 

“Are you at dinner with your mom?” Vic asked. 

_I miss you,_ Kellin answered. 

Vic was still trying to think of a reply, starting to really get frustrated, when an onslaught of texts came through. More and more and more. He started thinking maybe Kellin’s phone had been having issues—maybe there were all the answers to the questions he’d been asking finally coming through. 

Then he read them.

_Please don’t be mad at me._

_I’m so sorry Vic._

_I love you. I love you too much for this to happen._

_Please don’t go away. I really need you right now._

_I know you’re going to be mad but please just hear me out. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I’m really scared right now and I need you. Please please don’t go away._

Vic’s mouth ran dry as he read it. From the sound of it… It looked like Kellin had been with someone else. That was what that last message sounded like. Kellin had slept with someone or gone out with someone and now he wanted forgiveness.

But that just didn’t sound like _Kellin._ Not even a little bit. Kellin wasn’t a cheater. He was dedicated and loyal and loving—like no one Vic had ever met before.

“Kellin what’s going on?” Vic really hoped his boyfriend would give him a straight answer—if he even still had a boyfriend. His stomach was tightening with dread and his back gave a jolt of pain. “Please talk to me,” he added after twenty minutes. “Do you need me to call you?” He asked after another thirty.

It was getting to be so late. He needed to go to sleep soon but he couldn’t with this hanging over his head.

Finally, his phone lit up with an incoming call.

“Kellin, what’s going on?” Vic asked.

His first reply was a sniffle. He expected as much; Kellin was crying.

“Something bad happened,” Kellin said, his voice surprisingly even. He sounded tired though, probably exhausted himself by crying. “I won’t be at school tomorrow.”

“What happened?” Vic asked, his thoughts going from fears of infidelity to straight up fear. Cheating wouldn’t keep Kellin from coming to school. Not in a million years. Why would it? “Hello?” 

Kellin was quiet so long Vic feared the call had been dropped.

“Todd…hurt me,” Kellin said, exhaling the words as if they were the last breath in his chest.

“What?” Vic asked, his voice cutting out before he could finish his question—the question he’d been asking all evening. _What happened?_

If Todd hurt him, why would Kellin be begging him not to go away? Why would Kellin say Vic would get mad at him? Why did he still think that Vic was like _Todd_ when he tried to prove himself over and over—when he worked so hard to show that he was the furthest thing from Todd imaginable?

“Mom saw…” 

“Your mom saw…saw what?” Vic asked, trying hard to be sensitive but almost too scared out of his mind to be gentle. 

“I don’t know,” Kellin said, his voice _so_ fragile. 

Was he in shock? Is that what was happening?

“Kellin, _please.”_

“Don’t leave me. I did everything I could. I really tried.” Kellin sniffled again, the noise echoed by the familiar rustle of blankets.

“I’m not going to leave you. I just want to know what happened. It’s alright. Just tell me what happened after school.”

“I let him in the house… I thought it was you at the door. He said he’d ruin me so you don’t want me anymore.”

Vic could hardly believe what he was hearing. There was no doubt in his mind now what Kellin was saying and it made his stomach churn. 

“You said your mom saw—did she make him stop? Are—Are you pressing charges?”

“The cops said they arrested him. His mom called my mom. They’re still on the phone. Fighting.”

“It’s not your fault, Kell. He had this coming. He _deserves_ it for what he did—”

“Don’t leave me.”

“I’m _not.”_ Vic wanted to ask more. He wanted to ask how far it had gone and if his mother was able to stop it before it was too late. He was too scared to know, though. He was too scared to ask because he didn’t want to hear Kellin cry anymore. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll come over tomorrow after school, okay? I’ll come see you.”

“No.”

_“No?”_

“I don’t want you to see me like this…”

“Well, too bad. I love you and I’m worried about you, and I’m coming to see you tomorrow.”

“I look so bad though. Vic, you don’t _understand.”_

“I’m your boyfriend, Kellin! I’m supposed to be there for you. I don’t care if he knocked all your teeth out—I want to see you. You’ll always look good to me. Always.”

“I still have all my teeth.”

“I know that! I’m just saying… Don’t tell me not to come over because you don’t look good. You’re hurt and I want to be with you.”

“I’m ugly. My face is all swollen,” Kellin said, a sob breaking free of his throat.

“It’s okay, Kellin. It’ll be fine. I’ll come over tomorrow and put ice on it for you… I-I won’t even go to school. I’ll come to your place.”

“You can’t do that. Your dad—”

“I wanna be with you right now. You need me, right?”

“Yeah,” Kellin whispered. “I need you.”

“So it’s settled. I’ll be there tomorrow morning. Okay? I’m going to take care of you.”

“Mom might be home.”

“I’ll be there tomorrow,” Vic said, with even more conviction. Kellin was hurt. Kellin had been hurt _badly,_ and it was torture enough not to be able to comfort him now except through text. And what good were texts when Kellin had been beaten? When Kellin had more than likely been raped?

Oh, God, the thought made Vic’s stomach clench. He thought of how Kellin had looked in the car, how he smiled and how his face glowed with pleasure. Why would Todd want to hurt him? Why would he want to cover him in bruises and make him bleed when he could have had all the perfect looks of bliss in the world? Kellin looked so _good._ Why mark him up? Why damage him?

What the fuck did Todd _want?_

( ) ( ) ( )

Kellin nearly had to beg his mother to go to work. She wanted to stay with him, protect him and coddle him, make sure he took his pain pills and antibiotics. Kellin just wanted to be alone. Vic said he was coming over, but he doubted Vic would really arrive. He stayed in bed after his mother left, making to go to sleep again and trying not to let his mind wander to the bad things. His face still hurt terribly and he was almost certain his right cheekbone had been broken by one of the blows he’d received. 

Just as he closed his eyes, his phone went off again—a needy chirp from Vic who wanted to know if Kellin was feeling better and if there wasn’t anything he needed Vic to bring him when he came over.

Kellin sighed heavily at the sight of the message. Maybe he wouldn’t get to go back to sleep after all; not anytime soon anyway. 

He didn’t want to see Vic. Or, more accurately, he didn’t want Vic to see _him._ He didn’t want that look of pity—or the look of disgust he’d had nightmares about when he slept. 

Awful dreams… Dreams of Vic coming in instead of his mother, dreams of Vic yelling at him for cheating and storming out instead of helping him. Todd sneered at him in the nightmares, growled at him about how no one would love him ever again, no one would touch him ever again. He really didn’t want to see anyone after having nightmares like that, but Vic wasn’t going to listen. He was adamant about coming over and Kellin got less than an hour to himself before the doorbell rang. 

Right away, he felt sick to his stomach. He knew it was Vic, but it was the same as yesterday. He thought it was Vic, he opened the door, he’d gotten hurt. It was stupid and irrational, but he didn’t want to open that door. He was scared it was going to be Todd or one of his friends. He’d avoided checking his social media, just knowing he had nothing but hatred waiting for him because he got Todd arrested. 

Even that thought made him sick—the thought of his ex- locked up behind bars. He didn’t feel safer, he just felt guilty. I didn’t want any of this to happen. He’d just wanted to be with Vic—he wanted to be with someone who loved him the way Vic did… But Todd made it incredibly clear that he didn’t deserve that.

He didn’t deserve anyone.

Kellin looked at the screen of his phone which lit up with a call from Vic. He answered it without saying hello.

“Kellin? I’m outside. Can…Can I still come in? I won’t hurt you or anything.”

“I’ll be down in a minute,” Kellin said before slowly pulling himself up. Each step sent pain all through his body and his face throbbed endlessly as he made his way down the stairs to the front door. 

He looked this time before opening it, even though he could still hear Vic breathing on the other side of the phone.

He was standing outside on the porch, big sweater on and a new, grey snapback covering his head. Kellin hung up the phone and stared at him through the glass for a moment until Vic looked up and saw him. 

Kellin sniffed and opened the door, stepping far back as Vic came inside. He made sure to keep his head down, not really wanting Vic to see his bruises. He was ashamed of them. In Kellin’s mind, no matter how sick it was, he felt he deserved each and every mark. He just wished Vic hadn’t been so adamant about coming over to see them.

“Hey—Oh man… _Kell.”_ Vic closed the door behind himself and closed the distance between them, grabbing Kellin’s hands and holding both of them in a too gentle grasp.

“I told you I looked bad,” Kellin whispered, pulling his hands free of Vic’s in order to cover his face. He _hated_ this. He hated that he didn’t want Vic to touch him or see him when he used to love all of Vic’s attention. Kellin just wanted to go away and hide. He didn’t want to be standing near the couch where Todd had beaten him. 

“He… He _really_ hurt you,” Vic said. The crack in his voice made Kellin lower his hands. He didn’t expect Vic to look so sad. He didn’t expect Vic to start _crying_ just from one look at him. “Oh, God… What—What did he do?”

“He kicked me,” Kellin said, swallowing hard.

“Your face?”

“Yeah. Everywhere.”

“Jesus Christ, he could’ve… Oh, man.” Vic ducked his head quickly, shaking it as he took in a sharp breath. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve come over yesterday after school. I-I thought about asking. I should have.” Vic lifted his hand and wiped his cheek, rubbing away a few tears. 

Kellin didn’t know whether to feel guilty or _happy_ that Vic cared about him enough to cry for him.

“Can we…go upstairs? I don’t…” Kellin looked over his shoulder at the couch and its crumpled cushions. He didn’t want Vic in his bed, but he couldn’t sit down here. 

“Okay. Let me get you some ice. Your cheek is so swollen…” Vic stepped closer to him and Kellin backed up, turning his face away when Vic made to touch him. His face _hurt._ He couldn’t bear to have Vic put any more pressure on it. “I’m sorry. I should—I know better. I’m sorry. I won’t touch you.” Vic smiled nervously and ducked his head as he made his way to Kellin’s kitchen where he filled an empty plastic bag with ice. 

Kellin went upstairs and laid down in his bed, waiting for Vic to come back to him. When he did, he was carrying a bag of ice wrapped in a wash cloth from the bathroom. He came over to the bed and sat down at Kellin’s side, a frown tugging the corners of his mouth as he touched the ice to Kellin’s cheek. 

“I’m so sorry this happened,” Vic whispered, his expression so bleak and sad as he held the ice against Kellin’s darkest bruise. “It hurts just to see you like this… I can’t even imagine… Oh, man.” Vic squeezed his eyes closed and shook his head a little, trying to dispel the tears in his eyes. 

Kellin didn’t know what to say to him. He didn’t like seeing Vic upset, but he couldn’t bring himself to say he was sorry for letting this happen. Vic would just shush him anyway, tell him it wasn’t his fault for any of it like always.

Vic was always kind that way…

It surprised Kellin a bit how safe he felt with Vic here. He’d been so nervous knowing he was coming over, but now he felt so at peace. Vic knew what happened yet he was still so loving and even twice as gentle as before. He was even crying a little—sad to see Kellin hurting, not delighting in it like Todd.

Kellin wondered if Vic wanted to kiss him or if he looked too awful to deserve that kind of attention right now. If offered though, Kellin wouldn’t resist. He wanted Vic close. He wanted Vic to make him feel safe. 

“Can I get you anything? Do you want water or something to eat?” Vic asked, moving the bag of ice to Kellin’s other cheek. 

“I’m okay,” Kellin mumbled, staring up at him. He wanted a kiss… He was scared to ask for one though. He _knew_ Vic wouldn’t dare try to take it further, but the thought still frightened him. 

He let his eyes close, leaning his cheek against the cool ice. It felt so different to have someone taking care of him like this—someone besides Nurse Susan and his mother. He felt so _safe._

“Vic?”

“Yeah?” His voice was choked but still so eager—jumping at the chance to be even more helpful.

“You should lay down with me.” As soon as he asked, Vic obeyed. He was laying at Kellin’s side, letting Kellin rest his head against his shoulder and still holding the bag of ice in place. Over and over, he kissed Kellin on the forehead and sighed—he’d nuzzle his hair every now and then, too, trying to be as affectionate as possible without putting any pressure on Kellin’s bruises. 

Kellin felt so comforted with him here—with Vic risking everything to be here for him. His dad was going to be so angry when he found out Vic skipped school to see him. Kellin was so worried the man might beat him again. Vic didn’t deserve that with the way his back had been hurting. 

“They screened me for diseases and stuff in the emergency room,” Kellin said, slowly trying to ease himself into telling everything that happened to him yesterday night. He was so used to hiding all of these things and it felt almost relieving to know that Vic was here and that’d he’d listen without judging. Vic was never going to tell him it was all his own fault.

“Oh? Did… Did something come up?” Vic asked, pulling back a fraction of an inch. He sounded scared and Kellin couldn’t blame him. He hadn’t meant to startle him—not realizing what he’d inadvertently said by bringing it up at all.

“No—No, I didn’t mean it like that. They don’t think I have anything, but they check because…because of everything that happened. I get the results back in a couple days… It hurts when they check you…”

Vic made a sound of pain and pressed closer again, kissing Kellin’s forehead once more. 

“I wish my mom hadn’t come home. I didn’t like the hospital.”

“It… It’s _good_ though. He’s in jail now—he can’t hurt you again.”

“Yeah, but my mom saw… And who’s to say he won’t get out and just…come back? And my _mom_ saw _everything.”_

“I feel so bad… I should’ve come over after school like I wanted. I would’ve been there… None of this would’ve happened.”

“It’s not your fault,” Kellin murmured, pressing as close as he could. He didn’t want Vic upset. He just wanted his affection.

“I… I should’ve been at the hospital with you at least, not bugging you about my stupid car.”

“I liked hearing about your car. It gave me something else to think about.”

“But I should’ve been there for you… I wish you’d told me so I could’ve been there.”

“Why? You’d just worry. I wanted to hear about the car. You were happy. I feel better when you’re happy.”

“Yeah, but I like to know when something bad happens. I want to be there for you, like you are with me.”

“You never tell me when your dad hits you.”

“He _doesn’t_ hit me anymore.”

“How would I know that? You don’t talk about it… It’s the same with me. I’d rather not talk about it. I don’t want you to feel bad.”

“But I’m going to feel bad… I love you and it _kills_ me when you’re hurting like this.” 

Kellin sighed and tilted his head up before stealing a small kiss on the lips. He didn’t want to make Vic angry with him. He didn’t want Vic to storm out and leave him… 

“Are you mad at me?”

“No! I’m not—Kellin… Don’t think I’m angry. I just _worry_ about you. You’re all I’ve got. I hate that Todd’s gotten away with hurting you so many times… I don’t want him putting you in the hospital again.”

“He didn’t put me in the hospital. Mom freaked out and made me go. It was awful—being there was worse than what Todd did.”

“How can you say that?” Vic asked, pulling away and sitting up. He took the ice away for only a moment, but his need to offer comfort trumped his anger and he gently place it over Kellin’s cheek again.

Kellin put his hand over Vic’s and took the ice on his own as he sat up.

“Because I _know_ Todd. I didn’t know that doctor or the nurse who kept touching me. They made get this exam and they were touching me _everywhere._ It _hurt,_ Vic. Then—then they had the nerve to say there wasn’t any physical _proof_ that he raped me. Like I made it up or something…”

“I don’t think they meant that, Kellin,” Vic said, looking pained even as he spoke. “Did he not…go all the way?”

“He tried…” Kellin felt a knot form in his throat as he remembered. “He tried, but he didn’t have anything with him so it didn’t… He couldn’t get it to…”

“I-I get it,” Vic said, ending Kellin’s misery. “Jesus Christ… Why would he do that?—Why would he…” He squeezed his eyes shut hard. “I’m sorry. God… Why the hell does he do that? Why? I don’t fucking get it!” When he opened his eyes, they were full of hatred and anger—a look so fierce that Kellin drew back from him, lowering the ice from his face in case he needed it as a weapon. “You’re—You’re so _good,_ and nice. Wh-Why does he need to hurt you? Why?”

“I don’t know,” Kellin whispered, swallowing hard. 

“It just… It doesn’t make fucking sense. You don’t deserve that—he doesn’t… He doesn’t have the right…”

“It…It’s okay,” Kellin stammered, at a loss for what to say. 

“It makes me so _mad._ You’re perfect and he keeps hurting you like you’re nothing to him. How can he do that? You’re _perfect._ How can he keep treating you like this?”

“It’s okay,” Kellin repeated, scooting closer again and putting his ice back to his cheek. 

Vic growled to himself and then laid down on the bed again, whimpering in the way he only did when his back was bothering him. Kellin laid down beside him and kissed him on the lips gently, sighing in relief when Vic kissed back just as softly. 

He was calming down. The yelling would stop and they could go back to being at ease.


	20. Chapter 20

He’d barely made it two steps through the door before it happened. Vic knew his parents would find out he’d skipped school and he knew they would be mad, but it had been a risk he was willing to take. He’d even discussed with Kellin that his phone and laptop would probably be taken away for a while, but even though he couldn’t text it didn’t mean he was trying to ignore Kellin on purpose.

He’d expected to be grounded, not to be grabbed by his shirt collar the moment he came through the door. He dropped his backpack with a heavy slam out of surprise, almost dropping it on Mike’s foot behind him, but his father didn’t startle or loosen his grip. Vic was dragged through the living room and thrown into the kitchen where he crashed against the table. His palms slapped against the smooth surface as he tried to keep his balance, but before he could push himself away from the table, his father grabbed him by the shirt collar again—only this time he shoved Vic’s head down against the table, pinning him.

Immediately, a white-hot bolt of pain shot down Vic’s injured spine, making him go rigid. It took all the breath from his lungs and he couldn’t speak to apologize or cry out from the sharp pain. He flinched when he heard the all too familiar jingling of his father’s belt, knowing and dreading what was about to come. His back throbbed and he tried to roll his shoulders in a way to alleviate the pressure. 

It was a subtle movement, but his father mistook it for an attempt to escape and, in a split second, he’d shoved Vic even more firmly into the table. Something about the position of his hand, or maybe it was the way the edge of the table bit into Vic’s stomach, caused that surge of excruciating pain to come again. Only this time it didn’t stop. 

Again and again and again, the shocks of agony traveled up his spine—making him twitch each time and sealing his throat. He’d only gotten to cry out once as he was thrust against the table. Now, he couldn’t even breathe.

And that was before the beating started.

The first blow struck with enough force that the table lurched forward under him and the second blow was just as hard, causing Vic to pitch forward against the table even more. He almost sank to his knees the pain was so intense, but when his balance faltered, that piercing pain strangled him even tighter. Three times a second—if not more—his back cried out in the protest, sending those shockwaves of agony through his whole body. He felt absolutely _paralyzed_ by it. He tried to scream, but all he could do was choke on the air. 

With the table pressed into his gut harder and harder with each strike, he began to feel as if he were being smashed. He was nauseated by the second blow from the belt, and gagged after the third. The shooting pain didn’t help and honestly he felt it more than the whipping. His whole body was wracked with a pain so intense he couldn’t even gasp for a breath.

He was suffocating. His father was choking him, beating him, and he couldn’t scream for help.

Not that anyone would save him if he did.

Helplessness flooded him just as rapidly as the pain and he reached back with his right arm, trying to grab the hand his father used to keep him pinned. The more he moved, the harder his father pressed on him—making his back give its cruelest spasm yet. 

Three more blows with the belt, twice as much pressure on his spine, Vic’s legs dropped out from under him and his father’s hand was all that kept him in place. He tried to wail and only ended up gagging with all the added pressure to his gut.

Five hard, harsh lashes and everything stopped. His father’s hand was off his back and Vic fell down onto the floor—all the way down onto his side. He laid perfectly still, waiting for his back to set off another spasm, but none came. All he was left with now was the nausea, the aftershocks, and a horrible, stinging pain in his upper thighs.

He didn’t realize how hard he was crying until he could finally pull in a breath and lost it immediately in a sob. 

“All you got was ten. You have no right to act that way.” His father’s voice was cold and firm. Far from compassionate; far from loving. “Get up. Get up!”

Vic just laid on the floor and stared at him, trying to catch his breath when all he could do was sob. He was _terrified._ He’d been suffocating. His father had been smothering him. He didn’t even acknowledge that Vic had barely made a sound the entire beating—that he _couldn’t_ make a sound without air in his lungs. He was just staring down at him with hate and anger while Vic looked up at him and cried. 

“Vic?” His mother appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, looking confused—like she couldn’t make sense of what she’d heard happening. 

Vic didn’t want her anywhere near him, but he was unable to move when she came closer. He was so scared he’d set off another round of pain—terrified the shocks down his spine would return.

“I only gave him ten! He’s just trying to get your attention!—I don’t care what those damned social workers had to say. He’s not getting away with cutting class like that to do god knows what!” His father kept screaming at her, but his mother didn’t listen. She knelt down at Vic’s side and started to rub his shoulder.

“Are you okay? You look like you’re going to be sick…”

“B-Back hurts,” Vic choked, looking from her to his father. 

He hated that man. 

He _hated_ that man…

“I didn’t hit him in the back!”

“I told you not to put him over the table! I told you this would happen! He can’t _bend_ that way! He can hardly lean over to help me with dishes at the sink!”

Vic shook as they yelled at one another, wishing he could get away but still too scared to move until his mother started pulling him up by his shoulders.

“Go upstairs now, Vic. You go lay down and give your back some rest—”

“Don’t baby him! He skipped _school_ today!”

Vic was caught in the middle of their argument, afraid to even walk on his own. If it hadn’t been for Mike who darted into the kitchen and grabbed Vic by his arm, he may have stood there all night.

“Come on. I told you you’d get it when we got home,” Mike said, leading Vic up the stairs to his bedroom. “Are you alright? It really didn’t sound that bad.”

“My back,” Vic choked. “Something about the way he pushed on my back… I-I couldn’t breathe or anything.”

“I noticed you didn’t make any noise. Shit. I thought he was going easy on you.” Mike looked concerned after that, his indifference chipping away. “Did he, like, break it or something?”

“No, it was like muscle spasm or something. It _hurt._ He could’ve just done that it would have been bad enough. He didn’t need to hit me.” Vic slowly climbed onto his bed and laid down, his entire body shuddering with one last jolt of pain before the only ache he felt was from the beating.

“How’s Kellin doing? Still sick?”

“He’s not sick,” Vic mumbled, covering his eyes with his arm to block out the light. 

“No!? Then why the hell did you _have_ to go over there? You know I’m getting hit for this, too, right? You know _I’m_ going to be next. How can he just not be sick? Did you two just want an excuse to fuck all day!?”

“Todd beat him up. And put him in the hospital. I needed to go see him.”

“Shit…” Mike groaned then, almost sounding sympathetic. “Is he okay now then? Does he have broken bones or something?”

“His face is all bruised. It hurts just to look at him.” It hurt just to think about it. “He can’t really walk right either because he’s sore… Todd’s in jail though.”

“Well… That’s one good thing, I guess,” Mike said, looking over his shoulder at the doorway when he heard footsteps on the stairs. 

He looked terrified when their father appeared in Vic’s bedroom doorway, his belt dangling from one hand.

“Get in your room,” he said. Mike obeyed; his father followed after him.

He’d gotten ten as well and he hadn’t even been the one at fault.

( ) ( ) ( )

Kellin would give anything to see Vic again soon. He wished more than anything that he’d convinced his boyfriend not to skip school that day… He hadn’t seen or heard from Vic since then, but got a somewhat polite Facebook messages from Jaime saying Vic and Mike were both grounded. It wasn’t worth it, Kellin felt. He missed Vic so much and he needed his support now more than ever.

It had been a week and he still couldn’t bring himself to return to school, even though he knew that was the only place he could see Vic and be close to him. His face was still so bruised and he didn’t want to dodge the questions… His mother told him he needed to take at least one more week off, but he didn’t know if he could wait that long—even with his bruises. 

He _needed_ to see Vic, especially with his court date fast approaching. He was going to have to face Todd again and he didn’t _want_ to. He needed Vic with him… He needed someone to make him feel safe again.

Finally, though, after a week of waiting, Vic started texting him again. The first message was long—a heap of apologies crowded with explanations about where he’d been and why he’d been grounded. He said he didn’t regret missing school in order to be at Kellin’s side, but he was sorry it meant they had to be parted for so long afterwards. Kellin was too relieved just to hear from him to really scold him for making the bad decision in the first place—he knew Vic would get himself in trouble, but he’d been so _determined_ to come over… The comfort had been great, but it wasn’t worth it.

He needed Vic so much after that horrible ordeal—he needed to be certain that his boyfriend still wanted him and that Todd hadn’t gotten to him somehow and convinced him it was all consensual.

“So you got grounded again?” Kellin asked after all the explanations stopped pouring in. 

_Yeah. He hit me again too ):_

Kellin’s heart broke a little when he read that text. Vic’s back hurt him so much as it was, he didn’t need a beating to go with it. 

“How bad?” Kellin asked, adding as many different frowning emojis he could find.

_The way he pushed on my back made it so I couldn’t breathe. It hurt but it was still worth it to see you. I miss you soooo much._

They talked back and forth for hours catching up on the details of each other’s lives. Mike had stopped talking to Vic for a few days after they’d gotten in trouble but was starting to come back around again. Kellin had a feeling Mike had gotten beaten as well though Vic never said so. Jaime had told him both brothers got grounded and Kellin highly doubted getting grounded was all it took to make Mike stop talking to him.

Their conversation slowly shifted back onto Kellin, Vic asking about his injuries and wondering if Kellin felt okay enough to send a picture of himself. He missed seeing Kellin’s smile, he said, like he thought it was that easy for Kellin to look happy after what had happened. 

Kellin admitted that his bruises were still too dark and he didn’t want to take any pictures. 

_I still think you’re beautiful,_ Vic said. It wasn’t enough to get Kellin to send a photo, but it made him melt just a little. 

He needed to see Vic again soon. He was the only person in the world who could make him feel better and he did it so easily.

“What are we going to do for your birthday?” Kellin asked, wanting the conversation off of him. 

_I don’t know… Before I got grounded I was going to ask if I could spend the night at your house but you probably don’t want that right now. I’m probably still in trouble. I probably can’t do anything for my birthday LOL..._

“Why wouldn’t I want you to stay over?” Kellin asked. He felt safer with Vic around and he missed him so much. Having him stay the night…Kellin couldn’t think of anything better.

_I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I guess if my dad did let me come over, I could always sleep on the couch. I miss you a whole lot._

He wanted Vic back. He wanted Vic close to him so, so badly.

( ) ( ) ( )

When Kellin finally came back to school, Vic couldn’t have been any happier. It was a surprise to see Kellin walking up the hallway toward him, the boy never having said he would return that day, and Vic couldn’t keep the stupid grin off his face. He still had yellowing bruises around his eyes and on his cheekbones, but Vic didn’t pay them any mind. He wrapped Kellin up in the tightest hug he could manage and kissed him on the cheek.

“You didn’t tell me you were coming back today,” Vic said, letting go of Kellin so he could put his books away.

“I wanted it to be a surprise. Were you surprised?” Kellin asked, smiling just a little. He looked tired and sad, but Vic could understand that after all he’d been trough—especially with the trial coming up.

“Can’t you tell?” Vic asked. He leaned over to press a kiss onto Kellin’s cheek, managing to get the boy to crinkle his nose the way he always did when he got flustered. 

“I’ve been excused from gym class for the week, but I’ll see you in Art and at lunch,” Kellin said.

“I’m just excited you’re back at all. I missed you so much. You wouldn’t even believe it.”

They continued to talk while they put their books away—though Vic was mostly just staring at Kellin who would blush every time he noticed—then Vic walked Kellin to his first class. The kiss he got before leaving Kellin at the door was fresh in his mind all the way until it was time to see Kellin again. During lunch, he kept his arm around Kellin’s shoulders no matter what kind of looks his friends passed him across the table. He had his boyfriend back and he finally felt whole again. 

He couldn’t keep his hands to himself, even if he wanted to. All he wanted in the world was to stroke Kellin’s hair and press kisses onto his cheeks until they stopped turning pink from it. He wanted to hold him all day, keep him safe in his arms where no one else could touch him again. 

By the end of the day, Vic was almost shaking in fear at the thought of leaving Kellin alone. He didn’t want him going home where there was no one to protect him. He wanted Kellin to stay with him—he wanted to go with Kellin. 

But he couldn’t risk getting grounded or beaten again so he hugged Kellin goodbye and kissed him on the mouth.

“I’ll text you later, okay?” Vic said, hesitating to let go of Kellin’s hand. Mike was standing by the doorway behind him huffing rather loudly and checking his phone again and again as he watched the minutes tick by. 

“Don’t get in trouble, okay? Maybe we can hang out this weekend?”

“I’ll do my best,” Vic said, kissing Kellin on the lips again. Kellin smiled and hugged him one last time before stepping back—seeming to understand Vic wasn’t going to be the first one to walk away. “I love you,” he added before Kellin could escape him completely. 

“I love you too,” Kellin said, smiling. His face glowed despite the yellowed bruises and Vic couldn’t wait for the next day, for the chance to get him smiling again. 

And then he was gone, leaving Vic behind with Mike who snapped that they needed to get home before their father deemed them late.

Of course, by the time they did get home, their father was at the restaurant and it was their mother who clicked her tongue at them and asked what took so long—even though five minutes was hardly what Vic would consider late. 

“Kellin came back to school today. I had to say goodbye to him,” Vic said when his mother started asking her questions. 

“Oh. He finally made it back to classes?”

“Yeah. He was waiting for his bruises to heal up so people wouldn’t make fun of him,” Vic grumbled, going upstairs to put his bag away before starting on his chores. It startled him a bit when his mother followed after him and appeared in the doorway behind him.

“Vic?”

“What?” He asked, his heart still racing a bit. He knew she wasn’t going to hit him, but having one of his parents follow him that way left him terrified. His back finally, finally stopped hurting so much and he didn’t want it to have cause to start up again. 

“I wanted to talk to you about that…about Kellin and everything.”

Vic turned away from her and rolled his eyes. She probably wanted to ask him for the millionth time if he was sure he didn’t want a girlfriend instead. She knew a lady with a pretty daughter who looked ‘just like Kellin’ if he wanted to meet her.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it—”

“I don’t have anything to say,” Vic snapped. “I’m in love with Kellin. Why can’t you just accept that?”

“In love…” His mother whispered to herself. “Vic… With what happened to Kellin, I started thinking… You’ve never been with someone like that, have you? Or—Or just had someone at school hurt you?”

“What do you care?” Vic snapped. Was she seriously trying to ask if he’d been beaten up by someone before? Of course he had! In this very room—by _her husband._

“Vic—”

“Mom, the only person who _hurts_ me is Dad! I couldn’t even _breathe_ the last time he hit me. He pinned me by my back and it _hurt._ Why don’t you worry about _that_ for once?”

She looked at him in silence, a small bit of shame in her eyes.

“I’m sorry. I… I know that doesn’t make up for it, but I did everything I could to keep your father’s temper in check that day. You really shouldn’t have skipped school like that—”

“No, he shouldn’t have _beaten_ me like that! It’s not right! And what about _Mike?_ He didn’t even do anything wrong and Dad still hit him! He didn’t even do _anything!”_

“Yes, I know that.”

“Then say something to _Dad_ about it!”

“He just wants you and your brother to do well at this school—”

“We are! I’m passing all of my classes. I’m on the honor roll. He’s angry at me because of Kellin.”

“You skipped _school!”_

“So what? It was one day! I didn’t have any tests. Kellin _needed_ me.”

“I’m sure he could’ve waited until after school.”

“Well I couldn’t! Todd put him in the hospital! If Dad was in the hospital, wouldn’t you want to see him as soon as you could? Even if they said he was okay? You’d want to be there for him, right?”

His mother was quiet a moment, then lowered her gaze and nodded. 

“Yes. I understand that. But you can’t just run away like that—”

“And he can’t just hit me like that! Stand up for me for once! I know you and Dad don’t want me seeing Kellin, but he’s the only person who _loves_ me. You _can’t_ keep me from him!”

“He is _not_ the only person who loves you,” his mother said, her eyes going dark.

“Yes he is! You can make up all the excuses you want, but if you or Dad cared about me, he would never hit me like that!—You wouldn’t _let_ him!”

“I can’t stop your father! You don’t think I’ve _tried!?_ You don’t think I’ve begged him not to? That night at dinner after the accident when you started saying all those awful things, I had to _cry_ to get him to leave you alone! I try, Victor! You better believe I do everything I can! Maybe I can’t stop him every time, and maybe it shouldn’t happen at all, but he’s a good man, Vic! Do you know how many times he could’ve packed up and left us? Look at Kellin, since you’re so fond of him! Does he have a father? No!—But you do! So stop acting like having consequences is some kind of abuse. You’re _lucky._ If not for your father, we’d still be in that godawful slum and you never would’ve even _met_ Kellin.”

She was right. And, god, how Vic hated that she was right. Even if he did meet Kellin some other way, the boy never would’ve associated with him—a piece of LHS trash. 

“Do your chores… Then help me with dinner,” his mother said, her tone becoming even. With that she was gone from his room, leaving him in silence. 

He hated it so much that she was right…

Vic checked his phone before setting it down on his desk. He had a text from Kellin that ended with a heart and started with a smile. Would he still feel that way if something went wrong and Vic ended up back in the slum? 

Would he still offer up his affection and his love if Vic went back to being another loser from LHS?

Another text came through before Vic set his phone down.

_Hurry with your chores! I miss you! Luv U!!_

Maybe, Vic thought with a small smile as he typed a fast reply. 

Maybe.


	21. Chapter 21

Vic noticed it immediately after school that something was wrong—not with Kellin this time despite the court date he had on Wednesday, but with Mike. His brother was visibly anxious, dropping papers and books as he tried to fit them into his backpack as quickly as possible. Tony tried saying something to him, but Mike didn’t look up from the pages he was shuffling together into a somewhat neat stack on the floor. 

“Kell, I’ll see you later, okay?” Vic said, looking at his boyfriend for a second or two—just long enough to make eye contact—before glancing back over at Mike. 

“Okay. I love you!” Kellin said, seeming to understand Vic’s concerns as well when he saw how frantic Mike looked. 

They kissed goodbye and Vic hurried over to Mike’s locker, kneeling down beside him and holding his book bag open for him as he stuffed the papers back inside.

“What’s the matter?” Vic asked.

“Nothing,” Mike snapped. He didn’t sound angry, he sounded frightened, and Vic looked up at Tony for any answers or clues he might have.

Tony simply shook his head and shrugged.

“He’s been like this since last period. I don’t know what happened.”

“Did someone say something—”

“No! Can we just go home please? Or do you need another thirty minutes with your boyfriend?” Mike snapped, standing quickly and slinging his bag onto his shoulder. As soon as it was in place, he grabbed his hat from his locker and fitted it onto his head. “I get in trouble when we’re late home too, you know? The whole world isn’t about you and Kellin.”

“I know that,” Vic said, unable to keep his tone from becoming defensive. Had he known his father was going to beat Mike the time he skipped school to see Kellin, he wouldn’t have done it—he honestly wouldn’t have. He thought their father was rational enough to know that Mike couldn’t stop him from doing what he wanted, but he’d thought wrong and he was _sorry._

Mike hurried out to their car and slammed the passenger side door once he got in, holding onto his book bag in his lap as if for dear life.

“Are you going to tell me what your problem is before we get home and Mom starts crawling all over you?” Vic asked as he started the car.

Mike didn’t say anything until they were in the driveway of the house, until Vic took the key from the ignition and made to get out of the car. 

“I don’t want to go in,” Mike said, staring at the house. 

“Why? Tell me what happened,” Vic pressed. He was worried. Mike didn’t act like this—he never acted like this. He did his best to keep his problems to himself, but today it seemed like his anxiety was about to swallow him whole.

“Dad’s going to kill me, that’s why.”

“He’s not even home,” Vic said, even though he knew it wouldn’t help. He would be home, eventually, and then there would be nowhere to hide.

“He’ll _come home._ Then I don’t know what I’m going to do,” Mike said, still staring at the house. His eyes looked so haunted—so fearful—and Vic felt terrible that there was nothing he could do to help. If Mike had done something wrong at school, if he’d done anything that would get their father’s attention on him, Vic was as helpless against what would follow as his brother.

“Mike… What happened?” Vic asked. “Did you get detention or something?”

“No,” Mike said, his face suddenly turning dark. “It’s not my fault! Why does everybody assume that every fucking thing is _my fault!?”_ He threw open the car door and stepped out, slinging his bag onto his shoulder again before slamming the door as hard as he could. 

Vic sighed irritably and got out of the car as well, pausing to get his backpack out of the backseat before locking the car up for the night. By the time he got inside, Mike was already upstairs in his room, leaving Vic to turn over his car keys to their mother who stared at him in expectation.

“Well?” She asked. 

“Well, what? I don’t know what his problem is,” Vic said as he slipped off his shoes and placed them on the floor mat. Mike’s shoes weren’t there, meaning he’d dared to leave them on… The sight of it, two battered sneakers absent from the beige mat, filled Vic with dread.

Something awful must’ve happened if he didn’t even care about following the simplest of their father’s rules.

“Well did you _ask_ him?”

“I tried. He won’t tell me. He’s scared Dad is going to be mad at him. I don’t know what he did.”

His mother didn’t need to bother telling him that it was his job to go find out what was wrong with his brother. It didn’t matter if Mike didn’t want to talk about it or _wouldn’t._ Though if he continued to be stubborn, their mother would come in and try herself—prying and prying and promising false promises until he would cave and confess whatever secret he was holding back. 

“Get him to bring his shoes down at least. I don’t want your father getting any angrier than he already is today. He found out that new girl Tracey _was_ stealing the unopened liquor bottles and he’s been on the warpath since this morning.”

 _Great,_ Vic thought. That was _exactly_ what they needed. Their already pissed off father coming home and beating Mike for whatever small mistake he’d made.

“I’ll talk to him,” Vic said, feeling sick to his stomach as he climbed the stairs. He didn’t want to spend the evening listening to Mike get beaten. He didn’t want to sit in his room and wait for his father to come for him. He didn’t want to listen to Mike sniffing back tears for the rest of the night. 

He didn’t _want_ this. He wanted out of this place so damned badly.

Before, when they’d been at LHS and lived in the slum, they hardly ever got struck. Vic had gone most of a year without getting hit and Mike…he could manage a few months at a time if he didn’t let his mouth get away with him when he was frustrated. Now it was almost weekly—close to daily. One of them was always getting screamed at or grounded for something, and though Vic managed to get out of being struck quite a bit after everything that had gone wrong, Mike wasn’t so lucky. 

Vic stood outside Mike’s door a moment after putting his bag away in his room and sending Kellin a text. He could hear Mike muttering to himself, speaking under his breath in a rapid, almost vicious way.

Something had gone wrong—very wrong. Vic knew it. 

“Mike? I’m coming in…” Vic sighed before opening the door, hating that he was being put up to this. How could his mother send him to interrogate his little brother, beg to know what was wrong and then reassure him nothing bad would happen when they all knew very well that it wasn’t true?

Mike was sitting on his bed with his backpack still in his lap as he’d had it in the car, hugging it to his chest as if he were afraid Vic was going to tear it away from him.

“Mom wants me to talk to you…” Vic said, looking down at the floor. He couldn’t stand the look in his brother’s eyes. Mike wouldn’t look at him, he just stared at the floor looking helpless, looking half out of his mind with worry. “Mike, if something happened…we can talk to Mom about it. She might be able to keep Dad off your back.”

“She can’t help,” Mike said, his voice so soft and nearly impossible to hear.

“Why? What _happened?”_

“I’m fucking stupid. That’s what happened,” Mike said, finally moving. He still stared at the floor, but his hands began unzipping the front flap on his backpack and he pulled out a small bundle of papers. 

“What’s this?” Vic asked, taking them from Mike and looking them over. The first was a failed test—a _very_ much failed, six-page science test sporting a circled, red 22% and a note asking Mike to wait after class. The next paper was a flier about tutoring services hosted after school, and the final page was a yellow form Mike needed to fill out with a parent’s signature allowing him to stay after school an extra hour for the next few weeks. 

“Dad’s going to murder me and it’s not even my _fault._ We didn’t _have_ this class at LHS. I don’t know anything that’s going on! I’ve been trying to study but I can’t pass. I haven’t passed a single fucking test and I don’t know what to do.” Mike’s voice cracked a little and he shook his head as if it would help him regain his composure. “We came in mid-year! I don’t know how they expected me to do this.”

“Dad’ll understand that,” Vic said, knowing it was a lie.

“No he won’t! I need him to sign my form and my test, and then he’s going to _beat_ me! I’m too fucking stupid to figure it out myself and he’s going to _kill_ me! I tried—I tried so fucking hard and it’s not _fair.”_ Mike shoved his backpack onto the floor, the books inside it causing it to slam hard enough to shake the floor a little. “Why couldn’t we have stayed at LHS? Why did we have to come _here!?_ I _liked_ our last school! I was one of the smart kids; I had friends there! People liked us!”

“I know—”

“No you _don’t_ know! You don’t! You have _Kellin!”_

“This doesn’t have anything to do with Kellin,” Vic argued, wanting his boyfriend as far out of the discussion as possible.

“Yes it does! You get to run off with Kellin and _text_ Kellin whenever something bad happens to you. You get to sneak off and sleep with him, then I’m stuck here with Mom and Dad! Then Dad beats me when he’s pissed off at you and Mom won’t let him touch you. It’s not fair! You skipped school to be with Kellin that day. I couldn’t stop you! Why the hell did he hit me!? Why did I have to get it when I didn’t _do_ anything?”

His voice had gotten so loud that Vic was surprised their mother wasn’t already in the doorway asking what all the commotion was about. He didn’t need to yell, though. Vic understood. He got it, no matter how much Mike insisted he didn’t. It was a combination of things all falling down on Mike at once. He’d failed his test and knew he would be punished for it, knew that even if he weren’t failing any of his classes he would be punished again soon anyway—possibly for something he’d done, possibly not.

“I’m… I’m sorry about that day. It’s just…Kellin really needed me.”

“Right, and I’m what? Damages? You know I’m getting beaten for it, but you do it anyway? I guess it shouldn’t come as a surprise. I don’t mean shit to anybody in this family. You’re the only one that matters.”

“That’s not true!” Vic argued, a sharp pain tearing through his chest. It had never been his intention for Mike to get hurt. He loved his brother—he was his closest friend besides Kellin. He never meant to make him feel that way.

“Yes it is. Of the two of us, you’re the only one that matters. You’re passing all your classes. You’re the smart one. _I’m_ the failure. I’m the one who can’t get anyone to talk to me but Tony and Jaime. At LHS I could… If we stayed there or if…if our school kicks me out and I can go back, I could at least get a girlfriend if I tried. Here, if I so much as look at them, all the jocks come out and want to fight me. Maybe I wouldn’t care so much about Dad beating the fuck out of me every week if I had somebody like you do…” 

“We… We can talk to Mom about your test,” Vic said, not knowing how else to help. It was true that Mike had started getting bullied for trying to talk to the girls at their new school—it had happened to him within their first week. It probably didn’t help matters either that their mother kept trying to fix Vic up with ‘nice young girls’ while leaving Mike to fend for himself.

“Like that’s going to help. I got hit last Friday because that asshole at the restaurant wanted to cause a scene over nothing. She couldn’t help me then…” Mike dropped his head into his hands and let out a frustrated groan—a noise far too close to a scream. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want hit again. I-I can’t take it. I didn’t do anything _wrong.”_

“She knows you study. _I_ know you study. She can keep Dad off your back.”

“For half an hour,” Mike said, his voice choked. “I tried so hard… I thought I did good on that test. I really did. But I’m too fucking stupid to figure it out. God…” 

Vic wanted to promise him that it would be alright, but he couldn’t. Most likely, their father would come home and beat him. That’s all there was to it, whether their mother tried to intervene or not. A failed test was a failed test—things like that had consequences no matter how hard Mike tried to succeed. 

At least when he felt this low, he had Kellin to go to. Who did Mike have? Tony or Jaime. No one who could honestly comfort him the way a girlfriend might be able to—the way Kellin always did for Vic. 

“It’s—”

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” Mike interjected, his head still buried in his hands. “I don’t think I can… What’s the point, anyway? I’m not smart; I’m not good for anything…”

“Mike… Don’t say that. Come on. I-It’s one test.”

“I’m failing the class, Vic! I don’t even think tutoring can help at this point! The highest I can get is a C. Do you know what Dad’s going to do to me when I have a _C_ on my transcript? It’ll be like when you had the drugs in your locker _all over again!_ You know, _I_ have scars from that too! I have marks and I _didn’t do anything!_ I _can’t_ do this anymore! I can’t!”

It was then that Mike started crying, the tears seeming to burst free despite how hard he’d fought to keep them back. He wiped furiously at his cheeks, then settled for grabbing his hat and pulling it down to cover his eyes. 

“Mike, I’m sorry… I-I can talk to Mom and see if she’ll help. It’s not your fault LHS didn’t prepare you for the class.”

“What’s the point? She’s not going to stop him. She’ll be pissed off at me too, because I’m the dumb one. I’m the stupid one, and maybe if Dad hurts me, I’ll try harder.” The thought just made Mike start crying harder and Vic watched him, biting his lip. He felt so guilty—so horrible—because he knew that he was part of the reason Mike was so upset.

Ever since he’d gotten involved with Kellin, they’d both started getting hit more. A lot of it had to do with the stress of the restaurant and the new house, but Mike was getting hit for things that Todd caused—he got whipped for the drugs, for Vic staying out late, for Vic skipping school. He didn’t deserve it. As he kept stating, it _wasn’t_ fair.

“I can’t do this anymore… I don’t see the point.”

“Do what?” Vic asked, afraid he already knew the answer. 

Yes, he knew exactly what Mike meant even before his brother looked up and locked gazes with him. Vic couldn’t stand to see how much pain was in his eyes. Not when he knew he was partially to blame.

 _“This,”_ Mike said, gesturing to all of himself and his room. “Don’t act like you never thought about it. I know you do. That’s why you look at those accident photos all the time. You want to be dead, too. You know it’s not getting any better for us. We’re stuck like this. _Forever.”_

“We’re not stuck here forever. You’ll graduate in a couple years and—”

“And then what? You really think Dad’s going to let both of us _leave?_ We have nowhere to go. He’s made sure of that. We don’t have any friends, we work for _him._ Don’t tell me this ends when we graduate, because it doesn’t. It’s never going to end! We’re going to be stuck with him forever unless we _do_ something about it.”

“You can’t think like that,” Vic said, the fear making his mouth run dry. Mike wasn’t just panicking now and spitting all this out. He’d had these thoughts for a while and Vic was terrified that it was too late to change anything. Vic didn’t want to wake up some morning and find Mike dead on their bathroom floor or have him go missing and turn up on the beach somewhere, drowned. 

“Like you don’t,” Mike said, looking back down at the floor and sniffling. “He’s going to be home soon. I don’t know what else to do… I-I can’t get hit again. I can’t _take_ it. I wasn’t even _bad,_ I’m just _stupid._ It’s not my fault I’m stupid.”

“You’re _not,”_ Vic pressed, hating how frantic Mike’s voice was—hating how pained he looked and how frightened. 

There was only one thing he could think of to do that would help—one thing besides what Mike wanted to do—but Vic was afraid to leave the room to go get it. He knew it was irrational, but he couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Mike alone for one minute. If something happened to him in that span of time, Vic would never, _ever_ forgive himself.

“Mike… Let me take your shoes downstairs at least,” Vic said, thinking of a way to leave the room without feeling as if he were abandoning Mike in his hour of need. “You know how Dad is—”

“Right?” Mike snapped, trying to laugh though it came out sounding more like a sob. “That might take, you know, two fucking lashes off when he gets home.” Regardless, he pulled his shoes off his feet and tossed them at Vic before laying down on his bed and taking his phone out of his pocket. “Better talk to Jaime while I can. We know Dad’s going to take my phone when he gets home… Oh, look, he and Martina are out shopping together. Isn’t he just fucking lucky.” Mike continued to grumble and sniffle to himself as Vic took his shoes and left the bedroom, closing the door behind him. 

As soon as he got to the foot of the stairs, his mother was at his side asking about the loud bang she’d heard and wondering if they’d gotten into a fight because of all the yelling. 

“He’s having trouble in his science class and he thinks you’re going to let Dad beat him for it,” Vic said, trying to keep the tremor of anger out of his voice. It wasn’t fair that Mike had to be so afraid. He was doing the best he could in that class and the extra tutoring would probably be all he needed to pick up his scores—but instead of feeling relieved to have help, he had to be _terrified._

“Trouble? What kind of trouble?”

“He needs to see a tutor after school to help with his grade.”

“Well how bad is his grade?” His mother asked. She didn’t try to reassure him that she wouldn’t let their father hit Mike. She didn’t even acknowledge it. 

“Bad enough to need a tutor!” Vic snapped. How could she not care?

Well that was just fucking fine, Vic thought. If she wouldn’t stick up for Mike, then he would. 

“Don’t yell at me,” his mother said firmly. She’d probably tell his father he’d raised his voice to her, Vic bet. She’d go on and on about how bad they both were until he went after both of them—all because Mike struggled to understand his science course when he was missing the whole first half of the year. 

“I’m going back upstairs,” Vic said after setting Mike’s shoes down on the proper mat. Before going into Mike’s room, though, Vic stopped in his own and picked his prescription bottles out from his desk drawer. He still had a pain killer left and a fair amount of Kellin’s unused muscle relaxer prescription. It wouldn’t help numb the pain of a beating, but it would certainly help to calm Mike down and maybe get those awful thoughts out of his head.

With this pills in hand, Vic took the empty water bottle next to his bed with him into the bathroom and filled it before returning to Mike’s room. Left alone, Mike anxiety seemed to have gotten worse instead of better and he was sitting up again holding his head in one hand while staring down at his phone in the other. He still had tears running down his cheeks and his hand was shaking slightly as he typed out a reply. 

“What do you want now?” He asked, turning his eyes toward Vic and narrowing them suspiciously when he saw the bottle in his hand. 

“I brought you these,” Vic said, extended his hand and dropping the pills into Mike’s palm when he reached for them.

“What? Sleeping pills?”

“Muscle relaxers and a pain killer. It’s what I take when…when Dad gets to me. It’ll help.”

Mike stared at the tablets in his hand, then swallowed them with a bit of the water from Vic’s bottle. 

“Can’t make me feel any worse,” Mike mumbled. “How long do they take to work? Dad’ll be home any minute.”

“About half an hour. I’m going to talk to Mom and see if she can—”

“Once she hears I’m failing, she’s going to want him to beat me, too. It doesn’t matter what you say to them, Vic. Don’t you get it? I’m a failure and it’s my own fault—now I’m going to pay for being fucking stupid and I’m going to have to _keep_ paying until work up the nerve to end all this. And I don’t think I’ll have to wait much longer, either.”

“Don’t talk like that,” Vic said. He was terrified of something bad happening to Mike and felt even worse knowing he was helpless to stop it. 

“Why not? If I die, it’ll be the best thing that ever happened to me.” Mike laid back down and picked up his phone again, staring at the screen. He was doing his best to look unfazed by what he was saying, but Vic could see the tears start to rim his eyes again. 

“Mike—”

“I won’t fail anymore. Dad won’t hit me anymore. I can’t disappoint Mom anymore. It’ll just be…over. It sounds great.”

“I’m going to talk to Mom,” Vic said, slowly backing out of the room. He was scared to go and intended to make a point not to stay away for too long. He hoped the pills would calm Mike down and keep the thoughts at bay for at least a few hours—they always did for Vic.

( ) ( ) ( )

Kellin bit his lip as he stared down at his phone. It showed a missed call from Vic that was made when he’d been in the shower, but it was past eleven o’clock and Vic wasn’t even really allowed on his phone after ten. He was nervous to call back, but he was anxious too that it might have been important. 

Holding his breath, he pressed call and held the phone to his ear. His stomach dropped when Vic answered and his voice was heavy—full of pain and tears.

“What’s the matter? Are you okay?” Kellin asked, fearing his boyfriend had gotten beaten again. Vic didn’t deserve to be treated like that. He used to be so happy when they’d first met, so excited about getting away from LHS and seeing new things. Now he seemed afraid all the time and upset. Kellin hated it. It scared him.

“Dad hit Mike. Then I hit Dad.”

“You—You did what?” Kellin could hardly believe what he was hearing. Sure, Vic had talked in the past about fighting his father if he tried to hit him again, but he’d been punished since that time without attacking the man. Now Vic was saying he hit him? Kellin could only imagine that ending badly.

“I hit my dad,” Vic said before sobbing. “He was hurting Mike. I-I couldn’t take it. He said he wasn’t going to, but he did! He hurt him and Mike didn’t _do_ anything! I-I hate this, Kellin. I hate it.”

“A-Are you okay?” Kellin asked. He felt bad for Mike, sure, but he was worried about Vic. His father was strict and cruel. He wouldn’t take kindly to Vic standing up to him. 

“I’m fine, but Mike… He was talking about _suicide_ today, Kellin. Suicide! I don’t want to lose my brother. I-I don’t know what to do. I told Dad how upset Mike was and he hit him anyway! I-I… I said Mike is upset about his test score and needing tutoring and he’s scared you’re going to hit him and then Dad went and h-hit him.”

“That’s not good at all,” Kellin said, not sure what to do to help. He felt awful for both of them. 

“He said he wasn’t going to hurt him after I told him everything. I-I told him about what Mike had said about being suicidal. Then I heard him start hitting him and I felt so _bad!_ He doesn’t deserve it!”

“I know,” Kellin said, trying to keep his tone gentle. 

“I _hate_ him for this! Mike was so upset over that stupid test! It shouldn’t even _matter!_ He’s not a stupid kid!”

“He’s not,” Kellin agreed. He didn’t talk to Mike much—or at all really—but he knew the other boy wasn’t dumb. 

“I heard Dad hit him, then he started crying and you could hear it all the way downstairs… He hits _hard_ now. He was never this bad before. A-And I just couldn’t take it. I told him Mike was feeling suicidal. I told him… I couldn’t take it. I ran upstairs and I…I grabbed the belt from him. I-I don’t know what came over me. Dad got so pissed off, but… Mike was already so upset, you know? He didn’t deserve it. He kept screaming and I just…” Vic was quiet for a long time, breathing heavily as he tried to get his emotions under control. “I hit my dad in the face with that belt, Kellin… I didn’t even think twice about it. Mike was crying and he was yelling at us and…I lost it. I just lost it. I wanted him to see how much he was hurting us.”

“Did he hit you?” Kellin asked.

“No… He was really quiet like…it was like he was in shock, you know? Then he grabbed the belt out of my hand and just…left. He left the house. He was gone. I… I mean, when I hit him, I screamed at him. I told him ‘Mike didn’t do anything.’ I said that Mike was depressed and it was all his fault, that if anything happened to him or me, it was his fault. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, maybe… Maybe I shouldn’t have hit him. Dad left and he hasn’t come home and won’t answer his phone when Mom calls.”

“He’s probably at the restaurant thinking it over. Maybe a bar or something… I’m sure he’s fine.”

“Mom’s been yelling at me for it asking what I’m going to do if he doesn’t come home—like how are we going to afford the house and everything. I can’t do this anymore, Kellin. It’s ripping me apart. Mike’s suicidal, my dad walked out, my mom doesn’t care about _me_ or Mike. How did this happen? We were so happy back in the slum—how did this happen?”

“I don’t know… I’m sorry, Baby. I wish I could help.”

“Can I come over?”

“It’s… It’s almost eleven thirty,” Kellin said, his eyes going wide. Vic must be feeling awful if he really wanted to leave at this time of night. He’d definitely be in trouble when his father got home.

“I know, but… Mike’s passed out and Mom’s mad at me. I can’t _be_ here. I just want to be with you. I want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Make sure I’m okay?” Kellin repeated. That was the last reason he was expecting to hear for why Vic wanted to be with him, but it made his heart flutter regardless. Even when he was distressed, Vic still thought of him.

“I’m scared I’m going to lose you. I’m messed up, my life is messed up, and I keep letting you get hurt… I just want to see you. I can leave before your mom even knows I’m there.”

“I… I guess. Okay,” Kellin said, biting his lip. He didn’t want to turn Vic away, but he was afraid Vic was going to get himself in trouble again. He knew Vic was going to do whatever he wanted anyway, but he didn’t want to feel guilty or like he was the reason Vic got punished.

“I just need to get out of here. I want to be where you are. I miss holding you.”

“If… If you want to, come over,” Kellin said, trying to put more energy into his voice. 

“Are you sure you won’t mind? I… I know I’m acting crazy. I just…”

“You need someone,” Kellin said softly. “I understand.”

“So… So you won’t mind?”

“No. Come over. I’ll wait by the door downstairs to let you in. Just text me when you’re outside.”

“Okay. I love you so much. I’ll see you soon.”

“Love you too,” Kellin said before hanging up. The sounds of Vic crying to him through the phone really got underneath his skin. He hated to hear him hurting and couldn’t deny him anything that he asked, even if he was afraid. 

Kellin snuck downstairs and waited by the door like he promised, his heart pounding in his chest as he heard a car pull up outside. He peeked out the front curtain and watched as Vic climbed out of his white car. The lights flashed as he locked it and he started typing on his phone as he walked up the sidewalk towards the door.

The moment his phone pinged with a text message, Kellin unlocked the door—as if the text was really the only proof that it was Vic he was seeing and not someone else. 

Even after the door was open, Vic remained standing on the porch. His face was so full of pain and Kellin could still tell that he’d been crying despite the shadows cast over him.

“Come on,” Kellin said softly, gesturing for Vic to enter the house. As soon as he was inside, Kellin closed and locked the door, then opened his arms to give Vic a hug. His boyfriend nuzzled into his neck and let out a soft noise like a sob as Kellin squeezed him as tightly as he could. “Let’s go upstairs and lay down, okay? Do you need water or anything?”

“No. No… Let’s go upstairs. I-I really want to lay down.” 

Kellin nodded his head and broke off their embrace in order to lead Vic upstairs into his room. He turned off the overhead light, leaving only his dim desk lamp on to light the room. He sat down on his bed and watched as Vic pulled off his sneakers, then laid back as Vic crawled onto the bed next to him. 

Vic let out a soft whimper as they snuggled up, his head on Kellin’s chest.

“What happened with Mike?” Kellin asked. Vic sighed heavily and tightened the hold he had around Kellin’s torso.

“He needs a tutor because he’s failing his science class. He didn’t have it at LHS so he’s behind and can’t catch up… So Dad thinks the best way to motivate him is to beat him and it’s—it’s so _fucked up._ It was _never_ like this before. Never. Dad was always strict, but not like he is now. He wouldn’t have hit Mike for needing a tutor if we were back at LHS. I… I don’t know why it got this bad.”

“I…I don’t know,” Kellin whispered, feeling that he was partially to blame. Vic didn’t start getting in trouble until Todd started causing him trouble, because he got involved with Kellin. 

“He told me he wasn’t going to hit him. That’s what got me… He said he wouldn’t hit him, then the next thing I know, Mike’s getting hit _really_ fuckin’ hard. I can’t _stand_ that. I _promised_ Mike that I wouldn’t let Dad hit him. I told him it would be okay.”

“It’s not your fault,” Kellin said gently. He kissed the top of Vic’s head and nuzzled him, trying to do all the little things Vic did for him to make him feel better when they were close. 

“I know but it’s just so _wrong._ Dad didn’t even listen to me… I told him the things Mike had been saying. I told him he was depressed and that he felt _bad_ about his test scores. There was no reason to beat him. Mike wasn’t _trying_ to do anything wrong. He’s just struggling in one class.”

Kellin held Vic close and let him vent, let him describe what had happened in Mike’s bedroom. He’d run upstairs as soon as he’d heard his father start hitting Mike, then put himself between his father and brother to make the beating stop. When his dad just kept getting angrier, Vic said he just “snapped.” He grabbed the belt out of his father’s hand and had to fight to keep a hold on it when his father tried to pull it from him. Somehow he’d managed to win the tug-of-war and as soon as he had the entire strap in his hand, he started hitting his father. 

“I-I don’t know why… I just lost it, Kellin. I’m not like that. You know I’m not ever like that…”

“He pushed you too far. I get it,” Kellin said. Vic was afraid Kellin wouldn’t trust him now that he’d done something violent, but nothing could be further from the truth. Somehow, hearing how desperate Vic was to protect Mike just made Kellin love him even more. He felt safer somehow… Maybe because he knew that if it ever came down to it, Vic would do anything to keep him safe too. His favorite fantasy, after all, was Vic coming to save him from Todd…

“I feel like I’m losing everything… Like everything’s falling apart around me. I was happy to move out of LHS. I was happy to start over… Why did he have to ruin everything?”

“I don’t know… But you’re not losing me,” Kellin said gently. He shifted around until Vic pulled off his chest, then laid beside him. He offered Vic a smile and was surprised that Vic could give him one in return considering how sad his eyes were. “I mean it. I love you. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Even if I’m never around?”

“You’re always around,” Kellin said, squeezing him tighter. He didn’t like hearing Vic talk this way. He wanted Vic to be happy—he wanted them to be happy together. “No one’s ever cared about me like you do. I’m not taking that for granted. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me…”

“Do you really mean that?” Vic asked.

“Yes! You mean the world to me, Vic. I’m not going to let your dad or Todd or _anyone_ keep us apart. I love you too much,” Kellin said, kissing Vic’s cheek until he finally earned a kiss on mouth. It was so soft at first, but Vic’s neediness and heartache drove him to make it deeper. Kellin tried to give all that affection and more back in return, wanting to prove his dedication and show that Todd hadn’t damaged him despite his latest attack.

Before he knew it, Vic’s hand was on his cheek, then the back of his neck and he pulled Kellin up into a sitting position. They shifted around on the bed, still pressing their lips together, until Kellin was sitting on Vic’s thighs, his knees on either side of his hips. 

It always felt so different when Vic touched him as opposed to Todd. Vic made him feel so desirable when he’d start moaning from their kisses. Vic made him feel attractive and sexy and wanted. Todd had always made him feel cheap and used and worthless, but with every kiss on his mouth and his cheek and neck, Vic made up for all of that. 

Kellin sighed as Vic bean nibbling his neck, letting his eyes slipped closed. He knew his mother was in the next room, but…maybe if he was quiet. Maybe if they were both really, really quiet…

Knowing Vic would never ask it himself, especially not after what Kellin had gone through so recently with Todd, Kellin slid his hand down between them and pressed it between Vic’s legs. He earned a sharp gasp from his boyfriend, then a hazy smile before getting a deep kiss on the mouth. Kellin smiled into the kiss as he felt Vic thrust up against his palm. The angle strained his wrist a little, but he tried not to think about it. 

Vic was probably going to get grounded again and this was a rare opportunity to be alone together. Kellin didn’t want to waste it. 

“Do you want to do more?” Kellin asked. He knew the question was vague, but he hoped Vic would understand. 

“L-Like when we were in the car?” Vic asked, he sounded so startled and yet so hopeful that Kellin couldn’t help but smile at him in return.

“Yeah. Or… Or more.”

“Or more? B-But you… But Todd just—”

“I don’t want to talk about him,” Kellin said quickly. “I really love you and I never get to see you like this—”

“I know we can’t be alone a lot, but I don’t want to rush anything. I-I’m happy just to cuddle if that’s what you’re worried about. I’m happy just to spend time with you. I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel like I’m pushing for more—”

“You haven’t. I just…like having you here like this,” Kellin said, rubbing his hand a little more between Vic’s legs as if it’d prove his point. “I want to make the most of it.”

“O-Okay,” Vic said, sighing softly with pleasure. Kellin kissed him on the mouth, sucking Vic’s bottom lip a moment before tracing it with his tongue. He liked that he could be this way with Vic. He liked that he could take the lead for once and set his own boundaries without having them tested with every touch.

Before long, Kellin was laying back on the mattress with Vic overtop him, rolling their hips together slowly. It wasn’t enough to give anything more than a few small jolts of pleasure and Kellin was quick to shift out of his jeans and yank down Vic’s already baggy shorts. Once they were out of the way, Kellin wrapped his hand around Vic’s length, smiling at the shocked gasp his boyfriend let out—like he really didn’t expect Kellin to want to touch him. 

It was so warm and heavy in Kellin’s hand, and it twitched a little when Kellin pumped his hand up and down. Even the slightest touch earned him pleasured sighs from Vic who started kissing Kellin’s neck and throat. Everything about him was so unlike Todd. He wasn’t pushy, he was needy. Instead of feeling fear when Vic would press more firmly into his hand, Kellin just smiled because he knew all Vic wanted was to be closer to him. Vic would never hurt him on purpose. 

Vic loved him—and he said it over and over in between the kisses he pressed onto Kellin’s neck. 

Kellin moaned softly and let his hips rut against Vic’s thigh. He wanted more than this. He definitely wanted more than his.

“I-I have lotion on my dresser,” Kellin panted rolling his hips as he made the suggestion, hoping Vic could put it all together.

“Lotion? Your hand feels fine—I like it this way.”

“No… Vic, for…for me.”

“Oh!” Vic whined as he pulled away, Kellin letting go of his length so he could move to get the lotion. “I guess my hands are kind of rough from the guitar strings, huh?” 

He still didn’t get it and Kellin sighed as Vic got up from the bed to grab the bottle. When he came back, he was already squeezing some into his palm, and before Kellin could correct him, Vic had his hand wrapped around Kellin’s cock and started stroking it. 

“That feels good, right?” Vic asked, smiling almost nervously as Kellin stared up at him. 

“Y-Yes,” Kellin said.

“You look uncomfortable. Is this okay?” Vic asked, stilling his hand and causing Kellin’s hips to jerk—seeking that friction.

“Yeah—Yeah, it’s fine. I-I just thought maybe we’d do more.”

“But… But I…I-I don’t even know what to say.” Vic was staring at him now, his eyes wide as he looked at Kellin, then the bottle of lotion he’d laid down on the bed beside them like he was finally making the connection.

“Do you want to?” Kellin asked. “I think I’m ready. I trust you not to hurt me.”

“But your mom could wake up and come in here,” Vic said.

“She could come in here right now. What’s the difference?” Kellin asked. He was being rejected and that sent a shock of pain through his stomach. He’d thought Vic would jump at the chance to go all the way. 

“Well…I-I don’t have a condom or anything,” Vic said, chuckling nervously.

“I’m clean. I told you that when I got the results back. And you’ve never been with anybody—”

“But—But I… I don’t want to hurt you or anything.”

Maybe it wasn’t rejection. Maybe Vic was just scared. He had a right to be nervous, but Kellin had never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable when he asked. He thought Vic would be excited like he was, not daunted by the idea if he wasn’t ready for that step. Maybe they should’ve talked about it first…

“You won’t hurt me,” Kellin said, suddenly feeling very exposed without his pants on. He grabbed the covers and pulled them over himself, starting to feel like he’d ruined this time together rather than enhancing it with his offer. “We don’t have to. It’s okay if you don’t want me—want to!” He corrected quickly, grimacing that he’d let the words out of his head.

“Kell… I _want_ you, believe me! Don’t feel like I don’t. I’m just… I-I’ve never done that before, you know? I-I don’t want to do something wrong and hurt you.”

“You _won’t_ though. You’re not like Todd. If it hurt and I told you, you’d stop. Right?”

“Of course! I’d never hurt you on purpose.”

“Then I’ll be fine,” Kellin said, smiling nervously. “I want to.”

“Okay,” Vic said, smiling and looking—suddenly—very pleased with himself before nervously reaching between his own legs and starting to stroke himself, getting back to full hardness. “Just don’t hate me if I suck at it, alright?”

“Kiss me and I won’t notice,” Kellin said, trying to be flirty but cringing a little at how dumb he had to sound.

Vic just smiled at him and leaned down, kissing him gently as he moved himself back into position over Kellin’s body. Kellin wrapped his arms around Vic’s shoulders, pulling him down against his chest as he let himself slip back into the mood. There was no rejection, no dismissal. Vic wanted him—Someone as perfect and handsome as Vic wanted _him_ and that was all Kellin wanted to let himself think about.

After a little while, Vic pulled back and grabbed for the bottle of lotion, causing Kellin’s heart to start pounding as hard as it possibly could. He was excited—he was _beyond_ excited—but now the nerves were setting in too, because this was happening. This was actually about to be happening.

He watched as Vic poured a little bit of the lotion onto his fingers, biting his lip until Vic turned and saw him. He smiled then, hoping his nerves weren’t so obvious to his boyfriend, but Vic’s smile in return seemed sympathetic.

“If it hurts, promise you’ll tell me. Okay?”

“Okay,” Kellin whispered, spreading his legs a little as Vic moved to get between them. His breaths were coming sharper and sharper as Vic set the bottle aside and lowered his hand. He placed his left hand on Kellin’s thigh, caressing it gently before pushing it further aside. Kellin’s breath hitched in his throat as he moved his leg, opening himself up further. For a moment, he was ashamed that Vic was seeing so much of him—feeling too vulnerable for his own good—but then Vic’s other hand moved forward and the pads of Vic’s fingers started rubbing against his hole. 

“Does that feel okay?” Vic asked. 

Kellin nodded, trying to get himself to start breathing again. Yes, it felt good. Cold, at first, but the lotion started to warm up as Vic circled his rim a few more times. When he finally pushed one finger inside, Kellin gasped—unable to stop his entire body from going tense. 

He thought about Todd. He thought about his first time with Todd in the back of Todd’s car and how it had all felt good until Todd had gotten rough. He remembered it in bright flashes, then let it pass.

It was over now. He was with Vic and Vic didn’t hurt him. He kept asking if Kellin was okay and if it was alright to press his finger inside a little deeper. Kellin nodded and spread his legs a little more. Vic moved until his finger was completely inside, then started working it in and out. His movements were slow and gentle, even as he started twisting his finger a little, causing his knuckle to stroke Kellin’s inner walls. Once Kellin started to relax, Vic started to press the tip of his second finger against Kellin’s hole as well, pulling the first digit most of the way out before easing them both inside.

This time the stretch was accompanied with a bolt of pain, but Kellin did his best to bite his lip and keep back the whimper that rose in his throat. 

“I know it hurts,” Vic said gently. “It’ll stop, okay? Just breathe through it. Alright?”

Kellin nodded and took a deep breath, trying to concentrate on getting his muscles to relax. He gave himself maybe fifteen seconds before nodding, inviting Vic to continue. He shuddered when both fingers were completely inside of him, closing his eyes as he adjusted to the stretch. He felt his resolve being chipped away and was terrified he’d back out before things went any further. 

Slowly, that fear drained away as Vic began to thrust his fingers in and out. His motions were so gentle and Kellin found himself relaxing into the touches far more quickly than he ever thought possible. Before long, he even let out a moan as Vic curled his fingers against his prostate.

Maybe he could do this. Maybe it wasn’t so awful. Especially with Vic.

Kellin stared up at him, panting until Vic leaned down and kissed him. He moaned into the kiss, rocking his hips back as Vic speared him with his fingers. Everything was different with Vic. _Everything._

They were still kissing deeply when Vic added the third finger. Kellin cried out in pain, but held onto Vic tightly so he couldn’t pull back or stop. He knew it would get better—he knew the sharp sting would ease away just as it did before. It took a little longer, but when Vic rubbed the rough pads of his fingers over Kellin’s prostate a few times, the pain was the furthest thing from his mind. He started moaning and within a few minutes, Vic was asking if it was okay to move forward.

Kellin nodded his head quickly, spreading his legs wide as Vic pulled his fingers out completely and started to slick himself up with the lotion. He tried not to let himself go tense when Vic started lining up and asked him again if this was alright. He just nodded again and took a deep breath, choking on it a little when he felt the pressure at his rim. 

He thought about Todd and how much it hurt the three times Todd had done this to him. He remembered fear and pain and filth. His heart pounded in is chest and his legs started shaking as Vic pressed inside of him. Everything about Vic was different—but this hurt just as much it had his first time with Todd. He tried to make his muscles relax, but he felt himself tensing as his body tried to resist the intrusion. 

Instead of pushing forward like Todd had every time, Vic paused and leaned down to kiss him—pressing his lips to Kellin’s forehead and cheeks before stealing a kiss on the lips. Kellin kissed him back eagerly, desperate to do anything that might take his mind off the searing pain. 

“Do you need me to stop? You look like you’re in a lot of pain. I-I don’t want to hurt you,” Vic said, his voice strained. The hand he had on Kellin’s hip was shaking and Kellin felt guilty for making him stay so still when he _knew_ all Vic wanted was to move and get friction. 

“I-I’ll be fine. Just give a second. I-It always hurts like this.”

“I don’t want to do it if it hurts you,” Vic said, sounding so wounded just by the idea but he didn’t move to pull out. 

“I’ll be fine. Um… Maybe more lotion?” Kellin suggested, immediately regretting it when Vic pulled out. That almost hurt more than when it went in. Kellin shivered and held his breath as Vic started rubbing more lotion over his hole and down his own length before lining up again. 

“If you need to stop, just tell me. Promise?”

“Yeah,” Kellin whispered. Vic pressed inside again, but this time the pain was a lot less and Kellin was able to let out the breath he was holding. The lotion didn’t help with the burning of being stretched, but it made the sharp, tearing feeling stop and that was all Kellin really needed. 

Slowly, Vic pushed an inch or two deeper, watching Kellin’s face the whole time with a worried, guilty expression. Kellin felt rather bad that Vic’s first time had to be so nerve-wracking for him, but he was doing everything he could to keep himself calm so it wasn’t a total failure.

He did his best to keep his breathing even, even when Vic would lean down and kiss him, and before long Vic was all the way inside of him. Vic kissed him even deeper then, moaning into Kellin’s mouth while his hand slid from Kellin’s hip to his cock between their bodies. Kellin moaned as soon as Vic’s warm hand wrapped around him. He hadn’t been expecting it and the touch sent shivers down his spine. He felt himself clench up, tightening around Vic’s length, but as soon as Vic started moving his fist up and down, Kellin’s whole body became lax and his eyes rolled back from the pleasure of all the mixed sensations. He hadn’t expected it all to feel so good—at least not on his end. All Todd ever showed him of sex was pain and fear and anguish. He thought it would always be painful for him—just painful—but good for his partner.

He’d thought wrong. So, so wrong.

“Do you like that?” Vic asked, as if he couldn’t already tell.

Kellin nodded his head rapidly and breathed out a soft yes. Vic smiled down at him, then leaned in for a kiss which Kellin returned with passion. He darted his tongue into Vic’s mouth and lapped at Vic’s, their teeth clicking together uncomfortably, but it didn’t slow Kellin down. He felt Vic start moving inside of him, slowly thrusting a fraction of an inch deeper before pulling back the slightest bit. 

This wasn’t bad. It wasn’t bad at all. 

Kellin gripped onto Vic’s shoulders and held him close, burying his face in his boyfriend’s neck as he panted for air. It felt better and better the more Vic would move, especially when the motions of his hand matched those of his hips. He loved the feeling of having Vic deep inside him, being so full he could hardly stand it but wanting more nonetheless. It became all he could think about, making him roll his hips against Vic’s in hopes of getting him further inside. 

He needed Vic. He needed to have Vic holding him and touching him and _fucking_ him. His whole body started shaking the moment Vic’s angle shifted and he thrust against Kellin’s sweet spot. His eyes rolled back and he let out a moan he just _knew_ his mother had heard, but he couldn’t help himself. Nothing on Earth had made him feel like _that_ before, and when it kept happening over and over Kellin could barely remember to breathe through all the pleasure.

He wanted to tell Vic he loved him. He wanted to say that it felt good and beg for Vic to keep doing exactly what he was doing now and never stop, but all he could get out were soft moans that morphed into little whimpers as he got closer to the edge. His muscles started to quiver, making him tighten around Vic who continued to thrust forward. It started getting rougher, but Kellin didn’t care—just so long as Vic kept putting pressure on that one, small _spot._

His orgasm came crashing down on him out of nowhere, surprising him so much he had to bite his lip against the shrill cry he let out. Vic kept moving his hand up and down, slicking Kellin’s length with his own come until the oversensitivity made him start to squirm. The feeling of being full became that much more prominent and Kellin spread his legs further apart, rocking back on his hips as Vic pressed in harder and harder.

It was all too much—way too much—but Kellin just held onto Vic’s shoulders and kissed him until Vic turned his face away as his whole body went rigid. The next thing Kellin felt was the searing heat filling his insides. It almost hurt, but he was still so high he didn’t pay it any mind. He was watching Vic’s lips, shiny with spit, and waiting for his next kiss because he’d sure as hell earned one after this.

Vic stayed inside of him a moment longer before pulling back, sighing as he did before dropping down on Kellin’s chest. He nuzzled into his collar bone, then his neck, and finally kissed the underside of Kellin’s chin before he moved himself to lay at Kellin’s side.

“I love you—that was so good,” Vic said, his voice even shaking a little.

Kellin smiled and rolled over to face him, pressing himself up against Vic’s chest in order to be as close as possible. 

“Like… I don’t even think you understand. That was… That was a million times better than in the car,” Vic said, putting his arm around Kellin and squeezing him tight.

“Yeah, and this time I get to keep you here,” Kellin said.

“And we won’t end up in the hospital.”

Kellin laughed softly and tilted his head up to get a kiss. Even after everything they’d done together, kissing those big lips had to be his favorite. He always remembered that day at the skate park when Vic had been too nervous to work up the courage to kiss him, like he thought Kellin would push him away.

“We’d better not end up in the hospital again. I want to keep you here as long as I can,” Vic said, holding Kellin as tight as he could and nuzzling the top of his head.

“Stay until morning. We’ll go to school together.”

“Yeah… I’m pretty sure my mom heard me leaving. I don’t want to go home to that. If I left, I was probably going to stay in the school parking lot until it was time to go to class. I don’t think Mike will be at school tomorrow.”

Kellin wanted to ask about it, but felt that now wasn’t the time. He didn’t want things to get heavy, he just wanted to enjoy Vic’s company.

“I’m almost positive my mom knows you’re here right now. I can feel it,” Kellin said, giggling.

“With the amount of noise you make, I’d be surprised if she didn’t. I thought she was going to barge in here a couple of times. I didn’t want to say anything though. You looked like you were enjoying yourself.”

“Shut up,” Kellin said, laughing as he snuggled in to Vic’s chest.

“Is it okay if I go clean up? My hands are kind of…and my… I need to wash up.”

“Okay,” Kellin said, pretending to pout as he rolled away. He shuddered as he felt Vic’s seed start to dribble down his leg. Maybe washing up wasn’t such a bad idea… “Hey, Vic?” Kellin asked, rolling back over to face his boyfriend.

“Hm?”

“If Mom already knows you’re here…do you want to take a shower with me?”

“Wh-what?” Vic asked, smiling nervously. He looked like he liked the idea. “I-Is that safe?”

“It’s not like she’d come in and stop us.”

“O-Okay.” Vic kept smiling at him, an affectionate gleam in his eyes that Kellin had only seen once before—the night of the car accident. Kellin hated how that perfect night had ended, and now he didn’t feel safe to let Vic out of his sight for a second. 

He never wanted Vic away from his side again.


	22. Chapter 22

He didn’t have nightmares. He didn’t dream about Todd. When he woke up, Kellin thought first about the arm wrapped snuggly around his waist, then thought of Vic and smiled. He pushed back against his boyfriend’s chest, wanting to cuddle more and also—secretly—wanting to wake Vic up in order to get more attention. He felt he deserved it after last night, after how far they’d gone. 

“Mm… Good morning,” Vic mumbled, nuzzling the back of Kellin’s neck before squeezing him tighter around the waist. 

“Morning.”

“Are you feeling okay?” Vic asked.

“Yeah. Why?”

“Just wondered. I didn’t know if you were…if you’re okay with last night,” Vic said, chuckling nervously. It was so cute when he was nervous.

“I’m fine,” Kellin said, pressing back against Vic a little harder to prove just how comfortable he was with everything that happened. “I’m happy.”

“Yeah?” Vic asked. He sounded so surprised and so proud of himself, Kellin couldn’t help but giggle at him. 

“Yes,” Kellin said, rolling over so he could cuddle into Vic’s chest. “Are you okay?” Kellin asked, kissing Vic’s chin but dodging it when Vic tried to kiss him on the mouth.

“Of course! Why wouldn’t _I_ be okay? I got to sleep with, like, the hottest guy in school.”

Kellin felt his cheeks heating up and he shook his head against the compliment.

“It’s true and you know it.” Vic said, settling for kissing Kellin’s temple when he couldn’t capture his lips. “Should we get up soon?”

“Maybe… If you snuck out now, I could pretend you weren’t here and make Mom thinks she’s crazy.”

“Aw… But then I have to leave and I won’t get to be with you,” Vic whined.

“True.” Kellin finally gave him a kiss on the mouth and pulled himself up onto Vic’s chest, making Vic lay on his back. “Guess I get to keep you.”

As great as it sounded, they both knew Vic had to leave—not just to avoid a confrontation with Kellin’s mother but also so Vic could check on Mike. Now that morning had come and he’d calmed down, Vic seemed to feel terrible for leaving in the middle of the night. He’d left Mike unprotected and even if their father stormed out, he could’ve come back at any time to get revenge. 

So they cuddled a few minutes longer before they both got up and got dressed. They kissed a few more times before they went downstairs, and then stood on the front porch together talking like they wouldn’t be seeing each other at school in a little over an hour.

Kellin felt a little bit emptier as he watched Vic walk away and get into his car. He was frightened and nervous, and even though he knew it was irrational, he didn’t want Vic out of his sight. He also didn’t want to be alone when he faced his mother…

Unfortunately, no sooner had he closed the door than his mother started down the steps.

“You and your boyfriend have a good time last night?” She asked, not holding any humor in her voice at all. 

“He was hiding from his dad…” Kellin said, as if that were a valid excuse. He walked into the kitchen and slowly started preparing himself breakfast.

“You ought to be hiding from me. Do you know how much willpower it took not to go into your room last night and tell you two to knock it off? A _lot.”_

“Sorry,” Kellin mumbled, his cheeks turning bright red. 

“I let you get away with a lot. I hope you know that.”

“I know,” Kellin said, trying not to let the scolding take away from his good mood. In a little while longer, he’d be with Vic and this would all be behind him.

“You’re lucky I don’t ground you for that little stunt.”

“He was upset about his dad. I didn’t want him to be alone—”

“Well I didn’t want to hear you two going at it! I don’t care that he was here, Kellin, but _God._ That was very… _wrong._ I’m your _mother._ Don’t do that when I’m around!”

Knowing he had nothing to say to defend himself, Kellin just apologized again and sat down at the table to eat his cereal—or poke at his cereal and pretend to eat, rather.

“Were you at least safe?”

“Yes,” Kellin said, even though he knew what she was asking about and knew it was a lie to say he had been.

“Good. We don’t need you getting any infections.”

“Vic’s clean.”

“They _all_ say that, dear.”

“He’s never been with anyone else.”

“They say that too.”

“He really hasn’t! Why don’t you believe me?”

“Why do you believe everything every boy tells you? Kellin, why?” This wasn’t like her. This wasn’t like his usual, supportive mother who teased him about Vic and wanted to know every detail—the one who encouraged him and told him she liked Vic and liked them together. “After everything that’s happened, you _can’t_ stay that naïve!”

“Vic wouldn’t lie to me.” He wasn’t going to let her take this from him. Vic would never lie—had never lied. “He loves me. He’s not like Todd.”

“I know that. I’m not saying every boy is going to hurt you like that, but… I don’t want to see you get hurt again _at all._ I’m not going to ground you or try to take him away from you, I just want you to be _careful.”_

“I am… Vic and I have been together a long time. We’ve been through a lot together. He loves me.”

“I know he does. But I love you more. And I worry.” She stepped away from the counter then and approached him where he sat at the table in order to hug him around to shoulders and kiss the side of his head. “Do you hate me for worrying?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?” She asked, trying to force out her usual, happy tone of voice.

“Yeah.”

She kissed him one last time, then pulled away in order to prepare her lunch for the day and her breakfast. Kellin took his phone out of his pocket and checked for a message from Vic. He should’ve gotten home by now…

“Everything OK?” He texted. 

He didn’t expect a reply as fast as he did.

_Dad never came home. My mom hates me )’:_

“I’ll love you enough for both of us then,” Kellin replied, his chest hurting a little bit for his boyfriend. He didn’t deserve to get blamed for anything. 

_Can I come live in your closet??? I’ll fold your laundry for you and everything. I’ll be quiet so your mom won’t know._

“I wish! I’m sorry Baby. I’ll make up for it at school K?” He added as many heart emojis as he could. Vic replied with a kissing emoji and a broken heart, then stayed quiet no matter what Kellin sent. 

He couldn’t wait to get to school and be with Vic again, be close enough to actually offer him some comfort instead of useless words. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic felt so much better the minute he saw Kellin walking up the street. He was waiting outside the school for him to arrive, Mike already inside with Jaime and Tony, and hurried to meet him on the steps.

“Hey—are you okay?” Kellin asked, quick to open his arms so Vic could hug him. 

“Yeah… Better now. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Tell me what happened. What did your mom say?” Kellin asked, keeping his arm around Vic as they walked into the building together.

Vic told him the story of how he’d come home and his mother’s first words to him were to express her disappointment—a long, drawn out lecture about how much his parents had struggled to support him, just for him to run off and act shamefully with his boyfriend. Vic argued with her, then his mother repeated that his father was gone and it was all his fault if he didn’t come home. Maybe he didn’t have the right to hit Mike like he did, but it was a far greater disrespect for Vic to strike his father in revenge. 

Then she said what hurt him the most.

“If it comes down to it, I need your father here more than I need you. If he wants you out of the house, you’re gone. We’ll find somewhere else for you to stay.”

It hurt him more than he thought it would. It took all the air out of his lungs and left him speechless there in the kitchen. He stood by the door, unspeaking, waiting the half hour it took for Mike to finish breakfast and finish getting ready, then he left without a word. 

Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so much if his birthday weren’t in three days. 

“She really said that you?” Kellin asked, looking just as hurt as Vic.

“Yeah… I-I don’t really want to believe she _meant_ it, but… I’ve never felt that…that _hated_ before.”

“Do… Do you want to come over after school today? You can come to practice with me. Maybe Mom will let you stay the night. I don’t want you to go home to that,” Kellin said, trying to look at Vic and focus on him while also trying to do the combination on his locker.

“I want to, but I don’t know if I should… I’m supposed to work a shift at the restaurant after school. I guess if I get there and he fires me, then I can come over.”

“Live in my closet and fold my laundry for me?” Kellin asked, smiling sadly.

“I’d live under your bed if I had to. I… I don’t really want to go home today. I wish it was that easy.”

“If your mom tries to send you away, just come live with me.”

“Guess I could do that… Couch surf from your place to Jaime’s to Tony’s and back… Just be a burden to everybody instead of my mom and dad.”

“You’re not a burden,” Kellin said, his voice sharp. “You had every right to stand up to him. He shouldn’t be hitting Mike or you. Hopefully wherever he is, he’s figuring that out.”

“I guess,” Vic said, not willing to get his hopes up. He wanted to believe that his dad was just at the restaurant, but surely his mother had tried calling there to find him.

“If anything happens, just promise you’ll come to me first, okay? You’re not a burden to me. I love you and I want you with me.”

“Okay,” Vic said, knowing Kellin was probably going to be his only option for shelter when this whole thing was over.

“I don’t like this,” Kellin said, suddenly hugging Vic again and pressing his face into Vic’s neck. “I don’t want you to be upset…”

“I’ll be okay,” Vic mumbled, hugging Kellin back and closing his eyes—letting the warmth soak in. 

“You’d better. I love you,” Kellin said, kissing Vic’s neck.

Chills rushed down Vic’s spine and he pulled Kellin closer, snuggling into him and smiling a little as the thought of the night before. How had he gotten so lucky?

“Fags.” 

Vic heard the jeer and turned to look down the hall, glaring at one of Todd’s friends as he walked away. 

“Love you,” Kellin repeated.

“I love you too… We should go to class,” Vic said, kissing Kellin on the lips one last time before pulling away from him.

“Okay… See you at lunch,” Kellin said, frowning a little. God, he made it so hard to walk away.

“Love you, Baby,” Vic said before collecting his things and hurrying to first period. He wished he could’ve just skipped school. He wished he could’ve convinced Kellin to skip so they could spend the whole day together… He’d rather be anywhere but here. He’d rather be with his boyfriend, holding on to the last bits of the good feelings he’d had the night before.

He didn’t want to deal with reality. He didn’t want to deal with anything anymore…

( ) ( ) ( )

Mike held onto the strap of his backpack self-consciously as he made his way into the library after classes had ended. Vic was off with Kellin somewhere enjoying being in love while Mike had to go to his first tutoring session alone…

He guessed it was a lot less embarrassing than having his older brother walk him there, but he was nervous nonetheless.

“Are you here for the study tables?” Asked the librarian, coming up to Mike who immediately ducked his head as he answered. He wasn’t exactly embarrassed to be here—he knew he was stupid and was well aware that everybody else knew it too by this point—but he was nervous. “They’re right this way. What subject?”

“Um… Physical Science,” Mike said as he followed the shorter woman around the corner of bookshelves.

“Alright. Our science tutor hasn’t made it over from the college just yet, but she’ll be here soon. Why don’t you take a seat at this table here?” The librarian gestured to an empty table where Mike reluctantly sat, glancing over at the other tables that each had four or five students all talking over their notes. “Usually Thomas is here for science, but I haven’t seen him today. I guess it’s a good thing to have your first session be one-on-one. Have you met Tracey before?”

“No,” Mike said, swallowing hard and staring down at the table. He knew it was stupid to be so scared, but he couldn’t help it. He was excited to get help and improve his grade, but what if he couldn’t be helped? What if he was really too stupid to get better at this?

“You’ll like her. I’m sure. She’s very, very smart. She’s on a full-ride scholarship to the University of San Diego.”

If she was that smart, maybe she would be able to help him. 

The librarian chatted with Mike a little longer, never seeming to pick up on his self-consciousness—or, if she did, she never commented on it. Then the tutor arrived and Mike kept his head down as she spoke with the librarian and then took her seat.

“Hi, you must be my new student! I’m Tracey.” She was holding out her hand for him to shake and Mike finally had to look up from the table and face her. Once he did though, once his hand was in hers and he was shaking it, his eyes were fixed on her and he felt he couldn’t ever look away.

She didn’t look like any science whiz he’d ever seen before. No frizzy hair, no thick glasses. Just long brown hair framing her tan face and smoldering eyes. She smiled with pearly white teeth, a small gap between the two in the front which Mike immediately became fond of. 

Her shirt was less than flattering, but it was unbuttoned enough that Mike could see the swell of her breasts—and that was enough to forgive the oversized Hawaiian print.

Oh, God. How was he going to learn anything with her chest hanging out like that?

Oh, _God,_ he was still shaking her hand.

“Sorry. I’m sorry,” he said, quickly pulling his hand back and placing it in his lap under the desk. He expected her to look at him with revulsion—a pretty girl like her was probably used to being gawked at by much more appealing men than Mike—but she just chuckled and set down the folders that were in her other hand.

“So you’re…Mike, right?” She asked.

“Yeah.”

“Awesome. Your paper said you were struggling with you Physical Sciences class. What unit are you in right now? I know I’m helping Thomas with Chemistry and he’s still on balancing equations…” She was looking over one of the pages she’d set down, pursing her glossy lips.

He stared so long he almost forgot she’d asked him a question.

“Oh! Uh, I’m doing Introduction to Physics right now.”

“Physics? Really?”

“Yeah…” 

She looked confused, pursing her lips even more and tilting her head as she turned over her page.

“I thought you were a sophomore.”

“I am.”

“Then why are you in Intro to Physics? That’s a junior level elective, isn’t it?” She shuffled the papers in front of her, then shook her head. “I don’t have that form with me today… I have one that lists the classes offered—I wonder if she has it,” Tracey added, looking up at the librarian as she walked by. “I guess it doesn’t matter now, though. How did you get into Physics? Freshman and sophomores are supposed to take Earth Science or Intro to Biology…”

“I-I don’t know. I transferred. They…They looked at the unit I was in at LH—at my last school and decided on physics, I guess.”

“Your last school… Did you come from LHS?” She looked at him, then down at her papers again.

There it was, the disgusted gleam everyone got in their eyes when they learned where he was from.

“Yeah,” Mike whispered, feeling a coldness sink into the pit of his stomach.

“I graduated from that dump. Good thing you’re out of there. You look a little too clean-cut to be at LHS.” She smiled at him genuinely, and though Mike didn’t know what part of ripped jeans and a beanie made him look clean-cut but he was going to go with it. “So did you bring your homework and your last test?”

“Um…yeah.” Mike felt the shame creep up on him again as he brought the pages out of his bag. 

“Oh, Honey. You _are_ having problems,” she said as soon as she laid eyes on red 22%. “What did you _do?”_ She picked up the test and started examining it, turning the pages over and over in her hands.

“I was stupid and I tried to take it,” Mike said, not expecting it at all when Tracey smacked the back of his head hard enough for his beanie to slip. 

“Tracey! We’ve talked about this…” The librarian immediately chimed in. 

“What? He said the ‘S’ word,” Tracey said, putting on an innocent expression.

“Whoa. Dude. You called her a slut?” One of the boys at the table behind Mike’s said.

“What?—No!” Mike called, horrified that someone would even suggest that.

“You called me a slut?” Tracey asked, her tone even sounding genuine as she played along with the dickhead at the other table.

“Tracey, Robert, that is enough,” the librarian said, her eyes looking stern. “Language! This is a high school, not a frat party.”

“Sorry,” Tracey said, smiling and patting Mike’s shoulder. “He knows I’m just playing. I don’t like to use the word stupid,” she added, turning to look at Mike and then dropping her hand from his shoulder to his thigh. 

His thigh. 

Her hand was on his thigh. 

Her tan, small hand with its glossy, pink nails was on his thigh. 

“You’re not stupid. They just put you in a class you’re not prepared for. I don’t know what part of seeing your LHS transcript told them you could handle Physics, but they’re insane. Maybe they were smoking crack; I don’t know. But you’re in it now, so let’s just work on getting you…up to speed.” She looked at the papers and clicked her tongue again. “This might take a while… When is your next test?”

“Next Friday,” Mike said, his tone just as doubtful as hers.

“Well…crap. Do you think there are other times you might be able to meet to review? We need to go back to square one and work our way up to this unit and I don’t think three hours a week is going to do it.”

“Um… Yeah.”

Her hand was still on his thigh.

“They close up the library here at four, but we could meet at the public library to study.”

Why was her hand on his thigh? Did anyone else notice this?

Mike glanced around but everyone else seemed occupied with what they were doing.

“We could always meet at my place or my dad’s restaurant. My parents are kind of weird about where I am most the time. If they see me working they might let us meet more often.” How pathetic did that have to sound?

Very, it seemed, because she finally took her hand off his leg. He wanted to grab it and put it back, but knew that would be creepy—creepier than a tutor who put her hand on a student’s leg to begin with—and knew also that he was dangerously close to having a visible problem below his belt and didn’t need any encouragement.

“Oo! What restaurant?” Tracey asked, her eyes never leaving the pages though she sounded interested.

Mike told her and she said she’d _love_ to go there to study, even though Mike said he couldn’t get her anything to eat without his father freaking out. She said it was fine and winked at him, then directed his attention back to his failed test. 

( ) ( ) ( )

Vic couldn’t understand how Mike seemed so calm as they pulled into the restaurant parking lot. Their mother had let them know the minute they arrived home from school that their father was at the restaurant and he expected them to work their shifts tonight. Vic was terrified to be face-to-face with his father again, but Mike…

He’d been walking around with a strange little grin on his lips since he’d gotten back from tutoring. No matter what was said to him, he couldn’t get that look off his face. In a way, for Vic, it was frightening. As far as he was concerned, Mike had nothing to be smiling about—especially since they were both probably going to get beaten tonight when their father came home.

_If_ he came home.

What if the reason Mike looked so pleased with himself was because he no longer had to worry about what their father had in store for them? What if he was smiling because he’d planned his escape and he was thinking he’d be dead before the night even ended?

“Why are you so happy?” Vic asked, his tone coming out irritable when all he really felt was anxious. He was so scared for what was going to happen the minute they were inside the familiar restaurant.

“Huh?—Oh. Nothing. It’s whatever,” Mike said, that smirk _still_ on his face.

“Can you just tell me what’s going on, please? I don’t feel like playing around right now.”

“Why are you all pissed off? It’s nothing.”

“You’re making me nervous!”

“I’m not doing anything!” Mike yelled, that smile finally gone.

“You’ve been over there smiling like an idiot all day. Don’t tell me you’re not up to something.”

Mike gave an indignant huff and shook his head, then covered his face with one hand and laughed. 

“You don’t get it,” he said. “You’ve got it all wrong.”

“Do I?” Vic asked, staring at Mike—trying to read him but failing to pick up on anything out of the ordinary except his brother’s good humor.

“I’m not _up_ to anything, it’s just…tutoring. It went well.”

“Yeah?” Vic asked, still not seeing that as a reason to be caught smiling. If Vic saw that grin and thought he was up to something, their father definitely would—and he’d assume the worst. That Mike was up to something _bad_ as opposed to dangerous.

“It’s my tutor. She’s got these…” He held his hands out in front of him as if he were trying to emulate something, then laughed and arced his hands over his chest. “Boobies. _Big_ boobies.”

“Are you serious?” Vic snapped, his face turning hot with anger. “What are you, twelve? You’re there to learn, not stare at her tits!”

“But she _wants_ me to,” Mike said, grinning and rubbing his face. 

_“No_ she doesn’t!”

“Oh, she _does._ You don’t get it! The whole time she was with me… Like, she kept putting her hand on my leg and asked if we could meet more often outside of school.”

“She feels _bad_ for you,” Vic said, not liking the idea one bit. Mike was there to get help, not to have some girl flirting with him. Mike didn’t need some tramp to get his hopes up and then dash them. He deserved better than that. “You need a different tutor.”

“No way. She’s _perfect.”_

“You’re supposed to be getting help, not getting distracted by her boobs,” Vic said.

“I _am_ getting help. When I finally worked out one of the problems and got it right… Oh, man. I can’t even tell you.”

“What did she do?” Vic asked, not liking this game one bit.

“No, I can’t. I can’t tell you. You’ll just throw a fit.” 

“Mike…” Vic knew he should be happy that his brother was smiling again, that Mike found something to keep him distracted from their _father,_ but he didn’t like this. This wasn’t the way to go about it. If this girl messed with him and hurt him, who knew what Mike might do to himself.

“If I tell you, you’ll just get pissy.”

“Mike!”

“She kissed my neck. I got the problem right and she leaned over my shoulder like she was checking it and just…kissed me right below my ear. Fuck, I almost blew it right there.”

“Mike, that’s disgusting!” Vic snapped, unfastening his seatbelt. They were almost late inside and though he wanted to stay in the car and smack some sense into his brother, he couldn’t risk them clocking in late. “I’ll be the first to tell you, I don’t like it. She’s supposed to be helping you with the class.”

“She _is_ helping! Haven’t you ever heard of _positive_ reinforcement?”

“Her pretending she’s going to have sex with you and making a _fool_ out of you isn’t positive reinforcement,” Vic grumbled. He climbed out of the car and slammed the door as hard as he could. Any other time he might’ve encouraged it, found it funny or amusing that a tutor was trying to get in bed with his brother, but not now. Not when he feared Mike might hurt himself at the next taste of humiliation. This girl could be the death of him—she could be what finally pushed him over the edge.

Mike was lonely and he’d mentioned before that if he had a girlfriend, someone to distract him the way Kellin distracted Vic, he wouldn’t care if their father hit him. He was _desperate_ for that distraction and he wasn’t thinking clearly. 

This girl, whoever she was, couldn’t possibly be good for him the way Mike seemed to think. She sensed his desperation and she was preying on it. 

Vic couldn’t bear the thought of Mike getting hurt or losing him. It made him sick to his stomach as he walked through the restaurant’s front doors.

“You’re not going to tell Mom, right?” Mike asked, sounding worried when he realized just how opposed to the whole situation Vic was.

“No,” Vic grumbled.

“Please don’t. I know you don’t think so, but she’s really smart and she _likes_ me. She’s from LHS.”

“That’s more of a reason _not_ to like her,” Vic snapped.

Realizing he wasn’t getting anywhere, Mike fell silent as he made his way into the kitchen punched in on the time clock. Their father wasn’t anywhere to be seen, making Vic twice as anxious as he already was, but it didn’t last long.

As soon as he clocked in, the man appeared in the kitchen doorway—his expression unreadable—and he motioned for Vic to follow him as he walked away.

Mike and Vic shared a look before Vic hung his head and went where his father commanded him. He had no choice, really. It was obey or get kicked out; and though he liked the idea of living with Kellin, he knew it wasn’t possible or practical. Most likely, he determined as he walked into his father’s office, he was going to be whipped for his behavior right here in the restaurant—adding humiliation to his pain.

He guessed he deserved it for walking out of the house that night and for hitting his father in the face… He wouldn’t argue just so long as his dad didn’t hit Mike.

“Take a seat,” his father said, almost dismissively as he sat down behind his desk. He wasn’t looking Vic in the eye, but Vic watched his face closely—feeling guilt chipping away at him as he looked at the dark bruise under his father’s eye. 

No matter how many times his father had beaten him or hit Mike, Vic still felt ashamed for returning the violence. 

“Dad, I… I’m sorry for—”

“Don’t. Don’t apologize. You were trying to protect your brother. You’re supposed to protect him. I _raised_ you to look out for him.”

Vic was stunned for a moment, still staring at his father who wouldn’t look at him. Was he apologizing? No… That couldn’t be right. There was more to this speech. He’d say he raised Vic to look out for Mike—to make sure he didn’t fail his classes and get put in the position to be punished. He would find some way to push the blame back onto Vic…

“He’s just struggling in that one class. He didn’t take anything to prepare him for it and he’s got Chemistry to worry about too. They have him in Physics and Chemistry… His schedule is a nightmare, Dad.”

“Yes, I looked at it.”

“Our school’s not like LHS. It’s challenging and it’s breaking him. It’s… He—He’s scared of disappointing you. He’s scared of getting hurt by you and I told you that—”

“I’m not arguing with you. You’re right. It’s harder for him and I know I put a lot of pressure on him. Maybe more than I should.” He was quiet a moment and Vic watched him, shocked but still so nervous about what was going to happen now. It wasn’t like his father to change his mind so quickly. He’d always been strict, never sympathetic or understanding when he believed they could do better. “What did you tell me he said to you? What was he saying after school?”

“He said he was feeling suicidal,” Vic said, biting his lip once the words were out. God, he prayed his father wasn’t about to use that as an excuse to hurt Mike. 

“But what did he _say,_ Victor?”

“I don’t know,” Vic stammered, lowering his eyes as soon as his father locked gazes with him. “He—He said all kinds of things. He was upset.” He couldn’t repeat them. He was too afraid of how his father was going to use the information. He didn’t want to see Mike get hurt again. He didn’t want to lose him.

“Did he say what he was planning to do to himself?”

“No… Nothing specific.”

“He didn’t say what he was planning, but you decided it was serious?”

“It _is_ serious. He was justifying it—he didn’t say how he was going to do it, but he was giving reasons why he should. _That’s_ the scary part, Dad.”

“I know it is.”

“But you don’t understand!” Vic cried, hating how blank his father’s expression remained. He didn’t get it, no matter what he said. 

“You think I don’t understand what he’s saying?” His father snapped, all that familiar anger back in his eyes in a matter of seconds.

“No! You’re just looking for an excuse to punish him when he can’t _handle_ that anymore! You’ve pushed him too far and it’s going to kill him! Maybe he’s just mentioning it now, but he’s felt this way for a _while._ I could see it in his face—he’s hopeless. He doesn’t think it can get any better and you _beating_ him isn’t going to help!”

“I know that!”

“Well obviously you don’t or else you wouldn’t have done it! I told you what he said so you wouldn’t hit him again! I told you so I wouldn’t have to worry about being the one to find him!”

“Dad?”

Vic flinched when he heard Mike’s voice behind him in the doorway. 

“What, Mike?” Their father asked, sighing and looking down at his desk. 

He couldn’t face Mike. He couldn’t even look at him. At least that showed some level of shame in his actions, Vic thought. At least he felt a little bit guilty for what he’d done.

“Um… Th-there’s a guy at table twenty-seven. I-I may have m-mixed up his order. I-I don’t know… Um... He—He wants to talk to a m-manager.” 

Vic felt his stomach turn to ice and closed his eyes against the dread. Please, _please_ don’t let his father take this out on Mike. He wouldn’t hit another employee—he didn’t even raise his voice to the regular staff members—don’t let him hurt Mike again…

“What did he order?” Their father asked, standing up slowly from his desk.

“U-Uh…” Mike, with shaking fingers, took his notepad out of his apron pocket and flipped through the pages. “H-He wanted the st-steak dinner, medium rare over rice.”

“What did you bring him?”

“The steak dinner over rice like he asked—like I thought he asked. I-I don’t know.”

“What did he say he’d wanted?” Their father asked as he took the notepad from Mike’s hand.

“H-he said he asked f-for the chipotle Mahi-Mahi, b-but I-I don’t… I-I can’t see myself mixing that up! N-None of my other tables asked for steak but him. H-Honest!”

“I’ll deal with it,” their father said, flipping through the pages of Mike’s notepad before handing it back. “He probably changed his mind and wants something for free.” With that, he slipped past Mike and left the office—leaving them both standing there staring at each other in silence. Mike looked absolutely terrified, but Vic dared to think it was unnecessary now. Their father had kept his temper in check—he hadn’t said a word in anger or made a threat to talk with Mike later about it.

About fifteen minutes later, their father returned with a sour expression on his face, causing Mike to shrink away from him. 

“He was playing games with you, Mike. I took care of it. I have one of the managers looking after that table so you don’t need to worry about him.”

“D-Did I mess up his order?” Mike asked.

“I told you—he just wanted something for free. I told him we’d get him the Mahi-Mahi if he paid the five dollar difference in price. He stuck with his steak after that.”

“Oh… Th-thank you,” Mike stammered.

“Can’t run a business if you’re giving liars everything for free. Go back to work now. Let me know if anyone else causes trouble.”

“Okay,” Mike said before stuttering out another thank you and leaving the office.

Vic was still stunned at his father for not trying to reprimand Mike in some way, but he guessed it made sense if he were trying to win his sons back over after all the awful things he’d done.

“I talked to your school today. They said the best Mike can do in his physical sciences class is a C, even with the tutoring.”

“It’s not his fault,” Vic mumbled.

“Yes, you’ve told me this. I can’t get them to let him drop the course, but they agreed to remove it from his transcript if he does fail since they shouldn’t have put him in the class to begin with. It’s about time that school did something for us anyway.”

“Okay,” Vic said, shifting a little uncomfortably in his seat.

“Has he said anything about his tutoring?”

“Uh, yeah… He likes it,” Vic said, having to fight the urge to roll his eyes when he recalled exactly _why_ Mike liked it so well. “I hope it’ll help him.”

“Well, it can’t hurt. Just make sure he’s going to his meetings. I don’t even care if you’re spending time after school with that boy while you wait—just make sure Mike goes to his tutoring sessions and stays there.”

“I don’t think Mike will have any problems going to tutoring. He doesn’t want to disappoint you,” Vic said, unable to keep his tone from coming out bitter at his father’s words. He didn’t care if Vic spent his time with “that boy”? It had been months since he learned about Kellin and he still wouldn’t call him by name.

“Just keep your eye on him. We don’t need any more problems.”

_Then keep your hands off him,_ Vic thought, though he didn’t say it out loud.

“You can go back to work now,” his father said.

Vic didn’t respond. He stood up from the chair and left his father’s office, still a little bit dazed by how calmly his father had behaved. It wasn’t like him, and though Vic appreciated his apparent change of heart, he didn’t trust it to last.


End file.
